“Holly, you are welcome here any time for any reason. I don’t see any harm in you starting school now. You know I’m more than happy to watch Sarah for you in exchange for that great cooking of yours.”

  Holly felt relieved. Faith hadn’t rejected her.

  “But I will say one thing, Holly. Make sure this is what God wants for you, not just what you want. Nothing is ever solved by running from His perfect plans.”

  Holly tried to pray about her decision in the coming days, but she didn’t feel like God was answering her one way or the other. One day she would feel at peace about moving back to Portland and going to school, and then the next she would feel like she was running away instead of facing her problems.

  She talked with Dana and Jack about her plans, and they seemed surprised, but not unsupportive. They offered to help her with tuition, but she had been saving most of her money and had enough in the bank for two terms at a community college. Going ahead with the admission and registration process, she only had one thing left to do: Give Deb her two-week notice. She wasn’t looking forward to it. Holly felt like she was letting her down, and leaving the children would be hard.

  “I was thinking that Ashley might like to take my place,” Holly said after she told Deb her plans. “I know she hates her job and would love to be here with Austin all day instead.”

  “That’s a good idea,” Deb said. “I’ll ask her. But if she doesn’t want to I’m sure I’ll find someone else soon. I don’t want you to feel like you’re letting me down, Holly. Going to school is a good move for you. But I have to admit I’m going to miss you very much.”

  “I’ll miss you too, and Madeline.” She knew she would miss Scott also, but she didn’t say so.

  She planned on letting Scott find out about her plans from his mom and hoped he wouldn’t try to contact her and talk her out of it, but the same day she told Deb, she got a text message from him. I miss you. If you feel like it, meet me at our special place tomorrow. Three o’clock.

  Holly decided she needed to say good-bye properly. He deserved that much. On Saturday morning she spent some time reading her Bible and praying. She still didn’t feel like God was giving her any clear direction. She didn’t think she was being disobedient or acting outside of His will, but she didn’t feel certain about her decision either.

  Frustrated that He wasn’t answering, she turned her prayers toward her meeting with Scott that afternoon. She asked God for strength and to give Scott peace and understanding about her plans. God, I asked you to not let me hurt him. I trust you to lift him up and bring someone to fill his heart quickly. I don’t want him lamenting over me for months.

  “Hey, do you want to go shopping with me this afternoon?” Tamara asked while they were eating lunch at the kitchen table. She was home for winter break. “I still need to get something for Brian and my mom. This would be a good time because she has choir practice for the Christmas cantata at three o’clock.”

  Holly pondered her options. If she said yes, she wouldn’t be able to meet Scott like she had planned. But if she said no, she wouldn’t have a car to drive there anyway. Maybe this was God’s way of telling her she shouldn’t see Scott after all.

  “Sure, I’ll go. I need to get something for your mom too. Maybe we can get her something together, like a really nice outfit or that new coffee maker she’s been asking for. Or did your dad already get that?”

  “I don’t know, let’s go ask him.”

  They went to the family room to ask, but he wasn’t there. “Mmm. I wonder where he went. He was here a few minutes ago.”

  They went back to the kitchen. Tamara spotted the light under the door leading to the basement. “Ah-hah! He must be down here,” she said, opening the door and proceeding down the stairs. Holly followed her. She had some laundry she needed to get out of the dryer anyway.

  When Holly reached the bottom stair, Tamara came to a halt in front of her, swinging her hand back to put over Holly’s mouth before she had a chance to make a peep.

  Tamara smiled over her shoulder and pointed to the other side of the room. Holly followed her finger to where the washer and dryer were tucked away in the corner. Standing directly in front of the laundry area, Aunt Dana and Uncle Jack were kissing. Kissing like two young people in love. She had seen them give each other little pecks before, but nothing like this.

  Tamara slowly turned around and motioned for her to do the same. They tiptoed back up the stairs and closed the door softly behind them. “We’ll ask him later,” Tamara said, giggling and touching her red cheeks.

  For the remainder of the afternoon, Holly couldn’t stop thinking about the way her aunt and uncle had been kissing. They had been married for more than twenty years, and they were obviously still very much in love. She’d known by the way they treated each other and from hearing them say the words all the time that they loved each other. But she hadn’t ever thought of them as being in love, like Brian and Tamara were.

  When three o’clock came and went, Holly had a feeling of sadness sweep over her thinking of Scott waiting for her in the park. He would wait more than ten or fifteen minutes, she knew. Even though there was no way for her to get to him without lying or telling Tamara her secret, she still felt bad.

  That night she cried herself to sleep. Images of Scott waiting for her, of Jack and Dana’s kiss, of Tamara and Brian saying good night to each other and kissing in much the same way--they all flashed through her mind like a film loop being played over and over again.

  “I’m sorry, Scott,” she whispered into her wet pillow. “I’m sorry I can never love you like that. I’m sorry I can’t give you my heart. But I can’t. I’m too afraid. I don’t have anything to give.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  The following evening Holly felt excited about something for the first time since Tamara’s return from college for winter break. The children’s Christmas program at church was set to begin at six o’clock. Although Sarah was too young to be a participant, several of the children from day care were going to be performing, and she had promised them she would be there, sitting in the front row, or as close as possible considering all the parents who would have the same idea.

  The rest of the family planned to attend also, except Ty who had a date, the third one in the last week with the same girl. Tamara said she thought her little brother sounded pretty serious about this one.

  They arrived twenty minutes early. After taking Sarah upstairs, she returned and joined her aunt and uncle and Tamara. Holly had brought her camera but didn’t think they were close enough for her to get any good pictures.

  “You should go up to the front and see if you could squeeze in someplace,” Tamara said. “Some of those rows don’t look completely filled.”

  “You think so? I’d really like to get a good shot of Madeline singing her solo.”

  “It’s worth a try. I’ll save your seat in case you don’t find something.”

  Holly walked up the side aisle and looked for an unfilled pew. The second row on the opposite side looked sparse, and she went to ask if the empty spaces were reserved. The people didn’t seem to think so and scooted down to make room on the end for her, although they ended up leaving space for more than one person.

  Holly was amazed at how many were in attendance that she didn’t recognize. None of the people in her row or the one behind her regularly came to church. Some of them looked like grandparents, others younger. She wondered how many children were brought to church by someone other than their family. From the unfamiliar faces scattered throughout the room, she imagined quite a few.

  Holly remembered being in a Christmas program one year. She must have been about eight or nine, she supposed. A friend at school had invited her to spend the night at her house every once in awhile, sometimes on Saturday. Those times she always went to church in the morning with her family.

  One such Sunday had been in December, the same day as the children’s production. The church was much larger than this one and had a children’s choir. The teacher asked Holly if she could come back that night and sing with them too.

  Holly had been so excited and asked her mom to come. But her mother hadn’t. She’d been disappointed, but her memories of that night were otherwise good. Her friend had invited her many more times, but her mother stopped letting her spend the night on Saturdays anymore.

  The lights dimmed and a hush fell over the audience. Holly turned on her camera and heard music coming through the speakers. The children entered from the back and began assembling on stage for an opening song. She knew from hearing Madeline talk about the program for the last month that both singing and drama would make up the production.

  Madeline beamed from the first row, singing her heart out when the song began. Holly snapped two pictures and then sat back to enjoy the performance. Madeline had sung her solo for her several times, and Holly looked forward to when her turn came. She looked in her program and recognized the title of the final number. That was the one where Madeline would be the star.

  Before the first song ended, Holly saw someone walking down the side aisle out of the corner of her eye. Thinking they may be looking for a seat, she turned to let them know she had an available space beside her. It was Scott.

  He sat down without hesitation. She didn’t know if he had already spotted her or if he just happened to be looking for a place to sit. She swallowed hard and managed a faint smile. His expression remained pensive, not giving away anything.

  Holly returned her eyes to the stage and tried not to think about how her shoulder rested on his arm. Unable to move any closer to the stranger on her opposite side without touching them, she remained in place.

  The program went well for the most part. During the narrative scene where Mary and Joseph came down the aisle and walked up the steps to the stage, the girl tripped on the robe that was too long for her. Holly and many others around her sighed sweetly when the boy playing Joseph, who couldn’t have been more than ten, held out his hand to help her up.

  Several of the little children from the preschool class had to be prompted with their lines, and many of them spoke too quietly or too fast to be heard, but the audience got the general idea. Madeline had a short speaking part and spoke loud and clear, bringing a giggle to Holly’s throat at her flamboyance.

  Turning to Scott, she saw him smiling too. He caught her eye and winked, then leaned over and whispered, “That’s my girl.” A warm sensation traveled through her hearing Scott’s voice so close to her ear. Holly sat forward to take another picture.

  The final song included all the children and shared a message of hope. Jesus, who had come to earth as a baby, was in fact God Himself coming to save the world. That same Jesus had died on the cross, taking the sin of the world on His shoulders, and showing the unending mercy and love of God for His people.

  Holly felt her own heart being moved by the life-changing message of hope that had been shared with her for the first time two-and-a-half years ago. God loved her. God wanted her. God cared, and she didn’t have to walk the path of life alone. He came to Earth two thousand years ago. He came into her heart the day she asked him to.

  As Madeline stepped forward, singing the chorus one time by herself, her sweet voice permeated the room, offering the invitation for all to come see this Jesus for themselves. To let Him fill up that empty space in their hearts. To come and personally know their Savior. A lump rose in Holly’s throat at the sight of this little girl she had come to love sharing such a beautiful message and pouring her little heart out for God.

  Holly reached into her purse for a tissue and dabbed her moist eyelids. She turned and looked at Scott. He had tears trickling down his shadowed cheeks. Madeline’s solo ended, and the rest of the children joined back in, sharing the message one more time.

  Scott looked down, meeting her gaze. Holly smiled. His eyes didn’t return to the stage. Holly felt something pass between them in that moment. A sense of oneness. A feeling of mutual pride and love for that little girl.

  Our little girl.

  Holly moved her hand from her lap and found Scott’s. She folded her fingers around his and didn’t let go until the song ended and they joined the others in giving the children a standing ovation.

  The children took their bows and filed off the stage, heading down the center aisle and through the double doors at the back. The lights came on and people began making their way out. Holly remained standing in her spot, unable to move either way. She knew Scott was waiting for her to look at him. She finally did.

  What was that about?

  She knew her impulsive act had been a mistake. He knows that I still care for him. He’s not going to let me get away without an explanation now. But her rational thoughts couldn’t keep her heart from denying the truth. Something beyond logic had moved her to hold his hand in that moment. Those thirty seconds had been the best she’d had since he had kissed her by the river a month ago.

  “Madeline was amazing,” she said. “I’ve heard her sing it at day care so many times, but she really outdid herself up on that stage. She’s a natural.”

  Scott nodded. “I thought it was just me.”

  Holly shook her head. “No. I’m sure she had the same effect on everyone.”

  The crowd thinned out. Most people were headed away from them or standing around talking amongst themselves. Scott stepped into the aisle, and she walked beside him.

  “Will you come to Dairy Queen with us? I promised Madeline we’d go afterwards. My mom is going too.”

  Holly started to decline.

  “Please? It would mean a lot to Madeline,” he bargained.

  “Okay,” she replied.

  They parted at the stairs. Scott went down the hall to find his daughter. Holly went upstairs to get Sarah. When she came back down, Scott, Deb, Madeline and her family were gathered around each other with everyone raving about Madeline’s performance. Madeline was beaming.

  Holly set Sarah down and held out her arms. Madeline fell into them and giggled.

  “You were so wonderful,” she said. “Good job up there in front of all those people. I never could have done that.”

  “Are you coming to Dairy Queen? Please?”

  “Yes, I am!”

  Madeline jumped up and down and spun around to her daddy. “Holly is coming too!”

  Scott smiled. “All right, then. Let’s go.”

  Aunt Dana offered to take Sarah home since she was acting pretty tired. “That way you won’t have to eat and run. You can take your time.”

  Holly would have preferred to eat and run.

  Handing Sarah over to her aunt, Holly asked Tamara if she wanted to go too, but her cousin said she was going over to Brian’s for a little while. Well, at least Deb is going. That will keep this from being anything more than a special treat for Madeline after her spectacular performance.

  Walking to the parking lot with the others, Holly saw that Deb had brought her car, and she began following her, wanting to avoid any more time alone with Scott.

  “No, Holly,” Madeline said, grabbing her arm. “Ride with Daddy and me.”

  Glancing at Scott, she saw the silent plea in his eyes. Refusing Madeline’s request would only cause a scene. She had little choice in the matter.

  Holly wondered if Deb had told Scott about her plans to leave. She supposed she had but didn’t know for sure until he finally spoke once they had pulled onto the street. His words were calm, but she heard the pain in his voice.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I couldn’t get away yesterday,” she said. “I’m sorry.”

  Scott didn’t reply, and she remained quiet. The silence between them was deafening. She felt thankful for Madeline’s chatter and wanted the evening to be over as soon as possible.

  Why did I have to hold his hand? What is the matter with me? Haven’t I already hurt him enough? Why did I have to go and make it even worse?

  When they finally arrived at the restaurant, Holly focused her attention on Madeline. She avoided Scott’s gaze. Not an easy thing to do with him watching her the entire time. The most difficult moment came when they had finished and Scott offered to give her a ride home.

  “Do you mind taking Madeline with you?” he asked his mom. “It’s already late.”

  Holly could only hope Madeline would insist on coming with them, but this time she seemed perfectly happy with the arrangement, skipping off with her grandmother after giving her a good-bye hug. Scott led the way to his truck, and Holly once again got inside. He pulled out of the Dairy Queen parking lot and navigated the streets through town. Holly expected him to ask her more questions, and she had her answers prepared. She intended to explain herself calmly and rationally, give him a heartfelt goodbye when they reached the house, and walk away without looking back. She was leaving whether he liked it or not. Nothing he could say would persuade her otherwise.

  Things were simply not meant to be between them. She had tried. She had given into her feelings for a time, but a serious relationship was more than she could handle right now. He had said he would let her go with no strings attached. She had every intention of holding him to that promise. What had happened during Madeline’s solo had been nothing more than a result of their friendship and mutual love for Madeline. It didn’t change anything.

  Holly couldn’t help but think God had worked it out so she could say good-bye to him in a private way but with a limited amount of time. If she had met him at the park yesterday, who knows how long he may have tried to keep her there. But only a certain number of miles and minutes lay between town and home. Once they pulled into the driveway, any lingering would only arouse suspicion among her family.

  As they approached the street leading into the hills, however, Scott pulled the truck into a convenience store parking lot, turned off the engine, and removed his seat belt.

  “Okay, Holly” he said, folding his arms in front of his chest. “Talk to me.”