“Okay, fine. So tell me. Was it Daddy leaving? Is that what ruined your life so much that you have to ruin mine too?”

  “You’ve done a fine job of ruining your own life. Don’t blame me for getting yourself knocked up. I may not be a saint, but at least I’m not a whore.”

  Holly turned away. This time she didn’t stop, but her mother walked beside her, telling her the whole story. From meeting her dad in her second year of college, to marrying him and quitting school six months later, getting pregnant sooner than she planned, her dad’s drinking habits, how he started slapping her around if dinner was late, or the house was a mess, or one of “you brats” wouldn’t be quiet.

  Holly had faint recollections of her dad hitting her mom. She’d never seen him hurt her really bad, just pushing her against the wall or slapping her. And only when he was drunk. He’d never touched Paul or herself that she could remember. She had been afraid of him though and tried to stay out of his way. Then one day he left, and she hadn’t seen him since. She used to tell her friends he had died.

  Holly walked to a bench when they came to the edge of the park and sat down. She didn’t want to show up on Deb’s doorstep with her mother. Praying once again for strength, she turned to her mother’s flushed face and spoke as calmly as she could.

  “I’m very sorry for everything that happened to you, Mama. But you can’t punish me for Daddy’s mistakes. I have made my own. I know that. And I don’t expect you to help me. But I have asked for God’s forgiveness and--”

  “Don’t go spouting your holier-than-thou crap to me. I get enough of that from my sister. If you think living under Dana’s roof and taking advantage of her generosity will turn a piece of filth like you into a saint like her, think again. Dana is more perfect than Jesus himself. And don’t think you’re going to find a saint of a husband like she did either. No decent guy is going to want you. You’ll end up with someone just like your father, or worse, and then you’ll understand why I am such a witch.”

  Holly felt numb as her mother rose from the bench and walked away. She stared after her, blinking back tears. Eventually she rose from the bench and began walking aimlessly around the perimeter of the park. She didn’t want to see Deb or anyone right now. She only wanted to be alone.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  At three-thirty Holly called the house and asked her uncle if he could come pick her up. She didn’t ask if her mother had told them what had happened. Somehow she doubted it.

  “Are you okay?” Uncle Jack asked after they were in the car and on their way home.

  “I’ll survive,” she said, not planning to share anything more.

  Her uncle didn’t pry. She thanked him for coming to get her when they reached the house, then went to her room. Finding Sarah sleeping in her crib, she laid down on her own bed, feeling too emotionally spent to do anything, even cry.

  A soft knock sounded on her door while she fed Sarah an hour later. Aunt Dana peeked inside and said Deb had called wanting to know if she was coming over today. She had forgotten about Madeline’s request and took some comfort in the fact she hadn’t promised to come.

  “I don’t think I’m up for that,” she told her aunt. “Tell her I’m sorry and I’ll see her tomorrow.”

  “I’m sure she’ll understand,” Dana assured her.

  Holly stayed in her room playing with Sarah on the floor. She didn’t feel like answering any questions or having anyone stare at her with pity if they already knew why her mother had come. Uncle Jack came up to bring her some dinner and took Sarah down with him for their evening rocking time. Her mom’s words about never finding a man like her uncle echoed in her thoughts. She supposed her mother was right about that.

  Tamara came in to chat. She and Brian had spent the afternoon together, and she told her about her pathetic attempt at bowling. Holly tried to soak up some of her cousin’s happiness for herself.

  “How did things go with your mom?” Tamara eventually asked.

  “Not so great,” she shrugged. “I didn’t expect her to roll out the red carpet for me.”

  “I’m sorry,” Tamara said. Holly knew she meant it.

  “Me too.”

  Tamara hugged her and said she had some math homework to do and a Spanish test to study for. Holly did some reading and then went to see how Sarah was doing. She and Uncle Jack were playing with a musical toy in the rocking chair. Sarah looked mesmerized by the colorful lights and sounds.

  She went to the kitchen to get some peppermint tea. Aunt Dana sat at the kitchen table, doing some prep work for her class. Holly planned on leaving her alone to work, but her aunt invited her to sit down.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Holly wondered what she meant by that. Did she know the things her mother had said to her, or was she asking? She shrugged and took a sip from the hot mug.

  “Why did she come, Holly?”

  As much as Holly felt like lying and making up some story that wasn’t great but not too awful, she couldn’t. Her aunt would find out the truth eventually, and she didn’t want her thinking any less of her than she already did.

  Holly sighed and felt the tears coming before she spoke a word. Aunt Dana reached across the table and squeezed her hand.

  “Tell me, Holly. Don’t hold it all inside.”

  “I don’t want to,” she choked out, vainly attempting to keep her tears from coursing down her cheeks. Sobs escaped her throat, and she buried her face in her hands.

  “Oh, sweetie,” her aunt said, getting up from her chair and kneeling beside her. Holly fell into her arms. Her aunt stroked her hair and patted her back until she felt calm enough to speak.

  Holly told her everything. About the phone call, the poem, her mom’s account of her failed marriage, her mom’s comments about not being good enough for church or God. She didn’t share the part about her mother calling her a whore and that she’d never find a decent guy to marry. Those were too painful and too close to the truth for her to bring herself to share. She had given her aunt the general idea.

  “Holly. Look at me.”

  She lifted her eyes to her aunt’s face, wiping away the remaining tears with her fingertips. You can never be like her. She realized how much she had begun to want to be the kind of woman Aunt Dana was: Compassionate, caring, a great wife and mother, someone who went out of her way to help others, close to God, a woman of faith, joy, and love. She swallowed the tears begging to start afresh.

  “That was very brave of you to call her. Don’t be sorry for that. I’m sorry it didn’t turn out better, but she is wrong, not you.”

  Holly didn’t reply. Aunt Dana kept talking. Each word she spoke chipped away at the bad thoughts Holly had begun to have about herself again.

  “Your mom has not had an easy life, I know that. But that doesn’t give her the right to turn away her own children. Did you know that she forced Paul to join the military?”

  Holly shook her head. She remembered Paul arguing with Mom about it, but she had assumed Paul made the decision for himself in the end.

  “And most of all, she is wrong about the things she said about God. You have been forgiven. God has removed your sin as far as the east is from the west. None of us are worthy of God on our own. Not me, not Jack, none of us. But with Jesus we all are. You just as much as me. Don’t ever doubt that.”

  Holly felt better. Her aunt wasn’t saying anything she didn’t already know, but she had needed to hear it again. She had one more thing to share, however. Something that had been plaguing her long before her mother had mentioned it this afternoon.

  “She said I’m taking advantage of you and Uncle Jack. I’m sorry for interrupting your life like I have. I know it can’t be easy having me here.”

  Her aunt didn’t say anything, but she pulled her to her feet and led her into the family room. Holly saw Uncle Jack lying on the floor holding Sarah above him and making sounds like an airplane. Sarah laughed each time he brought her close to his face and lifted her back into the air.

  Uncle Jack spotted them and grinned broadly. Holly smiled in return, then looked back to Aunt Dana.

  “You and Sarah are not an interruption. You are a joy. Don’t ever think we don’t want you here.”

  She hugged her aunt tightly and felt the pain from the afternoon melting away. How could her aunt and her mom be so different? Why had her aunt’s life turned out so well while her mother’s seemed to only get worse as the years went by? She didn’t understand but knew she couldn’t let her mother take away her own happiness or her trust in God. She had to put today behind her.

  Over the next two months Holly did just that. She went on with life. Going to school, working at the day care, spending her evenings and weekends with family. During Spring Break they went to the beach for a few days. It was the first time Holly had ever been on a family vacation. She and Tamara shared a room, and they went beach-combing, shopping, and stayed up late talking.

  Tamara and Brian were still seeing each other, usually going out on Friday or Saturday night. Tamara had nothing but good things to say about Brian and their time together. Holly didn’t feel envious of Tamara’s happiness. She admired her too much to feel jealous. Maybe she would never have a guy like Brian, but she could enjoy listening to someone who did.

  Holly continued to take advantage of the view from her window on the nights Brian brought Tamara home. She hadn’t seen them kiss yet. During one of her late-night chats with Tamara at the beach, Tamara said Brian told her he had kissed a few girls on the first or second date and then regretted it later because he had given the girls the impression he had stronger feelings for them than he actually did.

  “He told me he doesn’t want to kiss me until he knows for sure that we’re meant to be more than friends, because if we aren’t he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship. Isn’t that sweet?”

  Holly smiled at Tamara’s starry-eyed look. She knew Tamara hoped for something more than a casual friendship, but she also knew that Tamara was willing to wait for the right time. There was a good chance they were both going to the same college next year, but neither of them had decided for sure. Holly wondered if that would be the final factor in whether or not they continued dating once the school year ended.

  The kiss came at an unexpected time. For Tamara, for Brian, and for Holly. They had gone to the church on the first Saturday in May. The youth group set aside the day to paint several classrooms in the church. About ten of them had shown up, and three or four students were assigned to each room. Holly, Tamara, and Brian painted one classroom together in the morning, and then were assigned to another after lunch.

  They had taken their work seriously in the morning, but let loose a bit in the afternoon. It started with Tamara accidentally swiping her brush against Holly’s arm when they both went for the paint can at the same moment. Holly got her back a few minutes later, catching Tamara’s elbow with a strip of yellow paint. Then Brian got into the act, stroking Tamara’s cheek with his paint-covered finger.

  And so their game continued. Each one trying to catch another off-guard. Holly got brave and joined Tamara in ganging up on Brian. They each got him good on both sides of his face. Brian retaliated, using his brush like a sword, catching Tamara on the arm and Holly on the side of her neck.

  “Oops, I got some in your hair,” Brian apologized, pointing out the glob in her ponytail.

  “Okay, truce!” Tamara hollered, holding up her brush like a white flag. “We better get finished or we’ll be here all day.”

  “I’ll go wash this out of my hair,” Holly said, setting down her brush and heading for the bathroom down the hall. She managed to get the right spot under the water and rinsed out the yellow paint. Then she washed the other battle wounds on her arms, neck, and face.

  When she returned to the room, she entered the doorway and came to a dead stop. Tamara and Brian were along the opposite wall. Each of them had a paint brush in their hand, and they were lost in a tender kiss. Holly stepped back, waited out of sight, and then made her entrance after they had stepped away from each other. She had a fun time watching them try and go back to the task like nothing had happened and saw them exchange several stolen glances and smiles.

  She wondered what had happened while she’d been away to bring the spontaneous display of affection about. She had a pretty good idea when she noticed a smudge of paint just below Tamara’s lower lip.

  That evening after dinner she and Tamara were loading the dishwasher, and Holly heard Tamara humming to herself. Holly used it as an excuse to make her inquiry.

  “What’s that smile for?” she asked.

  Tamara lifted her eyes, letting her full smile emerge. “Nuthin’.”

  “Oh, come on. You can’t keep secrets from me. How’s that boyfriend of yours treating you?”

  “Fine.” Tamara glanced around to see if they were alone, then whispered, “He kissed me today.”

  Holly tried to act surprised. “On the lips?” she whispered back.

  Tamara nodded.

  “Was that the first time?”

  She nodded again.

  Holly nudged her playfully. “So, how was it?”

  Tamara flashed a delighted smile. “Worth the wait.”

  Tamara and Brian’s new phase in their relationship became apparent to everyone after that day. Whenever they were together they stood out as a couple. They held hands and gave each other sweet kisses, and Brian usually spent several evenings each week at the house.

  But with Tamara scheduled to leave a week after graduation to be on staff at a Christian youth camp all summer, she had a hard time thinking about being separated from Brian for three months. She had already committed to go, however, and knew that’s where God wanted her, having worked at the camp the two previous summers.

  Holly watched Tamara and Brian say good bye from her bedroom window the night before her cousin left for the camp located four hours away from Hood River. They held each other for a long time, spoke a few words, and then kissed slowly and tenderly. Holly heard Tamara crying in her room later, and she went to comfort her.

  “What if he forgets about me, Holl? What if he changes his mind about going to Western in the fall, and I never see him again?”

  “Tam. Seriously? I’ve seen the way Brian looks at you. He is not going to forget, and he’s going to be counting the days until September.”

  Tamara sniffled again. “You really think so?”

  “Yes, silly. With the way he kisses you?”

  Tamara gave her a curious stare. “How do you know about how he kisses?”

  “My window overlooks the driveway, honey. I’ve seen more than enough to make my verdict. That boy is in love with you.”

  Tamara laughed. “Oh, Holly. I’m going to miss you too, you know. You’re like the sister I never had.”

  Holly felt her own tears beginning to rise. She didn’t want to think about Tamara leaving. Who would she share her secret thoughts with? Who would she have to chat with late at night? Who would she have to hang around with on the weekends? Aunt Dana and Uncle Jack were great, but Tamara had become much more than a cousin. She had become her best friend.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Holly’s summer consisted of finishing up her remaining credits for school, spending as much time at Deb’s as her schedule allowed, and missing Tamara. She wrote her at least once a week and received letters in return. But it wasn’t the same as seeing her every day, laughing together, and having their late-night talks.

  Tamara came home one weekend in July, but their time together was short, only two and a half days. Brian stole her away for one evening, and then the next day she was gone again.

  Holly’s best times were during the day with the children. They always cheered her up and renewed her energy. The weekends were the hardest. No school or work to keep her busy. She didn’t have the same luxury as Brian had. In the fall he and Tamara would both be attending Western Oregon University near Salem, and he could be with her again. But she would still be in Hood River and only get to see her cousin on breaks and holidays.

  Aunt Dana and Uncle Jack offered to help her go to college here. A community college was located in The Dalles, about thirty minutes away, and she could take some classes to get her Associates degree or enroll in one of their career-specific training programs. She thought about going part-time, but Deb asked if she was interested in helping her all day with the children once she finished with summer school. They could bring in a few more children to provide her with a full-time salary. She didn’t feel like she could pass up the opportunity. She didn’t have a particular interest in anything to go to school for, and she didn’t have any desire to work somewhere else. No other job could offer her the most important benefit of being with her daughter.

  “I’ve been thinking we need to plan a birthday party,” her aunt said one evening at dinner in late July.

  Holly looked up. Is she talking about me?

  “For who?” Ty asked.

  “Holly,” Aunt Dana replied. “It’s this Sunday, isn’t it?”

  “Yes.” She hadn’t expected anyone to know when her birthday was. “But we don’t have to have a big party,” she said, thinking of the celebration they’d had for Tamara back in February and for Ty last month.

  “You only turn eighteen once,” Uncle Jack said. “Don’t deny your aunt the opportunity to throw a party. She’s already got the wheels spinning. I can see that sparkle in her eye.”

  “You give me a list of who you want to invite,” Aunt Dana chimed in, “and I’ll take care of the rest.”

  Who I want to invite? Who’s going to want to come? I don’t have the social life Tamara has.

  But the planning had already begun, and she didn’t see any way to stop it. That night she made up a short list of friends she had made, but she didn’t know if any of them would come. She could imagine her aunt going to all that trouble and then no one showing up. She decided to pretend to forget, but the next day her aunt asked her about it.

  “I don’t know who to ask,” she admitted.