“Where did you go?”

  “Malaysia and Singapore. It was a really great experience for me.”

  “Was that hard being away from Patrick for a whole year?”

  “Very hard, but God gave us both the grace to handle the separation, and our relationship actually grew through that time away from each other.”

  “Did you go to OSU the next year?”

  “No. When I came back, I went to Bible college here in Portland. During that time I did my field-ministry work at the pregnancy center and as a sidewalk counselor outside abortion clinics. The next summer I debated about whether or not to return to school in the fall and ended up deciding to work and volunteer at the center instead.”

  “When did you decide to get married?”

  “When we knew I was definitely not on the graduate-from-college path, we both started feeling like it was time. Patrick proposed in October, and we got married a week before Christmas.”

  “Wow! That was fast.”

  “I know. I can’t explain it. We both knew it was right.”

  When Holly went to bed that night she kept thinking about what Faith said about feeling like she was supposed to be doing something besides going to college. She’d been feeling that way for the last nine months. Her summer had been okay with Bryce to keep her company and have fun with, and while she hadn’t liked working at the day care center as much as working at Deb’s, it had been all right--better than taking a bunch of classes she had little interest in.

  Why did I leave a job that I loved to go back to school and be miserable? Why am I here? This isn’t where I belong, and I know it. But how can I go back to Hood River now? My job isn’t waiting for me. I’m still not ready to be with Scott. Oh God, what am I going to do? Please show me what is right for me.

  Holly didn’t hear an answer from God that night or during the weeks that followed. Most days she felt like skipping all her classes and going shopping instead. She thought about quitting school and trying to find a job at a small home day care, but her excuse for being in Portland was school. She was stuck and she felt trapped. Her evenings with Sarah and her surrogate family were pleasant, but during the day she felt tired, lonely, and depressed.

  The last Friday in October Bryce came to visit her and they went to a concert. Rebecca St. James was in town, and knowing how much she enjoyed her music, Bryce had gotten them some excellent seats. The atmosphere inside the auditorium felt electric with all the worshiping fans and loud music.

  Holly hadn’t been listening to as much music lately and let the powerful lyrics wash over her as if hearing them for the first time. Rebecca’s passion for God permeated her own spirit and left her with a sense of joy and peace she hadn’t had in months. Several times Rebecca stopped to tell them a story or encourage them in their faith, leaving tears in Holly’s eyes and a lump in her throat.

  She knew that no matter how mixed up and lonely she felt, God had not abandoned her. He loved her. She could reach out to Him, and He was waiting with open arms to uplift her and show her the path He had planned for her.

  Rebecca gave an invitation at the end of the concert for those to come forward who felt God tugging on their hearts about coming to know Jesus for the first time, making a recommitment to Him, or giving their talents to the Lord. Although Holly didn’t feel led to walk to the front, she surrendered her heart to God where she stood. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she released her weary heart to Him.

  God, I need your peace and your love. Don’t ever let go of my heart. I love you and want to trust you with everything. Help me to stay faithful and let you love me in return. I give all I am to you, my Savior and my God.

  After the final song, Rebecca left the stage, and the house lights came on. Holly found herself wanting the evening to never end and remained in her seat until Bryce pulled her to her feet with a teasing grin on his face.

  “So, do you want to go meet Becca with me?”

  “What?” She laughed, certain he was joking.

  He pulled two cards from his back pocket and held them up. “I got us backstage passes.”

  “Bryce! Are you serious?”

  “Come on,” he said, dragging her into the aisle and heading for the designated area.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, fighting to keep up with him.

  “I wanted you to enjoy the concert and not be anxious about meeting her afterward.”

  She grabbed his arm and stayed close at his side until they were in the backstage area. Holly didn’t know if she would get to actually talk to Rebecca herself or not. She’d never been backstage before and had no idea what to expect. She tried to think of what she would say if she did get a chance to say something, but her mind had gone a complete blank.

  She knew Bryce was right about it being better for him not to tell her beforehand, she would have been nervous the entire evening, but she also would have had a chance to think of how to act and what to say. It seemed like a dream. She kept expecting herself to wake up any minute.

  When Rebecca appeared from behind a curtain, she smiled broadly and everyone cheered. She responded graciously, said a few words in her Australian accent, and then said she would sign autographs. Holly and Bryce hung back, letting several teens go ahead of them. Holly kept her eyes on the singer, hardly believing this was happening and still feeling at a loss for what she could say to her. She didn’t even have anything for her to sign. She had left her purse at home.

  Bryce stepped forward when their turn came and handed Rebecca the backstage passes. He told her their names. Holly felt awestruck at being so close to someone she had admired for such a long time but had never dreamed of actually meeting someday. How could someone that had been singing in front of thousands of people a short time ago now be standing there talking to her and Bryce as if it was the most natural thing in the world?

  Rebecca signed their passes and handed them back to Bryce. It was then that she looked at her and smiled. Still feeling at a loss for words, Holly smiled in return. She forced herself to say something.

  “Thank you for your music,” she began, feeling her throat constrict and tears stinging her eyes. “You have touched me so many times. Especially tonight. I--” She couldn’t go on and felt foolish. She supposed she sounded like an annoying, blubbering fan.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, brushing away a tear and stepping back, ready to exit the area without drawing any more attention to herself. Others were waiting for their chance to get an autograph and say something much more eloquent, she felt certain.

  Rebecca reached out and touched her arm, smiled sincerely, and stepped toward her. “Don’t be sorry,” she said, her own eyes pooling with tears. Rebecca put her arms around her and held her for several seconds. When she stepped back she smiled again and said, “This is why I do this, Holly. To let God touch others through me. I’m glad He has touched you. Don’t ever stop letting Him.”

  Holly smiled. “I won’t.”

  Still not believing what had just happened, Holly walked beside Bryce down the street to where they had parked about four blocks away from the concert hall. She took his hand and thanked him again for taking her.

  “You’re welcome, again,” he said, squeezing her fingers and lifting them to his lips to kiss briefly.

  “I can’t believe she hugged me,” Holly said.

  “She must have seen something in your eyes. They are very expressive. I’ve been the victim of them myself many times.”

  She wondered what exactly Bryce meant by that. How had her eyes affected him? Had they made him be more open with her, sharing things he may otherwise have kept to himself? Had they made him more attracted to her? Had they made him want to kiss her?

  Since that time this summer when she had told him she wasn’t ready, he had kept his distance, although there had been a few times she thought he looked like he wanted to kiss her. She was still thinking about that possibility when he walked her to the Matthews’ front door. They had already made plans to see each other tomorrow. She turned to look at him and thanked him one last time for the fun evening. He stepped forward and held her in a warm embrace.

  “I’m glad you liked it,” he said. His voice sounded soft and caring. He stepped away, and she looked into his eyes, daring to explore the possibility of letting him kiss her if he showed any signs of wanting to do so. She had missed him.

  She longed to feel desirable to someone again--to let someone love her and hold her like Scott had done. Her chances of ever having his affection again didn’t seem likely. He had moved on with his life. If he had fallen away from God, perhaps he wasn’t the man for her after all--as much as that thought saddened her. Now she had a chance with someone else. She couldn’t let her fears control her this time.

  Bryce was looking at her. He seemed to be waiting for some kind of indication that he could kiss her good-night. They’d been seeing each other for four months now. She couldn’t blame him for wanting something more.

  Apparently her eyes gave her away, and he leaned toward her ever so slowly, giving her plenty of time to stop him if she wanted to. But she didn’t, and she closed her eyes. His lips were soft and warm, just as she knew they would be.

  “Good night, Holly,” he said, stepping back with a smile. “Are we still on for tomorrow?”

  She nodded. They were going to a movie in the afternoon and then to dinner at his parents’ house. His mom and dad had invited her and Sarah twice during the summer, and she always enjoyed spending an evening with his family. They reminded her of Jack and Dana in many ways, and she looked forward to another opportunity to chase away her homesickness that still plagued her more than she admitted to anyone.

  Perhaps allowing herself to be closer to Bryce would help her loneliness subside. As he walked away she tried not to think about the fact that he would be returning to Eugene on Monday.

  Jesus, I like Bryce a lot, she prayed in her room before going to sleep. But am I ready for a relationship? I know I want this, but is he the one you have for me? Please show me the right path to take and may you be at the center of our relationship if it’s meant to be. If not, help me to trust you and wait. I have asked you to bless me like Josie said I should. Don’t let me jump ahead of you. If it’s not right, please show me and give me peace one way or the other.

  That night Holly had a wonderful dream. Bryce asked her to marry him while having dinner with his parents. Saying yes came easily from her lips, and Rebecca St. James sang at their wedding the following day. Standing at the altar, she professed her love and commitment to her future husband and awaited the magic words: “You may kiss the bride.”

  Bryce leaned down just as he had done on the front porch and kissed her gently, slowly increasing the intensity until she felt passion stirring within her like never before. Breathless, she stepped back and opened her eyes, feeling surprised at his strong desire for her.

  But his blue eyes weren’t staring back at her. Blinking several times, she tried to make the face before her change, but it wouldn’t. Those soft brown eyes remained brown. That imagined kiss had not come from Bryce.

  Scott was the one who had kissed her with so much passion. The one who made her ache deep within.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  By the time Winter Break came, Holly could not get home fast enough. She hugged her aunt and uncle extra tight. She enjoyed life’s simple pleasures: going Christmas shopping, making dinner for the family, reading books to Sarah.

  She and Tamara colored each other’s hair one day. It was the first time for either of them, and it turned out pretty well. Tamara had chosen autumn sunrise, making her hair a little more red and a little less brown. She hadn’t told Brian she was going to do it, but he was pleasantly surprised.

  Holly cut her hair in the back, taking off about five inches and leaving it shoulder length. She went with a golden blonde that made her hair a few shades above her natural light brown. It wasn’t a drastic change but just enough to make it fun. Several people said it brought out her large hazel eyes more. She considered that a compliment.

  Each Sunday she kept hoping Scott would show up at church, but he didn’t. She felt sick about him not attending because of what she had done to him and began to grow angry with God.

  I asked you to not let me hurt him. I’ve been praying for him for the last three months, but he’s still not here. Are you even there anymore? Why aren’t you answering me?

  On the night of the children’s Christmas program, Holly felt excited about Sarah having a small part this year. She was one of the angels and shouted the line “Glory to God in the highest!” with her fellow angels.

  But Holly kept thinking about the way Madeline had sung last year and how special she had felt in that moment sitting beside Scott. A feeling so special she had reached for his hand and held it in her own. The memory was as vivid in her mind as if it had happened yesterday.

  That night while lying in her bed she heard God speaking to her. She had heard His voice several times since her return, but she had chosen to ignore the silent nudging, telling herself it was only her own irrational thoughts.

  Go see him.

  Pushing the thought aside, she fell into a restless sleep. The nightmares about her dad came again. She hadn’t had them in a long time. Waking up with her heart pounding and her body sweating, she tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t get the images out of her head. Finally she sat up and turned on the light, then propped up several pillows and leaned against them. She awoke in the morning in that same position.

  She went shopping with Tamara and Aunt Dana the next day. She didn’t have as much money to spend as she had last year, but she did the best she could. When they arrived home, Uncle Jack said Deb had called and wanted her to call her back. She tried after dinner and got her on the first ring.

  “Holly! I’m so glad you called.”

  She had been over to visit once since being home and couldn’t imagine what Deb wanted to talk to her about. She didn’t have to wait to find out.

  “I wanted to let you know that Maddy is going to be singing in the children’s Christmas musical this coming Sunday night at their church and invite you to come.”

  Trying to digest the information, Holly replied, “Their church?”

  “Yes. You know the one Scott’s going to now, Valley View. It’s quite a large church, and they put on wonderful programs. I’ve been to a few in years past. That’s where Brady and Bethany’s parents go. Do you think you might be able to come?”

  “Sure,” she said, feeling the tremendous weight being lifted from her heart. “What time?”

  Deb gave her all the information, including directions to the church, and said she would look for her on Sunday. Holly hung up the phone and immediately felt repentant.

  I’m sorry I doubted you, God. You’ve been keeping Scott close to you this entire time. I never even considered that he had started going to a different church.

  That night as she lay in bed, she realized Scott had probably switched churches for her sake so she wouldn’t have to endure awkward moments whenever she was in town.

  Go see him, she heard again. This time she told God she’d think about it.

  Holly looked forward to the following Sunday night almost as much as Christmas Day itself. She left Sarah at home with her aunt and uncle and headed for town in plenty of time, but she took a wrong turn and had to weave her way back to the right street.

  Still arriving ten minutes early, she found the large auditorium already packed. She looked for Deb and Scott but couldn’t find them in the mob. She decided to find a seat before there weren't any left and settled herself to enjoy the show.

  And what a show it was: a full-on musical with over one hundred children singing, dancing, and playing instruments. A drama sketch was intertwined with the songs, and those kids could act. Many others besides Madeline had solo parts, but Madeline shone along with the rest of them. Holly came away feeling very blessed by the children’s performance. Every song seemed to touch her heart in a special way.

  The pandemonium afterwards was even greater than prior to the performance. Holly searched for Deb and Scott more diligently this time, but still only saw strange faces surrounding her. She decided to drop by Deb’s sometime later in the week to tell Madeline she had been there and what a great job she had done.

  As she drove home, she considered driving to Scott’s house and meeting them there, but she didn’t have the exact address with her. She still hadn’t decided for sure if she wanted to see him.

  Bryce came to see her two days later. She had only seen him briefly in Portland before coming home earlier this month and hadn’t spent a significant amount of time with him since Thanksgiving. Aunt Dana and Uncle Jack had heard about Bryce, but this was the first time they had met him. They seemed to approve--not surprising. Who wouldn’t like Bryce?

  She enjoyed spending time with him as always, but by the following afternoon, she knew she needed to tell him the truth. Although he had kissed her a few times, they still had kept their relationship mostly one of friendship. He deserved to know what was going on inside her heart before he got any more attached to her.

  “I want you to know I care for you very much,” she began. She had asked him to go for a walk with her, telling him she had something to say, and she had his full attention. His eyes started to glaze over at her words.

  “Uh-oh. This sounds like the beginning of an ‘I just want to be friends’ speech.”

  She sighed. “I’m sorry, Bryce. I really am. But I don’t feel the same things toward you that I think you feel about me.”

  He looked disappointed but not hurt. She felt relieved. Hurting him was the last thing she wanted to do.

  “Well, I won’t say I’m not disappointed,” he confirmed. She could see his breath in the cool air. “But I can’t make you fall in love with me, I suppose. Can I?”