“Well, look who’s back. It’s Pooh Bear.”

  Madeline turned slightly, glancing at Holly out of the corner of her eye.

  “Oh, no. It’s Elmo!”

  Madeline shook her head this time. “Madeline!”

  “Oh, that’s right. Madeline. How could I forget?”

  Holly let Madeline be and went to play with the twins some more. She wondered about the reason for Madeline’s unexpected visit and why Scott had left so quickly, but she didn’t ask. She didn’t have to wait long for either answer.

  “Scott had to come pick up a part from a garage here in town and decided to get Maddy early from day care, bring her here to stay with me tonight and tomorrow, and then come back for her on Sunday.”

  “Wow, Madeline!” Holly said, tugging on the little girl’s foot. “A whole weekend at Grandma’s. You two are gonna have fun, I bet.”

  By the end of the afternoon Madeline had gotten over her initial shyness, playing with the other kids and talking almost nonstop. At four-thirty when Holly put Sarah into her car seat, Madeline didn’t want her to go.

  “Madeline come too,” she said, reaching for her coat on the lower peg. “Madeline go with Holl-lee.”

  “But if you come with me, Grandma will get lonely.”

  Madeline pondered her words but still clung to her coat.

  “How about if Holly comes over tomorrow and plays some more? Will that be okay? Then Grandma won’t be here all by herself tonight.”

  Madeline put the coat back. “Holly go home. Madeline stay with Grandma. Holly come tomorrow.”

  Holly hoped that was all right with Deb. She supposed she could call in the morning and make sure Deb didn’t have other plans or mind the intrusion on her precious time with her granddaughter. But before Holly got out the door, Deb came to give her a check. Holly tucked it into her wallet and mentioned Madeline’s request.

  “Oh, yes. Come. I don’t have any definite plans for tomorrow. We’ll decide if we want to go out anywhere when you get here.”

  Holly ended up spending the following afternoon with them at the park. The weather had been milder than usual this week for February, but they didn’t stay out in the cold too long for Sarah’s sake. Afterward they went to Deb’s house, and Holly played with Madeline while Sarah slept and Deb did her routine Saturday cleaning.

  She couldn’t stay as long as Madeline wanted her to. Tamara’s birthday party was tonight, and she had promised to help her aunt with the preparations. Brian would be joining the family celebration along with many of Tamara’s other friends.

  “Holly come tomorrow,” Madeline said as Holly gathered Sarah’s things.

  “Your daddy is coming tomorrow,” she said.

  “Holly come too,” she said matter-of-factly.

  Holly glanced at Deb. She didn’t want to lie to the child and say she would come to keep Madeline from getting upset. But she didn’t want to accept Madeline’s invitation unless Deb didn’t mind. She assumed Deb would rather have the time alone with her son and granddaughter.

  “Are you busy tomorrow?” Deb asked, extending the invitation as well.

  Holly tried to think about what homework she had. She had gotten most of it done last night and only had some reading to do for economics class.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

  “Well, it’s fine with me. But if you’re busy, then don’t feel like you have to. Maddy doesn’t have to get her way all the time. But you are definitely welcome.”

  Holly didn’t want to promise Madeline she’d be here, but she thought she could probably come over for little while. “Maybe,” she said. “But I’ll give you a hug now in case I don’t see you tomorrow, okay?”

  Madeline threw her arms around her neck and hugged her tight. Holly rubbed Madeline’s nose with her own. “Bye, sweetie. I’ll see you soon.”

  Madeline had the last word when Holly stepped out the door with Sarah’s car seat in hand. “Holly come tomorrow.”

  Aunt Dana had dinner preparations in full swing by the time Holly arrived. Passing Sarah off to Uncle Jack, she went to help and was busy putting pepperoni on the homemade pizzas when she realized her aunt seemed more quiet than usual. She wondered if something about the upcoming evening had gone awry. Was Brian not coming as planned and Tamara up in her room crying? Or was Aunt Dana upset that she hadn’t been here sooner to help? After getting the pizzas into the oven, Holly decided to ask where Tamara was.

  “She went to the store to get some things. She should be back any minute.”

  Okay, Tamara was fine, but Holly knew something must have happened. Her aunt wasn’t herself.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner to help. Madeline insisted I stay until the movie ended. I’m afraid she has me wrapped around her little finger.”

  Her aunt smiled but didn’t reply.

  Is she that mad at me? Tears stung Holly’s eyes. I’m sorry, Aunt Dana. Please don’t be mad. I can’t bear the thought of you being upset with me.

  “Your mom called a little while ago,” Dana said.

  Holly suddenly remembered the phone call. Oh no. I blew it. I shouldn’t have called. That’s why Aunt Dana is upset.

  “What did she say?” Holly squeaked out.

  Aunt Dana turned to face her. Holly felt like she was going to be sick. Her aunt had been working so hard to get through to her mother, to break down the walls. She had blown all that with one impulsive act.

  “I’m sorry I--” Holly began.

  “She wants to see you,” her aunt interrupted, sounding cautious but not the least bit angry. “She’s coming tomorrow.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  “I tried to get her to call back later and talk to you before deciding to come, but she insisted,” Aunt Dana said. “I hope that’s okay. She wouldn’t tell me what this is about.”

  Holly wondered what her mother’s intentions were also. She decided not to mention the phone call or the poem to her aunt. Her mother was coming tomorrow, and this was between them.

  She tried to put her questions and worries aside for the evening and enjoy the party. With Tamara full of smiles all night, happy to have her friends sharing the evening with her-- especially Brian, Holly wanted to share in her cousin’s joy. She had heard bits and pieces from Tamara about her and Brian’s budding relationship. Holly felt happy for her cousin and enjoyed hearing as much as Tamara wanted to share with her.

  “Brian said he hasn’t dated much either,” Tamara had told her after the dance. “He’s never had a steady girlfriend. Can you believe that? As good-looking as he is?”

  Holly found that surprising too, although she thought Tamara was beautiful, and she hadn’t dated anyone seriously either.

  “He said he really likes me and wants us to get to know each other better before we put any labels on our relationship, but he asked me out for next Saturday.”

  “Did he kiss you?”

  Tamara smiled. “I think he thought about it, but he didn’t. He held my hand, but that was all, and that was enough for me.”

  That had been two weeks ago, and as far as Holly knew, “the kiss” hadn’t happened yet. She didn’t know if Tamara would tell her if and when it did, but Holly suspected Tamara wouldn’t be able to hide such news.

  After Tamara opened her gifts around eight-thirty, Holly had to take Sarah upstairs to feed her and get her ready for bed. Sarah had begun sleeping through the night a few weeks ago, much to Holly’s relief. She was amazed at what a difference it made for her to get a full night’s sleep.

  She changed Sarah into her pajamas and strolled to the window to sing her some lullabies in the darkened room. She spotted Tamara below, walking Brian and her other friends out to say good night. Molly, Carrie, and Leila drove away after a few minutes, leaving Brian and Tamara alone. Holly watched them as they talked beside Brian’s car.

  She found the interaction between Tamara and Brian too sweet to turn away from. Tamara laughed at something Brian said, and Brian reached out to take her hand. Tamara kept looking around, up at the sky, to the trees, to Brian briefly, and then away again.

  Brain kept his eyes on Tamara the whole time. A few inches taller than Tamara, he had dark brown hair and broad shoulders, a nice smile and a smooth face. She remembered Tamara saying his eyes were the color of the ocean on an overcast day.

  After several minutes Holly watched Brain take Tamara’s elbow and pull her closer. Tamara lifted her eyes, and Brian said something that made her smile. Brian leaned in, whispering something in Tamara’s ear. Tamara laughed and shoved him away playfully.

  Holly realized Sarah had fallen asleep on her shoulder, and she almost turned away to go lay her in her crib, but she couldn’t peel her eyes away from the act happening center stage just yet.

  Brian drew Tamara close again. He reached for Tamara’s chin and tilted her face up to his. They stared at each other. Holly held her breath and imagined Tamara must be doing the same. After several seconds Brian leaned down and gently kissed Tamara’s cheek, lingering there for a moment before pulling away. Tamara smiled again.

  Brian stepped back, opened the car door, and looked at Tamara one last time before ducking inside. Holly waited until the car pulled away before taking Sarah to her crib.

  Holly readied herself for bed. As much as she wanted to stay up until Tamara came upstairs and then cross the hall to have one of their Saturday-night chats, she knew she had a big day ahead of her tomorrow. She needed to rest, and she needed to pray.

  She took her Bible from the nightstand and turned to a familiar place where she always kept a bookmark Faith had given her along with the Bible several months ago. She needed the words tonight that she had drawn strength from many times. She had even memorized the verses in Psalm 145, but reading them on the page brought an extra dose of comfort and peace:

  The LORD is close to all who call on him,

  yes to all who call on him sincerely.

  He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;

  he hears their cries for help and rescues them.

  She read the verses several times, then closed her Bible and prayed. God, I know you are with me. Help me to feel your presence. I need your help. I need you to give me strength to face my mom tomorrow. I don’t know why she’s coming, or what she will say to me, but you do. Prepare me for her visit and her words, and help me to keep trusting you no matter what.

  God I also want to pray for Tamara. She is so special, Father, and I want her to be happy. Keep her relationship with Brian innocent and pure. Watching them out there tonight tells me they have the beginning of something wonderful for the remaining months of their senior year and possibly for much longer. Don’t let them spoil that by going too far physically. I know how good it feels to be held by someone, but I also know how quickly that can turn into something heartbreaking. Heartbreak that hurts more than they can possibly imagine.

  Holly let her mind wander, thinking about her own desires. She hadn’t brought herself to ask God for this yet, but she decided it was time. She needed to do something about the yearning inside her heart.

  I envy Tamara’s innocence, Jesus. I know I can never be pure in the way she is pure, but I know that your forgiveness is complete. Help me to feel worthy of being loved by someone. Someone that will look at me the way Brian looks at Tamara. Someone that can accept my past and leave it in the past. Someone that can be a wonderful father for Sarah, the father I never had. I know I’m not ready for a relationship like that yet, but when I am, take away my fear and doubt, and help me to let myself be loved.

  ***

  Throughout the church service the following morning Holly tried to relax and focus on the things taking place up front. The worship time brought her the most peace, and she sang the words from the bottom of her heart. God spoke to her during the prayer time that followed.

  Do not be anxious or afraid, I am with you.

  But during the pastor’s message her thoughts kept wandering to how her mom would treat her. Their final moments together five months ago had been awful. Her mother had called her several degrading names and then left her to have the baby on her own. Fortunately Faith had been there along with her nurse, Josie. She didn’t think she would have ever made it through the night without them.

  Had her phone message softened her mother’s heart, or hardened it further? She shuddered to think about her mother treating her any worse than she had the night Sarah had been born.

  I am with you.

  Aunt Dana reached across the small space between them and took her hand. Holly clung to the lifeline and felt calmness overtake her. No matter what happened today, she still had her aunt and uncle, and she still had God.

  Her mother had said she would be there by one. They had only been home a few minutes when Jana Stevens arrived. There were no hugs exchanged. Not between the two sisters. Not between mother and daughter. Holly hadn’t expected one.

  Aunt Dana offered her sister some coffee. Jana declined. Holly didn’t know what her mother had planned, but she supposed her mother wanted to speak with her alone. Her mother barely glanced at her granddaughter. Holly said she needed to feed Sarah and went upstairs, welcoming the momentary escape.

  She prayed while Sarah nursed. The picture on the wall of the girl holding the basket of wild roses drew her in as usual. She didn’t know why the print touched her like it did, but she found herself staring at the young girl’s face and hands often. She had a very delicate look about her. An air of contentment and peace seemed to hold her in place. The girl’s skin, eyes, and hair were neutral tones, almost blending into the subdued landscape surrounding her.

  But the roses were vibrant, overflowing from the basket to the point that one or two looked like they might fall to the ground. Was it the girl that made the flowers beautiful or the other way around? She wasn’t sure. Perhaps they kept each other company. Holly wondered if the girl had gathered the flowers herself or if someone had given them to her. Holly liked to think both were possible. Surely the girl was capable of bringing joy to herself by gathering something she loved. But something about the girl’s expression said someone else had given her the flowers--someone she loved very much.

  Holly asked God to fill her with a sense of contentment like the girl in the picture seemed to have. Feeling God’s peace wash over her gave her the strength to return to the tension-filled room downstairs. Her mother suggested going to get some lunch. Holly didn’t know if she should take Sarah along or not. Her aunt made the choice for her.

  “Why don’t you leave Sarah with us? She’s probably ready for a nap, and that will give you more time to catch up.”

  Holly thanked Aunt Dana and left with her mom. They drove into town and went to Shari’s. Neither of them spoke until they had been seated at a booth in the corner of the family restaurant.

  “You look well, Holly. Almost back to your slim self. Don’t worry, those extra pounds go away eventually.”

  Holly swallowed hard. She only weighed ten pounds more than she had before her pregnancy.

  A waiter came to take their order, and her mom ordered a salad and the soup-of-the-day. Holly had planned to order a hamburger but opted for the a deli sandwich instead. She wasn’t very hungry.

  “I like your hair,” Holly said in return, ignoring the overweight comment. “What shade is that?”

  “Champagne blonde.” Her mother’s natural color was the same light brown as hers, but she colored it on a regular basis. She had it cut even with her chin. “I’m surprised yours is still long. I had to chop mine off when you and Paul were babies. I couldn’t stand to have you yanking on it all the time.”

  “I keep it tied back mostly. I wore it down for church today.” She wanted to add, “and for you,” but she didn’t.

  “I don’t think it matters how you wear your hair to church, Holly. Either way they all know what you really are. Don’t think you can fool them.”

  Holly wanted to bolt, but she took a deep breath and a sip of her water instead.

  “Why are you here, Mom?” she asked softly.

  “You said you wanted to know how I became such a horrible mother, so I’m here to tell you.”

  “Mama. I never said that.”

  “But that’s what you think, and if you’re going to think it, you might as well know why.”

  Holly felt like a scolded child, like all the times her mother had slapped her across the face, only this time she didn’t have her bedroom to run to. She sat there and waited for her mother to go on. Her mother’s words had already slammed the door on any hope for reconciliation today. Nothing else mattered.

  “I used to be sweet, you know. I was the sweet one, Dana was the bossy one. A real --.”

  “Mama, keep your voice down.”

  “What’s the matter? You think I’ll embarrass you? I think you’ve already done a pretty good job of that yourself.”

  Holly couldn’t take any more. She grabbed her purse, tossed some money on the table, and slid off the seat. Her mother grabbed her arm, but Holly ripped away from her grasp and headed for the door.

  She didn’t bother walking to the car. Deb’s house wasn’t far from where they were, and she planned to go there to escape her mother’s presence if need be, and then call for Aunt Dana to come pick her up. Tears streamed down her face as the wind tossed her hair across her face. Her mother caught up with her less than a block away from the restaurant.

  “I didn’t come all this way to have you walk out on me. You wanted to know, so here I am. I don’t care if you don’t feel like it, you are going to hear this.”

  Holly kept walking. Her mother grabbed her arm again. It reminded Holly of the time Ian had done the same outside the abortion clinic. She stopped and faced her mother.