When she recovered, she sat back up and pulled me closer, kissing me hard. She reached for me, unbuttoned and unzipped my pants without removing her lips from mine. I tried to stop her, to slow her down. She wanted no part of going slow. She pushed my pants and underwear down my thighs, scratching me in the process. I had a condom in my pocket, but my mind went blank when her bare hands wrapped around me.

  She pushed me into her, and when I nestled deep inside, she sighed and leaned back down on the car.

  She watched me—studied me. I was under scrutiny but didn’t know what she was looking for.

  Her face showed blank, but she moved her hips for a better angle.

  She rocked back and forth and unable to hold her gaze, my head dropped and my forehead rested between her tits and stayed concentrating on the feel of her moving under me.

  I lifted my head when she began to slam into me, her tempo fast and sharp. Her expression hovered somewhere between blank lust and anger, but deep in her core, I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

  My head ached, and I noticed the tension in my body. I braced myself while she fucked me.

  Carrington moved underneath me, in total control. I remained relaxed and let her take out her frustrations on me. I reached out to caress her tits remembering how nice they fit in my hands, but as soon as I touched them, she put her hand over mine and squeezed hard. She communicated how she wanted it. I pulled my hand away and placed them on her hips, trying to coax her into slowing down, but it was no use fighting her. She wanted relief. She needed it.

  This was not how I imagined our first time. This was raw, hard, and dirty. Don’t get me wrong—it was hot as hell, but unexpected.

  Carrington gasped as she gripped my dick. I grunted, pushed into her, and watched her ride another orgasm. Her body shook and convulsed. Her eyes remained closed. She was in her own world. When she came back down, she relaxed. I remained hard inside of her. She licked her lips and stopped moving. She got what she wanted and laid there watching me. Daring me.

  Her indifference pissed me off. When I pulled out of her, she started to protest, but I reached out and pulled her up, covered her lips with mine. She relaxed into the kiss and wrapped her hands around me and tried to pull me into her.

  I yanked her off the car, turned her around and bent her over the trunk. I pushed into her completely, and she gasped. I paused for a second. The taillights illuminated the tattoo on her hip. I had forgotten about it since the first time I saw it. It read Do as I wish, be who I am!

  She tried to stand up, but I pushed her back down and kept my hands between her shoulder blades. I fucked her hard and fast, like she fucked me. I wanted her to feel every inch of me. She whimpered every time I slammed into her. She stopped struggling and laid flat with her cheek against the trunk. I slowed down, and she started to move her hips. I was so close. I knew my orgasm would be epic, but I held out. I wanted to make her cum again.

  I didn’t have to wait long, she moaned and shook as her body tried to push me away, but I held on. I pushed in one last time. “Oh fuck.”

  I groaned and collapsed on her back. My weight pinned her to the car. Our breathing synced. It felt too intimate for the occasion, so I pushed off of her.

  I placed a hand on her lower back to steady myself. My legs were weak, and I needed a minute to catch my breath.

  A chuckle escaped from my lips as I bent over to pull up my pants. Carrington found her footing and pushed herself up, smoothing her skirt back down. She bent down to pick up her underwear off the gravel. I anxiously watched her, scared to see what she would say or do next. My eyes were glued to the ground when she stood up.

  A soft sound emitted from her throat, and she covered her mouth. Her shoulders shook.

  I looked up, moved her hair out of her face and let out a sign of relief when a smile played with the corners of her mouth. I leaned in and kissed her so soft and sweet. She sighed and kissed me back.

  I walked her to her side of the car, opened the door, and she sat down. I checked out her legs and smiled as she pulled her skirt down.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Carrington Olivia Butler

  We remained silent the rest of the ride home. When we arrived back on campus, Josh pulled up in front of my dorm and turned off the car. He got out of the car, opened my door, and helped me out. Heat rushed through me when our fingers touched. I remembered what his fingers did to me a few moments earlier, and I broke out in a sweat. He walked me to the stairs, kissed me, and whispered, “Good night.”

  He turned and headed back to his car. I went upstairs and climbed into bed. We never discussed our sex session on the side of the highway, but it changed our relationship.

  I wanted to talk about it. Dissect it. It was rough and dirty, but it made me feel closer to him. He spelled it out in the way he touched me, the way he reacted to my indifference, and the way we both allowed each other the comfort of being in control—a trait we both lacked in our regular life. We co-existed in a kind of give-and-take relationship with an unspoken understanding. It gave both of us the power.

  We spent most days and nights together. We had sex a lot, but it never returned to the intensity of our first time. A strange beginning to our sexual relationship, but we didn’t need to return there to feel connected. Although, I often wondered whether, if I did something or said something to challenge him, it would escalate to the same level. The sex was amazing, but it scared me. I didn’t know I had it in me.

  A couple of weeks after our side-street sex session, we were walking back to the frat house. We came upon a couple having an all-out scream fest on the side of the road.

  We both slowed our pace to hear how the argument would end. The guy got in the car and drove away. The girl stood there for a minute but eventually headed back to the house, stopping when she saw us. She attempted a smile, but then lowered her head and continued.

  I grabbed his hand.

  “I wonder if he’s going to come back for her,” I asked.

  He let out a sigh, smiled, kissed my hand, and we continued on to the frat house.

  We entered the house and headed straight to Josh’s room. Josh opened the door for me, and I entered, but before I crossed the room, he grabbed me from behind, turned me around and pressed me up against the wall. I reminded myself to breathe. For a minute, I flashed back to the side of the road, and I shivered, but not in a good way.

  He pressed into me as he moved my hair away from my neck, but the gentle way he kissed me allowed me to relax. I pushed back into him, and he groaned. He placed his hands on my hips and pushed me further into the wall, but he pushed himself into me and his har- on poked me in my ass. I attempted to turn around, but he pressed his chest up against my back and trapped me against the wall. I stopped struggling; it was only turning us both on. He kissed me on the shoulders and my neck.

  “Don’t move,” he said with a growl. His tone sent a chill down my spine.

  He reached around and unbuttoned my jeans and yanked them down. He massaged my butt, and it made me cry out when his fingers dug into my skin.

  “Take off your shirt.” He gave orders, and I followed them—another power play. I didn’t even question him, and I wasn’t scared of him. I did what he said. I trusted him.

  I pulled my shirt over my head and dropped it at my feet. He removed his clothes, all with one hand, arm, or leg holding me in place against the wall.

  I placed my hands back on the wall, braced myself and waited.

  I heard him tear open a condom wrapper, and I experienced a moment of clarity, a pause in the universe, which allowed me time to ask myself if this was what I really wanted. Before I could answer, he placed a hand over mine and with his other hand guided himself in me. It took forever for him to enter me, and his self-control made me crazy. Finally inside me, he remained with my body pressed against the wall. I tried to flex my muscle from the inside.

  He slammed the wall next to my ear. “I said don’t move.”

  I gasped. I stood there with my ear up against the wall, with him inside me. Voices grew louder on the other side of the wall and faded away. If I screamed or called for help, any one of them would hear me and at least ask if I was okay.

  I remained silent even as a moan threatened to escape as he began to move inside of me.

  He moved in and out and he sped up, as I remained silent.

  “Josh,” I whispered under my breath. He moved faster, and I continued to say his name, but not loud enough for him to hear me.

  He slammed into me one last time, grunted and came. He stayed inside of me, his breath heaving in my ear. He kissed my neck again and before pulling out, he kissed my ear and said, “I love you.”

  He never waited for me to say it back—he collapsed on his bed, clutched the sheets, and drifted into a deep sleep.

  I turned and watched him, curious how he went from what we experienced to a comatose sleep in ten seconds flat.

  I got dressed and slipped out of his room.

  I headed down the stairs and saw Jackson walking through the entryway into the kitchen. It seemed like the only time I ran into him was when I was sneaking away from Josh.

  I tried to slip out the front door.

  “Carrington. Where’re you sneaking off to?”

  “I’m not sneaking,” I said with a little more defiance than I intended.

  “Okay,” he smirked and continued into the kitchen. “You want a drink?”

  “Uh, okay.”

  I walked into the kitchen and sat on a stool at the counter. A few of the brothers were at the kitchen table, eating. Jackson lifted the lid off a pot, but shut it quickly and moved to the refrigerator.

  “You want a beer, water?”

  “Water is fine.”

  “You gave up drinking?” he asked and winked.

  “Yeah, well, it tends to get me in trouble.” I laughed and took the water. He sat next to me, opened the bottle, and took a sip.

  Neither of us spoke for a minute.

  “So,” I said.

  “So.”

  “You ready for Miami?” He seemed surprised by my questions. “What?” I asked.

  “You’re up on FSU football?” he asked.

  “Well, you can hardly get away from it. This place is obsessed with football.”

  “You’re from Texas. You’re supposed to be just as obsessed. Besides, didn’t you date a football player in high school? ”

  “How did you know that?”

  “I stalked you on Facebook,” he winked. I licked my lips and cleared my throat.

  “Yeah, but I didn’t really pay much attention to football until now.”

  “Don’t worry. I won’t tell.”

  “It’s kind of a violent game.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But exciting. Like controlled chaos.” I emphasized with my hands.

  “Yeah, exactly. It’s chaos. No strategy or skill required at all,” Jackson deadpanned.

  “You’re making fun of me.”

  “No, you’re absolutely right. Football is a billion-dollar business built on chaos.”

  I laughed and bit my lip as he laughed at my ignorance. He bumped my arm and I stopped laughing. His touch kind of threw me. The point of contact grew warm and spread throughout my body. I exhaled and pushed off the stool.

  “I need to go.”

  “You want me to walk you back to the dorm?”

  “No. I’m good.” I had to escape before it registered how much I enjoyed those warm fuzzy feelings.

  “Okay.”

  I headed out the door, walked back to my dorm and collapsed in bed, too tired to think. I welcomed the feeling of being cold and alone. It was what I was used to.

  The next morning, Josh and I met in the student union for breakfast and pretended that last night never happened. I pushed the warm fuzzy thought I had about Jackson out of my head.

  Josh and I continued to spend all our free time together, so much so that my roommates started to think I had moved out.

  We never did much outside of his room or the fraternity house. I asked Josh to go to the games with me, but he refused. He preferred to watch the games in the theater at the frat house.

  Not me. I loved going to Doak Campbell Stadium. I loved the crowd and the cheering, singing the fight song after touchdowns and doing the war chant.

  When I did go to the game, I usually turned down the opportunity to party with my friends after and would hook up with Josh. He hated parties.

  After the biggest win of the season against the LSU Tigers, I allowed Melinda and Jessica to drag me to a bar after the game. I sent Josh a message and put my phone away. I didn’t want to hear him tell me to come home because I knew I would. Tonight, I wanted to hang out with my friends.

  The bar was within walking distance from campus. As soon as we walked in, the atmosphere made me smile; everyone was in a good mood because of the win. One of the back rooms in the bar had a karaoke machine. Melinda wanted to get in touch with her inner pop star but needed us as back up. She selected a Vivian Green song called “Emotional Rollercoaster”, and we waited an hour until it was our time to sing. They downed beers for liquid courage, and I watched and shook my head. This was a bad idea. When the host called her name, she pulled us up there, but freaked out before the first word dropped. I had no idea what got into me. I opened my mouth, and the song came out, on pitch, too.

  Emotional rollercoaster, loving you ain’t nothing healthy. Loving you was never good for me, but I can’t get off.

  I felt the song and belted it out like I’d written it. When I stopped, I looked around and noticed that the crowd had grown quiet. Before I ran off in a panic, the crowd erupted in applause. I smiled and gave them a little curtsey before walking off the stage. Melinda and Jessica waited for me.

  “Oh my God. Did you just do that?” Melinda asked.

  “You were amazing,” Jessica gushed while she suffocated me with a hug. As I pushed her away, trying to breathe, I locked eyes with Josh. He leaned up against a column near the back of the bar with his arms crossed over his chest. I couldn’t place the expression on his face. It was somewhere between pride and disgust, if that was possible. A sea of bodies twenty deep stood between us. As I pushed my way over to him, I lost sight of him, and he disappeared. Jessica followed me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Josh was here, but I can’t find him.”

  “Why would he run off?”

  “I don’t know. I’m going to go find him.” I headed toward the door, but Jessica had a hold of my shirt.

  “No, you should sing another song.”

  I smiled and kissed her on the cheek.

  “I’ll see you later.”

  “Carrington …” She said my name a couple more times, but I reached the exit and headed out into the nippy air. I crossed the street and was back on campus, but the dark buildings gave me a creepy feeling. I could see the center of campus, but it was still a five-minute walk away. As I took a few more steps, I felt hands wrapping around my waist. I tried to scream, but a hand covered my mouth and pulled me toward one of the buildings. I was too shocked to fight back, but the person’s scent was familiar, and I calmed instantly. I pulled his hand away from my mouth.

  “Josh.” I shoved him, and he let go enough to loosen his grip. He started to laugh.

  “I knew you would come looking for me.”

  “You scared the shit out of me,” I pouted and crossed my arms. My eyes darted around, but no one was around and the way Josh looked at me made my body throb.

  He placed his hands on my neck and pulled me to him. He kissed me hard, and I gave in to the kiss. As one arm snaked around my waist, he pushed me back into the shadows of the closest building. He fumbled for the door and a giggle tickled my lip as the door flew open. Our lips remained fused together, our tongues dancing around. He pushed me into the nearest classroom, and when the back of my legs hit the desk, I jumped up on it as I reached down to unbutton Josh’s jeans. He scrambled for my panties and pulled them off as I grabbed him. He slid into me, and I moaned as his lips left mine.

  “Baby, you were so hot up there, singing,” he said as he fucked me. I blinked, and my mind went back to the stage. The feeling of being up there… the whole world faded away as I sang that song. I wondered if he heard the words. Did he realize how they related to us in so many ways? I held on as he continued to pound into me, and I tried to concentrate, push the negative thoughts out of my mind, but I couldn’t. That quick, I lost it. I lifted my head and found Josh with his eyes closed, his face scrunched up. He kept up the pace until he released with a grunt. He shivered and held me tight. I tried to quiet my mind, but I couldn’t. I tried to relax and stay in the present, but I felt nothing. I pushed him away, bent down to grab my underwear and headed out the door. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m going back to my room.” I yanked my arm away but didn’t move.

  “What’s wrong? Why are you so pissed? That was fucking hot,” he said. I wanted to smack the lusty smirk off his face.

  “I’m glad you enjoyed it,” I said.

  “Did I miss something here?”

  “No, forget it. I’m going home.” I headed for the door, and Josh followed two steps behind.

  We walked back to Broward Hall in silence. I grew more pissed the closer we got. I stopped for a second before heading up the stairs, but Josh stayed quiet.

  “What was that back there?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I saw you after I came off the stage. You had this look of disgust on your face, and then you walked away.”

  “You texted me that you were hanging out with your roommates. That’s fine.”

  “Oh, thanks for your permission.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said and smiled. I headed up the stairs. “Carrington?”

  I turned to face him.

  “Then why show up at all? And, and, you left and you knew I would come after you.”