“I don’t know. He seems so insecure about our relationship. Like every time I am with him, I have to make up for the moments we aren’t together, where he doubts how I feel about him. It’s exhausting.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Like, when I told him I was going home for winter break. He freaked out.”

  “I know this is kind of fucked-up, but he feels like, if given some time to think about it, you’ll realize he’s not good enough for you.”

  “That’s ridiculous. Hasn’t he ever heard absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

  “Yeah, if you love something, let it go.”

  “Yeah.” I laughed.

  “I don’t think the Griffins deal in stupid love clichés.”

  “Oh, please don’t get me started on the Griffins.”

  “What’s wrong, you don’t love and adore Mr. Joshua Elijah Griffin, III?” Jackson used his best aristocratic accent. “He didn’t sugar and darling and little lady you to death?”

  “Yeah, but I got the feeling he wasn’t expecting his son to show up with a black girl from Texas. Especially not to the social engagement of the century.”

  “I can’t believe he took you to that thing.”

  “Well, we didn’t stay long.”

  “What happened?” Jackson asked.

  I sighed and sunk in my chair, finding it easy to share things with Jackson, but I didn’t want to spend what little time I had remaining with him talking about the Griffin’s family drama.

  “Let’s just say, I don’t think I’ll have to worry about getting invited to any more Griffin family gatherings.”

  “They are a lot to take, especially all at once. But they are so cliché, you know. Bunch of rich white kids with no mother and daddy issues. I get on him all the time about it. The kid has more money than he could ever spend. He doesn’t have to let his father dictate his life.”

  “He feels he owes him.”

  “That’s what’s so sad. I talk to my dad about it, and he’s like, don’t ever think you have to do something because of me or for me. I owe everything to you.”

  I smiled and touched Jackson’s arm. It touched my heart the way he spoke about his father.

  “My parents and I aren’t close, but being away from them, I kind of understand them better.”

  “How?”

  “Well, I always felt like they couldn’t care less whether they had me or not. I always felt like an addition after the fact.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Now, I look back and think how they had to adjust their whole future because I came along, and they didn’t blame me for it so much as they had to figure it out.”

  “That’s mature of you.”

  “I know, right?” I smiled.

  “You should talk to them about it.”

  “You think?”

  “Yeah. Approach it like an adult. They might appreciate you more now that they know you can take care of yourself.”

  I nodded.

  We spent a couple more hours talking and studying. With Jackson, it was easy. No measuring my word choices or having to worry about triggering someone’s insecurity.

  I wanted to tell him, but I stopped myself. I put those thoughts out of my head. Jackson was right. I’d made my choice.

  Choice—there is that word again.

  Besides, if we hooked up, dating the star quarterback for the FSU Seminoles had its own set of drama.

  Jackson walked me to my dorm. I understood the whole guy code thing, but tonight, for one night, I so wanted to pretend it didn’t exist. Jackson’s goodness, his sincerity, his loyalty to his friend, all the things I liked about him and the reason he would never betray his best friend to be with me. I would have to settle for daydreaming about Jackson Latre Mitchell.

  No harm in that, right?

  “Thanks for tonight. It helped.”

  “Good. I’m glad I could help, and if I don’t see you before you go home, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.”

  I giggled and reached out to squeeze Jackson’s arms.

  “And, even though we are,” he cleared his throat, “not allowed to hook up, I still consider you a friend. You need anything, Carrington, please call me.”

  “I will. You do the same, okay?”

  “I will.”

  I gave him a quick hug and went into my dorm. It took half the night for me to forget about how great he smelled.

  ***

  Joshua Elijah Griffin, IV

  During the three weeks between Thanksgiving and winter break, I decided to make sure Carrington remembered why she loved me. I tried spending all my free time with her. Well, as much time as she would allow. When I got close to getting on her nerves, I would back off.

  When she got home, I wanted her to miss me.

  My plan worked out great until the day she was supposed to leave. I showed up late, and she rode to the airport pissed, accusing me of trying to make her miss her flight.

  I got her to the airport on time, but her anger level had already reached a fever pitch. When the car stopped, she fumbled with the door and pushed it open with a sigh. I grabbed her arm, and she settled back in her seat.

  “I know you have to go, but I wanted to give you this first.”

  “Josh, I thought we were going to wait until we got back. I haven’t bought you anything yet.”

  “I know. That’s fine. I want you to have this now.”

  She took the gift and flipped the small blue box with a red ribbon. Her hands shook as she turned the box over in her hands.

  “Relax, it’s not my mother’s pearls or anything.”

  She smiled as she pulled the ribbon and lifted the top off the box. Inside sat a smaller leather box. She opened it and gasped.

  A small diamond-encrusted gold spear on the end of a chain sat in the middle of the box. The diamonds caught the light. She touched the diamond surface and pulled the pendant out of the box. She let it dangle down off her fingers.

  “Josh, it’s beautiful.”

  “You like it.”

  “Yes.”

  I took the chain and unhooked it and latched it around her neck. It fell in the middle of her chest. I touched it with my fingertips, grazing her breast with my thumb. She leaned in and kissed me. It was the most perfect kiss. I kissed her back with a little more force, and she didn’t pull away. She let me kiss her, and I opened her mouth with my tongue and tasted her. I concentrated on making it a kiss to remember.

  I leaned into her, but she pulled back. I tried to follow, but with her hand on my chest, she pushed me away.

  “What is wrong now?” I asked. She tensed from my tone.

  “Nothing is wrong. I . . .” She struggled to find the right words, and I panicked.

  “Listen. Have a good time at home, and I’ll talk to you when you get back.”

  “Okay.”

  “And I won’t bother you while you’re gone.”

  “You can call me.”

  “You need some time. This’ll be good. You take your time, and we’ll talk when you get back. It’ll be fine.”

  “Josh, what are you doing?”

  “I’m trying to give you what you want. Trying to be what you want me to be.”

  “I don’t want you to be anything. I want you to be yourself.”

  “This is me.” I opened my hands to show her. I wasn’t trying to pull one over on her. She made everything so complicated.

  “Well, I’m going to go.”

  “Okay.” I jumped out of the car and got her bag out of the trunk. I placed it on the sidewalk and raised the handle.

  I felt like a kid seeking approval; any indication I behaved in the manner she wanted me to behave. I know, I sounded pathetic, but I vowed back at the condo that I would do what I needed to do to make this girl love me.

  She took the handle and headed into the terminal. I needed to say something. Do one last thing to assure her that when she returned it would be better.

  “Carrington?” She looked back over her shoulder. “Just remember, I love you. Okay?”

  She approached me, placed her hand on the side of my face and the warmth flowed through her fingertips. Tears sprang up in her eyes, but her eyes focused on my lips.

  I started explaining, but she placed her thumb on my lips, so I stayed quiet. Our faces were only inches apart, and I studied her, smelled her sweet scent. We never stared at each other except when we lay next to each other in bed, and both lust and dread entered my mind.

  Carrington had all the power to crush me or make me the happiest man in the world. Sweat broke out on my forehead, and my insides tightened. It scared me to give someone that kind of power over my mental psyche. I felt sick and had a hard on at the same time. I wanted to tell her to be careful with me. I think she understood her power, but I wanted to warn her to be gentle anyway.

  She turned my face and kissed me on the cheek. She released my face, and I admit it was not what I expected. The gesture held no answer, no commitment. It left me feeling confused, empty, and unsatisfied. I wanted to scream at her for making me feel this way. She blinked her eyes, and I knew I needed to let her go. I trusted our connection. She would get on the plane and at some point, when she least expected it, she would reach up and feel the spear necklace around her neck and realize how much she loved me, too.

  Chapter Twenty

  Joshua Elijah Griffin, IV

  It took forty-eight hours without Carrington for me to self-destruct. I woke up in a strange bed, in a strange place, with a strange girl. Not strange as in someone I didn’t know. Well, I didn’t know her, but I meant strange, as in odd.

  When I woke up, I thought Carrington was lying next to me in my bed. I reached out and touched her soft skin and sighed, but when she sighed, she sounded nothing like my girl. I sat up quick and lost my balance; I fell off the bed knowing I’d done something bad.

  I fell hard on my hipbone and screamed out in pain. She turned over and reached out for me. I leaned back as I squinted and squeezed my eyes open and shut. I had hoped to identify this person before she woke up.

  Her brown hair contained pink and purple streaks. I reached out to touch it, and it slid out of my hands. I pushed her hair out of her eyes, and she had covered her eyelids in glittery crap.

  I pulled my hand away and looked down at my bare torso, covered in the same glitter shit.

  Where the fuck are my clothes?

  I pulled the blanket off the bed and covered my naked ass.

  When my eyes cooperated better, and I could focus on more than one object at a time, I stared at her bare tits and realized she was naked too.

  What did I do?

  I jumped up and stumbled in the direction of the bathroom. I threw up in the sink. The vomit contained only liquid, no food. The idea of food made me sick, and I threw up in the toilet this time.

  I fell to the tile floor in the bathroom.

  I slowed my breathing and attempted to stand up. My brain wasn’t having it, and I concentrated on the connection of my cheek on the cold hard floor. The next thing I remembered was the high pitch voice of a girl calling me.

  “Mr. Sexy pants,” she said in a sing-song voice, “Where did you go?”

  I raised my head, and my brain settled back in my skull. I lifted my body off the floor and crawled back into the bedroom.

  “Oh, there you are.”

  I strained to locate her without hurting myself. Not an easy task. She moved around, and I followed, but lay back down before I got motion sickness.

  “I’m so sorry you got sick. You said you tried meth before. I figured you could hang.”

  “Shhh.”

  “Oh, sorry,” she said in a quieter tone.

  “Where am I?” I asked.

  “At my place.”

  “Where is your place?”

  “Tallahassee, Florida.”

  “Ugh.”

  “I know. I can be difficult. Where do you want to be?”

  Fueled by my growing anger, and the need to ignore the pain, I sat up.

  “Let’s start from the beginning.”

  “Well, Cade and I came to pick you up yesterday. We hit a few parties.” She lay down next to me and placed her hand on my chest. I moved it off my chest and stared at her. “We went to one party and you knew a couple people, but you pretended not to because you were so loaded.”

  “We went to my frat house?”

  “No, I don’t think so. I’m not the frat house party kind of girl. No, come to think of it, we met him in the street.”

  “Wait, I’m confused.”

  “You got in a fight.”

  “A fight?”

  “Yeah, that’s where that came from.” She pointed.

  I touched my eye and winced from the tender bruise.

  “What did the other guy look like?” I said and laughed, but stopped. It made me nauseous.

  “Oh, some other guys stopped the fight before the other guy could hit you.”

  “What were we fighting about?”

  “I’m not sure. I think it had something to do with a car.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, you kept saying she’s my car, and you can’t have her.”

  “Oh, shit. Carrington.”

  “Oh, yeah, maybe that’s it. You know someone named Carrington.”

  “She’s my girlfriend.” I buried my head in my hands.

  “You have a girlfriend?” she asked.

  Touching, she seemed disappointed.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, don’t worry. You didn’t cheat on her. Well, not with me anyway.”

  My head snapped up. “What?”

  “Yeah, we didn’t do anything. I mean you were too far gone by the time we got home.”

  “Why are we naked?”

  “You took your own clothes off, and I always sleep in the nude.”

  I could never tell Carrington what happened, but I smiled at myself. I remained faithful.

  That’s something, right?

  Candy filled me in on the rest of the night. My new friend happened to know my friend Cade who’d called me yesterday to tell me he wanted to party. As soon as she said Cade’s name, I guessed the beginning and middle because I knew the end. Cade and I had met while I was attending Florida, and we had played this scenario out several times over the course of my freshman year.

  Ironic how, whenever an evening started with Cade, more times than not it ended with me in bed with a naked crazy chick covered in glitter.

  She explained our progression through the night. It included what I took, and it didn’t surprise me. Addicts were creatures of habit, and my drug use regimen remained consistent. Made it easier to figure out how to recover from it or manage it the next time.

  I decided not to dwell on the whole four months of sobriety down the drain. I survived with only a bruised eye socket and possibly a new enemy, but I would figure it out later.

  ***

  Carrington Olivia Butler

  It took me forty-eight hours of being home to miss being at school. I missed Josh, too. He’d acted so strange when I left, but he said all the right things and I wanted to believe him.

  I spent time with my family and talked to my parents. They enjoyed hearing my FSU stories. They enjoyed the amusing Griffin stories –I left out the weird stuff — and seemed relieved to hear I’d adjusted so well.

  “You know, we were worried about you,” Mom said.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. You didn’t seem like the adventurous type before, but look at you know. Living your own life.”

  “Well, yeah, but I still need my parents.”

  “Of course you do.” My mom stared with her face scrunched up. She didn’t understand.

  “I don’t know. Before, I kind of felt like you guys didn’t really want me around.”

  “Why would you think that?”

  “How about you being practically giddy to get rid of me when you dropped me off on campus?”

  “Carrington, I was just excited for you to start college and happy you decided to make your own way.”

  “Really?”

  “Carrington, you’re right, I thought I was done with kids when you came along, but there was never a doubt that we wanted you.”

  She sat down at the table and pulled me down next to her. “Is that why you’ve been so distant over the last two years?”

  “I guess.”

  “Sweetie.”

  “I just tried not to cause any waves. I wanted to hurry up and get out of your hair.”

  “Carrington Olivia Butler,” Mom said. I saw the hurt in her eyes. I rubbed my hands together.

  She stood up, walked over, and grabbed my hands. She pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back. We held each, crying, when Dad walked into the kitchen.

  “Is everything okay?” He stopped.

  “Just clearing up a few things.”

  “Yeah, a silly misunderstanding.”

  Mom and I laughed and wiped the tears from our eyes.

  After being home for a couple of days, I got the chance to hang out with my friends from high school. My best friend Laia invited everyone over at her house. I was looking forward to hanging out in her game room like we did in high school, but it felt so different now. Not comforting and familiar like I thought it would feel.

  “So, Carrington, tell us about your guy,” Laia said. “I heard he’s like some famous Florida guy.”

  “He’s not famous. His family is well known in that part of Florida.”

  “Is this him?” another friend asked. She pulled up a photo of Josh and his family on her phone.

  “His brother-in-law is Brian Burkett?” Julia asked.

  “Did you meet him?”

  “Yeah, he’s a dick,” I said. “Isn’t Josh cute?” I showed them a photo of us on my phone.

  “He is cute,” Laia said. She grabbed my phone and flipped through more photos. She stopped on a photo of Jackson. “Okay, I’m transferring tomorrow.”

  “Wow. Who is he? He’s gorgeous,” Julia said.

  “That’s Jackson. He’s just a friend.”

  “I didn’t know the guys in Florida looked like that,” Julia said as she fanned herself.

  “So, Laia, how many new guys in your life?” I asked, anxious to get the subject off my life and back on someone else.