“What happen?” Jackson asked as he looked over my head. I turned back as the nurse checked his machine and patted Jack on his leg.

  I walked over to a row of chairs against the wall outside of Jack’s room. I sat down and placed my head in my hands.

  Jackson sat next to me, his hand on my back, rubbing it in small circles.

  “Tell me I’m more freaked out then I need to be?” I turned to face him. “I mean, you’ve dealt with this before. But, he looked so small, so helpless.”

  “This one was bad and it never gets easy to see him struggle like that, but Dr. Marshall is the best and has been treating Jack since we moved to Arizona.”

  “What caused it.”

  “Most likely stress or anxiety.” I turned in the chair to take Jackson’s hand.

  “This has to do with Josh. I don’t know how I know it, but I can feel it.”

  “You think someone told him. Who?”

  “I don’t know. But, you should have seen the way he looked at me. Like he couldn’t believe I would keep something so important from him.”

  “Baby, come on. I think your reading way too much into this. Let’s just wait until he wakes up and see what he says.”

  “No and have him get sick all over again. He’s not ready.”

  “Carrington, you have to tell him the whole truth. He has to hear it from us or he’s going to think he did something wrong.”

  “Jackson, I can’t. Not now.” He tried to grab my arm, but I pushed his hand away and went back into Jack’s hospital room.

  I walked over to him and held his hand. His chest rose and fell with long deep breaths and except for the tube down his throat, he looked fine. Jackson walked up behind me held me to him.

  The doctor came back an hour later and removed the breathing tub. He gave Jack some more medicine through his IV and his eyes fluttered open a few minute later. He could only keep them open for a minute, but when he saw Jackson and I standing over him, he smiled at us and drifted back to sleep.

  The next time he woke up, he had a coughing fit that shook his whole body, but he got it under control and breathed fine on his own.

  “You’re ok.” I sat on the bed behind him and rubbed his back as he coughed up what liquid in his lungs. He spit into a little plastic tub.

  “They put a tube in me.” He spoke as he rubbed his throat.

  “Yes, I’m sorry about that. They had to.” I pointed to a bottle of water on the night stand and motioned for Jackson to bring it to me.

  Jack took small sips and his coughing reduced. He leaned back against me and took deep determined breaths.

  “You okay, little man.”

  Jack nodded.

  “You scared Jackson. He’d never seen you like that before.”

  “It looks worse then it is,” Jack said and reached for more water.

  Jackson laughed, but his heart wasn’t in it. He wore a worried expression and he had me freaked out.

  “I admit. I freaked out, but I’ll be ok,” Jackson said. “How about you? You okay?”

  Jack nodded. “Do I get to skip school for the rest of the week?”

  “Uhm, probably.”

  “What about the game?” Jack asked Jackson.

  “Let’s just see how you feel, ok,” I said.

  Jack sighed and relaxed against me.

  By the time they nurses were ready to move Jack to a private room, he had figured out what all the buttons and light meant on the wall behind him. He tested the electric bed to see how far it would move and he flipped through all the channels on the small television.

  We got him settled in his room and Julia sat with him, while Jackson and I walked out to the waiting room.

  “I don’t understand what’s going on? It’s like nothing happened.”

  “He may not remember what triggered it. I think it’s his bodies way of protecting itself.”

  “Yeah, but doesn’t that mean, he’ll freak out again, if it happens again.”

  I nodded my head.

  “You have to tell him.”

  My eyes cut to Jackson and I starred up at him. “What exactly should I tell him?”

  “The truth, Carrington. He is going to find out anyway, better it should come from you.”

  “No, what words exactly? I have spent his life protecting him from bad things, so how do I explain to him his father is one of those bad things. He had some great examples of fathers in his life and I don’t want to ruin that for him.”

  “Yeah, but what happened to you. What Josh did to you isn’t a secret. Obviously, someone already knows.”

  “No one knows the truth.”

  “Even more reason why you need to tell him the truth. Who every is telling him something won’t give him the right information. I have a feeling he hasn’t forgot about it, he’s trying to protect you.”

  “Listen, I can’t do anything tonight. So, can we just drop it.”

  “Where is my grandson?”

  We both look up and a frantic Mr. Griffin stood at the end of the hall, yelling at the nurses.

  Jackson and I look at each other and then back at Mr. Griffin.

  He ran over to us.

  “Is he okay? Is my grandson okay?”

  “Mr. Griffin. Calm down. He’s fine.”

  “What happen?” he asked.

  “How did you know?”

  “I called him from the plane to tell him I was flying over his house, and Julia told me. We landed and here I am.”

  “Unbelievable,” I said under my breath.

  “So what happen?”

  I went to sit down and nodded to Jackson to go ahead and tell him.

  “We don’t know for sure, but we think someone told him about Josh and he had a panic attack, which triggered his asthma and he stopped breathing.”

  “What the fuck?”

  I never heard Mr. Griffin cuss. It unnerved me.

  “Once he woke up, he didn’t mention it and we thought it’s best to let him get some rest.”

  I appreciated Jackson being on my side. It felt weird watching him and Mr. Griffin discussing my son. They were both a part of my son’s life and cared about him, but it was weird.

  “Ok, so what are we going to do?” Mr. Griffin asked.

  I grunted.

  “We?” I whispered.

  “When the time is right, we’ll tell him the truth,” Jackson said.

  “He has to know that we are here to love and protect him,” Mr. Griffin said.

  I rubbed my forehead.

  “We agree that Josh was sick and he made bad decisions because of it, but it had nothing to do with how much he loved him.” Mr. Griffin continued.

  “And, do we talk about your roll in what happened, or do we just gloss over that?” I asked and the both turned to look.

  “What do you mean, my roll?” Mr. Griffin asked.

  “You said tell the truth, tell him everything. You two have it all figured out, so please tell what exactly it is we are going to tell him.”

  “Carr, we’re trying to help.”

  “I know. I get that, but he’s still my son and it’s my responsibility to help him through this, so excuse me if I don’t need everyone opinion on this subject at the moment. “

  I wanted to take it back as soon as it left my mouth. the hurt in his eyes made my stomach flip. His shoulders slumped and he leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. I didn’t mean it.

  I found someone who loves my son as much as he loved me. Even before we got together, I knew Jackson would do anything to protect Jack.

  What I hadn’t explained to anyone, the real reason I didn’t want to tell Jack the truth, the whole truth. In the saga of Josh, Carrington and Jackson, I was the one who fucked it up for all of us.

  ***

  Jackson Latre Mitchell

  Finding Carrington lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood, the disgusting puss coming out of my ankle after surgery, all the scary shit I had seen in my life did nothing to prepare me for walking into that room and seeing Jack limp body on the hospital bed. His lips were blue and they had a tube down his throat and my heart and head exploded with emotion.

  Few hours later, he was sitting up in bed, watching television and flirting with the nurses.

  I knew about these attacks, but had never witness them myself. I felt so stupid for not begin more prepared, not asking more questions. I was more prepared for a fucking football game then I was prepared if something happening to Jack on my watch.

  I tried not to take Carrington’s statement to heart. He stress and worry, made her say things she didn’t mean, but I felt like the progress we made in our relationship, in her trusting me, took to steps back today. I avoided her gaze and concentrated on Jack. When he started drifting off, I excused myself. I needed to get some air, Mr. Griffin joined me.

  “That was scary,” I said.

  “Yes, but Carrington handles it like a pro.”

  “She is amazing.”

  “Yes, she is,” Mr. Griffin said and smirked up at me.

  “What?”

  “I’m thrilled the two of you found your way back together.”

  I lowered my head.

  “You are together?” He asked.

  “Yes. We are. This is it … but.”

  “But what?”

  “Nothing. I just.” I shook my head. “I should have been more prepared for this.” I pointed to the hospital.

  “You didn’t cause this. Jake has been managing his asthma well for a long time. He knows everything about it.”

  “This is going to sound really stupid and immature, but it pisses me off that you know more about them then I do.”

  “Well … I don’t mean to sound like a pompous ass, but I didn’t give up on them.”

  “I didn’t give up.”

  “Well, what do you call it.” He reached up and put a hand on my shoulder. “You haven’t been in their lives for six years. If you hadn’t gotten traded here, who knows how much longer you both would have been content at begin miserable. I’m not trying to upset you, but you do understand that if your together, that’s it. No more back and forth. No more it will happen for us, but not right now. This is it. You are either in or out.”

  “Hey.” We both turned to watch Carrington walk toward us. She wrapped her arm over her chest. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. How’s Jack?” I asked.

  “He’s fine. He’s annoyed he missed your fly over. Why don’t you go sit with him for a while.”

  “Ok.” Mr. Griffin kissed Carrington on the cheek and she leaned into it like he did it all the time. Another sign that their relationship had evolved over the year.

  Carrington stood in front of me, her head back, looking up at me. I placed my hands on her shoulders and squeezed.

  “You ok?” she asked.

  “Yeah. Of course. I’m just … I don’t know, relieved.”

  “It’s ok to talk about it. It’s scary. The thought that he can stop breathing so easy.”

  “How often does this happen?”

  “The last time he had an attack like this, he was five.”

  “I wish I knew this stuff. Like you know it. I mean, we’ve hung out alone a few times, what if he had an attack while he was with me. I would have no idea what to do. How do you let him out of your sight?”

  She giggled. “It scares me every day, but he is really smart about his issues and can handle them. If he can’t, he knows how to get help.”

  “Fuck Carrington.” I pulled her into my arms and held her tight. I rested my head on her’s, afraid to let her go. Being with her and what it mean, got all to real tonight.

  “Listen. I know it’s a lot to take. Believe me. If you …” She said. “If it’s too much. You know. It’s ok.”

  I pushed her back, held her at arms length. I studied her face. Mr. Griffin’s words echoed in my brain.

  He was right. I always see myself best reflected in the way Carrington looked at me. She thought I was looking for an excuse. She thought I couldn’t handle it. I narrowed my eye at her.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “What?”

  “I’m not standing here trying to figure out a way out.”

  Her eyes averted to the side. I touched her chin and brought her face back around. I made her look at me.

  “I’m trying to figure out a way to tell you … show you … how sorry I am.”

  “Sorry for what?”

  “For giving up on you, on us so quickly. For not trying harder with you. For taking the easy way out.”

  “That’s now how I see what happened between us?”

  “It’s how I see it.”

  “It doesn’t matter now. The past is the past. We’re together now.”

  “It kills me to think of all the times you had to deal with something like what happen tonight alone. When I could have been there for you. I should have been there for both of you.”

  “Jackson.”

  “I want to know him and what he needs like you do. Like Mr. Griffin does. Okay? Promise me.”

  “Okay.”

  “And, promise me you will let me help you when you talk to him about Josh.”

  She sighed and blinked back tears.

  “I’m not trying to tell you what to do or what to say. It up to you how you want to handle it, but it does need to be handled, Baby.”

  “I know,” she whispered. I pulled her into my arms and felt her body shake as she cried over the loss of her son’s innocents. I hoped it gave her some relief to know she wouldn’t be going through it alone.

  We slept propped up on an uncomfortable couch in Jack’s hospital room. The next morning, Carrington insisted I go to practice. I tried to stay present and worked my way through it, but my mind remained on Carrington and Jack.

  As soon as practice ended, I called Carrington as I left the facility.

  “Hey Baby, I’m on my way back to the hospital. You need anything.”

  “No. I …” she coughed to clear her throat. “I’m fine.”

  “You ok? Jack ok?”

  “No, he’s fine. Listen, I ran home to grabs a few things. Go on to the hospital, I’ll be back soon.”

  “Ok.” She hung up and I headed towards her house. Something was wrong, I could here it in her voice.

  When I arrived, I knocked, but let myself in. Carrington enjoyed her background noise, the quiet house increased my concern.

  “Carrington.”

  A muffled whimper came from the back of the house.

  I walked into her room and found her in bed, under the covers

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” I walked over. When I sat next to her, she turned away from me. I put my hand on her arm and she pushed it away.

  “Carrington, please. Talk to me.”

  “Leave me alone.”

  “Not gonna happen.” I reached out to her and this time she didn’t push me away. “What’s wrong?”

  “I ruined everything.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She turned back towards me.

  “You and I,” she rubbed the tears off her face. “And Jack. We could have been together all this time and I pushed you away and now I’ve ruined all of us.”

  “That’s not true. We are so not ruined.”

  “Yes, we are.” She at up and leaned against the headboard. “When I came back to school. The first game I went to with Mr. Griffin. He told me then how great we were together. He told me if you and I hurried up and got together, then Jack would never have to worry about not having a father. He was right.”

  “Carrington.” I shook my head.

  “No, he would have been raised with you as his father and he wouldn’t be missing anything. He wouldn’t have the blank hole in his heart for something unknown that now is going to be filled with the pain after he finds out the type of man he came from. I could have avoided all of it if I hadn’t pushed you away.”

  Tears where falling now and I reached out and tried to pull her into my arms, but she crawled across the bed over to the other side in an attempt to avoid my touch. He pity party, didn’t seem like her and I didn’t like it.

  She swung her legs over the other side of the bed and sat staring out the window.

  “You blame yourself for not fighting harder for me. Well, I blamed you too, for so long, but now I see it wasn’t fair. I was the one who ruined us and I don’t see how you can forgive me. I don’t see how I can forgive myself.”

  I stood up and placed my hands in my pocket to keep them from shaking. I stared at Carrington watched her shoulders rise and fall as she cried. She wore her hair pulled back, off her neck. I squeezed my eyes shut as I recalled what it felt like to kiss her in that spot, to wrap my arms around her waist and hold her close to me.

  The times we had been together, since I arrived in Phoenix, Carrington had been in control, of everything, every aspect of our relationship, I waited and followed her lead. Even when we had sex, it was how she wanted it.

  I had been this way our entire relationship and because I knew how controlled she felt begin with Josh, I let it happen. I overheard Josh talking to a few of our brothers how Carrington did what ever he said in and out of the bed and that image stuck in the back of my brain. I had been trying so hard not be like Josh that I never showed her what I needed and wanted from her.

  I needed to show her now.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Carrington Olivia Butler

  The bed shifted when Jackson stood up. I breathed a sigh of relief. Jackson must have come to the same conclusion as I did. Too much had happened. Too much hurt and pain and distance between us. I feared I would never be myself and be who he needed. I fooled myself into think those two people could be the same person, but they weren’t. I liked having someone on my side, there for me, but it wasn’t enough. Although my insides were twisted in a knot and my heart squeezed in a vise with every breath I took.

  It’s better this way.

  It would only hurt for a minute and then it would all be over and life would return to normal. I could concentrate on living my life and taking care of my son.

  In a few minutes, Jackson would walk out of my life and I—