I read it once and then twice. I looked back at the computer screen. I found the hit where Brennan laid out. I watched it in slow motion. His body tensed before the impact and then crumbled to the ground. I felt every hit as it happened. I watched the expression on his face as he looked in my direction. His face changed and I knew the guy was on my side. I had no doubt. He deserved for me to stay focus. My whole team did.

  I read the text message again and tap, tap, tap … I deleted it, shut off my phone and watched film. I was a send button away from fucking it all up before it even got started and for once since I arrived in this city, I wasn’t referring to Carrington and I.

  Chapter Nine

  Carrington Olivia Butler

  I laid in bed until I heard Jack.

  I pulled on a rob and found him in the kitchen.

  “Good morning Mama.”

  “Good morning, baby.”

  “Yesterday was the bestest time ever. I can’t wait to tell everyone at school.”

  “The best time.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I said.” He giggled and shoved a large spoon full of cereal in his mouth, milk dripped into the bowl.

  I grabbed a cup of coffee. I picked up my phone, two missed call and a couple to text messages came in.

  I read them as I fixed myself some toast.

  Kayla: Hey, how was the game? Call me when you get a chance.

  Kayla: I hope the reason you’re not calling has to do with Mr. Three Touchdowns. Call me tomorrow.

  Carrington: Call you when I get to work.

  Kayla: 😉

  I sat next to Jack and finished my breakfast.

  “Can I bring my game ticket to school?”

  “Don’t you want to save it with your other tickets?”

  “I’ll be careful. Put it in an envelope.”

  “Ok.”

  “When do we get to see Jackson again?”

  “Sweetie, I don’t know. Maybe later in the week.”

  “He’s off tomorrow. Ask him to come over for dinner.”

  “Jack, you know Jackson doesn’t take days off. Not during the season.”

  “Yeah, but they looked so good yesterday.”

  “That’s why they looked so good. They work hard through out the week so it looks easy on game day.”

  “I’m going to practice on my off day, too.”

  “You have practice to get good.”

  Jack’s face scrunched up as if trying to figure something out, but gave up and hoped out of his chair. He placed his bowl in the sink and headed towards the stairs.

  “But, he’s got to eat to maintain his strength. Can I at least ask him?”

  I sighed and my shoulders slumped. I shook my head. “Ok, but if he says he’s busy, don’t push it.”

  “Ok.” I listened to Jack run up the stairs and into his room. He returned five minutes later.

  “Did you brush your teeth?”

  He ran over to me and breathed in my face. I recoiled, but laughed.

  He ran into my office and came back out waving an envelope. I took the ticket out of my purse and placed it into the envelope. He took the precious piece of paper between his thumb and finger. He placed it inside of a book in his Cardinals backpack, zip it up and put the pack over his shoulders. I grabbed him and pulled him in for a hug.

  He squirmed and coughed, but hugged me back.

  “I love you, Jackie.”

  “Love you, too.” He headed out the front door and I got up to watch him walk to my neighbor’s car parked at the curb. I waved and shut the door and headed back into my room to get dressed for work.

  I called Kayla on my way to the office.

  “Hey Chica.”

  “Hi Chica,” I said.

  “How’s Jack?” Kayla asked.

  “He’s fine,” I said. “How are you? How’s Jamie?”

  “Fine, fine and before you ask another meaningless questions, that’s fine, too.”

  “How’s your mother?”

  “Ugh. Did you and Jackson … celebrate last night?”

  “Yes we did. You want blow by blow details.”

  “Let me get the popcorn.”

  “For a proper little red head, you are a pervert.”

  “Takes one to know one.”

  “Kayla, I miss you. Come see us?”

  “I can’t get out there until next month,” she said, I could hear the pout in her voice. “Come see me? Tell Adam you need to close a deal in New York.”

  “I don’t close deals.”

  “Well what every it is you do, do it here.” She sighed. “So really. How are you and Jackson?”

  “We are … it’s hard to explain. It’s so good seeing him with Jack. They are having a blast together.”

  “But, how is he with you?”

  “You know. It’s good.”

  “Just good.”

  “The sex is amazing. Is that what you want to hear?”

  “Yes,” she cackled. “So what’s the problem?”

  “I don’t know. It felt weird.”

  “The sex.”

  “No,” I blew out a breath. “I went to the game yesterday and we sat in a suite with his parents and brothers and agents and assistant and people who love and worship him and I felt so out of place.”

  “How was his family?”

  “His mom was sweet and his dad was great, too. His brothers barely talked to me, but you know they probably know more than most. That’s who he confides in, so I don’t blame them for being wary of me. They were great to Jack though.”

  “Well, maybe it’s going to take some time. You know for you to feel comfortable around them and them to feel comfortable around you.”

  “I don’t know if it’s worth it.”

  “Oh come on, of course it’s worth it. Love is always worth it.”

  “Now you’ve gone from pervert to Disney Princess.”

  “Oh, that’s a great idea for a halloween costume. Slutty Disney Princess.”

  “You could do Arielle. All guys want to do it with a mermaid.”

  We both laughed.

  “Listen, I have got to go, but please give if it a chance. Give it time.”

  “I’ll keep an open mind.”

  “That’s all I ask.”

  “Love you,” I said.

  “Love you, too.”

  I hung up the phone and smiled as I walked into the office.

  Once I got in my office, I found it easier to not think about Jackson. I buried my head in a contract, wrote some notes on a negotiation strategy, and stared out the window.

  “Carrington,” Carrie said.

  I jumped when she yelled my name.

  “What?”

  “I called your name twice. You ok?”

  “Yes, I’m working on some notes for Adam. What’s up?”

  “A Mrs. Steven’s is on the phone. She’s from Jack’s school.”

  My eyes narrowed and I turned to pick up the receiver on the edge of my desk.

  “This is Carrington.”

  “Ms. Butler. How are you?”

  “I’m fine. Is everything ok with Jack?”

  “Oh, yes. He is fine.”

  “Can I help you with something?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t ask normally, but I figured since you and Jackson Mitchell are so close. Do you think he would agree to come and speak to the kids at Fair Day in a few weeks?”

  I held the phone away from my ear, looked at the receiver and placed the phone back on my ear. Her high pitch voice continued through the receiver.

  “And, maybe he could provide a few signed footballs or something for us to auction off.”

  “Wha-“ I started. “What makes you think Jackson and I are close?”

  “Well, Jack told me. He told the class that Jackson was his god father and that you guys have a suite in the stadium.”

  “Mrs. Stevens, do you not find anything inappropriate in what you are asking me?”

  “Well-.”

  “No wait. Correct me if I am wrong, but you interrogate my son to solicit information about my personal life. Then, because we shared some pleasantries at a parent/teacher conference, you feel comfortable to inquire about my personal relationship and how that relationship can benefit you.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it, but we are a small school and we survive based on the generosity of donors.”

  “And the insanely expensive amount of tuition you charge me”

  “Ms. Butler, there’s no need to get excited. I’m making an initial inquiry. If you and he aren’t that close-“

  “Oh, so now, you’re doubting my association with Jackson Mitchell. A minute ago, you had us in a relationship and me in control of his philanthropic pursuits.”

  “Ms. Butler. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  “Wow, I can’t imagine how inappropriate this conversations would get if you had actually tried.”

  “Goodbye.”

  “Goodbye.”

  I slammed the phone down and put my hand in my heads.

  “What was that about?” Carrie asked from the door.

  My head snapped back up. “You heard all that.”

  “We could hear you down the hall. Are you ok?”

  “Yes.” I shook my head. “No, not really.”

  “Can I help?”

  “No,” I whisper and laid my head back down. I avoided telling anyone else off for the rest of the day, a monumental feat because I felt on edge all day.

  When I arrived at home, Jackson’s car sat in front of the house. I pulled into the driveway and shut my car off. I looked towards the house and didn’t notice any movement. I got out of the car and voices came from the back yard.

  “You know you were one years old the first time we played catch?”

  “Could I catch?”

  “You were pretty good. When I stood two feet from you.”

  Jack grunted and then laughed.

  “You’re really good. Did you mom teach you how to throw a spiral.”

  “No, Papa and Uncle David.”

  “They did a good job. Let me show you one thing.”

  The voices grew quiet. I walked into the house.

  “Hi Ms. Carrington.”

  “Hi Julia. How long has Jackson been here?”

  “He arrived about thirty minutes ago. It’s ok. Jack said it was, but I wasn’t sure.”

  “No, it’s fine. He’s just a friend.”

  “My son is a big fan of Mr. Jackson.”

  “You’ll have to get a photo with him some day.”

  “I already did.” She cackled and headed upstairs with a bunch of folded clothes.

  I stood at the back door watched them toss the ball. My insides played a game of tug of war.

  They looked like a father and son and it made it even more difficult for me to do what I knew I had to do. I wasn’t ready for this, for Jackson Mitchell and the sooner he understood that the better.

  I fixed dinner for the three of us. Chicken breast and mashed potatoes. Ok, Julia cooked it, but I put it on the table. I went to the back door and called for Jackson and Jack to come in and get washed up for dinner. It sounded so domestic. I shook the image out of my head and watched them walk towards me.

  “Hi Mama.” I leaned over and kissed Jack on the top of the head. He smelled like outdoors and wheezed a little.

  “Go wash your hands an your face, and take some medicine.” The pollen count has been higher than normal today and an hour outside meant an hour for Jack to get it out of his system.

  “Hi Mama,” Jackson said.

  I glared, allowed him to kiss me on the forehead. His sweet, sweaty, sexy scent entered my nostrils.

  “You go wash up, too.” I said and held on to the door handle to prevent my knees from buckling. How could I wanted him so much and be scared around him in every other way? It didn’t make sense.

  I sat down at the head of the table and waited for them to return.

  Jack sat in his seat on my right and Jackson sat on my left. I took Jack’s plate and gave him some chicken and potatoes. I reached for Jackson’s plate and almost dropped it when I caught him staring at me. My face felt hot and I knew it had a nice red tint to it. I gave him his food and they waited while I spooned food onto my plate.

  “You want to say the blessing.” I turned to Jack. He reached out for my hand and I took it. Jackson grabbed my other hand and held it. He rubbed his thumb in circles as Jack stumbled through his normal pray.

  “Dear God, thank you for the food. Thank you for our family and friends. Thank you for our blessings. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.”

  “Amen,” Jackson said and pulled my hand to him mouth and kissed it. Jack watched and giggled.

  I retrieved my hand. “Let’s eat.”

  Jackson and Jack seemed to start in the middle of an early conversation about football. Jack asked questions and Jackson answered and asked him questions back. It was adorable how attentive Jackson was with him. It reminded me how much he wanted to have a man in his life.

  Jack had his Papa, my dad, and his Uncle David. He also spent some time with his Grandpa Griffin. While Mr. Griffin was a good grandfather, their time together seemed more like they were on a commuter jet to Spoiled Child Town, USA. Mr. Griffin showered Jack with gifts and experiences. He had been on me for a year now to allow him to take Jack on a hunting trip. I hesitate only because I wasn’t comfortable with him spending time alone with Mr. Griffin. Even seven years later, I didn’t trust Mr. Griffin. He hadn’t done anything to betray my trust, but it what he did to his son Josh, Jack’s father, remained in the back of my head. I didn’t think he would do anything wrong, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did mess up some day.

  I had the same feeling being around Jackson. Jackson would be an amazing husband and father, but something kept me from seeing him in my family. Maybe I shut off the possibility that I would find happiness with a guy. It may turn out great, but it could turn to shit quick and the shit wasn’t worth it. Anything that could possibly hurt my son, not worth it.

  Even if the odds where a million to one, I couldn’t risk that one. I had put Jack through so much even before his was born. I worked too damn hard creating a stable life for him, for us. I had to keep my brain focused on that no matter how much I wanted Jackson.

  “You ok?” Jackson nudged my knee under the table. “You’re awfully quiet.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. How’s the chicken?”

  “It’s great. Not as good as your spaghetti, but good.”

  I avoided looking at Jackson. It made it harder to do what I knew I needed to do.

  “So, Jack, how was school today?”

  “So, cool. The kids loved the ticket.”

  “Where is the ticket?”

  “I put it in my box.”

  “What box?” Jackson asked.

  “I keep every ticket from every movie, game, event. Mama does it, too.”

  “Really, since when.”

  “Since I was eleven.”

  “I beat Mama. She has done it since I was born.”

  “That’s so cool. Must be interesting to go back and see what you have done and seen? Remind you of the good times. You have FSU tickets in there?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I want to see them,” he said.

  “Ok, after dinner.”

  Jackson smiled at me and I thought for a moment about giving it a try. What is the worse that could happen? I could be happy and feel loved and wanted. I could have a father for my son, someone who loves him as much as I did. It would be so great to have someone to grow old with.

  The problem, we were a long way away from growing old together.

  No, being the girlfriend of a professional athlete, living my life from season to season, not what I wanted for my life.

  I said before I would never be with someone unless Jack and I were his number one priority and Jackson couldn’t give that to me. He may want to, he may even try and give it a good effort, but when it came right down to it. His career was the most important thing in his life. It alway has been and I wouldn’t even want to complicate that for him.

  Jack cleared the table and helped Julia with the dishes. I went into my study and Jackson followed. As soon as I closed the door behind us, he pulled me into his arms and kissed my neck.

  “God, I missed you today. I’ve been thinking about kissing you all day.”

  I hugged Jackson back, laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart rate increase. Being near me did that to him. He placed his hands on the side of my face and tilted my head up and kissed me. A quick peck at first and I moved in to kiss him deeper, but he held my face inches from mine. I felt his eyes studying me, trying to read my thoughts.

  Five years ago, we were in sync. We were so much in each others heads it scared. We didn’t have to communicate, we held each other close and made each other feel better, even before we slept together. We had always had a connection, but what made me sure about ending this now, even though we once had a connection, it was severed years ago and I couldn’t even grasp a glimpse of what we had and it hurt my heart to have to start over.

  A tear spilled from my eye and I turned away from Jackson’s concerned expression. I held his hand and led him over to the couch. I sat down and Jackson sat down next to me. I looked at him and he held his head down. I reached out and touched his face, turned it to face me.

  “I don’t think this is going to work,” I whispered.

  ***

  Jackson Latre Mitchell

  She held my hand in her hand. She held my gaze and spoke louder.

  “Jackson, I love you and you hold a special place in my heart, but I don’t have it in me to do us again. It hurt way to much when it ended the first time.”

  “Why-” I cleared my throat and tried again. “Why does it have to end?”

  “Well, I mean, it doesn’t. It probably won’t, but you know. I have no idea what the future holds. That’s what scares me.”

  “You’re not making sense.”

  “Jackson. You are in a new town with a new team. You have to concentrate on that.”

  I remembered the conversation with Michael. I turned away from her and sat back on the couch.