“Oh, Jess.”

  “I know, right? I was like, why, and he said he wanted me to enjoy the rest of my time at FSU without having to worry about being his girlfriend. It’s such bullshit.”

  “I can’t believe he put it back on you.”

  “He’s an ass. I heard he’s dating his high school girlfriend.”

  “Family pressure.”

  “Probably.”

  “Sounds familiar.”

  “Oh God, Carrington. I’m so sorry. What’s it like, being back on campus? Can I ask?”

  “Sure. It’s strange. I don’t see Josh in every tree or anything like that, but I haven’t been to the frat house or anywhere near that part of campus.”

  “You run into any of the guys?”

  “I have a class with Brandon.” Brandon and I had a moment at my first frat party freshman year where he tried to kiss me and I threw up on him.

  “Oh, my God.”

  “Yeah, he’s so sweet to me. As soon as he saw me, he made me sit next to him and he made sure I was okay. Even walked me to my next class.”

  “Brandon is a big old teddy bear.”

  “Did Brian ever say what happened at the frat house after,” I didn’t know what to call it, “the incident? I don’t feel right asking Jackson or Brandon.”

  “I don’t know much. I know they conducted an investigation to see if it was a fraternity hazing issue. Jackson never showed up at a party last year and the brothers understood, but they had a hard time with it. He was slated to be the next president when Randolph left.”

  “Who is the president?”

  “Brandon. He didn’t tell you?”

  “Maybe that’s why he’s being so nice to me.”

  We talked about school and the guys over lunch. Jessica didn’t know much more than I did, but she speculated a lot.

  “You know Mr. Griffin stayed away from the fraternity all year as well.”

  “I didn’t know that.”

  “Yeah, they invited him to all the normal stuff, but he stayed away. Maybe he was embarrassed.”

  “I don’t think he was embarrassed. I think he was sorry.”

  “Sorry for what? He knew what he was doing when he taught his son how to be a monster.”

  “Jess, what happened to Josh has affected a lot of people, including Mr. Griffin.”

  “You’re seriously defending him after what he did to you?”

  “Yes. I can’t go into details, but he is trying to make it right.”

  She rolled her eyes but let it drop. I sipped my water, stalling before asking the next question.

  “So, did you see a lot of Jackson last year?”

  She blinked and reached for her water, she watched me as she took a sip.

  “Not much. I thought you guys kept in touch.”

  “We did, but you know. To him, everything was fine.”

  “I assumed it was. You know we never saw him during the season. He usually hung out with his teammates.”

  “You know his girlfriend, Tiffany?”

  “Not really. I saw her around last semester. You can’t miss her. She’s so tall.” Jessica let out a nervous laugh, took another sip of her drink and changed the subject. “So, when do I get to see little Jack?”

  Jessica and I walked back to campus and I dropped my inquisition about Jackson and Tiffany. She relaxed, and we chatted about everything and nothing. Her break-up was still raw, but she had a long list of ways to forget about her heartbreak, most in some not-so-healthy ways. She described them to me in too much detail, and I knew she was fine. She invited me to hang out with her to help her get over him, and I told her I would. Maybe it was what I needed to distract myself from my own heartbreak, as well.

  We hugged and said our goodbyes, but when I turned to walk back home, I felt like I was being watched. I turned back and some girl on a bench near the library stared me down. The sun reflected off the pink and blue streaks in her hair. I caught her eye and she altered her gaze and went back to the book on the table in front of her. She didn’t look familiar, but from the look she gave me, she knew me.

  “Hi,” I said as I approached the table. She sat back and placed her hands on her lap. I admired her tattoo; it was a green vine snaking up her arm and at her shoulder sat two realistic cherry blossoms. She ran her thumb underneath her red-stained lips and wiped her hand on her jeans.

  “Oh, hey.”

  “Do we know each other?” I asked.

  “No. Well, not really.” She looked behind me and blinked. “I’m Candace. I was a friend of Josh’s.”

  “Oh.” I stood and gripped the handle to my bag tight and stared at my shoes.

  “We never met, but he told me about you.”

  “Okay.” My legs buckled, and I sat down before I fell down.

  “Josh was a sweet guy, and I am sorry about what happened to him.”

  I stared at her but didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure why she was telling me this. And why would Josh tell her about me? “How did you know what I looked like?”

  “I saw you with Josh once, in the Student Union.”

  “Why didn’t you come up and say hello?”

  “It wouldn’t have been appropriate.” The way she said that made me super uncomfortable. “I kind of feel responsible.”

  I sat up straight and bit my lip.

  “Responsible for what?” I asked.

  “I was with Josh the night before he died.”

  “Wait. What?” I held onto the side of the table. I welcomed the solid surface. The rest of my body felt disconnected. “What exactly were you and Josh?”

  “It doesn’t matter now. I’m sorry I said anything.” She gathered her things and stood up.

  I grabbed her wrist.

  “Please, if you know something about Josh’s last days, I need to know.” Tears were falling. Both of us were crying. “Please.”

  My eyes dodged around. The little black girl and the goth chick sat on a bench opposite each other, not only crying, but crying over the same man.

  When is my life going to return to normal?

  She settled back down but wouldn’t look at me.

  “I don’t know what you want to hear. Where do I start?”

  “How did you and Josh meet?”

  “We met at a party. His friends had ditched him, and he was pretty messed up so I brought him home with me. He couldn’t tell me where he lived.”

  It was sixty degrees outside, but sweat dripped down my back.

  “When was this?”

  “Over winter break.”

  I placed my head in my hands.

  During winter break, Josh and I got into a fight because I had gone home for Christmas, and he didn’t want me to go. By the time I got on the plane, I missed him so much, the next time we had talked I asked him to join me for New Year’s Eve, but he had refused. I didn’t know until later that he had gotten high. That was also around the time he and Jackson had gotten into a fight over me.

  “You don’t need to hear this.” My head snapped up.

  “Yes, I do.”

  “To be honest, even loaded, he didn’t cheat on you. He kept talking about his beautiful Carrington and how much he loved her and how much she would hate him if she found out what happened.”

  So, when I saw him on campus a few months later and I asked him if he wanted to get high, he didn’t hesitate. He said he needed to forget. I figured you two had broken up.”

  “Did you sleep with him?”

  She didn’t answer right away, and I knew.

  She nodded. “But we were high.”

  “Oh, so it doesn’t count?” Josh used to tell me about addict’s logic and that sounded like one.

  “Well, no, but he wasn’t thinking clearly. I didn’t realize until later that you were pregnant. Maybe he couldn’t handle the pressure.”

  “Candace, is it.” I sat on my hands to keep from reaching over the table and slapping her silly. “I don’t think you’re in any position to speculate on his mental state.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I could have done something to stop him from killing himself.”

  “You saw him before he died.”

  “Yeah, he showed up at my door one night before exams. He was covered in blood and was ranting about how he fixed it and his father would be proud. I tried to calm him down, but he ranted and paced back and forth. I snuck a Valium in his beer and he finally calmed down and passed out.”

  “Covered in blood.”

  “Yeah, it was crazy. I asked him what happened, and he kept saying, I fixed it, like a good Griffin. I fixed it. ”

  “That was my blood,” I said a little too loud.

  “I know that now. I figured he got into another fight like the first time I met him. He had blood on his shirt and a black eye, too. As you know, he could be a violent drunk.”

  “How would I know that? I never got high with Josh. He had you for that.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I felt sorry for him, and he needed help.” She averted her eyes. “When he woke up the next morning, he couldn’t remember anything from the night before. He couldn’t wait to get to you. He was so sweet, and he told me about the baby.

  And when he came back and asked me to help him find his car, I should have stayed with him. He left it over at…a friend’s house.”

  By the way she hesitated when she said friend, I figured she was referring to their dealer.

  “I should have watched over him, but you know I figured I was there and Josh gave me money. I needed to party.”

  I let out a throaty whimper and wiped my face with the back of my hand.

  I wasn’t sure what upset me more. Josh cheating on me with this drug addict, or that she had a chance to help him and didn’t.

  “I know you don’t want to hear this, either, but some good came out of Josh’s death.”

  My eyes locked on hers, and I dared her to tell me the great thing that happened to her after my boyfriend beat me up, crushed oxy and valium into a Jack Daniels bottle, downed in and drifted away from this world.

  “I sobered up. I went into rehab the next day, and I’ve been sober ever since.” She delivered this news with a hesitant smile.

  “Oh, yeah. You’re sober. You feel better. I am so happy for you.” I let the tears fall. “In the meantime, I get to add cheating to the long list of shit Josh did to me. Thank you for that. I am so fucking happy you feel better.”

  ***

  Jackson Latre Mitchell

  I headed out of class and found Carrington sitting at a table talking to a girl with pink and blue hair. I smiled and headed for the Student Union happy she was making friends, but I stopped and turned when I heard her raised voice.

  I couldn’t make out what they were talking about, but on second look, Carrington was upset. The pink haired chick was crying, too.

  Carrington gathered her stuff and walked away.

  I jogged to catch up to her.

  “Carrington.”

  She stopped but didn’t turn around. I turned her around and her eyes were closed and her face was puffy and wet. We were near the science buildings. If she was going to have a breakdown, it was better to do it in semi-privacy and not in the middle of campus. I pulled her toward the building. She opened her eyes but didn’t protest. We ducked into the closest building and found an empty classroom inside the door.

  She dropped her stuff on the ground and walked over to the desk and leaned over it, her hands flat on the surface.

  “Carrington, what’s wrong?”

  She turned around so fast, I stepped back.

  “Did you know Josh cheated on me?”

  “What?”

  “Don’t lie to me Jackson. Did you know?”

  “No. Of course not.” She appeared crushed all over again, and I wanted to go to her and hold her, but Tiffany popped in my head.

  What the fuck?

  I shook the image of her out of my head and stood in front of Carrington.

  “Who told you that?”

  “Apparently in a drug-induced haze, Josh had sex with some goth chick.” She reached out and placed a hand on my forearm. It was a simple gesture, but it made my insides go crazy, in a good way. “And she felt the need to tell me how Josh’s death was the scare she needed to get sober. Isn’t that amazing?”

  “Carrington.”

  “No, really. I’m so glad Josh didn’t die for nothing.”

  I pulled her to me and rubbed her back. I wanted her to let it go. When I told Tiffany about Carrington not wanting to talk about what happened, it wasn’t true. I didn’t want her talking about it because I had no clue how to help her. It was so raw for me, too.

  “Why do I have to find out about this now? Why do people feel the need to share?” she asked.

  “Oh, Carrington. You know the saying, misery loves company.”

  “But no one has the right to be miserable but you and me.”

  She laughed at herself, and I squeezed her tighter.

  “I know. I’m being ridiculous.”

  “You’re allowed.” I kissed her on the top of her head, and she wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. I smelled her hair and had to adjust myself, but I was too late.

  “Um, I’m okay.” She pushed away from me.

  “You sure?” I relaxed and sat on the edge of the desk.

  “After all that Josh did to me, I never thought he cheated on me. Was I naive?”

  “Not naive, but I’m sure he did a lot of things he didn’t mean to do when he was high.”

  “Yeah, but sleeping with another girl. I didn’t think he would cheat on me. It’s like the worse thing you can do to a person because you’re saying to the person you claim to love that they aren’t enough. Drugs and alcohol are one thing. Those are addictions, but he wasn’t addicted to sex.”

  “Why are you trying to rationalize this when there’s nothing you can do about it?”

  “I know, but I wish I didn’t know. I have no problem living in ignorant bliss.” The side of her mouth curled up on the ends and she nibbled her bottom lip. “I’m so glad I insisted on using condoms every other time we were together.”

  “You’re going to drive yourself crazy second-guessing what was going on in Josh’s mind. Let’s talk about something else.”

  “Where are you coming from?”

  “Class.”

  “How do you always happened to be in the right place the right time?” she asked.

  “It’s just with you. Lately, my timing has been off.”

  During practice, I stayed focus, but it took effort. My decision to stay with Tiffany made it more difficult.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been so in my own world.” She sat in one of the desks and put her chin in her hand. “What’s going on with you? How’s practice going, how’s the team?”

  I narrowed my eyes and laughed.

  “What?”

  “You sound a little strange. Kind of manic.”

  “Well, you’re right. I’m not going to figure it out. It’s so frustrating. When I think I have a handle on it all, I learn another thing or another bit of information that knocks me on my ass. I’m so tired of crying about it.”

  I walked over and squatted in front of her. “I hate to see you cry.”

  I reached out and touched her cheek.

  “I know. I am trying not to be one of those weepy girls. It’s not a good look.”

  “You’re beautiful, no matter what.”

  She smiled and blinked but sat back in her chair and stared.

  “Come on.” I checked my phone to avoid her gaze. “I have just enough time to walk you home and give Jack a hug before practice.”

  I stood up and held out my hand.

  She took it, but she dropped it as soon as she was up. She headed toward the door and I had a great view of her backside. I was a twelve-year-old boy around her. I couldn’t control my hormones.

  What in the world is wrong with me?

  We strolled back to her house enjoying the comfortable silence. It’s funny how people always talk about being quiet with someone as the ultimate test that the relationship was successful. I enjoyed the silence to avoid talking about all the stuff that made it hard for us. Silence was comforting because talking led us down a path neither one of us were ready to travel.

  I enjoyed being there for her today. I figured if we both maintained this type of relationship, we could sail through the semester and well on into the rest of our lives. I wasn’t concerned about my feelings for Carrington or my feelings for Tiffany. I needed one and wanted the other. Neither asked me to choose, which let me off the hook.

  I smiled. She smiled back.

  When we reached her house, I followed her inside. She called out for Kayla and Jack, but no one was home. They had left a note on the whiteboard in the kitchen.

  Mamma,

  At the park, be back soon.

  Love,

  Jack

  (and Kayla)

  We stood in the kitchen and stared at each other.

  “Well, I have to go.”

  “Practice.”

  “Yeah.” I leaned down and gave her a hug, “You sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m fine. Thank you. You’re always there for me. I can’t ask for anything more.”

  She could ask for whatever she wanted, but I was relieved she didn’t.

  ***

  Carrington Olivia Butler

  Jackson and I texted each other over the week, but he was busy with class and practice, and he didn’t have much time for us. I tried not to take it personal.

  I didn’t tell anyone else about my encounter with Candace, but it was all I could think about. Josh had this whole secret life away from me, and it made it harder to understand what he did, and why he did it. I was tired of dealing with all this new shit. I missed having something stable in my life. I craved a sense of familiar.

  When I received a call from Jackson at eight am on Saturday morning, I got my wish. It was our little ritual, his pre-game pep talk. He would call on the morning of his games, and we would talk about our week. I would give bits of useless information about the opposing team he was playing, and we would laugh a lot. I didn’t expect him to call, but I was happy he did and grateful that I was prepared and we followed the script. I needed this.