My brother and his family arrived on Christmas Eve. I played with my nephews. We opened gifts, ate too much, laughed, and laughed some more.

  Besides my brother telling me that I’d gained weight, we all got along. On Christmas night, to escape the chaos of the house, I headed into the backyard to call Josh. The last time we spoke was at the airport. I wanted to check on him and wish him a Merry Christmas.

  When I dialed the number, someone answered, but then hung up. I sat staring at the phone, and when it rang back, I jumped.

  “Hey, Carrington, baby. Hi.”

  His sweet voice made me smile.

  “Hey, Josh, Merry Christmas.” I wiped the tears from my eyes, not sure why I was crying.

  “Merry Christmas. How was your day?” he asked.

  “It was good. Ate too much turkey.” I tried to keep it light, but I wanted so bad to see him. “How was your day? Where are you?”

  “I’m at Jackson’s house.”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Yeah, we’re heading back to the kitchen for leftovers.”

  “Oh, well, I’ll let you go.”

  “No, it’s okay. It’s good to hear your voice.”

  “Yeah, you too. I miss you.”

  “Me, too.”

  “I was thinking, if you’re not doing anything, why don’t you come to Dallas for New Year’s Eve?”

  “I thought-”

  “Never mind about that, I want to see you.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea. You were right. I’ve been a little possessive lately, but I am fine and I can’t wait to see you when you get back.”

  His last statement made me wonder if he and Jackson had been talking.

  “Oh. Okay.”

  “I’m glad you called and I can’t wait to see you next semester.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “Bye.”

  “Bye.” I hung up the phone and buried my head in my hands. He seemed fine. He sounded good, but different. Maybe he was taking this time apart to think about things, too. I hoped he still wanted me because the thought of returning to campus and not being with someone made me feel worse.

  The day after Christmas, my brother headed home, and my friends were heading to New Orleans for New Year’s, but I decided to stay in Dallas. I had a cold, and the thought of getting crazy in New Orleans exhausted me.

  I stayed at home while my parents went out to a party. I grabbed a blanket and set up in front of the TV watching It’s a Wonderful Life, eating Christmas cookies, and drinking hot chocolate.

  I got up to get another cup when my phone rang. I flopped back down and pushed the blanket away until I found my phone.

  “Oh, hey. I didn’t think you would answer; I was going to leave a message.”

  It took me a minute to place the voice, but the smile spread across my face as I pictured his bright blue eyes and gorgeous features on the other end of the phone. I kept my voice neutral, but if he could see my face…

  “Jackson.”

  “Yeah,” he said and laughed. He sounded adorable and a little drunk. “Happy New Year.”

  “Not quite.”

  “It is here. I wanted to be the first to wish you a Happy New Year.”

  “Why are you so obsessed with who is first and who is second?”

  He grunted and laughed out loud, which made me cover my mouth before letting out one of my notorious snorts.

  “Happy New Year, Carrington,” he said.

  I removed the phone from my ear to avoid bursting an eardrum.

  “Where are you?”

  “I was at a party, but heading back to the frat now. Our last night to go crazy before we’re on lockdown before the bowl game. I wish you were here. I had no one to kiss at midnight.”

  “Even if I was there, you’re not allowed. Guy code, remember?”

  “Oh yeah, I forgot,” he said. He said something inaudible.

  “What?”

  “I said, why was I such a stupid idiot. I should have claimed you when I had the chance.”

  “As flattered as I am to be claimed by someone, things happened the way they were supposed to. Right?”

  “You don’t really believe that, do you?” he asked. I heard a muffled sound followed by a thud. “Whoa, I’m okay.”

  “Jackson, are you alone?”

  “No, I’m not alone. I’m talking to you.”

  “I mean, do you know where you’re going? Please don’t make me worry about you.”

  “No, I’m good. I made it home. I’m going to hang up now.”

  “Jackson,” I yelled, but he put the phone down. I heard other voices in the background. I listened as he clomped up the stairs.

  “Hello.”

  “Jackson.”

  “Carrington, Happy New Year.”

  “Are you safe?” I asked.

  “I’m safe. I’m tired. I miss you.”

  “Okay. Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight.”

  He hung up the phone this time. I crawled back under the covers and pulled them tight around my neck.

  When Jackson told me he missed me, I knew how much I wanted to be with him and it broke my heart. Life was so unfair.

  I hated Jackson for not coming after me.

  I hated Josh for pursuing me.

  I hated myself the most for cheating myself out of the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

  Happy fucking New Year!

  By morning I’d convinced myself that I had nothing to feel guilty about.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Joshua Elijah Griffin, IV

  I spent the rest of winter break recovering from my night in the freak zone. By the time Carrington was due back, there would be no signs of the bruise around my eye.

  The fight, it turns out, wasn’t a fight after all. Back at the frat house, Jackson filled me in.

  I ran into Jackson outside of a bar in downtown Tallahassee. He and his teammates were out celebrating the night after finals.

  He mentioned Carrington, and I noticed the look in his eye when he said her name. He looked the way I felt. My body tensed, and I went after him. My best friend was in love with my girlfriend. I needed to protect our relationship, or she would leave me for him for sure. He said nothing happened, but in my current state of paranoia, I assumed they hooked up and he took her away from me.

  When Jackson told me later about the pretty pathetic display on my part, I cringed. His teammates stood between us and I ran into one of their elbows when I went after him.

  “What happened, man?” Jackson said. “You were doing so well.”

  “I don’t know. Carrington, man. I don’t know. I don’t know how to do this.”

  “Well, you can’t stay here.”

  “I can’t go home.”

  “Why don’t you go see her?”

  “No, not yet. If I go see her, she will know something happened and she will leave me. I can’t. She can’t leave me.”

  “Okay, well, come home with me. Let my mom spoil you. They would love to have you.”

  I ended up spending the rest of winter break at Jackson’s family’s house. I’d always been close to Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell; it was nice being a part of an ordinary family for a change.

  I drove back to Tallahassee the night before the BCS bowl game. I wanted to go to the game, but I wanted to see Carrington, too. She was scheduled to return the same day.

  She asked me to come visit her. Ironically, if she had allowed me to come in the first place, I would not be in this mess.

  Her flight got in around two p.m. The city seemed empty. Most of the students had taken the trip to New Orleans for the bowl game. I met her at the curb, and we approached each other with caution.

  I wanted to grab her and hug her and never let her go.

  I wasn’t going to tell her what happened, but I thought she would know. She would be able to read it on my face or smell it on me.

  Jackson kept my secret. I thought something was going on between them, but again, he gave me no reason to doubt his word after all he did for me. He was a better friend to me than I deserved.

  Spending time with his family was the best thing for me, but standing in front of Carrington, wanting her more than when she left—part of me wished I’d taken a fatal dose to prevent her the pain someone like me could invariably do to a sweet and kind person like her.

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close. She kissed my cheek and my neck. I squeezed her tight, and she responded by melting into me.

  “I missed you,” she whispered into my neck. Her voice made my heart and pants swell.

  I leaned back. Her eyes were red-rimmed and wet, and I swiped a tear as it dropped, and kissed her lips. Soft at first, waiting for her to let me know how far and how fast.

  Letting her take the lead, it wasn’t so hard with Carrington.

  We drove back to the empty frat house. We had the place to ourselves. I had picked up food earlier, and we prepared a little picnic in the theater and waited for the game to start.

  “Did you have a good time at home?”

  “Yeah. Got a chance to relax, but I had a cold the entire time.”

  “What did you end up doing for New Year’s?” I asked.

  “I sat in front of the television watching movies and eating Christmas cookies. My parents went to a party.”

  “Oh, geez, was it okay?”

  “No, I actually had fun.”

  “I am sorry I couldn’t come to Dallas.”

  “No, I am glad you didn’t. I needed some time to be on my own. To think.”

  “What did you think about?”

  “Mainly how I couldn’t wait to get back to school.”

  “To see me.”

  “Maybe.” Her coyness made her seem like the girl I met at the beginning of the semester. I took some of her innocence away. I needed to regain her trust. I needed to play it cool. We needed to find our connection again.

  We finished the food and watched the game. As the night wore on, we grew more comfortable with each other. We hung out as friends. Laughed and joked around. I teased her on her lack of football knowledge and we made fun of each other.

  I had a moment of self-doubt when she smiled as they announced Jackson during player introductions. I watched her to see any sign of an emotional reaction. If it was there, she hid it well. We cheered on the Seminoles, and they kicked Alabama’s ass. Jackson won MVP of the game, and we sent him messages congratulating him on his victory.

  When the game ended, I offered to take her home, but she wanted to stay. We headed up to my room. We took our time, made out like teenagers, kissing each other until I needed to feel her skin next to mine. I undressed her, taking my time to kiss each part of her exposed skin.

  “That tickles,” she said, and her giggles made me hard.

  “God you’re beautiful.”

  I watched her react to the way I touched her and studied her responses. I made a mental note of what she liked. I wanted to make her happy.

  When I entered her, she moaned my name. It was the most amazing sound. She breathed in and held her breath, staring into my eyes and we exhaled together, in sync. I never felt closer to her…to anyone ever. When we finished, I collapsed next to her and wrapped her in my arms. She let go of one last breath and snuggled up to me. We slept in each other’s arms for the rest of the night and into the morning.

  At this moment in time, I allowed myself to think everything was perfect.

  ***

  Carrington Olivia Butler

  Students were returning early from winter break. The whole student body wanted to celebrate the national championship together on our home turf. After spending the night with Josh, he dropped me off at the dorm. I unpacked, showered, and lay down, hoping to get some rest. The idea of reuniting with Josh had ended up way more stressful than the actual encounter. We enjoyed each other for the first time since before Thanksgiving.

  When I woke up, I stood up too fast, clutched the side of the bed, and sat back down. When I fell asleep, it was light outside, but now it was dark. I shuffled to the bathroom and thought about getting ready, but I needed more sleep. I crawled back into bed.

  My roommates woke me when they returned a couple of hours later with tales of their adventures in New Orleans.

  We spent the rest of the night catching up. Josh called sometime in the night, but my phone stayed off. I woke the next morning with him banging on my door.

  “Carrington,” he yelled through the door. I jumped out of bed hoping to reach him before he woke up my roommates.

  “What?” I said. I yanked open the door and he stood there with a basket of food and flowers.

  “Hey, you didn’t answer your phone, so I thought I’d come by.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Eight thirty.”

  He looked so proud and happy. I wanted to crush him but stopped myself.

  “This couldn’t wait until a more reasonable hour? We’re still on vacation, remember?”

  “I know, but we have to go now. Go get dress.” He shoved the flowers in my hand—garnet colored roses. I smelled them and smiled as I walked back into my room to get dressed.

  Josh waited for me in the lounge. He hung up his phone when I approached.

  “Hey, you look nice,” he said and leaned over to kiss me.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Follow me.”

  We headed down the elevator and out the front door. We walked across campus, and several students were heading in our same direction. They all seemed half asleep, but excited.

  We approached Doak Campbell Stadium and entered the gate.

  The impressive red brick structure sat on the edge of campus. It never failed to take my breath away. We headed down toward the field and joined the other students spread out all over, facing the big screen in the north end zone.

  Josh greeted and talked to a few of the guys as we maneuvered through the field. Jackson entered the field along with his teammates. He had a confident swagger and a huge grin plastered on his face. He was the number one player in college football. Although it was fifty degrees outside, I started to sweat watching him enjoy his moment as he made his way over to Josh and me.

  “Freaking National Champion MVP. Seriously, can you do anything wrong?” Josh asked as he and Jackson hugged.

  “Oh, come on, man. I do what I got to do,” Jackson said and turned to me. “Carrington, I didn’t know you were back on campus. It’s good to see you.”

  He bent down to hug me, and I stood on my toes to hug him back. It was our first contact in a long time and it was so freakin’ hard to let go. I thought I would feel it in the way he held me, our New Year’s Eve conversation, but I felt nothing different. As he let go, he squeezed my arm and I looked up and he winked at me and my stomach did flip flops. I looked away before Josh realized.

  Jackson let go and turned back to Josh.

  “Let’s grab a seat.” We followed Jackson into the center of the field, spread out blankets and sat down. Josh passed out the sandwiches and other snacks as the game on the big screen started.

  I watched the game, but my senses were tuned to and aware of Jackson. When he spoke to someone my ears perked up. When he reached behind me to grab something out of the cooler, I smelled him. His hair tousled when the breeze blew and we all bundled under the same blankets and the heat from his body made my head spin.

  When he cheered himself and laughed, I laughed along with him, caught up in the silliness of watching himself on film.

  At one point, Josh left.

  “Jackson—” I scooted over to him in order for him to hear me. “Where’s Josh?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Congratulations.” I wanted to tell him so much, gush over him, brag on him. Let him know I was proud of him. But congratulations was all I could mutter.

  “Thanks,” he said as he rubbed my arm with the back of his hand. The simple gesture sent a shockwave through my body, but it tore me up inside because it confirmed what I didn’t want to admit. I wanted Jackson. I felt a little better when I looked at him again and realized that he wanted me, too.

  “Hey baby,” Josh returned and pulled me out of my mind. He sat down and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned back into him, and I caught Jackson watching us. His light blue eyes darkened, and he turned away.

  The game ended, but the party continued. Josh walked me back to my dorm, and we made plans to meet up at the frat house later. They planned a special dinner for Jackson, brothers only, and it would culminate into another epic party, PKP style.

  As soon as I hit my bed, I fell asleep and slept for the rest of the day. My roommates shook me to wake me up.

  “You slept all day again,” Melinda said.

  “Are you okay? You don’t look very well,” Jessica said.

  “I’m fine. Getting over a cold,” I said. I crawled out of bed and headed to the bathroom. I passed my reflection in the mirror and stopped. A puffy face stared back at me. I touched my waist and noticed a layer of fat under my skin, I turned and my ass looked the same, but standing square to the mirror, I appeared wider.

  “Hey, have I gained some weight?” I said, pinching my cheeks.

  “A little, but you were so skinny anyway.”

  I lifted up my shirt, patted it and pinched it, again.

  A weird wave of nausea came over me, and I ran to the toilet and threw up my breakfast. My brain started flipping back, thumbing through my mental calendar.

  I gasped and slapped my hand over my mouth.

  When was the last time I’d had my period?

  When I stopped throwing up, I grabbed my coat and headed over to the frat house to find Josh.

  This can’t be happening.

  Besides the first time, we always used protection. That was two and a half months ago.

  More and more students were arriving back on campus and a party broke out in every frat house I passed. It was late—ten o’clock. Their dinner ended at eight, and I thought Josh would have checked on me, but the last time we spoke was when he dropped me back off at my dorm this morning.

  When I arrived at the frat house, it was filled with two hundred of their closest friends. It reminded me of the first party of the year.