“Sir!” replied I, with astonishment, “O dear! what have I done?”

  The captain fixed his keen eyes upon me, so that they appeared to pierce me through, and nail me to the wall. “Do you pretend to say, sir, that you were not aware of the character of the person with whom you were walking just now?”

  “No, sir,” replied I, “except that she was very kind and good-natured;” and then I told him how she had addressed me, and what subsequently took place.

  “And is it possible, Mr Simple, that you are so great a fool?” I replied that I certainly was considered the greatest fool of our family. “I should think you were,” replied he, dryly. He then explained to me who the person was with whom I was in company, and how any association with her would inevitably lead to my ruin and disgrace.

  I cried very much, for I was shocked at the narrow escape which I had had, and mortified at having fallen in his good opinion. He asked me how I had employed my time since I had been at Portsmouth, and I made an acknowledgment of having been made tipsy, related all that the midshipmen had told me, and how I had that morning fought a duel.

  When I had finished, he said, “Mr Simple, I can no longer trust you on shore until you are more experienced in the world. I shall desire my coxswain not to lose sight of you until you are safe on board of the frigate.”

  Altogether I did not feel sorry when it was over. I saw that the captain believed what I had stated, and that he was disposed to be kind to me, although he thought me very silly. The coxswain, in obedience to his orders, accompanied me to the Blue Post. I packed up my clothes, paid my bill, and the porter wheeled my chest down to the Sally Port, where the boat was waiting.

  “Come, heave a-head, my lads, be smart. The captain says we are to take the young gentleman on board directly. His liberty’s stopped for getting drunk and running after the Dolly Mops!”

  “I should thank you to be more respectful in your remarks, Mr Coxswain,” said I with displeasure.

  “Mister Coxswain! thanky, sir, for giving me a handle to my name,” replied he. “Come, be smart with your oars, my lads!”

  “La, Bill Freeman,” said a young woman on the beach, “what a nice young gentleman you have there. He looks like a sucking Nelson. I say, my pretty young officer, could you lend me a shilling?”

  I was so pleased at the woman calling me young Nelson, that I immediately complied with her request. “I have not a shilling in my pocket,” said I, “but here is half-a-crown, and you can change it, and bring me back the eighteen-pence.”

  “Well you are a nice young man,” replied she, taking the half-crown; “I’ll be back directly, my dear.”

  The men in the boat laughed, and the coxswain desired them to shove off.

  “No,” observed I, “you must wait for my eighteen-pence.”

  “We shall wait a devilish long while, then, I suspect. I know that girl, and she has a very bad memory.”

  “She cannot be so dishonest or ungrateful,” replied I. “Coxswain, I order you to stay — I am an officer.”

  “I know you are, sir, about six hours old; well then, I must go up and tell the captain that you have another girl in tow, and that you won’t go on board.”

  “O no, Mr Coxswain, pray don’t; shove off as soon as you please, and never mind the eighteen-pence.”

  The boat then shoved off, and pulled towards the ship, which lay at Spithead.

  Chapter Five.

  I am introduced to the quarter-deck, and first lieutenant, who pronounces me very clever — Trotted below to Mrs Trotter — Connubial bliss in a cock-pit — Mrs Trotter takes me in, as a messmate.

  On our arrival on board, the coxswain gave a note from the captain to the first lieutenant, who happened to be on deck. He read the note, looked at me earnestly, and then I overheard him say to another lieutenant, “The service is going to the devil. Here’s another of the fools of a family made a present of to the country — another cub for me to lick into shape. Well, I never saw the one yet I did not make something of. Where’s Mr Simple?”

  “I am Mr Simple, sir,” replied I, very much frightened at what I had overheard.

  “Now, Mr Simple,” said the first lieutenant, “observe and pay particular attention to what I say. The captain tells me in this note that you have been shamming stupid. Now, sir, I am not to be taken in that way. I have looked attentively at your face and I see at once that you are very clever, and if you do not prove so in a very short time, why — you had better jump overboard, that’s all. Perfectly understand me. I know that you are a very clever fellow, and having told you so, don’t you pretend to impose upon me, for it won’t do.”

  I was very much terrified at this speech, but at the same time I was pleased to hear that he thought me clever, and I determined to do all in my power to keep up such an unexpected reputation.

  “Quarter-master,” said the first lieutenant, “tell Mr Trotter to come on deck.”

  The quarter-master brought up Mr Trotter, who apologised for being so dirty, as he was breaking casks out of the hold. He was a short, thickset man, about thirty years of age, with a nose which had a red club to it, very dirty teeth, and large black whiskers.

  “Mr Trotter,” said the first lieutenant, “here is a young gentleman who has joined the ship. Introduce him into the berth, and see his hammock slung. You must look after him a little.”

  “I really have very little time to look after any of them, sir,” replied Mr Trotter, “but I will do what I can. Follow me, youngster.” Accordingly, I descended the ladder after him; then I went down another, and then to my surprise I was desired by him to go down a third, which, when I had done, he informed me that I was in the cock-pit.

  “Now, youngster,” said Mr Trotter, seating himself upon a large chest, “you may do as you please. The midshipmen’s mess is on the deck above this, and if you like to join, why you can; but this I will tell you as a friend, that you will be thrashed all day long, and fare very badly; the weakest always goes to the wall there, but perhaps you do not mind that. Now that we are in harbour, I mess here, because Mrs Trotter is on board. She is a very charming woman, I can assure you, and will be here directly; she has just gone up into the galley to look after a net of potatoes in the copper. If you like it better, I will ask her permission for you to mess with us.” I had scarcely time to reply, when I perceived a pair of legs, cased in black cotton stockings, on the ladder above us, and it proved that they belonged to Mrs Trotter, who came down the ladder with a net full of smoking potatoes.

  “Upon my word, Mrs Trotter, you must be conscious of having a very pretty ankle, or you would not venture to display it, as you have to Mr Simple, a young gentleman whom I beg to introduce to you, and who, with your permission, will join our mess.”

  “My dear Trotter, how cruel of you not to give me warning; I thought that nobody was below. I declare I’m so ashamed,” continued the lady simpering, and covering her face with the hand which was unemployed.

  “It can’t be helped now, my love, neither was there any thing to be ashamed of. I trust Mr Simple and you will be very good friends. I believe I mentioned his desire to join our mess.”

  “I am sure I shall be very happy in his company. This is a strange place for me to live in, Mr Simple, after the society to which I have been accustomed; but affection can make any sacrifice; and rather than lose the company of my Trotter, who has been unfortunate in pecuniary matters—”

  “But, my dear,” interrupted Mr Trotter, “is it not time to look after our dinner?”

  “Yes; I am going forward for it now. We have skewer pieces today Mr Simple, will you excuse me?” — and then, with a great deal of flirtation and laughing about her ankles, and requesting me, as a favour, to turn my face away, Mrs Trotter ascended the ladder.

  As the reader may wish to know what sort of looking personage she was, I will take this opportunity to describe her. Her figure was very good, and at one period of her life I thought her face must have been very handsome; at the time I was introduced to her, it showed the ravages of time or hardship very distinctly; in short, she might be termed a faded beauty, flaunting in her dress, and not very clean in her person.

  “Charming woman, Mrs Trotter, is she not, Mr Simple?” said the master’s mate; to which of course I immediately acquiesced. “Now, Mr Simple,” continued he, “there are a few arrangements which I had better mention while Mrs Trotter is away, for she would be shocked at our talking about such things. Of course, the style of living which we indulge in is rather expensive. Mrs Trotter cannot dispense with her tea and her other little comforts; at the same time I must put you to no extra expense — I had rather be out of pocket myself. I propose that during the time you mess with us, you shall only pay one guinea per week; and, as for entrance money, why I think I must not charge you more than a couple of guineas. Have you any money?”

  “Yes,” I replied, “I have three guineas and a half left.”

  “Well, then, give me the three guineas, and the half guinea you can reserve for pocket-money. You must write to your friends immediately for a further supply.”

  I handed him the money, which he put in his pocket. “Your chest,” continued he, “you shall bring down here, for Mrs Trotter will, I am sure, if I request it, not only keep it in order for you, but see that your clothes are properly mended. She is a charming woman, Mrs Trotter, and very fond of young gentlemen. How old are you?”

  I replied that I was fifteen.

  “No more! well, I am glad of that, for Mrs Trotter is very particular after a certain age. I should recommend you on no account to associate with the other midshipmen. They are very angry with me, because I would not permit Mrs Trotter to join their mess, and they are sad storytellers.”

  “That they certainly are,” replied I; but here we were interrupted by Mrs Trotter coming down with a piece of stick in her hand, upon which were skewered about a dozen small pieces of beef and pork, which she first laid on a plate, and then began to lay the cloth, and prepare for dinner.

  “We have but a poor dinner to-day,” said Mrs Trotter, “for the bum-boat woman disappointed me. I particularly requested her to bring me off a leg of lamb, but she says that there was none in the market. It is rather early for it, that’s true, but Trotter is very nice in his eating. Now let us sit down to dinner.”

  I felt very sick, indeed, and could eat nothing. Our dinner consisted of the pieces of beef and pork, the potatoes, and a baked pudding in a tin dish. Mr Trotter went up to serve the spirits out to the ship’s company, and returned with a bottle of rum.

  “Have you got Mr Simple’s allowance, my love?” inquired Mrs Trotter.

  “Yes, he is victualled to-day, as he came on board before twelve o’clock. Do you drink spirits, Mr Simple?”

  “No, I thank you,” replied I, for I remembered the captain’s injunction.

  “Taking, as I do, such an interest in your welfare, I must earnestly recommend you to abstain from them,” said Mr Trotter. “It is a very bad habit, and once acquired, not easy to be left off. I am obliged to drink them that I may not check the perspiration after working in the hold: I have, nevertheless, a natural abhorrence of them; but my champagne and claret days are gone by, and I must submit to circumstances.”

  “My poor Trotter!” said the lady.

  “Well,” continued he, “it’s a poor heart that never rejoiceth.” He then poured out half a tumbler of rum, and filled the glass up with water.

  “My love, will you taste it?”

  “Now, Trotter, you know that I never touch it, except when the water is so bad that I must have the taste taken away. How is the water to-day?”

  “As usual, my dear, not drinkable.” After much persuasion, Mrs Trotter agreed to sip a little out of his glass. I thought that she took it pretty often, considering that she did not like it, but I felt so unwell that I was obliged to go on the main-deck.

  I went to bed very tired; Mr Trotter had my hammock hung up in the cock-pit, separated by a canvas screen from the cot in which he slept with his wife. I thought this very odd, but they told me it was the general custom on board ship, although Mrs Trotter’s delicacy was very much shocked by it. I was very sick, but Mrs Trotter was very kind. When I was in bed she kissed me, and wished me good night, and very soon afterwards I fell fast asleep.

  Chapter Six.

  Puzzled with very common words — Mrs Trotter takes care of my wardrobe — A matrimonial duet, ending “con strepito.”

  I awoke the next morning at daylight with a noise over my head which sounded like thunder; I found it proceeded from holy-stoning and washing down the main-deck. I was very much refreshed nevertheless, and did not feel the least sick or giddy. Mr Trotter, who had been up at four o’clock, came down and directed one of the marines to fetch me some water. I washed myself on my chest, and then went on the main-deck, which they were swabbing dry. Standing by the sentry at the cabin door, I met one of the midshipmen with whom I had been in company at the Blue Posts.

  “So, Master Simple, old Trotter and his faggot of a wife have got hold of you — have they?” said he. I replied, that I did not know the meaning of faggot, but that I considered Mrs Trotter a very charming woman. At which he burst into a loud laugh. “Well,” said he, “I’ll just give you a caution. Take care, or they’ll make a clean sweep. Has Mrs Trotter shown you her ankle yet?”

  “Yes,” I replied, “and a very pretty one it is.”

  “Ah, she’s at her old tricks. You had much better have joined our mess at once. You’re not the first greenhorn that they have plucked. Well,” said he, as he walked away, “keep the key of your own chest — that’s all.”

  When he left me I went on the quarter-deck. All the sailors were busy at work, and the first lieutenant cried out to the gunner, “Now, Mr Dispart, if you’re ready, we’ll breech these guns.”

  “Now, my lads,” said the first lieutenant, “we must slue (the part the breeches cover) more forward.” As I never heard of a gun having breeches, I was very anxious to see what was going on, and went up close to the first lieutenant, who said to me. “Youngster, hand me that monkey’s tail.” I saw nothing like a monkey’s tail; but I was so frightened that I snatched up the first thing that I saw, which was a short bar of iron, and it so happened that it was the very article which he wanted. When I gave it to him, the first lieutenant looked at me, and said, “So you know what a monkey’s tail is already, do you? Now don’t you ever sham stupid after that.”

  Thought I to myself, I’m very lucky, but if that’s a monkey’s tail it’s a very stiff one!

  I resolved to learn the names of every thing as fast as I could, that I might be prepared, so I listened attentively to what was said; but I soon became quite confused, and despaired of remembering anything.

  “Mr Chucks,” said the first lieutenant to the boatswain, “what blocks have we below — not on charge?”

  “Let me see, sir, I’ve one sister, t’other we split in half the other day, and I think I have a couple of monkeys down in the store-room. — I say, you Smith, pass that brace through the bull’s eye, and take the sheepshank out before you come down.”

  “And, Mr Chucks, recollect this afternoon that you bleed all the buoys.”

  Bleed the boys! thought I, what can that be for? at all events, the surgeon appears to be the proper person to perform that operation.

  This last incomprehensible remark drove me off the deck, and I retreated to the cock-pit, where I found Mrs Trotter. “O my dear!” said she, “I am glad you are come, as I wish to put your clothes in order. Have you a list of them — where is your key?” I replied that I had not a list, and I handed her the key, although I did not forget the caution of the midshipman; yet I considered that there could be no harm in her looking over my clothes when I was present. She unlocked my chest, and pulled every thing out, and then commenced telling me what were likely to be useful, and what were not.

  “Now, these worsted stockings,” she said, “will be very comfortable in cold weather, and in the summer time these brown cotton socks will be delightfully cool, and you have enough of each to last you till you outgrow them; but as for these fine cotton stockings, they are of no use — only catch the dirt when the decks are swept, and always look untidy. I wonder how they could be so foolish as to send them; nobody wears them on board ship now-a-days. They are only fit for women — I wonder if they would fit me.” She turned her chair away, and put on one of my stockings, laughing the whole of the time. Then she turned round to me and showed me how nicely they fitted her. “Bless you, Mr Simple, it’s well that Trotter is in the hold, he’d be so jealous — do you know what these stockings cost? They are of no use to you, and they fit me. I will speak to Trotter, and take them off your hands.” I replied, that I could not think of selling them, and as they were of no use to me and fitted her, I begged that she would accept of the dozen pairs.

  We had beef-steaks and onions for dinner that day, but I could not bear the smell of the onions. Mr Trotter came down very cross, because the first lieutenant had found fault with him. He swore that he would cut the service. He drank glass of grog after glass of grog, and at each glass became more violent; and Mrs Trotter drank also, I observed, a great deal more than I thought she ought to have done; but she whispered to me, that she drank it that Trotter might not, as he would certainly be tipsy. I thought this very devoted on her part; but they sat so late that I went to bed and left them — he still drinking and vowing vengeance against the first lieutenant. I had not been asleep above two or three hours, when I was awakened by a great noise and quarrelling, and I discovered that Mr Trotter was drunk and beating his wife. Very much shocked that such a charming woman should be beaten and ill-used, I scrambled out of my hammock to see if I could be of any assistance, but it was dark, although they scuffled as much as before. I asked the marine, who was sentry at the gun-room door above, to bring his lantern, and was very much shocked at his replying that I had better go to bed and let them fight it out.