“Now, then, for the wind up, McShane.”

  “Courting’s very expensive, especially when you order postchaises for nothing at all, and I was very nearly at the end of my rhino; so I said to myself, ‘McShane, you must retrench.’ And I did so; instead of dining at the coffee-house, I determined to go to an eating-house, and walked into one in Holborn, where I sat down to a plate of good beef and potatoes, and a large lump of plum-pudding, paid 1 shilling and 6 pence, and never was better pleased in my life; so I went there again, and became a regular customer; and the girls who waited laughed with me, and the lady who kept the house was very gracious. Now, the lady was good-looking, but she was rather too fat; there was an amiable look about her, even when she was carving beef; and by degrees we became intimate, and I found her a very worthy creature, and as simple-minded as a child, although she could look sharp after her customers. It was, and is now, a most thriving establishment — nearly two hundred people dine there every day. I don’t know how it was, but I suppose I first fell in love with her beef; and then with her fair self; and finding myself well received at all times, I one day, as she was carving a beefsteak-pie which might have tempted a king for its fragrance, put the question to her, as to how she would like to marry again. She blushed, and fixed her eyes down upon the hole she had made in the pie, and then I observed that if there was a hole in my side as big as there was in the pie before her, she would see her image in my heart. This pretty simile did the business for me, and in a month we were married; and I never shall want a dinner as long as I live, either for myself or friend. I will put you on the free list, O’Donahue, if you can condescend to a cook’s shop: and I can assure you that I think I have done a very wise thing, for I don’t want to present any wife at Court, and I have a very comfortable home.”

  “You have done a wise thing, in my opinion, McShane — you have a wife who makes money, instead of one who spends it.”

  “And, moreover, I have found my bargain better that I anticipated, which is seldom the case in this world of treachery and deceit. She has plenty of money, and is putting by more every year.”

  “Which you have the control of, at your disposition, do you mean to say?”

  “Why, yes, I may say that now; but, O’Donahue, that is owing to my circumspection and delicacy. At first starting, I determined that she should not think that it was only her money that I wanted; so, after we were married, I continued to find myself, which, paying nothing for board and lodging and washing, I could easily do upon my half-pay; and I have done so ever since, until just now.”

  “I had not been married a week before I saw that she expected I would make inquiries into the state of her finances, but I would not. At last, finding that I would not enter into the business, she did, and told me that she had 17,000 pounds Consols laid by, and that the business was worth 1,000 pounds per annum (you may fish at Cheltenham a long while, O’Donahue, before you get such a haul as that). So I told her I was very glad she was well off, and then I pretended to go fast asleep, as I never interfered with her, and never asked for money. At last she didn’t like it, and offered it to me; but I told her I had enough, and did not want it; since which she has been quite annoyed at my not spending money; and when I told her this morning that there was a brother officer of mine arrived in town, to whom I had owed some money for a long while, she insisted upon my taking money to pay it, put a pile of bank-notes in my had, and was quite mortified when she found I only wanted 20 pounds. Now you see, O’Donahue, I have done this from principle. She earns the money, and therefore she shall have the control of it as long as we are good friends; and upon my honour, I really think I love her better than I ever thought I could love any woman in the world for she has the temper, the kindness, and the charity of an angel, although not precisely the figure; but one can’t have everything in this world; and so now you have the whole of my story, and what do you think of it?”

  “You must present me to your wife, McShane.”

  “That I will with pleasure. She’s like her rounds of beef — it’s cut and come again; but her heart is a beauty, and so is her beefsteak-pie — when you taste it.”

  Chapter Eleven.

  In which an Interchange and Confidence take place.

  “And now, O’Donahue,” said McShane, “if you are not yet tired of my company, I should like to hear what you have been doing since we parted: be quite as explicit, but not quite so long-winded, as myself; for I fear that I tired you.”

  “I will be quite as explicit, my good fellow; but I have no such marvellous adventures to relate, and not such a fortunate wind up. I have been to Bath, to Cheltenham, to Harrogate, to Brighton, and everywhere else where people meet, and people are met with, who would not meet or be met with elsewhere. I have seen many nice girls; but the nice girls were, like myself, almost penniless; and I have seen many ill-favoured, who had money: the first I could only afford to look at — the latter I have had some dealings with. I have been refused by one or two, and I might have married seven or eight; but, somehow or other, when it came near the point, the vision of a certain angel, now in heaven, has risen before me, and I have not had the heart or the heartlessness to proceed. Indeed, I may safely say that I have seen but one person since we parted who ever made the least impression on me, or whom I could fancy in any degree to replace her whom I have lost, and she, I fear, is lost also; so we may as well say no more about it. I have determined to marry for money, as you well know; but it appears to me as if there was something which invariably prevents the step being taken; and, upon my honour, fortune seems so inclined to balk me in my wishes, that I begin to snap my fingers at her, and am becoming quite indifferent. I suffer now under the evil of poverty; but it is impossible to say what other evils may be in store if I were to change my condition, as the ladies say. Come what will, in one thing I am determined — that if I marry a girl for money, I will treat her well, and not let her find it out; and as that may add to the difficulty of a man’s position when he is not in love with his wife, why, all I can say is, Captain O’Donahue doesn’t go cheap — that’s decided.”

  “You’re right, my jewel; there’s not such a broth of a boy to be picked up every day in the week. Widows might bid for you, for without flattery, I think you a moral of a man, and an honour to Old Ireland. But O’Donahue, begging your pardon, if it’s not a secret, who may have been this lady who appears to have bothered your brains not a little, since she could you forget somebody else?”

  “I met her at the Lakes of Cumberland, and being acquainted with some of the party, was invited to join them. I was ten days in her company at Windermere, Ambleside, Derwentwater, and other places. She was a foreigner, and titled.”

  “Murder and Irish! you don’t say so?”

  “Yes; and moreover, as I was informed by those who were with her, has large property in Poland. She was, in fact, everything that I could desire — handsome, witty, speaking English and several other languages, and about two or three and twenty years old.”

  “And her name, if it’s no offence to ask it?”

  “Princess Czartorinski.”

  “And a princess in the bargain? And did you really pretend to make love to a princess?”

  “Am not I an Irishman, McShane? and is a princess anything but a woman, after all? By the powers! I’d make love to, and run away with, the Pope himself; if he were made of the same materials as Pope Joan is said to have been.”

  “Then, upon my faith, O’Donahue, I believe you — so now go on.”

  “I not only made love to her, but in making love to her, I got most terribly singed myself; and I felt, before I quitted her, that if I had ten thousand a-year, and she was as poor as my dear Judith was, that she should have taken her place — that’s the truth. I thought that I never could love again, and that my heart was as flinty as a pawnbroker’s; but I found out my mistake when it was too late.”

  “And did she return you the compliment?”

  “That I was not indifferent to her, I may without vanity believe. I had a five minutes alone with her just before we parted, and I took that opportunity of saying how much pain it was to part with her, and for once I told the truth, for I was almost choking when I said it. I’m convinced that there was sincerity in my face, and that she saw that it was there; so she replied, ‘If what you say is true, we shall meet at Saint Petersburg next winter; good-bye, I shall expect you.’”

  “Well, that was as much as to say, come, at all events.”

  “It was; I stammered out my determination so to do, if possible; but I felt at the time that my finances rendered it impossible — so there was an end of that affair. By my hopes of salvation, I’d not only go to Saint Petersburg, but round the whole world, and to the north pole afterwards, if I had the means only to see her once more.”

  “You’re in a bad way, O’Donahue; your heart’s gone and your money too. Upon my soul, I pity you; but it’s always the case in this world. When I was a boy, the best and ripest fruit was always on the top of the wall, and out of my reach. Shall I call to-morrow, and then, if you please, I’ll introduce you to Mrs McShane?”

  “I will be happy to see you and your good wife, McShane; health and happiness to you. Stop, while I ring for my little factotum to let you out.”

  “By the bye, a sharp boy that, O’Donahue, with an eye as bright as a hawk. Where did you pick him up?”

  “In Saint James’s Park.”

  “Well, that’s an odd place to hire a servant in.”

  “Do you recollect Rushbrook in my company?”

  “To be sure I do — your best soldier, and a famous caterer he was at all times.”

  “It is his son.”

  “And, now I think of it, he’s very like him, only somewhat better-looking.”

  O’Donahue then acquainted McShane with the circumstances attending his meeting with Joey, and they separated.

  The next day, about the same time, McShane came to see his friend, and found O’Donahue dressed, and ready to go out with him.

  “Now, O’Donahue, you mustn’t be in such a hurry to see Mrs McShane, for I have something to tell you which will make her look more pretty in your eyes than she otherwise might have done upon first introduction. Take your chair again, and don’t be putting on your gloves yet, while you listen to a little conversation which took place between us last night, just before we dropped into the arms of Murfy. I’ll pass over all the questions she asked about you, and all the compliments I paid you behind your back: because, if I didn’t, it would make you blush, Irishman as you are; but this she did say, — that it was great kindness on your part to lend me that money, and that she loved you for it; upon which I replied, I was sorry you were not easy in your mind, and so very unhappy: upon which she, in course, like every woman, asked me why; and then I told her merely that it was a love-affair, and a long story, as if I wished to go to sleep. This made her more curious, so, to oblige her, I stayed awake, and told her just what you told me, and how the winter was coming on and you not able to keep your appointment. And what d’ye think the good soul said? ‘Now,’ says she, ‘McShane, if you love me, and have any gratitude to your friend for his former kindness, you will to-morrow take him money enough, and more than enough, to do as he wishes, and if he gains his wife he can repay you; if not, the money is not an object.’ ‘That’s very kind of you, dearest,’ said I; ‘but then will you consent to another thing? for this may prove a difficult affair, and he may want me with him; and would you have any objection to that, dearest?’ for you see, O’Donahue, I took it into my head that I might be of the greatest use to you: and, moreover, I should like the trip, just by way of a little change. ‘Couldn’t he do without you?’ replied she, gravely. ‘I’m afraid not; and although I thought I was in barracks for life, and never to leave you again, yet still for his sake, poor fellow, who has been such a generous fellow to me—’ ‘An’ how long would you be away?’ said she. ‘Why, it might be two months at the most,’ replied I; ‘but who can tell it to a day?’ ‘Well,’ said she, ‘I don’t like that part of the concern at all; but still, if it is necessary, as you say, things shouldn’t be done by halves,’ and then she sighed, poor soul. ‘Then I won’t go,’ says I. ‘Yes,’ says she, after a pause; ‘I think it’s your duty, and therefore you must.’ ‘I’ll do just what you wish, my soul,’ replied I; ‘but let’s talk more about it to-morrow.’ This morning she brought up the subject, and said that she had made up her mind, and that it should be as we had said last night; and she went to the drawer and took out three hundred pounds in gold and notes, and said that if it was not enough, we had only to write for more. Now ain’t she a jewel, O’Donahue? and here’s the money.”

  “McShane, she is a jewel, not because she has given me money, but because her heart’s in the right place, and always will be. But I really do not like taking you away with me.”

  “Perhaps you don’t think I’d be of any use?”

  “Yes; I do not doubt but that you will be, although at present I do not know how.”

  “But I do, for I’ve thought upon it, and I shall take it very unkind if you don’t let me go with you. I want a little divarsion; for you see, O’Donahue, one must settle down to domestic happiness by degrees.”

  “Be it so, then; all I fear is, I shall occasion pain to your excellent wife.”

  “She has plenty to do, and that drives care away; besides, only consider the pleasure you’ll occasion to her when I come back.”

  “I forgot that. Now, if you please, I’ll call and pay my respects, and also return my grateful thanks.”

  “Then, come along.”

  Captain O’Donahue found Mrs McShane very busily employed supplying her customers. She was, as McShane had said, a very good-looking woman, although somewhat corpulent: and there was an amiability, frankness, and kindness of disposition so expressed in her countenance, that it was impossible not to feel interested with her. They dined together. O’Donahue completely established himself in her good graces, and it was agreed that on that day week the gentlemen should embark for Hamburg, and proceed on to Petersburg, Joey to go with them as their little valet.

  Chapter Twelve.

  An Expedition, as of Yore, across the Waters for a Wife.

  The first step taken by O’Donahue was to obtain a passport for himself and suit; and here there was a controversy, McShane having made up his mind that he would sink the officer, and travel as O’Donahue’s servant, in which capacity he declared that he would not only be more useful, but also swell his friend’s dignity. After a long combat on the part of O’Donahue, this was consented to, and the passport was filled up accordingly.

  “But, by Saint Patrick! I ought to get some letters of introduction,” said O’Donahue; “and how is that to be managed — at all events to the English ambassador? Let me see — I’ll go to the Horse Guards.”

  O’Donahue went accordingly, and, as was always the case there, was admitted immediately to an audience with the Commander of the Forces. O’Donahue put his case forward, stating that he was about to proceed on a secret mission to Russia, and requested his Royal Highness to give him a few letters of introduction. His Royal Highness very properly observed, that if sent on a secret mission, he would, of course, obtain all the necessary introductions from the proper quarters, and then inquired of O’Donahue what his rank was, where he had served, etcetera. To the latter questions O’Donahue gave a very satisfactory reply, and convinced the Duke that he was an officer of merit. Then came the question as to his secret mission, which his Royal Highness had never heard of. “May it please your Royal Highness, there’s a little mistake about this same secret mission; it’s not on account of government that I’m going, but on my own secret service;” and O’Donahue, finding himself fairly in for it, confessed that he was after a lady of high rank, and that if he did not obtain letters of introduction, he should not probably find the means of entering the society in which she was to be found, and that as an officer who had served faithfully, he trusted that he should not be refused.

  His Royal Highness laughed at his disclosure, and, as there was no objection to giving O’Donahue a letter or two, with his usual good-nature he ordered them to be written, and having given them to him, wished him every success. O’Donahue bowed to the ground, and quitted the Horse Guards, delighted with the success of his impudent attempt.

  Being thus provided, the party set off in a vessel bound to Hamburg, where they arrived without any accident, although very sea-sick; from Hamburg they proceeded to Lübeck, and re-embarked at Travemünde in a brig, which was bound for Riga; the wind was fair, and their passage was short. On their arrival they put up at an hotel, and finding themselves in a country where English was not understood, O’Donahue proceeded to the house of the English consul, informing him that he was going on a secret mission to Petersburg, and showing, as evidences of his respectability and the truth of his assertions, the letters given him by his Royal Highness. These were quite sufficient for the consul, who immediately offered his services. Not being able to procure at Riga a courier who could speak French or English, the consul took a great deal of trouble to assist them in their long journey to Petersburg. He made out a list of the posts, the number of versts, and the money that was to be paid; he changed some of O’Donahue’s gold into Russian paper-money, and gave all the necessary instructions. The great difficulty was to find any carriage to carry them to the capital, but at last they found an old cabriolet on four wheels which might answer, and, bidding adieu to the consul, they obtained horses, and set off.