But that wasn’t enough. I needed more. But I was too afraid to get it.

  I grew numb. I started to forget who I was. How much physical connection mattered to me. Because it was something I felt I couldn’t have, it was easier to pretend I never wanted it in the first place. That it was just a childish phase that I eventually grew out of. Other people aren’t like this, so I don’t need to be. That’s what I thought. But I wasn’t other people. I was me. I couldn’t live like them.

  Sometimes, I thought that my mother would be better off if she didn’t have to worry about me. If I wasn’t there, she wouldn’t have had to work so hard. If she didn’t have to work so hard, she would have time to find love for herself. I loved her. I wanted her to be happy. She deserved to find love for real this time. If only she didn’t have to worry about me.

  The child support payments were good. The only reason she worked as hard as she did was for my future. But I didn’t have a future. I couldn’t have a future when I couldn’t even remember who I was. I was barely living. She was working herself to death for someone who was already dead. If only she didn’t have to worry about me...

  Around then, I started spending time in darker corners of the internet. I met a lot of people like me. People who felt like they didn’t have a future. People who felt like they had nothing. Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I thought I could save them. And by doing so, save myself. If they only had someone to talk to, they wouldn’t have nothing.

  But nothing as beautiful as that happened. Someone would stop messaging me and I would know that their suicide attempt had probably succeeded this time. Every once in a while, I’d receive an image from someone of fresh wounds on their thigh. Maybe my username carved into their arm. A suicide note that ended with the words ‘thank you.’

  I don’t know why I kept trying. Maybe that was my own form of self-harm. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t save them. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe they had the courage to die because they knew someone would remember them fondly. Maybe it was my fault...

  But these people were going through things beyond what I could understand. It gave me perspective. It might have saved me. They showed me the depths of their despair. They showed me the emptiness of their void. They showed me that there are too many tragedies in this world. That I had to write a different story. A beautiful story. One of love and triumph.

  If only my mother didn’t have to worry about me.

  I knew it wasn’t true. She could only keep living because she had me. She could only work so hard because she had me. She relied on me the way I relied on her. So if I left, her life wouldn’t be better. It was good that I had someone in my life who loved me so much. And I knew her hard work wasn’t in vain. Even if I couldn’t support myself with money alone, having that stability was important. It would open up opportunities for me. It would help me avoid being financially dependent on someone else. I was lucky. Maybe there are people out there who truly have nothing. But I wasn’t one of them. I couldn’t say that I had nothing. I could keep living. So I had to keep living. For all of the people that couldn’t.

  I think that change in mindset helped a lot. I was able to recognize what I had. But it was still hard. I was still depressed. I was still too afraid to seek out physical connection. But I stopped telling myself I didn’t want it. I stopped telling myself I would never have it. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I had hope that the future would be better. My life was starting to improve. Slowly.

  One day, I was running late for school. I was in such a rush that I wasn’t looking where I was going. I didn’t want to be late because my attendance was already so bad. I had to graduate. And I crashed into a boy standing at the bottom of the stairs. My precious phone case got all scratched up. But maybe it was fate. Maybe this was my chance to make a connection with someone in real life.

  He was a guy, so of course he misunderstood. But he seemed harmless. He seemed ‘good.’ He was cute. I may have gotten too emotional. I may have showered him with all of my pent-up thoughts. And when I hugged him, I remembered. I remembered how good it felt. I wanted to give him a chance. It was better than going back to nothing. And then he turned out to be someone I knew online. I already loved him, so maybe things would work out.

  My story became intertwined with his.

  And my story continued...

  14 - Afterwards

  I listened to her story.

  I learned who she was.

  She cried multiple times.

  And I did whatever she wanted to make her feel better.

  She went to an all-girls school? I can see that. Sometimes it shows in her mannerisms and vocabulary, although the years of online gaming have tempered it. That mixture of well-bred lady and gamer-girl gremlin is part of what makes her so cute, though...

  ...

  So she’s asexual but she likes it in fiction...

  ...

  That’s probably who ‘he’ was. I completely misunderstood. I made a lot of assumptions.

  ...

  I could relate to her having to move. I had to leave behind all my elementary school friends once. Yes, I had friends back then. No super close friendships, but I talked to the people in my class. I played with them every school day.

  So suddenly going to a different school was tough. Especially because it was towards the end of the final year of school. I didn’t make any new friends at my new school. They all already had established friend groups.

  But in middle school I was able to start over fresh. I did make friends with the boy who sat next to me. Our names both had the same character in them, so it felt kind of like fate. Yeah, back then I considered him my friend. What changed?

  Better not think about that too hard.

  Anyway, I didn’t think that could really compare with what she went through, so I didn’t share it.

  ...

  What about me? Am I like those guys? I don’t want to be, but I am trying to push the relationship in a certain direction, aren’t I? I don’t want to do anything that would make her uncomfortable, though...

  ...

  It’s hard to be a girl.

  I thought about that again.

  I knew that.

  Even so...

  ...

  I thought she was a completely different type of weirdo than me, but we’re actually pretty similar. In some ways.

  She was strong. That’s what I thought. Stronger than I could ever be. I didn’t know how she could expose herself to that much of other people’s suffering and still keep going. I didn’t even want to think about it. Even if they were my worst enemy, it would fuck me up if someone I knew killed themselves. Even I wouldn’t be able to forget that.

  Well...

  ...

  “I don’t know how you handled that stuff.”

  “I think it gave me perspective. That in the grand scheme of things, I didn’t have it that bad. Some people have nothing, or almost nothing. I was able to recognize how lucky I was because of it. I wouldn’t recommend doing what I did, though. It only worked out because I’m a weirdo. I think it would drive any normal person mad.”

  “Probably.”

  Just thinking about what would drive someone to do something like that... Has anything that bad ever happened to me?

  I didn’t need to think about it to know the answer.

  No. Of course not.

  Then why do I feel like shit all the time? Why does it feel like things are impossible for me?

  Because you refuse to acknowledge who you are.

  Because you don’t want it to be true.

  15 - More Than Friends

  “I want to sleep with you. Can I spend the night?”

  Those words could be easily misinterpreted by anyone unfamiliar with Haruhi’s situation. But I know her. I know what she meant. I understand their significance.

  She loves people. But she loves her mother the most. She trusts her the most. And she sleeps with her mother.

  So to stay here and sleep with me instead of her mother...

  She loves me. She trusts me. She feels comfortable with me. She wants to be with me as much as she can, even when she’s unconscious.

  It feels like too much.

  I don’t deserve that much trust. I don’t deserve that much affection. Whatever image of me she has in her mind is too beautiful. Whatever she expects, I can’t live up to. Whatever she wants, I can’t give.

  However, maybe I can try.

  “As long as your mother is okay with it.”

  Haruhi nodded.

  “I thought it might happen, so I already got permission and came prepared—I left my bag with extra clothes and stuff in Fuyu-chi’s room.”

  She thought it might happen...

  “If you went home first, then why are you still in your school uniform?”

  She looked down at herself.

  “It’s got a certain vibe, you know?”

  That’s true. I had thought the same thing earlier, although our idea of what that ‘vibe’ was was probably different.

  Haruhi, Fuyuko, and I played video games together like when she came over before. We made dinner together like we made lunch before—which was delicious, of course. Then, things got a little different. I took a bath first, and then Haruhi and Fuyuko took a bath together. I don’t know what went down in there, but I’m sure Fuyuko had a much better time than when we bathed together.

  After that, Haruhi and I played video games together until bedtime. She was already wearing her pajamas and smelled freshly of soap, so I may have been a little distracted. That’s definitely why I lost so much—no other reason. It wasn’t like she was actually better at video games than me—I was just distracted. Yeah. That’s why I suggested we play a co-op game instead. Playing together would be more fun than an uneven stomp. It had nothing to do with our skill levels. I was just playing with a disadvantage.

  I had avoided thinking about it up until now, but this was going to be hard for me, wasn’t it? Sleeping together with Haruhi.

  A pajama-clad Haruhi had her arms around me.

  Better not think about it too hard.

  My mental performance is at an all-time low.

  Then she spoke up.

  “Can we talk?”

  “Sure.”

  Maybe that will distract me.

  “Thank you for the advice you gave me earlier. Really thinking about my life and putting it all into words gave me a better understanding of myself and what I want. I feel a lot better now.”

  It’s actually Chiaki’s advice but I’m not going to bring that up again right now.

  “That’s good. I’m glad I could help.”

  “I’ve also been thinking about what you want... Do you want me to stop touching you? Does it still make you uncomfortable?”

  “...I don’t want you to stop.”

  She hugged me tighter.

  “As for what I want... I don’t know how much my life is going to change once I start going to university. We won’t be able to be together like this all the time anymore, so I want to make the most out of the time I have before I graduate. I love you, so what I want the most right now is just to be with you.”

  “!”

  A physical and mental overload. Goodbye thoughts.

  “...”

  “That kind of sounds like a confession.”

  “Maybe it is...”

  “!!”

  “I may not feel sexual attraction to people, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have a special relationship with someone. Something more than just friends.”

  “!!!”

  “We wouldn’t have to change anything about the way we act with one another. We could just call it something different. Think about it differently.”

  “...”

  “Do you not want that...?”

  “I think...I would like that.”

  “That makes me happy.”

  “That’s good. I want to make you happy.”

  “I also want to make you happy.”

  “...”

  “...”

  “So, what exactly is our relationship now? We’re more than friends, so does that mean we’re dating? Like boyfriend and girlfriend?”

  “Mhm, I guess so....”

  Girlfriend, huh...

  “Although...”

  “Hm? What is it...?”

  She sounded concerned at how I might finish my sentence.

  “We won’t really be able to keep this up after you graduate, will we? I don’t think this can really work long-distance...”

  Her arms tightened around me.

  “That’s true...we’ll probably have to break up...”

  I guess I kind of ruined the mood, huh...

  I was already thinking about the end of the relationship...

  “Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, right?”

  “Yeah... Depending on how things go, maybe we can make it work...”

  She didn’t sound very confident.

  16 - Weekend Dates

  I woke up.

  I could feel someone else in bed with me. At some point during the night, Haruhi must have let go of me and rolled over to face away from me. She wasn’t touching me anymore, but I could still feel the warmth of her body and hear the sound of her breathing. That was lucky for me, though, because it meant it should be easier for me to get out of bed without disturbing her.

  I really had to go to the toilet.

  After relieving myself, I slipped back into bed. It was a lazy Saturday morning—it wasn’t like I had anything else to do. When I did, Haruhi rolled over to face me, still half asleep. Her hair was disheveled, her eyes half open, and there was a little bit of drool dripping from her mouth.

  “Mm?”

  There was only one way to describe her.

  “Beautiful.”

  She blinked a few times to wake herself up.

  “Hmh??”

  “I love you.”

  I just felt like saying that. She said it to me all the time and she was my girlfriend now, so it wasn’t weird or anything. It was normal.

  She blinked a few more times before muttering something.

  “...You’re weird.”

  “Sorry for being weird.”

  She wrapped her arms around me and snuggled up close.

  “It’s okay. I’m weird too.”

  “Mhm.”

  She was.

  She squeezed me.

  “And you’re my weirdo.”

  I am.

  I am hers. I am a part of her now.

  I like that.

  However, I feel like there’s still a certain asymmetry in our relationship, like when we first met. I feel like a part of her. But I can’t say that she feels like a part of me...

  Better not think about it too hard.

  I don’t want to ruin this peaceful morning.

  Haruhi and I were now walking across town, arm in arm.

  After Fuyuko left for her date with Yuriko, Haruhi suggested we go on a date ourselves. I had no reason to refuse, so we were on our way to a restaurant that Haruhi often went to. Both she and her mother were regulars there.

  Haruhi was holding onto my right arm like usual. Not just ‘the usual,’ but the advanced version, with our fingers laced and her head on my shoulder. It was fundamentally the same thing that we always did, and yet for some reason, it felt so different. All we did was change what we called our relationship—the only change was in our minds—and yet that’s all it took to become something completely different.

  Before, I might have been embarrassed to walk around in public like this because people might mistake us for a couple. But I guess we are a couple now, so I don’t really care what other people think about us. Have I become a normie already? Am I one of those people that acts all lovey-dovey with their partner in public with no regard for the people around them?

  I’m sorry for turning my back on all of my lonely brethren so quickly.

  The restaurant turned out to be a cheap hole-in-the-wall ramen place. It wasn’t a glamorous date spot, but that felt fitting for our relationship. For the price, the food was outstanding—I understood why Haruhi came here as often as she did. Haruhi had a rapport with the owner so they ended up chatting, and I had to introduce myself as her boyfriend at one point, and he’d said this:

  ‘Take good care of her, all right?’

  Who are you, her dad?

  It was kind of awkward, but it also felt nice for someone to know me only as her boyfriend.

  When it came time to pay, Haruhi insisted on paying for herself.

  ‘I don’t want to rely on you.’

  It was only a few hundred yen—it wasn’t that big of a deal. But I understood—she had her principles.

  After we ate, we took a stroll in a nearby park—an actual park, not the glorified playground I usually went to. While we were there, we came across Shuusuke and Shinoyama having a picnic.

  A picnic? In winter? Wouldn’t be me, but you do you.

  Wasn’t the point of a picnic to enjoy the nice weather? Although, even during the warmer months I would prefer to be inside anyway, so maybe they just weren’t for me in general.

  A picnic together with Haruhi, though...?

  Shuusuke waved us over.

  “You two on a ‘platonic outing’?”

  Haruhi spoke up first.

  “Actually, we’re on a date.”

  It’s not like there was any reason to hide it from them.

  Shuusuke shot me a look.

  “I thought you two weren’t dating, dude?”

  “We weren’t, but now we are. Things change.”

  It’s that simple.

  Shinoyama smiled brightly at Haruhi.

  “That’s terrific news. Truthfully, when we were alone during our ‘get-together,’ Akio confided in me about his feelings. I’m delighted to hear that his worries were all for naught.”