Her gaze was unwavering.

  “So?”

  I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had maneuvered myself into a slightly better position now, though.

  I opened up my schoolbag, took out the chocolate bag, and removed the piece containing her feelings.

  “You just want me to know your feelings, right? You don’t need an answer?”

  She nodded.

  “That’s all I want. My feelings aren’t asking for an answer—they are the answer.”

  Whatever that means.

  I lifted the chocolate to my mouth and took a very cautious nibble.

  It was bitter.

  Very bitter.

  It looked like dark chocolate, but I was not prepared for that.

  I put the chocolate back in the bag.

  “I’m not going to be able to eat all of this one either.”

  She sighed.

  “I understand, you must have a lot of ladies vying for your attention. You don’t have any room to spare for some long-forgotten side character. It must be hard being the protagonist.”

  I don’t know if it’s quite like that.

  It really seemed like she was holding a grudge over this whole thing.

  “Umm, is this your way of trying to get revenge, or something?”

  Shinoyama laughed.

  “Revenge? This is too tepid to be called revenge. Trust me, you would know if I was getting revenge on you—the taste of my revenge is not something you would soon forget.”

  I don’t really trust you, but I feel like that’s probably true.

  I bowed my head slightly.

  I would have bowed deeper, but...

  You really are being paranoid.

  “You know, I don’t remember what happened back then, but I’m really sorry for whatever it was. I know it’s much too late, but that’s all I can do.”

  I really was sorry. Was it my fault that she was this way?

  She shook her head.

  “It was nothing. Really, it was nothing. It was more her fault than anything else. At least you know how to apologize—that’s more than any of them ever did.”

  “Who?”

  She frowned.

  “But I’m still unsatisfied. She was able to convey her feelings to you. However, I don’t know if I was able to fully convey my feelings to you. I was hoping that you would eat it all—I made it bite-sized and everything...”

  She’s ignoring me again...

  “Sorry to disappoint you—I’ve already had my fill of chocolate today.”

  I ate Fuyuko’s, Yuriko’s, Haruhi’s, and Chiaki’s chocolates as an after-lunch dessert, so it wasn’t a lie.

  “There are some things that can’t be conveyed through words. I really think that eating the rest of it would be the best way—it’s best to not leave things unfinished, right?”

  “Can’t you convey your feelings some other way?”

  She cocked her head.

  “Why? Why won’t you just eat it?”

  It was like Ayaka had come back.

  She reminded me of Ayaka in a lot of ways.

  “I think if I eat any more, I’ll get sick.”

  Shinoyama curled a lock of her unnaturally blonde hair around her finger.

  “Well, we wouldn’t want that now, would we?”

  “Of course not. So, I would prefer if we could resolve this some other way.”

  She sighed.

  “I’m not so sure about that...”

  “What?”

  I don’t quite get what she’s trying to say.

  “I think that you would prefer to eat it—but I don’t know you, so that’s your decision.”

  Don’t leave that up to me—I don’t like making decisions. What if I make the wrong one?

  I’d already committed to this route, so it only made sense to see it through to the end.

  “I want to do things some other way.”

  She took a deep breath.

  “Let it be known that I gave you the choice—you wanted to do this the hard way.”

  Reina thrust her arm out towards me.

  I sidestepped the box cutter, escaping with only a tear in my sleeve, before putting some distance between us.

  I wasn’t very athletic, but I did have good reflexes thanks to Fuyuko’s training.

  Fuyuko’s training?

  Now wasn’t the time to get distracted.

  Shinoyama hadn’t moved at all and was holding a pose that made her look like a fencer. She slowly turned her head towards me. It seemed like she wasn’t in a hurry since the element of surprise was already gone.

  “I guess your observational skills aren’t as bad as I thought they were.”

  “Thanks.”

  After I handed her back the box cutter, she never put it away. She kept it behind her back the entire time. That was why I got up to get a drink of water—if she had attacked me while I was still sitting on the swing, I wouldn’t have been able to dodge it. Maybe I had been a little paranoid, but better safe than sorry, right? And look where we were now...

  Although, she must have taken that opportunity to extend the blade while she was far enough away that I couldn’t hear it. So, we both gained something from me stepping away.

  She returned to a standing position.

  “I wasn’t planning on killing you, you know? Honestly. I don’t like getting my hands dirty. I just wanted to teach you a lesson. They usually do the rest themselves, but that’s not my fault.”

  “...”

  I thought about running away, but that wasn’t an option. I was proud of my reflexes, but not so much my stamina. I wouldn’t be able to outrun her—I got winded just from playing with my little sister.

  I had to stand and fight. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know her attack patterns. I didn’t have a second life. But I’d done this countless times in Sokeri. I had to use all of the information I had at my disposal. I had to use all of the tools I had at my disposal. I had to do something. I had to survive.

  Because...

  Because of her.

  6 - Showdown (Conversation)

  Obviously, I was at a disadvantage. Reina was the only one with a real weapon—although it’s not like I would be able to hurt her even if I had a weapon—so I had to stay out of her range. All she had to do was advance on me and I would be forced to back up. If she backed me up against something or I tripped, it would be over.

  Luckily, I knew this park well, so I had a good mental map of the layout. My memory of events and people may have been bad, but I was good at mentally mapping out areas—that was one of the fun parts of FARMSOFT games.

  Shinoyama kept walking towards me, her pace steady and slow. She was in no hurry—she was playing with her prey.

  “All you had to do was follow the script, you know? Just say your lines. Just play your role. But you couldn’t be satisfied with that, could you? You just had to try and change your fate.”

  “I know that...”

  She was backing me up towards the swing set. I needed to be careful not to back into one of the swings.

  I couldn’t count on the help of any passersby. Despite being in the middle of a residential area, nobody ever seemed to come by this park.

  Of course, that’s part of the setting. Nobody ends up here without intending to.

  As we drew closer to the swings, I kept my head towards her and glanced to the side to catch the swings in my peripheral vision. She took that brief moment to charge forward. I grabbed onto the chains of one of the swings and flung it in her direction before putting some more distance between us. She was forced to stop her advance to sidestep the swing.

  “Hmm...not bad.”

  I caught the swing as it swung back in my direction.

  For now, I can play around the swings. If she tries to approach me, I could swing at her again. Of course, that wouldn’t work if she came around the side, but in that case I could just circle around the opposite side. Then, we could start moving in the opposite direction which would give me more room to work with.

  “Why did you show me your box cutter? And the chocolate? It’s like you were trying to warn me.”

  That’s been bothering me.

  “I guess foreplay is a foreign concept to you? You’ve never heard of foreshadowing? Symbolism? Setup and payoff? That’s what a story is all about, isn’t it? Or do you only care about the climax? I feel sorry for your girlfriend—”

  Hey. If I ever have sex, I’m going to play with so many fores!

  “—I wanted you to look back on your life and regret not noticing sooner. Despair at how if you had only realized that something was wrong sooner, things might not have turned out like this.”

  She remained in place, probably planning her next approach. I was also planning my next move.

  I guess my goal should be disarming her—but how?

  If I was going to disarm her, I would probably have to get close. But that would put me within her range. If I could temporarily stun her...

  “Why are you doing this? It can’t just be because of something so minor as whatever I did.”

  “Minor?! Do you think that people’s feelings are minor?! That their hearts are just something you can play around with?!”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  I know that...

  She took a deep breath and appeared to calm down.

  “But you’re not entirely wrong. Comparatively, what you did was minor. You were merely the first. And because of that, you’ll be the last!”

  “!”

  She charged straight at me. I flung the swing at her again. I had thought that the threat of swing would force her to circle around, but it didn’t. She pushed off the ground to launch herself into the air and gracefully passed in between the chains of the swing. I was so surprised by her daring move that I was slow to react.

  She landed and immediately leaped at me, her right arm outstretched. I dodged to the right.

  Even if things didn’t go entirely as planned, we were moving in the opposite direction now. This was better than before.

  I could use my schoolbag as a weapon, but I don’t want to hurt her. Even though she’s trying to hurt me, I still don’t want to hurt her.

  Fuyuko said before that I was too nice. That I shouldn’t keep putting other people before myself. I don’t think it’s quite like that. It’s not that I’m below them; I just don’t think I’m above them. We’re on the same level. Equals. So I have no right to exert my will over them.

  I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to cause anyone discomfort. I don’t want to do anything that they wouldn’t want me to.

  Is that so bad?

  She picked up the pace and made a series of attacks that I kept backstepping. The advantage of not fighting back was that I could just keep moving backwards—there was no reason for me to stay in range for a counterattack.

  “Yeah, just keep running. You can’t run forever.”

  “I know that...”

  She wants to hurt me. That’s her will. I don’t want her to hurt me. That’s my will. But they contradict one another. So if I can’t exert my will over her, then she will over me. That’s not fair—I end up on the bottom anyway!

  But that’s who I am. I can’t do what they do. Ayaka and Shinoyama both act for themselves. They do what they want regardless of the consequences. Although, they are distinctly different. Ayaka likes to push boundaries and isn’t afraid of how other people feel about that, but I feel like she would draw the line at physically hurting someone—she isn’t entirely selfish. Shinoyama seems to have no qualms about that...

  More attacks, more dodges. I was growing tired.

  But despite Ayaka’s forcefulness, I still liked her, right? She lived in a way that I didn’t entirely agree with, but I could tell that she meant well. I thought she was a good person, so I couldn’t hate her.

  Do I not mean well? Am I not good? No one would fault me for defending myself by any means necessary in this situation. Any normal person would have done that instantly.

  But I’m not normal. I’m the only idiot that would hesitate.

  I wasn’t going to get anywhere like this. Maybe Fuyuko was right when she said I put other people before myself.

  Yeah, she was always right.

  “Thinking about your girlfriend in your final moments?”

  “Something like that.”

  “She doesn’t actually love you, you know? She simply wants something from you and thinks you can provide it. You aren’t necessary to her. What’s on the inside is irrelevant to her. She doesn’t know. She can’t know. You’d do well to stay away from people like that—they only want to take from you.”

  I know that...

  I needed to go on the offensive at some point, but I needed to consider a few more options first.

  I thought about force-feeding her the chocolate if I ended up in a situation where that was possible. But I wasn’t going to do that if I didn’t know what it was capable of. Even though she was trying to kill me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I killed her—I couldn’t live with myself anyway, but still. I didn’t want her blood on my hands. I didn’t want anyone to die.

  Besides the chocolate, I also had notebooks and other school supplies in my bag. I could have thrown those at her, but she could have just knocked them away. They weren’t heavy enough to be useful.

  But there was one other thing I had. Something I had prepared for this moment. In addition to the water I bought at the vending machine, I also purchased a can of hot coffee. It probably wasn’t hot anymore, just warm, but I felt like a faceful of warm coffee would still be plenty disorienting. And because it was liquid, she couldn’t knock it away.

  After thoroughly considering my options, I had a plan of attack. One thing I needed to be careful of was her other box cutter. She said the one she was using was her backup. So she should have another one on her that was easier for her to get to. She could have been lying about that, but better safe than sorry.

  While continuing to keep my distance from her, I unzipped my bag, pulled out the warm can of coffee, and unscrewed the lid.

  “I know you said you didn’t want anything, but I got you something from the vending machine. My treat.”

  “How gentlemanly.”

  She was clearly on guard.

  “...”

  I didn’t actually think about how I would catch her off guard. If she stayed far enough away from me, she could react quickly enough to dodge it. We were kind of at a stalemate. But this was advantageous for me because I was backing up out of the playground. I could just keep walking backwards down the street and eventually we might have bumped into someone who could help me. I would have preferred not to get anyone else involved, but I didn’t have much of a choice.

  Shinoyama knew she had to make a move, so she charged at me. “From the very beginning until ‘The End,’ this is my story. I’m not going to let anyone else decide it’s ending. It’s going to end the way I want it to. I’m certain of that!”

  I swung my schoolbag to knock the box cutter out of her hand and then splashed the coffee in her face. While she was disoriented, I grabbed her by the wrists.

  “Got you.”

  That went surprisingly well.

  “My my, so you finally grew a pair.”

  I wish I hadn’t. That was probably when my life started going downhill.

  When I play fought with Fuyuko, she kicked me in the shin to get out of a similar situation. But I was prepared for that, so I wasn’t going to flinch.

  Shinoyama’s leg came up between my legs and kneed me right in the crotch.

  I crumpled to the ground. But before my back was even on the ground, Shinoyama was already on top of me, pinning both of my arms to the ground with one of her hands.

  Yeah, I was an idiot. Fuyuko hadn’t been fighting me to win. This was clearly the optimal move in that situation.

  She was surprisingly strong. Or maybe I was just surprisingly weak.

  The other box cutter appeared in her hand.

  Click.

  “You’re going to pay for splashing your hot stuff all over a lady’s face like that.”

  Click.

  No comment.

  Click.

  She brought the blade of the box cutter to my throat.

  “I genuinely wasn’t planning on killing you, you know? But I might have to if you don’t give me a good reason not to.”

  “I have someone I love who would be very sad if I died.”

  She pressed the blade slightly into the soft flesh of my neck and leaned in close.

  “You don’t know the first thing about love, so let me teach you a lesson.”

  7 - A Lesson in Love

  What you’re talking about isn’t love. That’s a crush.

  You’re in love with the idea of her. Of what she could be. You want to get closer to her. You want to get to know her better. You want to find out if she is actually someone you can love. But that’s not love.

  You can’t actually love someone unless you know them. But you know what? You can never fully know someone. Your heart will always drown in doubt.

  It’s impossible to know anyone.

  So you can never love anyone.

  All you can do is crush on them for the rest of eternity.

  Perhaps growing infinitesimally, asymptotically closer to loving them.

  But never reaching it.

  You can’t.

  It’s impossible.

  This is true of everyone.

  Always.

  Which means: No one can ever know anyone.

  Which means: No one can ever love anyone.

  Which means: No one can ever know you.

  Which means: No one can ever love you.

  The only person you can know in this world is yourself.

  The only person you can trust in this world is yourself.

  The only person you can love in this world is yourself.

  The only way you can live in this world is selfishly.

  You’re in love with the idea of love.

  But love is a lie. It can’t exist.

  A beautiful lie. An unattainable daydream.

  Many are tempted by its siren song. But it will always lead you astray.