I didn’t want to say mean things.

  I didn’t want to make people feel bad.

  I wanted to say nice things.

  I wanted to make people happy.

  I didn’t want to make him cry again.

  I wanted to be the kindest little sister. The cutest little sister. The perfect little sister.

  I wanted him to love me again.

  I’m not always successful, but I try.

  That was a formative memory for me.

  I don’t think he even remembers it. I tried to apologize for it once and he didn’t even know what I was talking about. Or maybe he was just pretending because he didn’t want to talk about it.

  He’s always forgetting things. I think he just has a poor memory. Everyone is different, after all.

  But.

  I think that some things he chose to forget because they were too painful to remember.

  I’ve never forgotten. It’s because of that that I was able to change. So if he forgets...

  13 - Changes of Heart

  *****

  I know he won’t change on his own, so I wanted to help him. But I just made him hate me again. That’s the last thing I wanted. But I can’t change myself. Not actually. Not who I really am. The least I can do is change him. I want him to be able to live.

  I’m so hypocritical.

  I’m so conceited.

  I’m so arrogant.

  I’m so judgmental.

  I’m so annoying.

  ...

  I’m so worthless.

  I felt something wrap around me.

  Someone was embracing me.

  They pulled me close, and gently patted me on the head.

  Who was it?

  Had Yuriko come to comfort me?

  No, her body didn’t feel like this.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “...”

  It couldn’t be Onii-chan. He hated me. He would never do something like this of his own volition.

  “I love you.”

  “...”

  It couldn’t be Onii-chan. He didn’t love me.

  “I’m sorry for being such a worthless big brother.”

  It couldn’t be Onii-chan. He wasn’t my big brother?

  *****

  I’d seen her cry before. Most recently was when we watched PriCare. Unlike most things, I remembered that day clearly. It was so fun for both of us. And at the end, she cried in my arms. They were bittersweet, nostalgic tears. There was sadness in them, but they were ultimately gentle and happy.

  These tears were different. There was no trace of happiness, just pure sadness. That might be too light of a description. They were hopeless. They were ugly.

  Her eyes were no longer looking at me, but instead gazed emptily at nothing. She had retreated completely into her own mind.

  Her face contorted, helplessly trying to hold the tears back. But they overflowed, a burning reminder of her unseen thoughts.

  I...I went too far.

  I shouldn’t have said that.

  I knew she was insecure about that.

  I didn’t actually want to hurt her.

  I knew she was right.

  And I was afraid.

  So I did the only thing I could do—I ran away.

  I redirected all my pain onto someone else.

  Obviously, there’s no way to do that without hurting the other person.

  I really am dumb.

  I can’t hate my little sister.

  She loves me too much.

  I love her too much.

  She cried in my arms for a while before speaking up.

  “Promise me you’ll always love me?”

  “I promise. I don’t deserve a little sister as good as you.”

  “I’m just paying back the favor. I never deserved a big brother as kind as you back then. Family should support each other, right? So will you tell me?”

  I know it’s the right thing to do. I know this route is a bad end already. Maybe if I never made this stupid wish, I would have a chance at a good end. I don’t believe it, but that’s the only chance I have.

  I don’t want to die, but that was always the plan anyway. I’m just moving it up a little bit.

  But I’ll leave the final decision up to her, because I’m a coward.

  “Do you really want to know?”

  “Of course I want to know.”

  Let it be known that I gave her the choice—my little sister wanted me to kill myself.

  So it wasn’t my fault.

  I told her about my encounter with Nozomi. About how I wished for girls to fall in love with me. And everything I knew about how it worked.

  *****

  I pushed him away.

  “Onii-chan, you’re an idiot.”

  “That’s why I’m correcting my mistake! It would be best for everyone if I had never made that wish.”

  “You don’t know what’s best for anyone! You aren’t correcting your mistakes—you’re just using that as an excuse to run away again! To avoid thinking about it anymore. To avoid the consequences of your actions.”

  “I just don’t want to change anyone’s heart...”

  “And how are you going to do that?”

  “Huh?”

  “You’re always going to change people’s hearts regardless of what you want. Magic or no.”

  “I guess that’s technically true, but this is different. You saw how attached Haruhi became to me. That’s not normal.”

  “How do you know that? Do you know how strong of an effect this ‘accumulation’ is? Do you know how much magic resistance she might have? She might not be affected at all, like me. You just assume that there’s no way anyone could ever love you that much. But it doesn’t seem all that strange to me.”

  “That’s...”

  “Also, this is all working off of the assumption that what Mayoi said is true. Do you believe everything she says just because she exists on a higher plane than you? She clearly likes to toy with people for fun, so it’s likely that she isn’t telling you the whole truth.”

  “Hey now, I don’t take kindly to being called a liar.”

  As soon as I saw her, I knew.

  She was my enemy.

  “Go away.”

  Yes ma’am.

  *****

  Fuyuko could be seriously terrifying sometimes. It looked like she had just evaporated Nozomi with a glare.

  But she was right. I didn’t know those things. I couldn’t say that I was making this choice with perfect information. That it was the right choice. I just wanted to believe it was.

  Then, I became the target of her glare.

  “I’m not going to let you keep running away.”

  Luckily, I didn’t evaporate.

  “I...”

  Her expression softened.

  “Onii-chan, I’ve known you my entire life. I’ve loved you my entire life. The Onii-chan I know wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. So if you’re hurting other people this much, I know you must be hurting yourself even more. If there’s anything that’s troubling you, you can tell me.”

  The Onii-chan you knew doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t know if I killed him or he killed himself, but I took over his body. I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t pretend to be him. I can’t even pretend to be human. I tried. I’m not anything. I’m not anyone.

  I have his memories.

  I live in his house.

  I sleep in his bed.

  I talk to his little sister.

  I go to his school.

  People call me by his name.

  Who else could I be if not for him?

  But he doesn’t feel like me.

  I don’t feel like him.

  Then who am I?

  What am I?

  “It’s nothing...”

  But I couldn’t say any of that.

  What could she do about it?

  She wouldn’t be able to understand.

  It would only be a burden on her to know.

  She sighed.

  “I didn’t want to resort to this...”

  She started unbuttoning her shirt.

  I looked away.

  “What do you think you’re doing?!”

  “I know it’s not nothing! If you just have to have the real deal. If nothing will satisfy you but your little sister’s flesh. Then so be it! I don’t want to, but I’ll do anything for you!”

  “I don’t want that! That’s not it!”

  “I’m serious. You don’t have to deny it. If you want to, I will. If it will save your life, I will.”

  “I’m not denying it! It won’t save my life either! Put your clothes back on!”

  “Fine.”

  I could hear her buttoning her shirt back up.

  “Why does everyone think I have a sister complex...”

  “Because you won’t tell anyone what the problem actually is! It’s obvious to everyone that something’s troubling you, but how are we supposed to know what it is if you don’t tell us?”

  I can’t.

  Some things are just forbidden.

  Off-limits.

  Taboo.

  Untouchable.

  I’m not allowed.

  “You wouldn’t understand. It’s better this way.”

  “It’s not better! It hurts me more if you don’t talk to me! Because then I can’t do anything about it! And I want to help you! Because I love you!”

  “There’s nothing that you can do to help me.”

  She sighed.

  “That might be true. Ultimately, you have to help yourself. But I can help you help yourself. I can support you.”

  I can’t.

  “...”

  She reached her hand out towards me.

  “You can trust me. You can tell me anything.”

  I can’t.

  Don’t say those words.

  “...”

  “I’ll never forgive you.”

  “...”

  “I’ll never forgive you.”

  “...”

  “I’ll never forgive you.”

  “...”

  She clenched her hand into a fist and dropped it to her side, looking defeated.

  “...I guess you really are dumb. Fine. Run away again. Turn your back on your little sister!”

  That’s all I can do.

  That’s all anyone should expect from me.

  “...”

  The door was right behind me.

  All I had to do was turn around and leave.

  I’d forget any of this ever happened.

  It wouldn’t be my problem anymore.

  ...

  I really am the worst.

  ...

  I turned on my heel.

  I turned my back on my little sister.

  And came face-to-face with myself.

  14 - Face Yourself

  *****

  Back when we took a bath together, he didn’t look in the mirror.

  I’m sure he knows—that sadness in his eyes.

  That’s why he doesn’t want to look in the mirror anymore. Because he doesn’t want to see it.

  But I have to see it.

  Every time I look at him, I have to see it.

  Every time he looks at me, I have to see it.

  I can’t run away from it like he can.

  No matter how much it hurts him, he has to face it.

  If he doesn’t, I know that one day he will leave me.

  One day, it will be too late.

  He has to face it now.

  Onii-chan fell right into my trap—I had attached a full-length mirror to the back of my bedroom door.

  I wrapped my arms around him to hold him in place.

  “Look at yourself! This is what I have to see all the time!”

  I think he was too surprised to react.

  “You avoid looking at yourself. You avoid thinking about yourself. You avoid learning about yourself. You have to face yourself. That’s the only way things will get better. That’s the only way you’ll find your own value.”

  “...I’m worthless. Just let me go.”

  “No! I’m never going to let you go! I know you’re not worthless! I know there’s something of value in there, and I’m not going to stop digging until I’ve found it! I’m not going to allow you to let it go to waste!”

  “You won’t allow it...”

  “You have to do the rest yourself.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Even if I do, I won’t remember.”

  I squeezed him.

  “But I will.”

  “No, you won’t.”

  Tighter.

  “Yes, I will.”

  “How can you be so confident? Do you have a Contract too?”

  When I saw Mayoi earlier, I knew. Like I had already known it all along. I knew it all.

  “It’s complicated, but I will remember. You can trust me.”

  That was all he needed to know.

  Any more and his head would explode.

  “You just have to learn about yourself, then tell me what you find out. I’ll tell you again on the other side. It will all work out. I promise.”

  “You promise?”

  His voice sounded weak. It reminded me of the little boy I used to know.

  “If it doesn’t, then you can blame me. No matter what happens, it won’t be your fault. No matter what happens, it will be a good ending.”

  He nodded.

  “Okay...”

  It was like pulling teeth to get this far. But I kept pushing. I didn’t give up. And eventually, I wore him down.

  I’ve done all I can.

  The rest is up to him.

  You did a good job.

  Thanks.

  Yeah, Nozomi was always here too.

  15 - Introspection

  Learning about yourself sounds nice, but what if you learn something bad? What if you learn something that makes your life harder? What if you learn it’s not possible for you to live in this world? What are you supposed to do about that?

  So I avoided it.

  Nothing could be gained from investigating these feelings.

  It would only hurt me to think about them.

  That’s what I thought.

  But for Fuyuko’s sake, I have to.

  I have to think about myself.

  About my own story.

  And where it intertwined with others.

  Chiaki.

  She wanted me to write.

  That probably helped her in the past.

  But I stopped writing.

  I knew that if I kept writing, I would have had to confront myself.

  I would have had to put pieces of myself into the characters.

  I would have had to empathize with those pieces of myself.

  I would have had to understand what they wanted.

  I would have started to understand what I wanted.

  And I would have come to understand myself better.

  I think she wanted to teach me that.

  So that I could become a fan of myself.

  So that she could become a fan of me.

  ...

  I’m sorry for not living up to your expectations.

  Fuyuko.

  Our stories have been intertwined since the day she was born.

  She’s always loved me.

  She’s always supported me.

  She’s always tried to get me to improve myself.

  ‘Operation Buddy Buddy.’

  And now this.

  She’s always wanted what was best for me, even if I didn’t want it myself.

  But she knew what was right.

  She was always right.

  ...

  I should tell her I love her more often.

  Because I do.

  It’s the least I could do in return for everything she does for me.

  Yuriko.

  She wanted someone she could talk about her troubles with that wasn’t Fuyuko.

  I offered her advice that I really should have taken myself.

  And she offered to listen to any of my troubles in return.

  She likes girls.

  I like girls.

  That wasn’t all we had in common.

  But I don’t think I ever could have opened up to her.

  Haruhi.

  She taught me love?

  That sounds cringe, but it’s true.

  Of course, I’ve always known Fuyuko’s love.

  But Haruhi taught me about other kinds of love.

  Maybe I became a little more confident in expressing my true feelings because of her.

  Well, not confident, but I did it anyway.

  ...

  I’m really sorry I hurt you so much.

  But you won’t have to remember.

  Shinoyama.

  I still don’t know what I meant to her.

  Everything she wanted to teach me, I already knew.

  Her life was pointless.

  Tragic.

  Sensei.

  She wanted me to consider my own perspective.

  That what I considered normal was because of what I was regularly exposed to.

  Warm weather exists during the winter.

  That’s what she wanted to teach me.

  Shuusuke.

  I don’t hate him.

  I don’t think he’s a bad guy.

  We used to be good friends.

  I guess we still are.

  But we’re guy friends.

  I don’t want that kind of relationship.

  I don’t like the way he acts with me.

  I don’t like the way I act with him.

  I play the role that I feel is expected of me.

  I just slip into it when he’s around.

  And it makes me feel bad.

  That’s why I try to ignore him.

  Nozawa.

  If she really could read souls, then that would mean she could see the parts of me I had hidden away.

  That was a terrifying thought.

  She might have uncovered the parts of myself I bottled up.

  Based on how she reacted, she probably did.

  I don’t want to think about that.

  ...

  But maybe that means she could have helped me with it.

  Sensei did say she was a good girl.

  At the time, I didn’t believe it.

  Not after she reacted like that.