“Maybe for our second date we could have a spa day. Get your hair trimmed up, maybe get a manicure or something. I could do your makeup—I’ve got some foundation that should match your skin tone. Hit up a store and pick you out a cute outfit. I could turn you into quite the cute femboy, y’know? Then we could go out for a night on the town and see how many looks you get from guys.”

  I don’t want to be a femboy...

  More importantly—

  “It’s not a date, it’s a ‘platonic outing.’”

  *****

  This phone was reaching its limits, though. Whether I liked it or not, I would probably have to get a new phone when I left for university. I’d be apart from my mother. I’d be apart from him. And I already had to part with my best friend a long time ago. To have to abandon the artifact that contained all of my precious memories of them as well was too heartbreaking to think about.

  I could always keep this phone as a memento even after getting a new one, but I liked that it was functional. It was something I used every day. It connected me with other people. And they were always by my side the entire time. It just wouldn’t be the same if I wasn’t actually using it. In a little less than half a year, my life would completely change.

  I don’t want to think about the future anymore. It’s too scary.

  I could feel tears crawling down my face. At some point I had started crying.

  I want to see him. I want to talk to him about these anxieties. I know he will comfort me. He will tell me that my fears aren’t true. That everything will be okay. And I will believe him, because I love him. I really do.

  *****

  Ayaka pulled a can out from inside her jacket and handed it to me.

  “Try this.”

  It was alcohol. The can was in Japanese, so I knew that for sure this time.

  [Please Note: The author does not endorse drinking alcohol as a minor. Even if you are of age, please drink responsibly. Thank you.]

  I handed it back to her.

  “I’m not going to drink this.”

  She cocked her head.

  “Why not? You tried some of my root beer last night before you knew it wasn’t alcoholic.”

  “I was tired and thought it might help me fall asleep. I didn’t think it was a good idea at the time. I was just going with the flow.”

  She shrugged and grabbed the can.

  “Whatever, you square. I’m not really a big fan of alcohol, but I guess I’ll drink it.”

  Sorry for being a square...

  “You don’t even like it, yet you’ll still drink it, and even try to get me to drink it?”

  She closed her eyes.

  “There are a lot of things like that in this world...”

  “...”

  She opened her eyes and turned to me, rapping her fingers against the can.

  “You’re not going to learn if you like something or not if you never try. Are you going to wait until somebody else tells you what you’re allowed to do?”

  “I can try it when I turn twenty.”

  I know dad is looking forward to it.

  She sighed.

  “If you turn twenty.”

  “What are you implying?”

  She cracked open the can and took a swig.

  “It’s not guaranteed, y’know. You might die tomorrow. You might die next week. A month from now. A year. Two years. You never know. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. Car accident. House fire. Disease. Overdose. Suicide. Crazy stalker ex. I’ve seen ’em all.”

  “I don’t have any exes.”

  She downed another mouthful.

  “Not yet, you don’t. Not yet.”

  “That’s true...”

  Haruhi and I were destined to break up once she left for university. We had acknowledged that it was only going to be temporary when we started going out—it just wouldn’t really be the same without the physical aspect—but that would be a mutually agreed-upon end to the relationship, so she shouldn’t bear a grudge. She didn’t seem like the kind of person to do something like that, anyway.

  But you don’t actually know her, so you can’t say for sure.

  “Do you have any exes?”

  Ayaka shook her head.

  “No. I’ve never been in a relationship that I would call romantic.”

  “Oh...”

  “Dating’s not really my thing, y’know?”

  “Wait, so you’ve never been on a date before?”

  “Nope. Lucky you got to take one of my firsts! Not many of those left—unless you want to eat cereal out of my gaping asshole.”

  “Absolutely not!”

  “No takers on that one yet...”

  “And this isn’t a date!”

  “Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man. Well, if you’re too much of a puss puss to get any firsthand experience yourself, I might as well tell you about mine.”

  Sorry for being a puss puss...

  3 - Ayaka’s Story, Part 1

  I am Mimori Ayaka.

  I love my older brother.

  From the moment I was born, my parents hated me. From the moment I was born, I hated my parents. Aren’t parents supposed to love their children? Isn’t a child supposed to love their parents? So from the moment I was born, I knew the world didn’t work the way it was supposed to.

  I did love my older brother, though. My parents hated him. He hated my parents. But I loved him. I could relate to him. I was related to him. So we shared a connection. He raised me more than my parents ever did—as much as he could, anyway. He was only five years older than me, after all.

  I always looked up to him. I always thought he was cool. I always followed him around. His friends probably didn’t like it. He probably didn’t like it. I was a whole five years younger than them, after all. But I tried to fit in. I wanted to fit in.

  One thing led to another, and I started going on compensated dates. I wasn’t the most attractive girl in the world—in terms of looks or personality—but it’s not like that mattered. My youth was far more valuable.

  The money was nice. It meant I didn’t have to steal things anymore. I still did, though—I just didn’t have to. And I could buy things that you couldn’t steal.

  I always felt like multiple people. I acted differently when I was alone with my brother. I acted differently when I was around our parents. I acted differently when his friends were around. I acted differently when I was on the job. I acted differently when I was completely alone. But I liked that. I liked being different. I liked being someone else. Eventually, I would act differently even around the same people. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. It just depended on my mood. But they were all me.

  As much as I liked my job, I wanted to have sex with someone I loved for once. I knew that was the way things were supposed to be. Even though I knew the world didn’t work the way it was supposed to, I still wanted that. And I loved my brother the most. The conclusion was obvious, wasn’t it? But for some reason, even though you’re supposed to have sex with people that you love, there are some people you love that you’re not supposed to have sex with? You can love them, but you can’t love them? I loved him. I wanted to show him every side of myself.

  So why?

  Why?

  I don’t care.

  Why?

  I won’t accept that.

  Why?

  That doesn’t apply to our situation.

  Why?

  Nobody could give me an answer that I could accept.

  I don’t care about what’s ‘legal.’

  I don’t care about what ‘society’ considers acceptable.

  I don’t care about what you’ve been conditioned to believe.

  I want to know why you think so.

  Use your own brain.

  Use your own words.

  Have your own reason.

  And my story continued...

  4 - The Longest Day, Part 2

  *****

  And if I never really understood love, then maybe I haven’t understood sex either.

  I’ve had sex before. I didn’t mention it when I spilled my past to him because I felt that the specifics were irrelevant. I didn’t understand that kind of thing—that’s all that really mattered. Or, maybe, I just didn’t want to tell him.

  Either way, the rumors that were spread around the school about me were mostly true.

  I really was an easy woman that would sleep with anyone who asked her back then. I thought I loved them, and presumably they loved me too, so I didn’t see any reason to refuse. That’s what they wanted from me, so I was happy to oblige.

  But I never got anything out of it. It was kind of uncomfortable and gross and sometimes hurt. I much preferred just cuddling. Or talking. The things they said during sex were never interesting either—they were always disgusting and weird. It never felt like they actually loved me.

  Eventually I stopped, but the damage had already been done. One of the guys I slept with had just broken up with his girlfriend, and she held a grudge against me because she thought I stole him from her. I thought he broke up with her because she was controlling and annoying—he told me as much himself—but whatever the real reason was didn’t make a difference to her. That’s how she perceived the situation, and so she acted accordingly. She made my life a living hell all because of her own misunderstanding.

  I tried to clear things up, but she wouldn’t talk to me. Even when I told her what he told me, she just accused me of lying to her. She kept believing what she wanted to believe, because the alternative was that she was the one at fault.

  I hated her.

  I really did.

  I still do.

  I say I love people, that I love everyone, but that’s not really true. I don’t love people who lie. People who cheat. People who hurt others. The list goes on, but that’s the gist. I love people in general, but specific people can disqualify themselves from that love.

  I don’t want to think about her anymore.

  The point is, to me, sex was never like what I saw in fiction or heard about from other people. But maybe that’s just because I never really loved them, and they never really loved me. What was the point of sex without love?

  *****

  I don’t know what to say...

  I’m not sure she even could live a normal life with her upbringing...

  “What’s with that look on your face? You got a problem with sluts?”

  “It has less to do with the amount of sexual activity, and more to do with your choice of partners...”

  “They usually chose me.”

  “Yes, that’s part of it...”

  “So you got a problem with whores?”

  “I don’t have a problem with...sex workers, no.”

  Ayaka pointed to herself.

  “Whore.”

  “Whatever you want to call yourself...”

  “Then what is your problem? Spit it out!”

  “I have a problem with child labor!”

  She shrugged.

  “It is what it is.”

  I don’t think you can just ‘it is what it is’ that!

  “That aside, you really want to do that with your brother...?”

  She crossed her arms.

  [Please Note: The thoughts and opinions expressed by the characters are not necessarily reflective of the author’s own views, nor should they be uncritically taken as fact. Please think for yourself and form your own opinions on sensitive topics like these. Thank you.]

  “I know what I want isn’t wrong—I’m not going to let society trick me into thinking it is.”

  I admire her tenacity, at least.

  I held out my hand.

  “One sip.”

  She smiled and placed the can in my outstretched hand.

  “So you finally grew a pair.”

  I wish I hadn’t. That was probably when my life started going downhill.

  I brought the can to my lips.

  Oh yeah, this is the second indirect kiss I’ve had with Ayaka, isn’t it?

  As for the taste—

  “Blehhhh.”

  As soon as the liquid touched my tongue, I gagged.

  Bad.

  Gross.

  Not a fan.

  Ayaka laughed and pointed at me.

  “Your face is too funny!”

  I’m sorry my face is too funny...

  I held the can back out to her.

  “You happy now?”

  She smoothly grasped the can and took another swig with a smile.

  “Yeah, I’m happy. I’m glad you agreed to go on this date with me.”

  She really did seem like she was having fun.

  This wasn’t the idol, Mia. This was Ayaka.

  My heart skipped a beat.

  My head was starting to go fuzzy and I couldn’t think straight.

  “Yeah...”

  There’s no way I’m such a lightweight that I instantly got drunk off a single sip, right?

  She locked eyes with me.

  She was looking at me so intensely.

  Her eyes were pretty.

  Really pretty.

  I couldn’t look away as she gradually drew closer to me.

  “You’re not going to deny it?”

  What’s she talking about?

  “Deny what?”

  She was really close now. I could smell the alcohol on her breath.

  Gross.

  “That. This. Is. A. Date.”

  I watched her lips transfixed as she enunciated each word slowly and clearly.

  Now that I’m seeing her up close like this, I’m sure that she actually is wearing makeup. There’s no way her lips could be that luscious without some kind of lip gloss.

  Wait, what did she say?

  “Mm—?!”

  I had opened my mouth to deny it, but it was immediately sealed by Ayaka’s lips before I could utter a single word.

  Gross.

  Her mouth tasted of alcohol.

  Her tongue was so slimy.

  And yet...

  *****

  The bell rang, announcing the beginning of lunch.

  I checked my phone to see that I had a reply from him.

  ‘I’m looking forward to this evening. I want to see you.’

  I hurriedly got up from my seat and left for the courtyard.

  I want to call him.

  Ring ring.

  This will be the first time we’ve talked on the phone. We usually just message each other. The recipient can read the message whenever and respond whenever—it’s just more convenient to communicate that way.

  Ring ring.

  But I don’t really want to communicate anything to him, do I? I just want to hear his voice. There isn’t anything I actually want to say. Besides ‘I love you.’ But I tell him that all the time—it isn’t something I need to say right now.

  Ring ring.

  But I want to.

  For some reason, my heart was pounding.

  I talk to him all the time. There’s nothing to get that excited over.

  He was taking a while to pick up, though...

  Ring ring.

  Did something happen? He said he was feeling better...

  Fuyuko said that one of her friends had suddenly needed to crash at their house and that she would be available to take care of him if he needed anything, so there isn’t anything to worry about.

  Yeah, she’s there to help...

  ...

  Then the call connected.

  Immediately, I could hear labored breathing from the other side.

  “Are you okay? Are you having trouble breathing? Should I call an ambulance?”

  “No, it’s nothing...I was just...going for a run. Sorry for not...picking up faster.”

  He had to stop to breathe multiple times.

  Does he normally go for runs?

  If he says so...

  “I’m glad you’re okay.”

  I could hear him taking a deep breath.

  “Me too. So, why did you call?”

  “Umm, I just wanted to hear your voice...”

  “Nghh.”

  He let out a stifled groan.

  Is he annoyed? Am I being too clingy?

  “Am I bothering you?”

  “No, not at all—”

  He inhaled sharply.

  He sounds kind of annoyed...

  “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

  “Actually, I lied. Ngh.”

  Is he in pain?

  “Huh?”

  “I think I pulled a muscle in my leg. I thought it would go away, but it seems to be getting worse.”

  “Is it bad?”

  “Ngh. I should be fine, I just need to sit down for a bit.”

  “Is it my fault? Is it because I called you? I—”

  “It’s not your fault. It’s definitely not your fault. Please, don’t worry about that.”

  Why is he emphasizing his words like that?

  “If it’s a bad time, I can just hang up. We’ll see each other soon anyway.”

  “Ngh. That’s true. I’m really glad you called, though.”

  It doesn’t sound like it...

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I love you, so I’m happy just hearing your voice. I can’t wait for this evening. See you then.”

  The call disconnected.

  “Huh?”

  If you hang up immediately, I can’t say ‘I love you’ back, dummy.

  But...

  I’m happy. Even over the phone, I could tell he had that dumb smile on his face when he said that. So, I’m happy. I can tell him how much I love him when I see him later.

  Or—

  I sent him a message.

  ‘I love you.’

  I’m glad I talked to him. I feel much better now.

  I sure hope he’s okay, though...

  *****

  Ayaka finally removed her lips from mine.

  “You suck.”

  She had the audacity to say that after she kissed me?

  “You suck. What the hell was that?”

  She wiped her mouth with her sleeve.

  “That was an adult kiss. Was that your first?”

  “Yes, but that’s irrelevant! You shouldn’t do that kind of thing out of nowhere!”

  She shrugged.

  “What do you want me to do? Ask? Asking would spoil the mood.”

  “There was no mood!”