No. I know he loves me. Surely he does. He just needs some more time. Fuyu-chi will talk some sense into him. She’ll straighten out whatever problem he’s got. Even if he can’t trust me, he should be able to trust her.

  And then.

  Once he’s feeling better.

  He’ll come back to me.

  Right?

  I usually slept with my mother, so my bed had turned into a place to display all of my plushies instead of a place to sleep. Mom had been buying me new ones for my birthday and other occasions since I was a kid, so I had quite the collection.

  I was hugging one of my favorites, a white rabbit with long floppy ears, as I cried. I was still thinking about it. How could I think about anything else?

  It all happened so fast. I knew we were going to separate one day, but I didn’t want it to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  Well, the world doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to.

  My heart hurt so much. It was similar to the tightness in my chest I would get whenever I thought about him, or when he would say something romantic, or just whenever we were together, really. It hurt because of love—it only made sense it would feel similar.

  I knew he was a dummy, but I didn’t know he was this much of a dummy. Maybe I would go to the amusement park with Shuusuke. That seemed like it would be a fun time.

  I’ll make sure to be there for that too. That does seem like a fun time.

  Even after all this, I was still worried about him. But he’d be okay. He had Fuyu-chi. She’d be there for him. She’d always be by his side.

  I wish it could be me, though...

  She can’t hear me—I just like talking to myself sometimes.

  *****

  I was holding my daughter in my arms as she cried. I had never seen her cry so much. I knew she loved him, but not to this extent. I had been looking forward to meeting the boy who had made my daughter so happy recently.

  Now I don’t ever want to see him.

  I gently rubbed her back.

  “It’ll be okay.”

  She took a ragged breath.

  “Mhm.”

  “It’s not your fault. You’re a wonderful daughter, and a lovely woman. He’s an idiot for not recognizing that, so don’t blame yourself.”

  “I know... I don’t think it’s his fault either. I’m sure he had his reasons. I’m sure he’s hurting too. I can’t blame him.”

  “Nobody has to be to blame. It just didn’t work out.”

  “I just don’t want you to think badly of him. That would make me sad.”

  I sighed.

  She reminded me so much of myself—she was my daughter—so I didn’t want her to make the same mistakes as me.

  “I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you have to let go of the image of him you have in your head. It will only hurt you more.”

  She shook her head.

  “I still love him. And...I’m sure he still loves me too. He just needs some time after what happened...”

  “This is what I mean, you have to let it go. He made his decision. He doesn’t want to be with you anymore, for whatever reason that may be. You have to believe him when he tells you who he is. I know it’s hard, but you just have to accept that.”

  She squeezed me tighter.

  “...Mhm...”

  I continued to rub her back reassuringly.

  “All you can do now is cry it out. I’m here for you, so you don’t need to worry. I will never betray you. You can always trust me.”

  “Mhm.”

  I kissed the top of her head.

  “I’ll always love you.”

  “I know. I love you, Mom.”

  *****

  He said we could still be friends, but I don’t think I can do that. I wouldn’t be able to see him without wanting to touch him, without wanting to be connected to him. Even remaining online friends with him would just remind me of what we no longer shared.

  He will never hold me again.

  He will never tell me he loves me again.

  I will never hold him again.

  I will never tell him I love him again.

  It’s too painful.

  To know how good it can feel, and then have to go without it...

  I don’t want to think about him anymore.

  If we could never see each other again, if we weren’t going to be together for eternity, then I wish I could just forget...

  11 - Onii-chan, You’re an Idiot

  *****

  I thought I could just support him from the sidelines, but that’s not enough.

  He’s not going to grow.

  He’s not going to change.

  He’s going to leave me again.

  Again?

  Those were nightmares.

  They weren’t real.

  But they felt so real.

  Even if they weren’t real, they were true.

  So I have to do something.

  It’s my turn to become the heroine.

  No.

  That’s not what he needs.

  I’ve been too afraid of hurting him—that’s why things have never worked out.

  I knew how much he was hurting, so I didn’t want to cause him any more pain.

  But that was wrong.

  I was wrong.

  I’m going to become the villain.

  I’m going to destroy him.

  I’m going to break him.

  He has to face himself.

  It’s going to hurt.

  It always will.

  But it’s for the best.

  And, he’s lucky.

  Because I’ll be there to put the pieces back together with him.

  It will all turn out okay.

  It has to.

  So don’t hate me, okay?

  *****

  I can’t believe I did that to Haruhi.

  But that was all I could do. I never should have started going out with her in the first place. It would be better if I just stayed away from everyone. Pushed them away if I had to. That would be for the best. Being close to other people was only going to bring them pain. And I didn’t want that.

  Positive and negative always balance out to zero.

  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

  It’s just science.

  Physics.

  The law of the universe.

  It was pointless to try and fight it.

  I had forgotten that simple fact. I had started to think that I might be able to have a future. But that was wrong. It was always going to end this way. Life isn’t like a visual novel. There wasn’t a beautiful future waiting for me down every path. It might’ve been true for Haruhi, but not for me. Which girl I spent my time with didn’t matter, because I would always be the same. The route might be different, but the end would always be the same.

  I was the problem.

  So of course, this was a bad end too.

  There was something I’d been considering in the back of my mind.

  Revocation.

  If Haruhi never met me, we would never have had to break up.

  If Ayaka never met me, she never would have had false hope that I could love her.

  If Shinoyama never met me—well, she has been after me since before I made my wish, so I don’t know if that would change anything. But it might help somehow.

  And I wouldn’t have to remember any of it either.

  I don’t want to remember how much fun I had together with Haruhi.

  I don’t want to remember what it felt like to be kissed by Ayaka.

  I certainly don’t want to remember what happened with Shinoyama.

  It seems like a positive for everyone involved.

  But...

  I’m too much of a coward.

  Losing my memories would be almost the same thing as dying. I wouldn’t be me anymore—not that I want to be me, but still. It’s as incomprehensible and scary as death.

  I know it’s right.

  That would be best for everyone.

  But I just can’t do it.

  Knock, knock knock, knock.

  Fuyuko only knocked like that when she was mad...

  “Onii-chan, we need to talk. Come to my room. Now.”

  “Can’t we just talk here?”

  “You have to get outside your comfort zone sometimes.”

  After Shinoyama, I was tired of symbolism and metaphors...

  “Fine...”

  *****

  Onii-chan looked at me like I was weird.

  “Why are you dressed like that?”

  My hands were barely poking out of the sleeves of an oversized button-up shirt.

  “Guys like when girls wear oversized shirts, right?”

  “Sure, I guess... I don’t see how that’s relevant though...”

  “That’s not why I called you here. Why did you break up with Haru-chi like that?”

  He was avoiding my eyes. Although, he always did that.

  “I just did what I thought would be best for the both of us. I’m not happy about it!”

  He didn’t look happy. Although, he always looked like that—except for recently.

  “I know you love her. So why?”

  “Whether I love her or not is irrelevant. It’s complicated, okay?”

  “Does this have something to do with what happened on Valentine’s Day?”

  “She didn’t say anything that I didn’t already know...”

  “So she did say something to you.”

  He grimaced.

  “Fine, you’re right. You’re always right. It’s not complicated at all. Love isn’t real. She can’t know me, so she can’t love me. It’s simple. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  What nonsense is he babbling on about?

  “Is that what’s been troubling you? Whether you can ‘know’ someone or not is irrelevant. Whether ‘love’ is real or not is irrelevant. The result is real—you made each other happier. Whatever you want to call it, that was undeniably real.”

  He stayed silent for a moment.

  “That’s the problem—the result isn’t real...”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I told you, it’s complicated, okay? You say you love me, right? So why can’t you just trust me?”

  “It’s because I love you that I don’t trust you—I know you’re not going to do what’s right for you. But I do trust that you have your reasons. You just have to tell me the situation and we can figure things out together.”

  He sighed.

  “I can’t tell you about it...”

  “Yes, you can.”

  He glared at me.

  “No. I. Can’t. Unless you want me to die?”

  Die?

  “Why are you being so dramatic? I’m just trying to help you.”

  “Why don’t you try and mind your own business.”

  “I’m your little sister—your business is my business.”

  “Stop it.”

  “I’m the person who loves you the most in the world. I’m not going to stop, even if you tell me to.”

  “Well, I hate you, so fuck off.”

  Where did that come from?

  “I know you don’t mean that. You’re just lashing out at me.”

  “Well, you’re wrong. I genuinely can’t stand you.”

  “I know you don’t mean that. I’m always right.”

  “Like that. ‘I’m always right.’ You’re always so arrogant. You can never admit when you’re wrong. You just keep believing whatever is most convenient for you.”

  “Now you’re projecting.”

  “Shut up. I hate you.”

  I know he doesn’t mean that.

  I know it’s not true.

  I can’t see into his heart, but I know it all the same.

  However...

  If he keeps saying it...

  I might start believing it.

  And worse than that, he might start believing it too.

  Even if it’s not true.

  “I love you.”

  I know that is true.

  “I hate you.”

  I know that is not true.

  “I love you.”

  I know that is true.

  He clicked his tongue.

  “Tch, you’re so annoying...”

  I know...

  You are, aren’t you? You always have been.

  No.

  You’ve pestered him ever since you were born, of course he’d be annoyed at you.

  No.

  It’s only natural that he would hate such an annoying little sister like you.

  I know he loves me! He started saying it again the day we watched PriCare together!

  He only says that because you pressured him to.

  No!

  Because his annoying little sister insisted he say it, he said that just to placate you. He’s never meant a word of it.

  No! He meant it!

  Can you read his mind? Can you truly say that you know how he feels?

  I could see it on his face. I know he’d had a good time that day. I know he loved me.

  Can you really tell the inside of someone just by looking at the outside?

  I...

  I can’t.

  There’s always room for misinterpretation. For misunderstandings.

  He...

  He might actually hate me.

  If that’s the case...

  I couldn’t live with myself.

  12 - Fuyuko’s Story

  I am Matsuda Fuyuko.

  I love Onii-chan.

  More than Dad.

  More than Mom.

  More than Yuriko, my own girlfriend.

  More than anyone.

  More than anything.

  More than...

  Myself.

  It’s a part of my identity.

  It’s a part of who I am.

  It’s who I want to be:

  His perfect little sister.

  That is at the core of my being.

  Something untouchable.

  Something unquestionable.

  Something constant.

  Because...

  I hated myself. I couldn’t stand the way I used to be.

  No.

  I still do.

  I still am that way.

  I just suppress it.

  I try not to listen to it.

  I can’t help it. For some reason I can’t help but see what I perceive as flaws in people.

  I’m so judgmental.

  About people’s appearance.

  ‘Her hair looks like shit today.’

  About people’s intelligence.

  ‘You really need help with a problem that simple? Are you an idiot?’

  About people’s feelings.

  ‘You actually think you have a chance with me?’

  I think these kinds of things all the time.

  But I try not to say them.

  If I say them, they’ll become real.

  They’ll hurt people.

  I don’t want to say mean things.

  I don’t want to make people feel bad.

  I want to say nice things.

  I want to make people happy.

  That’s what I decided a long time ago.

  You’re running away. Just like him.

  Deep down, you know that you’re a terrible person. That no one could ever actually love you.

  All you can do is lie.

  Maybe if you lie enough, you could trick someone into loving you.

  Is a lie that makes other people happy bad?

  Is a lie that makes me happy bad?

  Is a lie that hurts nobody bad?

  I don’t think he remembers how I used to be.

  I used to be such a brat. I said mean things all the time. I was rude. Although, I still loved my brother—even though he was a crybaby.

  Because he always played with me. He didn’t mind playing the games I wanted to play. Or watching the shows I wanted to watch. He would do them all with a dumb smile on his face.

  He was so kind.

  Unlike me.

  He was empathetic.

  Unlike me.

  He cared about everyone.

  Unlike me.

  I don’t think he realized it, but he was popular with the girls in elementary school. Of course he was. He was compassionate. He was cute. And because of me, he knew all about the things that girls liked.

  One day.

  We were playing house together.

  Naturally, I was playing the role of the mommy and he the daddy. When he made a request.

  ‘I want to be the mommy,’ he said.

  And I replied, ‘No.’

  ‘Why?’ he asked.

  And I replied, ‘Boys can’t be mommies. That’s disgusting.’

  And then he cried. He cried a lot. Harder than he ever had before.

  ‘I hate you,’ he said between stifled sobs.

  ‘I hate you.’

  ‘I hate you.’

  ‘I hate you.’

  He repeated it.

  And I believed it.

  The Onii-chan I had always loved.

  The Onii-chan who had always loved me.

  He hated me.

  I didn’t know why he cared so much.

  I don’t know why he cared so much.

  But I shouldn’t have phrased it that way.

  ‘Disgusting.’

  There was no need to be so mean.

  I don’t know why I said it like that.

  It’s just...

  I didn’t want him to be the mommy. Because then wouldn’t I have had to be the daddy? I didn’t want to play that role—that wasn’t who I wanted to be.

  In hindsight, what a childish, simplistic worldview. I guess I was a child, but still.

  We could have both been mommies. Or I could have been a daughter. Or someone else. It didn’t really matter—all I really wanted was for my big brother to play with me. For us to be family. We could have both had roles that we wanted.

  But I never considered what he wanted.

  Even though I loved him so much, I only thought about myself.

  I only did what I wanted.

  And I made him cry.

  After seeing that, I knew I wanted to be different.

  I wanted to become someone else.