She pouted.

  “I think there was...”

  “Whether there was a mood or not, you shouldn’t do that with someone who’s already in a relationship!”

  She cocked her head.

  “Why not?”

  “Come on, don’t play dumb.”

  “I’m not. How does me kissing you hurt anyone? Why would it be bad?”

  “It’s cheating!”

  She cocked her head to the other side.

  “Why is cheating bad?”

  “It’s a betrayal of your relationship!”

  Her head pivoted towards her other shoulder.

  “Why?”

  “Because if you’re in that kind of relationship with someone, you’re not supposed to do that kind of thing with anyone else.”

  Again.

  “Why?”

  “Because that’s part of being in that kind of relationship...”

  Again.

  “Why?”

  “That’s just how it is!”

  She shook her head.

  “That’s not essential to a relationship. It’s just an assumption. The default. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, there’s just an arbitrary rule against it.”

  “I’m not going to argue whether the rule is arbitrary or not, but it exists.”

  She nodded.

  “That much is true, unless both parties agree to deviate from the default idea of a romantic relationship. I just think it’s silly.”

  “You can think it’s silly all you want, just don’t do it again.”

  She crossed her arms.

  “We ended up down a rabbit hole about why cheating is bad, but I don’t think that counts as cheating, anyway.”

  “How?”

  She shrugged.

  “I kissed you, right? It’s not like you kissed me. You didn’t do anything. Why would you be at fault for anything?”

  “Well...I guess that’s true. Just, don’t do it again. If I let you keep doing it, that would be cheating. That isn’t some kind of loophole.”

  She sighed.

  “If you really want, I’ll ask next time.”

  “There shouldn’t be a next time!”

  Again

  “Why?”

  This brat...

  Before I could reach out and strangle her, my phone started ringing. It was the ringtone I had set for Haruhi. This was the first time she’d ever called me.

  What does she want?

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket, but I blinked and the phone disappeared from my hand.

  Huh?

  What?

  I looked around.

  Ayaka was running as fast as she could away from me.

  ...

  She stole my phone.

  She stole my fucking phone!

  “GET BACK HERE!”

  I took off running after her.

  I managed to tackle her to the ground and get my phone back, but I hurt my leg in the process. I was in pain the whole conversation with Haruhi, and wasn’t able to enjoy it as much as I should have. Then I thought I said something cringe, so I immediately hung up.

  I didn’t get to hear her say ‘I love you’ back...

  My phone received a notification.

  ‘I love you.’

  Never mind, that’s good enough.

  I felt a little bad about lying to Haruhi, but it’s not like I was doing anything wrong. I just didn’t want to have to explain the whole situation right then and there.

  Now to deal with a certain troublemaker...

  *****

  I sighed.

  I was thinking about the time we first met. The way he tried to hit on me after he thought I was coming on to him. The way he apologized immediately afterwards.

  I giggled just thinking about it.

  It’s cute how hopeless he was back then. But that’s why I trusted him. There’s no way he could deceive anyone. He doesn’t always say what’s on his mind, but I don’t think he ever lies or withholds information with the intent to deceive.

  Then I thought about our first real date. The way he put his arm around me and told me that he wanted to see me wearing that sweater—how could I not want to buy it after that?

  Instead of going straight to his house after school, I should stop by my house and change into some of those new clothes we bought together.

  I sighed again.

  I can’t wait...

  *****

  Ayaka bowed her head slightly.

  “Sorry. I shouldn’t have taken your phone like that. Sometimes I think something would be funny and before I know it I’ve already done it, consequences be damned...”

  I didn’t know this girl could apologize.

  “Like, ‘I don’t want to be here,’ and running out of idol practice. Or ‘I want to kiss him,’ and making out with some guy I barely know. Or...y’know, some other silly thing...”

  I can’t imagine being that impulsive...

  “Anyway, I just need to sit down for a minute.”

  She lent me her shoulder and we returned to our spot under the bridge.

  “So, how was your first kiss?”

  “It sucked. Thanks for that, by the way.”

  “My first kiss sucked too. Don’t worry about it. The thing about firsts is that there is only one. Whereas there can be an arbitrarily large number of things after the first. Ultimately, the first doesn’t mean that much.”

  “Doesn’t it mean something because there’s only one of them?”

  “There’s only one second. There’s only one third. Why do you care so much about the first?”

  “That’s one way of thinking about it, but I would still prefer it to be good.”

  “Well, you can’t undo it, so the only thing you can do is try and make the next one better.”

  “I guess that’s true...”

  She leaned towards me.

  “Want to make the second one better?”

  “No.”

  She sighed.

  “Speaking of firsts. I lost my virginity under a bridge like this. It was to one of my brother’s friends.”

  “I didn’t want nor need to know that.”

  “That’s when we had the idea to do the compensated dating thing.”

  “‘We’?”

  “Yeah, it was a group effort—they would help me scout patrons and also act as bodyguards. In return, I would use my profits to help fund our activities.”

  Wasn’t that nice of them.

  “So let me get this straight—basically, your older brother and his friends pimped you out for drug money?”

  “If you want to describe it that way, you can. I prefer to think of it as me paying them back for putting up with a brat like me tagging along with them all the time. They took care of me better than my parents ever did.”

  “So more like your adoptive parents pimped you out for drug money. That actually sounds a lot worse.”

  “You make it sound like they forced me into it. It wasn’t against my will. I was the one who suggested it, and I liked doing it too. It was a win-win for everyone.”

  That smells like cope to me.

  “If you say so...”

  “I feel like you’re assuming that my brother and his friends were scumbags. You don’t even know them. I’m telling you, they were good guys. Mostly. Except for that one guy, but they beat the shit out of him and kicked him out of the group when they found out what he did.”

  “I don’t want to know.”

  *****

  Based on my experiences, I had assumed that I was asexual. But maybe I’m not. Or maybe there’s more to asexuality than I know. I should look more into that stuff.

  Either way, I’m pretty sure he wants to do that with me. I know there’s something that makes it uncomfortable for him to be around me. I’ve said that he can do whatever he wants, that all he has to do is ask, but he’s too nice. I told him I’m asexual, and because he loves me, he believes me. He doesn’t want to bring his feelings up because he thinks it would be rude. That I would hate him for even thinking about it. But that’s not true. Even if I can’t relate to the feeling, I understand that it’s natural. I wouldn’t hate him for something he couldn’t choose.

  Although, I’m being pretty hypocritical. I know he won’t bring it up himself and yet I also avoid directly talking about it. I don’t really know why. I think...I’m afraid. I’m afraid about what I will find out if we do have sex. About myself. About him. I might have more trauma from my previous sexual encounters than I first thought. It’s been a while, so maybe I’ve forgotten how bad it actually was.

  I can’t stop thinking about awful scenarios.

  I don’t want to agree to have sex with him and then have it be a horrible experience for me. Would I still be able to love him after that? What if it was a horrible experience for him? Would he still be able to love me after that? Or, and this is the worst one of all—I feel horrible for even thinking about it—but what if he turns into some kind of monster? What if I’ve never really known anything about how he actually feels? What if he doesn’t love me the way I think he does? I would be devastated. I wouldn’t be able to take it. So I’m waiting for him to talk to me about it, so I don’t have to do it myself. I don’t want it to be my fault that our relationship ends prematurely.

  I was crying again.

  I’m a horrible girlfriend for even thinking that. A horrible person. Don’t I love him? Don’t I trust him? Don’t I believe in him?

  I should, but I know he hides things from me. I know he’s not honest about how he actually feels. I don’t think he has any ill intentions. There are just some things he doesn’t want to share. That’s fine. I haven’t told him every single detail of my life either. But I can’t help but speculate about what it could be. And I can’t help but come to the worst conclusions.

  The tears kept coming.

  I don’t want to cry alone. I want him to hold me like he did when I told him about the past. I want school to be over already.

  Why is today so long?

  *****

  Ayaka sighed.

  “You always get that look on your face whenever I talk about fucking. Are you some kind of prude? Sexual intercourse is an essential part of the human experience. There’s nothing weird about it.”

  The phrase ‘sexual intercourse’ sounds so clinical compared to how she usually refers to it.

  “My girlfriend is asexual. Are you saying that she’s not human?”

  Maybe I got a little defensive.

  “Hold on, I’m not saying that. If she doesn’t want to have sex, then that’s her own experience with it. Whether you feel sexual attraction or not, the fact that it exists at all is part of the experience. One’s own relationship with it is what matters. So if she doesn’t feel that, then that’s perfectly valid.”

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s fine. I get it. You love your girlfriend, don’t you? It’s only natural you would get upset if it seemed like someone was calling her inhuman.”

  “Yeah...”

  “But I think you’re making too big a deal out of it. It doesn’t have to mean anything—it’s just another thing you can do with someone.”

  Ayaka’s phone buzzed.

  She pulled it out, scowled, then typed out a curt reply before returning it to her pocket without a word.

  “Did you get a message from your girlfriend?”

  She shook her head.

  “Not my girlfriend, no.”

  Whose was it then?

  ...

  “So, was this all you had planned?”

  “More or less, yeah. I’m satisfied, so if your leg is feeling better, we can head back.”

  *****

  Ageha-chan...

  He told me it felt weird for me to call him that IRL, but he’ll always be Ageha-chan in my mind. That’s how I knew him first. When I found out that the boy I had bumped into and Ageha-chan were the same person, the way I had been thinking of them the longest won out. The boy I had just met, ‘Akio,’ became ‘Ageha-chan.’

  A brilliant metamorphosis, don’t you think?

  I still couldn’t believe that Ageha-chan was actually a boy, though. I really thought they were a girl. Not just based on the name, but also their mannerisms and speech patterns. He did say that guys would give you free stuff if they thought you were a girl, so maybe he played it up intentionally.

  But...players can’t trade items in Meteor Witches...

  *****

  It was only the early afternoon and I was exhausted. Today had been a long day.

  Why am I even putting up with Ayaka’s antics in the first place?

  We’re too different for us to really get along. Our personalities are too different. Our perspectives are too different. Our values are too different. There isn’t anything that could come from continuing a relationship with her besides trouble. I know she can take care of herself, so why don’t I just kick her to the curb and avoid all of this trouble in the first place?

  It’s like my brain doesn’t work right around her. But it’s different than when I’m around Haruhi. Once I got past my nervousness, being with Haruhi gave me a feeling of calmness and comfort—when I wasn’t feeling disgusted at myself. Around Ayaka, however, I’m anything but.

  I heard the sound of someone trying to open my bedroom door, followed by rapid knocking.

  Knockknockknockknockknockknock.

  “Onii-chan, open up! Why is your door locked? Do you have something to hide from your little sister? If you have any pent-up frustrations, you know I can always lend a hand—that’s a little sister’s love.”

  It’s locked because I knew you would barge in here if it wasn’t...

  I cautiously unlocked the door and cracked it open.

  Ayaka seemed to be in Mia mode—she was wearing her wig and had done her makeup. Although, she wasn’t wearing her idol outfit—instead, she was wearing that oversized T-shirt again.

  Why is she dressed like that in the middle of the day? I hope she had some underwear on, at least...

  “Why are you here?”

  She posed cutely.

  “I heard one of my biggest fans wasn’t feeling well, so I came by to give them some special fan service.”

  “I’m feeling a lot better, actually.”

  I closed the door in her face.

  Knockknockknockknockknockknock.

  I opened the door again.

  “What do you want?”

  She spread her arms wide.

  “I want you, Onii-chan.”

  I closed the door in her face again.

  Knock knock.

  I opened the door again, again.

  “Last chance.”

  She started fidgeting nervously.

  “Umm, can we have a serious talk? I want your advice on something...”

  I might be dumb...

  I was now sitting on the edge of my bed with Ayaka standing in front of me.

  “So, what do you want to talk about?”

  In a pretty cute departure from her usual impishness, she was playing with the hem of her shirt.

  “Since you’re an older brother yourself, I was wondering if you had any tips on how to get my Onii-chan to fuck me.”

  Well, some things don’t change.

  “I thought this was supposed to be serious!”

  She crossed her arms and pouted.

  “I am being serious.”

  I don’t want to have this conversation.

  “Look, I don’t think I can help you with that.”

  “Just let me pick your brain for a little bit. Hypothetically, what would it take for you to fuck your little sister? A fortune large enough to never have to work a day in your life? Your own personal harem? A 108-course feast?”

  “It wouldn’t take anything!!!”

  “You would do it for free?!?!?!”

  “No! I mean I wouldn’t do it for anything! I would never do that kind of thing with my little sister!”

  “Really? Never? Y’know, when people say ‘never,’ they never actually mean never, they always mean ‘rarely.’”

  “Maybe sometimes, but I don’t think that’s always true...”

  “And when people say ‘always,’ what they really mean is ‘most of the time.’”

  “Whatever...”

  “What I’m trying to say is, can you really say you never would? What if she would die if you didn’t?”

  “What kind of situation would even cause that?!”

  “Some maniac is forcing you two to do it in order to fulfill his own incest fantasies. And he’ll kill you both if you don’t.”

  “It was a rhetorical question! The specifics of the situation don’t matter—the answer is no!”

  “You would just let her die? You wouldn’t do everything in your power to save her? You would just kill your own little sister? I would feel betrayed...”

  “I wouldn’t be the one killing her! The person forcing the decision is clearly the one who would be at fault in that situation!”

  “What if she wanted you to?”

  “Well, she doesn’t.”

  “What if she did, though?”

  “She doesn’t.”

  She shrugged.

  “What about if you could do it and she would forget afterward? Then it would be like it never happened.”

  I’m not even going to consider that.

  “Stop trying to imagine a hypothetical scenario where I would do it with my little sister!”

  “I notice you’re not giving me a straight answer.”

  “The answer is obvious!”

  “Is it?”

  “Yes!”

  “Pushed to your limit, you finally reveal your true colors...”

  “No!”

  She stuck out her tongue and made an ‘X’ with her fingers.

  “No take backsies.”

  I wanted to wipe that annoying grin off her face...

  “You know what I meant.”

  “I know. I just can’t help but tease you—it’s too fun.”

  Please stop having fun at my expense...

  “This is fun for you? Imagining hypothetical scenarios in which an older brother would do it with their little sister is fun for you?”

  “Yep. You could say it’s one of my hobbies.”

  “You have some interesting hobbies...”

  “Thank you.”

  “It wasn’t a compliment!”

  She stuck out her tongue.

  “I know.”