POINS

  Come on, let’s hear it, Jack. What trick have you got now?

  FALSTAFF

  By God, I knew it was you the whole time, like I was your own father! Listen to me, men: would it be right for me to kill the heir-apparent? Should I have attacked the true Prince? Look, you know I’m as brave as Hercules, but you must listen to your instinct. It’s like that old superstition, about how a lion will never attack a true Prince. Instinct is a powerful thing; I was only a coward by instinct. From now on, I’ll have to think of myself as a brave lion, and you as a true Prince. But good God, men, I’m glad you have the money. Hostess! Lock the doors; we’ll celebrate tonight and pray tomorrow. Gentlemen, lads, boys, hearts of gold—I’ll call you every good name I can think of, all at once! Hey! Shall we have some fun? Shall we stage a little play?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Of course, and the play will be about you running away.

  FALSTAFF

  Oh, let it go, Hal, if you love me.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY enters.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh, Jesus—Your Majesty!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Hello there, my lady the hostess! Do you have something to say to me?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Indeed, my lord. There’s a nobleman from the royal court at the door, and he wants to speak with you. He says your father sent him.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Give him some coins and send him right back to my mother.

  FALSTAFF

  What kind of man is he?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  An old man.

  FALSTAFF

  What is an old man doing out of bed at midnight? Do you want me to talk to him?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Please do, Jack.

  FALSTAFF

  Truly, I’ll send him on his way.

  FALSTAFF exits.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Now, men: by God, you fought well. So did you, Peto, and you, Bardolph. You must be lions, too, since your instinct told you to run away. You wouldn’t touch the true Prince; no, indeed!

  BARDOLPH

  Honestly, I ran when I saw the others run.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Okay, now tell me the truth. How did Falstaff’s sword get broken like that?

  PETO

  He hacked away at it with his dagger. He said he would swear up and down to make you believe that it happened in a fight, and he made us do the same.

  BARDOLPH

  Yes, and he made us rub our noses with rough weeds until they started to bleed, then smear our clothes with the blood and swear that it was from the men we fought. When he told me the crazy things he wanted us to do, I did something I haven’t done in seven years: I blushed.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Liar! You stole a cup of wine eighteen years ago, got caught in the act, and you’ve been blushing ever since. You had your fiery-red face and your weapons going for you, but still you ran away. What instinct made you do that?

  BARDOLPH

  Sir, do you see these red welts on my face? Do you see these swellings?

  PRINCE HENRY

  I do.

  BARDOLPH

  What do you think they mean?

  PRINCE HENRY

  That your temper is hot and your wallet is empty.

  BARDOLPH

  It means anger, sir, you interpret it correctly.

  PRINCE HENRY

  It means you’ll be hanged if the authorities catch you.

  FALSTAFF enters.

  Here comes skinny Jack; here comes the bag of bones. What’s going on, now, my sweet windbag? How long has it been, Jack, since you saw your own knees?

  FALSTAFF

  My own knees? When I was your age, Hal, my waist was as skinny as an eagle’s talon; I could have crawled through a councilman’s thumb ring. But damn all that sighing and sadness! It blows a man up like a balloon. There’s bad news out there. That was Sir John Bracy, sent by your father. You have to go to court in the morning. Percy, that mad man from up north, and that Welshman who gave Amamon a beating, and stole Lucifer’s wife, and made a pact to be the devil’s master—what’s his name again?

  POINS

  Oh, Glendower.

  FALSTAFF

  Owen, Owen, that’s the one. And his son-in-law Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and Douglas, that lively Scot of Scots, who can ride a horse straight up a wall—

  PRINCE HENRY

  The man who can ride at high speeds, then kill a flying sparrow with his pistol.

  FALSTAFF

  You’ve hit it; that’s him exactly.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I may have hit it, but Owen never hit the sparrow.

  FALSTAFF

  Well, that rascal has bravery in him; he won’t run away.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Why, you rascal! You just praised him for running!

  FALSTAFF

  He’ll run on his horse, you cuckoo. But when fighting on foot, he’ll never budge.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Yes he will, Jack. By instinct.

  FALSTAFF

  You’re right, by instinct. Well, he’s there, and a man named Mordake, and a thousand Scottish soldiers besides. Worcester snuck out of London tonight, and your father’s hair turned white when he heard. The price of land has dropped as low as a bucket of stinking fish.

  PRINCE HENRY

  If that’s the case, then when the weather gets hot and the civil war has really broken out, we can buy women’s virtues the way other people buy nails: by the hundreds.

  FALSTAFF

  By God, lad, you tell the truth. We’ll probably have good luck in that area. But Hal, aren’t you scared? You’re the heir apparent. Can you imagine three worse enemies than that demon Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Aren’t you horribly scared? Isn’t your blood running cold at the thought?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Not in the least, truly: I don’t have your instinct.

  FALSTAFF

  Well, you’ll be rebuked horribly when you see your father tomorrow. If you love me, practice a response.

  PRINCE HENRY

  You pretend to be my father; ask me about the details of my life.

  FALSTAFF

  Really? Excellent! This chair will be my throne, this dagger my scepter, and this cushion will be my crown.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Your throne is a wooden stool, your gold scepter is a dagger of lead, and your precious, expensive crown is a lousy bald head.

  FALSTAFF

  If you still have a shred of divine grace in you, you’ll be moved by this. Give me some wine to make my eyes bloodshot, so that it looks like I’ve been crying. I must speak with passion, and I’ll do it like King Cambyses.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well then, I’ll bow to you.

  FALSTAFF

  And I’ll speak to you. Step aside, gentlemen.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh, Jesus! This is an excellent game, truly!

  FALSTAFF

  Don’t cry, sweet queen; your trickling tears do no good.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh Lord, look how well he’s keeping it up!

  FALSTAFF

  For God’s sake, gentlemen; take my queen away from here. The floodgates of her eyes are being overwhelmed by her tears.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  My God! He’s just as good as those silly old professional actors!

  FALSTAFF

  Quiet, little ale pot. Quiet, little booze-brain. (to PRINCE HENRY) Harry, I am not only amazed at where you are spending your time, but whom you’re spending it with. They say that stepping on a chamomile plant will make it grow faster. But when it comes to youth, the more it is wasted, the faster is wears away. I know you are my son. Your mother says so, I believe so, and the wicked glint in your eye and foolish expression on your face prove it. If it’s true that you are my son, then here is my point: why, since you are my son, do so many people point at you? Should the blessed sun in heaven waste its time eating blackberries? That is not a question worth asking. Should the son of the king of England become a thief and steal wallets? That is worth asking. Harry, you’ve heard of a substance known as pitch. Pitch, as the wise men tell us, makes one filthy, and so does the company you keep. Harry, I speak to you not drunk but weeping, not in happiness but in anger, not just in words but also in sadness. And yet, there is a very good and pious man whom I’ve often seen you with, but I do not know his name.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What kind of man, your highness?

  FALSTAFF

  A stout man, truly; and overweight. He has a cheerful expression, a handsome look, and a noble bearing. I think he is about fifty years old, or perhaps closer to sixty. Now I remember! His name is Falstaff. If that man has a bad character, then I have been fooled. Harry, I see goodness in him. If one can tell a tree by its fruit, and a fruit by its tree, then let me come right out and say this: there is goodness in that Falstaff. Stay with him, but get rid of everyone else. Now tell me, you naughty boy, tell me; where have you been for the past month?

  PRINCE HENRY

  You think you sound like a king? You play me, and I’ll play my father.

  FALSTAFF

  You’re overthrowing me? If you play him even half as well as I did, half as majestically, then hang me up like a rabbit for sale in a butcher shop.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I’m all set.

  FALSTAFF

  As am I. (to the others) Judge us, everyone.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Now, Harry, where are you coming from?

  FALSTAFF

  From Eastcheap, my noble lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  The complaints I have heard about you are very serious.

  FALSTAFF

  For God’s sake, my lord, they are lies. (to the others) I’ll make you laugh by playing a young prince, I truly will.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Are you swearing, you ungracious boy? From now on, do not even look at me. You have been violently turned away from goodness; there is a devil that haunts you, in the shape of an old, fat man. A ton of man is your companion. Why do you associate with that trunk of bodily fluids, that sifting bin of beastliness, that swollen sack of disease, that huge jug of wine, that stuffed suitcase of guts, that roasted ox crammed with pudding, that ancient Vice, that gray-haired immorality, that father criminal, that aged vanity? What is he good for, besides tasting wine and drinking it? What does he do skillfully, besides carving chickens and eating them? What’s he smart about besides schemes? What does he scheme about besides crime? What is he criminal about besides everything? What is he good for besides nothing?

  FALSTAFF

  I wish your highness would help me follow your meaning. Who do you mean, your grace?

  PRINCE HENRY

  That criminal, loathsome corrupter of youth: Falstaff, that old, white-bearded devil.

  FALSTAFF

  My lord, I know the man.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I know you do.

  FALSTAFF

  But to make me claim that he’s any more harmful than I am—well, I can’t claim that. Yes he’s old, and it’s a shame: his white hair proves it. But that he’s a—forgive me—pimp? That I absolutely deny. If drinking wine and sugar is a fault, then God forgive us all. If being old and merry is a sin, then I know a lot of old men who are going to hell. If being fat means you should be hated, than we should all love Pharoah’s lean cows. No, your highness. Get rid of Peto, get rid of Bardolph, get rid of Poins. But as for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, honest Jack Falstaff, brave Jack Falstaff, and therefore even more brave, given that he is old Jack Falstaff—do not get rid of him. Do not get rid of him. If you get rid of him, you’ll be getting rid of the whole world.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I do. I will.

  There are knocks from offstage. MISTRESS QUICKLY, FRANCIS, and BARDOLPH exit. BARDOLPH comes back, running.

  BARDOLPH

  Oh sir, sir! The Sheriff and a frightening group of officers are at the door.

  FALSTAFF

  Wait, you ass! We’ll finish the play: I have much to say on behalf of that Falstaff.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY enters.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Jesus! Sir, sir!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, look here! All this mess over nothing! What’s the matter?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  The Sheriff and the officers are at the door. They’ve come to search the place. Should I let them in?

  FALSTAFF

  Do you hear that, Hal? Be careful about calling a piece of real gold a counterfeit; you are genuine, even though it may not seem so.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And you are a genuine coward, with no instinct.

  FALSTAFF

  I deny that. And if you’ll deny the Sheriff, then please do; otherwise, let him in. If I don’t look as good on the hangman’s cart as any other man, then a curse on my upbringing. I’m as willing to be hanged as any man.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Go, hide behind the arras. The rest of you, go upstairs. Now, my men. Here’s wishing for an honest face and a clear conscience.

  FALSTAFF

  I’ve had both of those, but their shelf-life has expired. I’d better hide. (he hides behind the arras)

  Everyone except for PRINCE HENRY and PETO exits.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Call in the Sheriff.

  The SHERIFF and a CARRIER enter.

  Now, Sheriff, what is it you want from me?

  SHERIFF

  First, please forgive me, my lord. A group of citizens followed some criminals into this bar.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What men?

  SHERIFF

  One of them is well known, my gracious lord. A huge, fat man.

  CARRIER

  As fat as butter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I promise you, that man isn’t here, since he’s currently running an errand for me. Sheriff, I give you my word that by lunchtime tomorrow I’ll send him to you, or anyone else you need to see. He’ll answer to anything he may be accused of. So please, I’d like you to leave this tavern.

  SHERIFF

  I will, my lord. There are also two gentlemen who, in this robbery, lost three hundred marks.

  PRINCE HENRY

  It’s possible. If he did it, he’ll answer for it. And with that, farewell.

  SHERIFF

  Good night, my noble lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I think it’s good morning, isn’t it?

  SHERIFF

  Yes, sir. I think it’s two o’clock.

  The SHERIFF and CARRIER exit.

  PRINCE HENRY

  This oily rascal is as famous as St. Paul’s Cathedral. Go, call him out here.

  PETO

  Falstaff! (pulls back the arras) Fast asleep behind the arras, and snoring like a horse.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Listen, how heavily he breathes! Look in his pockets.

  PETO searches FALSTAFF’S pockets and finds some papers.

  What did you find?

  PETO

  Nothing but some papers, my lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Let’s see what they are. Read them.

  PETO

  (reads) First, a chicken — two shillings and two pence. Second, sauce — four pence. Third, wine, two gallons—five shillings and eight pence. Fourth, anchovies and dessert wine — two shillings and six pence. Fifth, bread — a halfpenny.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Oh horrible! A halfpenny’s worth of bread against this enormous amount of wine? Hang onto everything else you found; we’ll read it when we have time. Let him sleep there till tomorrow. I’ll go to court in the morning. We’re all off to the wars, and you will have honorable positions. I’ll put this fat rogue in charge of an infantry company, and a quarter mile’s march will be the end of him. The money we stole will be repaid with interest. Meet me early in the morning; and with that, good morning, Peto.

  PETO

  Good morning, my good lord.

  They exit.

  carrier = deliveryman

  ostler = horse attendant at an inn

  Tom may be the name of either the ostler or the Second Carrier.

  A tench is a type of fish with markings that look like flea-bites.

  sirrah = term of address used for persons of lower social standing

  chamberlain = bedroom attendant

  Shakespeare’s line apparently references a popular saying of the time.

  Gadshill means they plunder England, or take her “booty”; the Chamberlain puns on the words boots/booty.

  Falstaff puns on the fact that “Gaunt” (Henry’s grandfather’s name) can also mean “skinny.”

  Refers to the fact that only wealthy men served on grand juries

  drawer = tapster; bartender

  bastard = a kind of Spanish wine, mixed with honey

  Half-Moon is the name of a room at the inn.

  Hal is referring to Francis’s master, who will be “robbed” if Francis breaks his contract.

  Hal may be trying to confuse Francis, or he may be warning him not to leave his apprenticeship.

  vintner = innkeeper

  Hal may be referring to the wine melting down Falstaff’s throat; he may also be suggesting that Falstaff is hot and sweaty.

  Lime was added to wine of poor quality to make it sparkle.

  In medieval morality plays, the character of Vice carried a wooden dagger.

  Falstaff means points as in “swords,” but the word can also mean “stocking fasteners.”

  Hercules was a Greek hero renowned for his bravery.

  Amamon = the name of a devil

  Hal is referring to the common wartime practice of rape.

  King Cambyses was a character in a play, known for being loud, melodramatic, and over the top.

  pitch = sticky tar

  Vice, a familiar character from medieval morality plays, led people into immorality.

  In the Bible, Pharoah’s dream of seven emaciated cows prophesies famine for Egypt.

  This line is ambiguous; Falstaff may be saying that, though he seems to be a scoundrel, he is a really a good man, and therefore should not be turned over to the watch.

  arras = tapestry hung on a wall

  A mark is a unit of currency.