FALSTAFF

  Wilt thou believe me, Hal, three or four bonds of forty pound apiece, and a seal ring of my grandfather’s.

  PRINCE HENRY

  A trifle, some eightpenny matter.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  So I told him, my lord, and I said I heard your Grace say so.

  95

  And, my lord, he speaks most vilely of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is;, and said he would cudgel you.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What, he did not!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  There’s neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.

  FALSTAFF

  There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune, nor no

  100

  more truth in thee than in a drawn fox, and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the deputy’s wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing, go.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Say, what thing, what thing?

  FALSTAFF

  What thing! Why, a thing to thank God on.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  105

  I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou shouldst know it! I am an honest man’s wife, and, setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to call me so.

  FALSTAFF

  Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say otherwise.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  110

  Say, what beast, thou knave, thou?

  FALSTAFF

  What beast? Why, an otter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  An otter, Sir John. Why an otter?

  FALSTAFF

  Why, she’s neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not where to have her.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  115

  Thou art an unjust man in saying so. Thou or any man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Thou sayest true, hostess, and he slanders thee most grossly.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  So he doth you, my lord, and said this other day you owed him a thousand pound.

  PRINCE HENRY

  120

  Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?

  FALSTAFF

  A thousand pound, Hal? A million. Thy love is worth a million; thou owest me thy love.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Nay, my lord, he called you “jack,” and said he would cudgel you.

  FALSTAFF

  125

  Did I, Bardolph?

  BARDOLPH

  Indeed, Sir John, you said so.

  FALSTAFF

  Yea, if he said my ring was copper.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I say ’tis copper. Darest thou be as good as thy word now?

  FALSTAFF

  Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare, but as

  130

  thou art Prince, I fear thee as I fear the roaring of a lion’s whelp.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And why not as the lion?

  FALSTAFF

  The King is to be feared as the lion. Dost thou think I’ll fear thee as I fear thy father? Nay, an I do, I pray God my girdle

  135

  break.

  PRINCE HENRY

  O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy knees! But, sirrah, there’s no room for faith, truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine. It is all filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest woman with picking thy pocket? Why,

  140

  thou whoreson, impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in thy pocket but tavern reckonings, memorandums of bawdy houses, and one poor pennyworth of sugar candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket were enriched with any other injuries but these, I am a

  145

  villain. And yet you will stand to it! You will not pocket up wrong! Art thou not ashamed?

  FALSTAFF

  Dost thou hear, Hal? Thou knowest in the state of innocency Adam fell, and what should poor Jack Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest I have more flesh than

  150

  another man and therefore more frailty. You confess, then, you picked my pocket?

  PRINCE HENRY

  It appears so by the story.

  FALSTAFF

  Hostess, I forgive thee. Go make ready breakfast, love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy guests. Thou

  155

  shalt find me tractable to any honest reason. Thou seest I am pacified still. Nay, prithee, be gone.

  Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Now, Hal, to the news at court. For the robbery, lad, how is that answered?

  PRINCE HENRY

  O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to thee. The

  160

  money is paid back again.

  FALSTAFF

  O, I do not like that paying back. ’Tis a double labor.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I am good friends with my father and may do anything.

  FALSTAFF

  Rob me the Exchequer the first thing thou dost, and do it with unwashed hands too.

  BARDOLPH

  165

  Do, my lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot.

  FALSTAFF

  I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find one that can steal well? O, for a fine thief of the age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am heinously unprovided. Well, God be

  170

  thanked for these rebels. They offend none but the virtuous. I laud them; I praise them.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Bardolph!

  BARDOLPH

  My lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster,

  175

  To my brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.

  Exit BARDOLPH

  Go, Peto, to horse, to horse, for thou and I have thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time.

  Exit PETO

  Jack, meet me tomorrow in the Temple hall

  At two o’clock in the afternoon;

  180

  There shalt thou know thy charge, and there receive

  Money and order for their furniture.

  The land is burning. Percy stands on high,

  And either we or they must lower lie.

  Exit PRINCE HENRY

  FALSTAFF

  Rare words, brave world!—Hostess, my breakfast, come.—

  185

  O, I could wish this tavern were my drum.

  Exit

  ACT 3, SCENE 3

  Modern Text

  FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH enter.

  FALSTAFF

  Bardolph, haven’t I shrivelled since our last robbery? Haven’t I gotten thin? Aren’t I shrinking? My skin is hanging off me like a loose gown on an old lady; I’m puckered like a rotten apple. I’d better repent my sins, and fast, while there’s still something left of me. I’ll be in bad shape soon, and then I won’t have the strength to repent. If I haven’t forgotten what the inside of a church looks like, I’m a withered berry, a lame old nag. The inside of a church! The wrong crowd, the wrong crowd has ruined me.

  BARDOLPH

  Sir John, you complain so much, you’re sure not to live much longer.

  FALSTAFF

  You’re absolutely right. Come on then, sing me a dirty song. Make me laugh. I lived my life as properly as a gentleman should. Well, properly enough, anyway. I didn’t swear much. I didn’t gamble—more than seven days a week. I went to a whorehouse no more than once—every fifteen minutes. I paid my debts—three or four times. I lived well and within reasonable boundaries. And now, I live poorly and out of moderation.

  BARDOLPH

  You’re so fat, Sir John, that you have no choice but to live out of moderation: moderation could not fit you.

  FALSTAFF

  You fix your face and I’ll fix my life. You’re like the flagship of our fleet, with a light on its bow—except that your light is in your nose.

  BARDOLPH

  Why, Sir John, my face isn’t hurting you.

  FALSTAFF

  No, you’re right. I actually get some good from your face: it’s like a skull, or a death token. I can’t look at your face without thinking of the flames of hell, and Dives from the Bible, who burned eternally. If there were anything pious about you, I could swear oaths on your face. I could say, “Now, by this fire, which is God’s angel . . .” But you’re a complete sinner, and if it weren’t for the light in your face, you’d be the son of darkness. When you ran up Gadshill at night to find my horse, I could have sworn you were a will-o-the-wisp or a fireball. You’re an endless torchlight parade, a permanent bonfire. Walking with you from tavern to tavern at night has saved me a thousand marks in candles and flashlights. But the money I’ve spent on wine for you would have been enough to buy the most expensive candles in Europe. I’ve kept that nose of yours burning for thirty-two years, God bless me.

  BARDOLPH

  Dammit! I wish my face were in your belly.

  FALSTAFF

  God have mercy! Then I’d surely have heartburn.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY enters.

  Hello there, Madame Clucking Chicken! Have you figured out yet who picked my pocket?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Now Sir John, what do you think, Sir John? Do you think I have thieves in my establishment? I’ve searched, I’ve asked questions; so has my husband. We’ve asked every man, boy and servant here. No one’s ever lost so much as a fraction of a hair in this tavern before.

  FALSTAFF

  You lie! Bardolph got a shave here, and he lost a lot of hair. And I swear my pocket was picked. To hell with you, you’re a woman. To hell with you.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Who, me? No, I say. By God, I’ve never been called such a thing in my own tavern before.

  FALSTAFF

  Oh come on, I know all about you.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  No, Sir John; you don’t know me, Sir John. I know you, Sir John. You owe me money, Sir John, and now you’re making a fuss so that you can cheat me out of it. I have bought you a dozen shirts to wear.

  FALSTAFF

  Junk, cheap junk. I gave them away to bakers’ wives, to sift flour with.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I swear, as an honest woman, that they were made of expensive fabric, eight shillings an ell. Besides, you owe me money for food and drink, plus twenty-four pounds I lent you.

  FALSTAFF

  (points at BARDOLPH) He had some of it. Let him pay.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Him? He’s poor, he has nothing.

  FALSTAFF

  What? Poor? Look at his face. What do you call rich? They could make coins from his nose, mint his cheeks. I won’t pay a denier. You think I’m a rube? What, I can’t relax at a tavern without getting my pocket picked? I lost my grandfather’s sealing ring, worth forty marks.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Jesus! I’ve heard the Prince tell him countless times that ring was only made out of copper.

  FALSTAFF

  What? The Prince is a bastard, a sneak. Dammit, if he were here and said something like that, I’d beat him like a dog.

  PRINCE HENRY and PETO enter, marching like soldiers. FALSTAFF joins them, pretending that his cudgel is a fife, or military flute.

  Hey there, lad! Is that what’s happening? Are we all going to march?

  BARDOLPH

  Yes, side by side, like prisoners to the gallows.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  My lord, please, listen to me.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What is it, Mistress Quickly? How’s your husband? I think highly of him; he’s an honest man.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  My lord, please listen to me.

  FALSTAFF

  Forget about her, and listen to me.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What is it, Jack?

  FALSTAFF

  The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras and I had my pocket picked. This bar’s like a whorehouse: they pick your pockets.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What did you lose, Jack?

  FALSTAFF

  Would you believe it, Hal? Three or four I.O.U.’s worth forty pounds each, and my grandfather’s sealing ring.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Junk, not worth more than eight pennies.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  That’s what I said, my lord. And I said I’d heard you say so, and then he said awful things about you, like the foul-mouthed man that he is. He said he’d beat you.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What? He did?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  If he didn’t, I’m not faithful, trustworthy or womanly.

  FALSTAFF

  You’re about as faithful as a whore, as trustworthy as a fox on the run, and—as for womanhood—a man in a dress is the minister’s wife compared to you. Get out of here, you thing, get out.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Thing? What thing?

  FALSTAFF

  What thing? A thing to say “thank God” for.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I am not a thing to say “thank God” for, I want you to know; I am an honest man’s wife. And ignoring the fact that you are a knight, you are a brute for calling me that.

  FALSTAFF

  Well, if you ignore the fact that you’re a woman, then I suppose that would make you an animal.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  What animal, you brute?

  FALSTAFF

  What animal? Why, an otter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  An otter, Sir John? Why an otter?

  FALSTAFF

  Because she’s not quite a fish and not quite a mammal. A man wouldn’t know where to put her.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  You’re awful for saying so: you or any man would know where to put me, you brute, you!

  PRINCE HENRY

  You’re right, hostess, and he has really insulted you.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  He insulted you, too, my lord. Just the other day, he said you owed him a thousand pounds.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pounds?

  FALSTAFF

  A thousand pounds, Hal? A million. Your love is worth a million, and you owe me your love.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  No, sir. He called you a bastard and said he’d beat you.

  FALSTAFF

  Did I, Bardolph?

  BARDOLPH

  Indeed, Sir John, you said so.

  FALSTAFF

  That’s right, if he said my ring was junk and made of copper.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And I do say that it’s made of copper. So will you dare keep your word and beat me?

  FALSTAFF

  Hal, know this: if you were only a man, I would dare. But since you’re also a Prince, I’m scared of you, as much as I’m scared by the roar of a lion’s cub.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Why the cub and not the lion?

  FALSTAFF

  Only the King is as frightening as the lion. You think I’m as scared of you as I am of your father? If I am, I pray to God for my belt to break.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Oh, but if it did, your guts would fall down to your knees! Sirrah, there’s no room in your chest for trust-worthiness, truthfulness, or honesty. It’s all filled up with guts and stomach. Accuse an honest woman of picking your pocket? You son of a whore; you rude, bloated cheat. I’ll be damned if there was anything in your pocket besides tavern bills, notes about whorehouses, and a penny’s worth of candy for energy. If you had anything else in your pockets, then I’m a liar; yet you stand by your lies. You won’t even try to hide how bad you are. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

  FALSTAFF

  Don’t you know, Hal? Adam fell from grace when the world was innocent. What should poor Jack Falstaff do, now that the world is wicked? You see I have more flesh than other men. It follows that I’m more fallible than other men.—So you’re confessing to picking my pocket?

  PRINCE HENRY

  It looks that way.

  FALSTAFF

  Hostess, I forgive you. Go get breakfast ready; love your husband; tend to your servants; cherish your guests. You’ll find me a perfectly reasonable man. See? I’m calm, as always. Now please, get going!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY exits.

  Now Hal, what’s the news at court? What ever happened about our robbery?

  PRINCE HENRY

  I’m your guardian angel again, you fresh piece of meat. The money’s been paid back.

  FALSTAFF

  I don’t like that “paying back.” It means twice the work!

  PRINCE HENRY

  My father and I are friends again, and I can do whatever I want.

  FALSTAFF

  Then rob the treasury right away, and don’t even delay long enough to wash your hands.

  BARDOLPH

  Do it, my lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I have gotten you an infantry company to command, Jack.

  FALSTAFF

  I wish it were the horse brigade. Where can I recruit a talented crook? Oh, if I only had a gifted thief, about twenty-two years old! I’m terribly lacking in help. Well, thank God for these rebels. The only people they bother are the good people. I like that. I honor and salute them.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Bardolph!

  BARDOLPH

  My lord?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Deliver this letter to Lord John of Lancaster, my brother. Give this one to Westmoreland.

  BARDOLPH exits.

  Peto, get to your horse, get to your horse! You and I have to be thirty miles from here by lunchtime.

  PETO exits.

  Jack, meet me at Temple Hall at two o’clock tomorrow. You’ll get the list of your troops there, plus some money and an order for their equipment. The country is on fire, and Percy’s riding high. Either they or we must die.

  PRINCE HENRY exits.

  FALSTAFF

  Well spoken! What a splendid world! Bring my breakfast, hostess! I wish that I could lead my troops from here!

  He exits.

  To the English, Welsh often sounded like a barbaric language; Hotspur implies that no one speaks better nonsense then Glendower.

  bootless = unsuccessful

  The Archdeacon isn’t mentioned anywhere else in the text, but according to the historical chronicle, this meeting took place at the home of the Archdeacon of Bangor.

  Hotspur puns on the slang meanings for “head” (“penis”) and “lap” (“vagina”).

  Mars = Roman god of war

  will-o-the-wisp = a natural phenomenon in which lights seem to appear over marshy ground