Look at me, you nasty Scotsman, or you’ll never look at anything again. I have the spirits of brave Shirley, Stafford, and Blunt in me. It is the Prince of Wales who threatens you, and I never make promises I cannot keep.

  They fight. DOUGLAS runs away.

  Cheer up, father. How are you? Sir Nicholas Gawsey called for reinforcements, and so has Clifton. I’m going to Clifton right now.

  KING

  Wait, and breathe for a moment. You have redeemed your bad reputation, and show that you care something for me, by rescuing me like this.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Oh God! Anyone who ever said I wished for you to die did me a terrible wrong. If I wanted that, I would have let Douglas continue his attack. That would have killed you faster than any dose of poison, and it would have saved me the trouble of treachery.

  KING

  Go to Clifton; I’ll go to Sir Nicholas Gawsey.

  The KING exits.

  HOTSPUR enters.

  HOTSPUR

  If I’m not mistaken, you’re Harry Monmouth.

  PRINCE HENRY

  You make it sound as if I’d deny it.

  HOTSPUR

  My name is Harry Percy.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Why then, I’m looking at a very brave rebel by that name. I am the Prince of Wales, and don’t think, Percy, that you can share in my glory any longer. There isn’t enough room for two stars in the same orbit; England cannot handle a double reign, Harry Percy and the Prince of Wales ruling at once.

  HOTSPUR

  It won’t have to, Harry, for the time has come for one of us to die. I only wish that you had as great a reputation in warfare as I do.

  PRINCE HENRY

  My reputation will be greater by the time we part. I’ll take all the flowers of honor from your helmet, and turn them into a garland for myself.

  HOTSPUR

  I can’t stand your arrogance any longer.

  They fight.

  FALSTAFF enters.

  FALSTAFF

  Well said, Hal! Go for it, Hal! This isn’t child’s play, I’ll tell you that much!

  DOUGLAS returns and fights with FALSTAFF, who falls down and plays dead.

  DOUGLAS exits.

  PRINCE HENRY kills HOTSPUR.

  HOTSPUR

  Oh, Harry, you’ve taken away my youth. I can handle the loss of my fragile life, but not the loss of all the honors you have won from me: that loss wounds my thoughts more than your sword wounds my flesh. But thought depends on life, and life depends on time, and time, which watches over the whole world, must stop eventually. Oh, I could make prophecies, but the cold hand of death is stopping my tongue. No, Percy. You are dust, and food for—(he dies)

  PRINCE HENRY

  For worms, brave Percy. Farewell, brave soul. Your ambition, aimed at evil, ends—look at how withered it has become. When this body contained a soul, an entire kingdom was too small to hold it. But now, two paces of wretched earth is plenty of room. The ground that you lie dead upon doesn’t have a single living man upon it as brave as you. If you could hear me, I wouldn’t praise you so lavishly. But let me cover your battered face with part of my uniform. I’ll thank myself on your behalf for doing these rites of respect.

  Adieu, and take my praise of you to heaven. Let your disgraces sleep with you in the grave, and let them be kept off your tombstone!

  He sees FALSTAFF lying on the ground.

  What? My old friend? Couldn’t all this flesh hold onto a little life? Poor Jack, farewell. I would rather have lost a more valuable soldier. If I were in love with vanity, I’d really miss you.

  Death hasn’t taken anyone as fat today, though it has taken many better men in this vicious battle. I’ll have you embowelled soon; till then, lie here in blood, by the great Percy.

  PRINCE HENRY exits.

  FALSTAFF stands up.

  FALSTAFF

  Embowelled? If you cut me open today, I’ll let you pickle me and eat me tomorrow. Damn! I had to fake being dead, or that raging rebel of a Scotsman would have ended me. Fake? No, I tell a lie: I’m not a faker. To die is to be a faker, because a dead body is an imitation of a living one. But to fake being dead, in order to stay alive, that’s no kind of faking. That’s the truest kind of living there is. Bravery is mostly about precaution; I’m careful, and it saved my life. Damn, I’m scared of this bombshell Percy, even though he’s dead. What if he’s faking, too, and he gets up? I swear, he’d be the better faker. Therefore, I’ll make sure he’s dead; in fact, I’ll swear that I killed him. Why couldn’t he just get up, like I did? Only a witness could stop me, and there are no witnesses here. Therefore, sirrah, (stabs the body) you’re coming with me—complete with a new wound in your thigh. (he throws HOTSPUR’s body over his shoulder)

  PRINCE HENRY and Lord John of LANCASTER enter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  John, my brother, you’ve bravely proven yourself in this, your first battle.

  LANCASTER

  Wait! Who do we have here? Didn’t you say this fat man was dead?

  PRINCE HENRY

  I did. I saw him dead on the ground, bleeding and not breathing. Are you alive? Or is this some kind of dream, playing with our sight? Talk to us. We won’t trust our eyes without our ears. You aren’t what you seem to be.

  FALSTAFF

  That’s for sure. I’m not a double man. But if I’m not Jack Falstaff, then I’m a crook. Here’s Percy. If the king will honor me for this, fine. If not, let him kill the next Percy himself. I expect to me made an earl or a Duke for this, I’ll tell you that much.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Why, I killed Percy myself and I saw you dead.

  FALSTAFF

  You did? Lord, Lord, how people love to lie! I admit I had fallen and was out of breath, and so was he. But we both stood up at the same time and fought for a long hour. If I am to be believed, fine. If I’m not believed, then the guilt will lie with the people who are supposed to reward bravery. I swear on my life, I gave him this gash in the leg. Damn, if he were alive and said I didn’t, I’d shove my sword down his throat.

  LANCASTER

  This is the strangest story I’ve ever heard.

  PRINCE HENRY

  This is the strangest man, John. All right then, display your prize on your back. As far as I’m concerned, if lying will help you out, I’ll decorate your lie as prettily as I can.

  A trumpet blows a call of retreat.

  A trumpet is blowing retreat: we’ve won. Come on, brother. Let’s get to high ground and see which of our friends are alive, and which are dead.

  PRINCE HENRY and Lord John of LANCASTER exit.

  FALSTAFF

  I’ll follow them and claim my reward. May God reward whoever rewards me. If I grow into a great man, I’ll grow thinner: I’ll go on a diet, quit drinking, and live properly, like a great man should.

  He exits.

  ACT 5, SCENE 5

  Original Text

  The trumpets sound. Enter the KING, PRINCE HENRY, Lord John of LANCASTER, Earl of WESTMORELAND, with WORCESTER and VERNON prisoners

  KING

  Thus ever did rebellion find rebuke.—

  Ill-spirited Worcester, did not we send grace,

  Pardon, and terms of love to all of you?

  And wouldst thou turn our offers contrary,

  5

  Misuse the tenor of thy kinsman’s trust?

  Three knights upon our party slain today,

  A noble earl, and many a creature else

  Had been alive this hour,

  If like a Christian thou hadst truly borne

  10

  Betwixt our armies true intelligence.

  WORCESTER

  What I have done my safety urged me to.

  And I embrace this fortune patiently,

  Since not to be avoided it falls on me.

  KING

  Bear Worcester to the death, and Vernon too.

  15

  Other offenders we will pause upon.

  Exeunt WORCESTER and VERNON under guard

  How goes the field?

  PRINCE HENRY

  The noble Scot, Lord Douglas, when he saw

  The fortune of the day quite turned from him,

  The noble Percy slain, and all his men

  20

  Upon the foot of fear, fled with the rest,

  And, falling from a hill, he was so bruised

  That the pursuers took him. At my tent

  The Douglas is, and I beseech your Grace

  I may dispose of him.

  KING

  With all my heart.

  PRINCE HENRY

  25

  Then, brother John of Lancaster, to you

  This honorable bounty shall belong.

  Go to the Douglas, and deliver him

  Up to his pleasure, ransomless and free.

  His valor shown upon our crests today

  30

  Hath taught us how to cherish such high deeds,

  Even in the bosom of our adversaries.

  LANCASTER

  I thank your Grace for this high courtesy,

  Which I shall give away immediately.

  KING

  Then this remains, that we divide our power.

  35

  You, son John, and my cousin Westmoreland,

  Towards York shall bend you with your dearest speed

  To meet Northumberland and the prelate Scroop,

  Who, as we hear, are busily in arms.

  Myself and you, son Harry, will towards Wales

  40

  To fight with Glendower and the Earl of March.

  Rebellion in this land shall lose his sway,

  Meeting the check of such another day.

  And since this business so fair is done,

  Let us not leave till all our own be won.

  Exeunt

  ACT 5, SCENE 5

  Modern Text

  Trumpets sound. The KING, PRINCE HENRY, Lord John of LANCASTER, and WESTMORELAND enter, with WORCESTER and VERNON as prisoners.

  KING

  This is how rebellions always end—defeated. Evil-spirited Worcester! Didn’t I offer kindness, forgiveness and friendship to all of you? And you pretended that I did the opposite? Your relatives and friends trusted you, yet you lied to them? Three of our knights who were killed today, a noble earl, and many other men might have been alive right now if you had been a decent man and reported truthfully on the negotiations between our two armies.

  WORCESTER

  I did what I had to do for the sake of my own well-being. I accept my fate patiently, since there’s no way I can avoid it.

  KING

  Put Worcester to death, and Vernon too: I’ll wait a while before I decide what to do about the others.

  WORCESTER and VERNON are escorted away by guards.

  What’s happening on the battlefield?

  PRINCE HENRY

  When that brave Scotsman, Lord Douglas, saw that things were turning against him, that Percy had been killed, and that his men were fleeing in terror, he ran away too. He fell down a hill and was so badly injured that our men were able to capture him. He’s being held prisoner at my tent.

  I ask your highness to let me decide what to do with him.

  KING

  With all my heart.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Brother, John of Lancaster, I’m going to give you the honor of this generous act. Go to Douglas and set him free, with no ransom due. Let him do whatever he wants. His brave fighting against us today should be valued, even though he was our enemy.

  LANCASTER

  Thank you for giving me this honor. I’ll take care of it immediately.

  KING

  All that’s left is for us to split up our armies. You, my son John, and you, Westmoreland, head towards York as quickly as you can. Confront Northumberland and that churchman the Archbishop, who, I gather, are raising armies against us. You and I, Harry my son, will head for Wales to fight Glendower and Mortimer. The rebellion in this land will break apart once it meets battles like the one we fought today. And since we have accomplished our business so well, let’s not quit until everything has been won.

  They exit.

  catechism = a series of questions and answers that tests students’ understanding of Christian principles

  Monmouth is the town in Wales where Hal was born.

  escape shot-free = leave without paying the bill

  “Sack” is a pun, meaning both “ransack” and a kind of white wine.

  embowelled = disemboweled, in order to be embalmed

  NO FEAR SHAKESPEARE

  HENRY IV,

  PART TWO

  CHARACTERS

  King Henry IV—The reigning King of England, and the father of Prince Henry. His health declines throughout the play, due in part to his anxiety about civil insurrection and the fate of his seemingly irresponsible heir, Prince Henry.

  Henry, Prince of Wales—The heir to the English throne. Prince Henry, or Harry, is known as Hal to Falstaff and his friends. Upon his father’s death, he becomes King Henry V. He is the play’s main protagonist, and his transformation from a youthful hell-raiser into the dignified King Henry V is one of the major psychological developments of the play.

  Prince John, Duke of Lancaster; Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester; and Thomas, Duke of Clarence—Sons of King Henry IV and younger brothers of Prince Henry.

  The Lord Chief Justice—The most powerful official of the law in England. Level-headed, perceptive, and intelligent, he is a close advisor to King Henry IV. He also becomes an advisor and father figure to Prince Henry after the King’s death and Prince Henry’s subsequent coronation.

  Earl of Warwick, Earl of Surrey, Earl of Westmoreland, Harcourt, Sir John Blunt—Noblemen; King Henry IV’s allies and advisors.

  Sir John Falstaff—A fat, jovial, aging knight. Falstaff is a cheat and a liar, and the butt of many jokes and pranks. However, he seems well loved by his friends, especially the prostitute Doll Tearsheet. An incredibly popular character on the Elizabethan stage, Falstaff is Prince Henry’s long-time mentor and close friend. However, as Prince Henry prepares himself for kingship by shedding his disreputable past, his relationship with Falstaff becomes increasingly strained.

  Page—A boy whom Prince Henry has assigned to serve Falstaff. The page carries Falstaff’s sword and runs his errands, and soon begins to imitate Falstaff in his insolence and disrespectfulness.

  Poins, Peto, Bardolph—Friends of Falstaff and Prince Henry. Former crooks and highwaymen, these men have, like Falstaff, gained money and prestige since the Battle of Shrewsbury. Poins is the smartest of the three, and the closest to Henry. Bardolph, an incorrigible drunkard, has a bright red nose and welts all over his face.

  Ancient Pistol—An army ensign (ancient meant “ensign” in Elizabethan English). Pistol serves under Falstaff and is extremely aggressive and belligerent.

  Mouldy, Shadow, Wart, Feeble, and Bullcalf—Army recruits whom Falstaff inspects in Gloucestershire. Only Shadow, Wart, and Feeble go with Falstaff to the war; the others manage to bribe their way out.

  Archbishop of York—A powerful northern clergyman who helps lead the rebellion against King Henry IV.

  Mowbray and Hastings—Two lords who conspire with the Archbishop of York to overthrow King Henry IV.

  Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland—Usually called Northumberland, but sometimes called Percy. A powerful northern nobleman whose brother, the Earl of Worcester, and son Hotspur have recently been killed in battle against King Henry IV.

  Hotspur—Dead before the play begins, but often referred to in its early scenes. Hotspur was Northumberland’s son and a key leader in the rebellion against the King. In King Henry IV, Part One, the quick-tempered warrior Hotspur was a discernible contrast to the self-indulgent Prince Henry.

  Lady Northumberland—Wife of the Earl of Northumberland.

  Lady Percy—Hotspur’s widow.

  Lord Bardolph—An ally of Northumberland. Lord Bardolph is not to be confused with Bardolph, Falstaff’s drunken associate.

  Owen Glendower—The mysterious and influential leader of the Welsh rebellion. Glendower is a key figure in Henry IV, Part One, though his character never appears in Part Two.

  Mistress Quickly—Proprietress of the Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap, London. She has a dim wit but a good heart.

  Doll Tearsheet—Falstaff’s favorite prostitute and a friend of Mistress Quickly. Doll Tearsheet seems both fiercer and smarter than most of the law officers in Eastcheap, and she also seems to have a deep and abiding affection for Falstaff.

  Fang and Snare—Incompetent officers of the law whom Mistress Quickly calls upon to arrest Falstaff.

  Justice Shallow and Justice Silence—Middle-class country landowners, and justices of the peace (minor local law officers). These two cousins live up to their names: Justice Shallow talks endlessly about trivial topics, while Justice Silence barely ever opens his mouth—except to sing rowdy songs when he gets drunk. Shallow is an old friend of Falstaff’s from law school.

  Davy—A household servant of Justice Shallow.

  Travers—Northumberland’s servant.

  Master Gower—A messenger from the King, to the Lord Chief Justice.

  Morton—A messenger from Shrewsbury, to Northumberland.

  Sir John Coleville—A rebel, captured by Falstaff.

  Rumor and Epilogue—Presenters who deliver the opening and concluding speeches, respectively. Rumor is the personification of rumor and gossip, and wears a costume painted with tongues.

  NO FEAR SHAKESPEARE

  HENRY IV,

  PART TWO

  PROLOGUE

  Original Text

  Enter RUMOR all painted with tongues

  RUMOR

  Open your ears, for which of you will stop

  The vent of hearing when loud Rumor speaks?

  I, from the orient to the drooping west,

  Making the wind my post-horse, still unfold

  5

  The acts commenced on this ball of earth.

  Upon my tongues continual slanders ride,

  The which in every language I pronounce,