450

  strangled with a halter as another.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Go, hide thee behind the arras. The rest walk up above.—Now, my masters, for a true face and good conscience.

  FALSTAFF

  Both which I have had, but their date is out; and therefore I’ll hide me. (he hides behind the arras)

  Exeunt all but PRINCE HENRY and PETO

  PRINCE HENRY

  455

  Call in the Sheriff.

  Enter SHERIFF and the CARRIER

  Now, Master Sheriff, what is your will with me?

  SHERIFF

  First pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry

  Hath followed certain men unto this house.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What men?

  SHERIFF

  460

  One of them is well known, my gracious lord,

  A gross fat man.

  CARRIER

  As fat as butter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  The man, I do assure you is not here,

  For I myself at this time have employed him.

  465

  And, Sheriff, I will engage my word to thee

  That I will by tomorrow dinner time

  Send him to answer thee or any man

  For any thing he shall be charged withal.

  And so let me entreat you leave the house.

  SHERIFF

  470

  I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen

  Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.

  PRINCE HENRY

  It may be so. If he have robbed these men,

  He shall be answerable; and so farewell.

  SHERIFF

  Good night, my noble lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  475

  I think it is good morrow, is it not?

  SHERIFF

  Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.

  Exeunt SHERIFF and CARRIER

  PRINCE HENRY

  This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s. Go call him forth.

  PETO

  Falstaff!— (pulls back the arras) Fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.

  PRINCE HENRY

  480

  Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.

  PETO searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain papers

  What hast thou found?

  PETO

  Nothing but papers, my lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Let’s see what they be. Read them.

  PETO

  (reads)

  Item, a capon, . . . 2s. 2d.

  85

  Item, sauce, . . . 4d.

  Item, sack, two gallons, . . . 5s. 8d.

  Item, anchovies and sack after supper, , , , 2s. 6d.

  Item, bread, ob.

  PRINCE HENRY

  O monstrous! But one halfpennyworth of bread to this

  490

  intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep close. We’ll read it at more advantage. There let him sleep till day. I’ll to the court in the morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honorable. I’ll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot, and I know his death will be a march of twelve score.

  495

  The money shall be paid back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning, and so good morrow, Peto.

  PETO

  Good morrow, good my lord.

  Exeunt

  ACT 2, SCENE 4

  Modern Text

  PRINCE HENRY and POINS enter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Ned, come out of that airless room and help me laugh a bit.

  POINS

  Where’ve you been, Hal?

  PRINCE HENRY

  With three or four knuckleheads and a few dozen kegs of liquor. I’ve been with the lowest of the low. Sirrah, I’ve made great friends with these three bartenders, and I’m on a first-name basis with them: Tom, Dick, and Francis. They swear on their souls that, even though I’m only the Prince of Wales, I’m the king of niceness. They say I’m no pompous fool, like Falstaff, but a good sport, a spirited man, a good boy. When I’m King of England, all the good men of Eastcheap will follow me gladly. When you drink deeply, they joke that you have been dyed red; and if you stop for a breath when you’re drinking, they yell “Cough!” and they command you to keep going. In fifteen minutes, I got so good at being a drinking companion, I could be at ease with any man over a drink, in any setting. Ned, you didn’t do yourself any favors by missing this. But, sweet Ned, I’ll sweeten the name Ned with this bit of sugar, given to me by an apprentice drawer who never spoke any English his whole life, except, “That’ll be eight shillings and sixpence,” and “You’re welcome,” and also, “Just a second, just a second! Bring a pint of bastard to the Half-Moon room!” But Ned, let’s pass the time until Falstaff gets here. Hide in a side room while I ask that little apprentice drawer why he gave me the sugar. Keep calling out his name, Francis, and don’t stop, so that all he’s able to say is, “Just a second!” Step aside, and I’ll give you a taste.

  POINS exits.

  POINS

  (offstage) Francis!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Perfect.

  POINS

  (offstage) Francis!

  FRANCIS, a drawer, enters.

  FRANCIS

  Just a second, sir.—Ralph, make sure everything’s okay in the Pomegranate Room!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Come here, Francis.

  FRANCIS

  Sir?

  PRINCE HENRY

  How many more years of your apprenticeship do you have, Francis?

  FRANCIS

  Truly, five years, which is as long —

  POINS

  (offstage) Francis!

  FRANCIS

  Just a second, sir!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Five years! Wow, that’s a long time to be clinking beer mugs. But Francis, are you brave enough to play the coward with your contract? To flash it your heels, as you run away?

  FRANCIS

  Oh Lord, sir. I’d swear on a stack of Bibles that I’d love to be able to—

  POINS

  (offstage) Francis!

  FRANCIS

  Just a second, sir!

  PRINCE HENRY

  How old are you, Francis?

  FRANCIS

  Let’s see—at the end of next September, I’ll be—

  POINS

  (offstage) Francis!

  FRANCIS

  Just a second, sir! (to PRINCE HENRY) Wait here a moment, my lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  No, listen to me, Francis. The sugar you gave me was worth about a penny, right?

  FRANCIS

  Oh lord, I wish I could have given you two pennies’ worth!

  PRINCE HENRY

  I’ll give you a thousand pounds for it. Ask for it whenever you want it, and it’s yours.

  POINS

  (offstage) Francis!

  FRANCIS

  Just a second!

  PRINCE HENRY

  You want it in a second, Francis? No, Francis. Maybe tomorrow, Francis, or Thursday, Francis, whenever you want it. But, Francis.

  FRANCIS

  Sir?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Are you ready to rob this man? This man, with his leather jacket, fashionable crystal buttons, short hair, agate signet ring, dark stockings, ribboned garters, oily speech, Spanish leather pouch—

  FRANCIS

  Oh Lord, sir, who are you talking about?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well then, it looks like brown bastard will continue to be your only drink. Because listen, Francis, your white canvas shirt will get stained out there. Even in North Africa, sir, you won’t get so much.

  FRANCIS

  Excuse me, sir?

  POINS

  (offstage) Francis!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Get going, you good-for-nothing. Can’t you hear people calling you?

  POINS and PRINCE HENRY both begin to shout “Francis!”

  FRANCIS stands there bewildered, not knowing what to do.

  The VINTNER enters.

  VINTNER

  Why are you standing there when people are calling you? Take care of the customers inside!

  FRANCIS exits.

  My lord, old Sir John and a half-dozen others are at the door. Should I let them in?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Leave them out there for a while, and then open the door.

  VINTNER exits.

  Poins!

  POINS enters.

  POINS

  Just a second, sir!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are here. Are we ready for a laugh?

  POINS

  We’ll be happy as crickets, my lad. But listen, what’s with this gag you played on the waiter? What’s the point?

  PRINCE HENRY

  I’m up for anything. Right now, I’m feeling all the moods that anyone has ever felt, from the old days of Adam to this young age, right now, at twelve o’clock midnight.

  FRANCIS enters.

  What time is it, Francis?

  FRANCIS

  Just a second, sir.

  FRANCIS exits.

  PRINCE HENRY

  This boy has fewer words than a parrot, but he’s actually a person! All he does is run up and down stairs, and the only things he can say are the names of the items on your bill. I’m not yet like Percy, the Hotspur of the North. He kills six or seven dozen Scotsmen before breakfast, washes his hands, and then says to his wife, “To hell with this boring life! I need something to do!” “Oh, my sweet Harry,” she says, “How many have you killed today?” “Give my brown horse a dose of medicine,” he says. And then about an hour later, he answers her: “About fourteen.” Then he says, “That’s nothing, nothing.” Listen, bring in Falstaff. I’ll play Percy, and that damned fat slob will play his wife, Dame Mortimer. “Bottom’s up!” as the drunk says. Bring in the meat, bring in blubber.

  FALSTAFF, GADSHILL, BARDOLPH, and PETO enter.

  FRANCIS follows with wine.

  POINS

  Welcome, Jack. Where’ve you been?

  FALSTAFF

  A curse on all cowards, I say, and revenge on them, too! Amen to that! Give me some wine, boy. I’m not going to keep up this way of life much longer. I’ll knit socks, mend them, and fix their feet. A curse on all cowards! Give me a cup of wine, you lowlife! Isn’t there any honesty left in this world? (he drinks)

  PRINCE HENRY

  Did you ever see the sun kiss a dish of butter? The tender-hearted sun, melting the butter with its sweet words! If you have, then take a look at Falstaff.

  FALSTAFF

  (to FRANCIS) You bastard! Somebody put lime in my wine! All men are cheaters and schemers, but a coward is worse than a glass of wine with lime in it. A miserable coward! Go on, old Jack, die already. If there’s even one real man left on this earth besides me, then I’m as skinny as a herring. In all of England there are only three good men that haven’t been put to death, and one of them is fat and growing old. God help us all! It’s a bad world, I say. I wish I were a weaver; I could sing psalms while I was sewing. I’ll say it again: a curse on all cowards.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What’s the matter, you sack of wool? What are you muttering about?

  FALSTAFF

  A King’s son! If I don’t drive you out of the kingdom with a wooden dagger, and send your subjects running before you like a flock of geese, then I’ll never grow a beard again. You, Prince of Wales? What a joke!

  PRINCE HENRY

  You fat son of a whore, what’s the matter?

  FALSTAFF

  Aren’t you a coward? Tell me that. And Poins there?

  POINS

  Dammit, you fat belly. If you call me a coward, I swear, I’ll stab you.

  FALSTAFF

  I call you coward? I’d sooner see you damned than call you a coward, but I tell you; I’d give a thousand pounds to be able to run as fast as you can. You’ve got good-enough–looking shoulders; you don’t care who sees your back! Is that what you call backing up your friends? Damn anyone who backs up like that! I’d rather have a man who faces me. Give me some wine! I’ll be damned if I’ve had anything to drink today.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Liar! You’ve barely had time to wipe your lips since your last drink.

  FALSTAFF

  Whatever. (he drinks) A curse on all cowards, I still say.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What’s the matter?

  FALSTAFF

  What’s the matter? There are four of us here who stole a thousand pounds this very morning.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Where is it, Jack? Where is it?

  FALSTAFF

  Where is it? It was stolen from us. A hundred men against only four of us.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What, a hundred, man?

  FALSTAFF

  I’ll be damned if I didn’t fight with a dozen of them for two straight hours. It’s a miracle I managed to get away. They stabbed through my shirt eight times. Four through my pants. My shield’s got holes through and through. My sword’s as cut up as a hacksaw. Behold the evidence! It was the best fighting I’ve ever done, but even my all wasn’t enough. A curse on all cowards! (points to GADSHILL, PETO and BARDOLPH) Ask these men. If they don’t tell you the whole truth, they’re liars and devils.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Tell us, men. What happened?

  GADSHILL

  The four of us jumped about a dozen—

  FALSTAFF

  Sixteen at least, my lord.

  GADSHILL

  And tied them up.

  PETO

  No, no. We didn’t tie them up.

  FALSTAFF

  You jerk, we did tie them up, every single one of them, or I’m a Jew, a true Hebrew Jew.

  GADSHILL

  Then, when we were dividing the money, about six or seven other men jumped us—

  FALSTAFF

  And untied the rest, and then all the others showed up.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What, you fought with all of them?

  FALSTAFF

  All? I don’t know what you mean by “all.” But if I didn’t fight with fifty of them, I’m a bunch of radishes. If fifty-two or fifty-three of them didn’t attack me, then I’m no man.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I pray to God you didn’t kill any of them.

  FALSTAFF

  Too late for praying now. I made things hot for two of them; two I’m sure I got, two thugs wearing clothes made of buckram cloth. I’ll tell you what, Hal: if I’m lying to you, spit in my face and call me a horse. You know my old fighting stance. Here’s how I stood, and here’s how I handled my sword. Four thugs in buckram came right at me—

  PRINCE HENRY

  What? Four? You said two a second ago.

  FALSTAFF

  Four, Hal. I said four.

  POINS

  That’s right. He said four.

  FALSTAFF

  These four threw everything they had right at me. I made no big fuss of it; I just put up my shield and all seven of their swords hit it.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Seven? But just now there were only four.

  FALSTAFF

  Wearing buckram?

  POINS

  Yes. Four in clothes made of buckram.

  FALSTAFF

  Seven, I swear on my sword. If not, I’m a liar.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (to POINS, so no one else can hear) Leave him alone. There’ll be more in a minute.

  FALSTAFF

  Are you listening to me, Hal?

  PRINCE HENRY

  I’m listening, Jack.

  FALSTAFF

  Good, because it’s worth paying attention to. Anyway, these nine guys in buckram that I told you about—

  PRINCE HENRY

  So, two more already.

  FALSTAFF

  Since their points were broken—

  POINS

  Their stockings fell down.

  FALSTAFF

  They started to run away, but I followed them closely. And as quick as a thought, I finished off seven of the eleven.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Unbelievable! Eleven buckram men have grown out of two!

  FALSTAFF

  But as the devil would have it, three wretched bastards wearing green came from behind and ran right at me. It was so dark, Hal, that you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face.

  PRINCE HENRY

  These lies are like the man who tells them: huge as a mountain, obvious, and plain as day. You claybrained fatso, you knuckleheaded fool, you son of a whore, you obscene tub of lard—

  FALSTAFF

  What are you, crazy? Are you crazy? Isn’t the truth the truth?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, how could you know that these men were wearing green when it was so dark you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face? Go ahead, tell us. What do you have to say to that?

  POINS

  Come on, tell us, Jack, go on.

  FALSTAFF

  What, just because you command me? Dammit, if I were being tortured on all the contraptions in the world, I wouldn’t speak just because you commanded. Speak just because you command! If my reasons were as cheap as blackberries, I wouldn’t give away my reasons just because I was commanded. Not I.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I’m not going to put up with this any longer. This red-faced coward, this flattener of mattresses, this breaker of horses’ backs, this huge hill of flesh—

  FALSTAFF

  Dammit! You scarecrow, you skin of an elf, you dried-out ox’s tongue, you bull’s penis, you salted cod! Oh, I wish I had enough breath to tell you all the things you are! You yardstick, you empty sheath, you case for a violinist’s bow, you disgusting erect sword—

  PRINCE HENRY

  Catch your breath for a moment, then start again. And when you’ve tired yourself with these awful comparisons, listen to me say just one thing.

  POINS

  Listen closely, Jack.

  PRINCE HENRY

  The two of us saw you four jump four men, tie them up and take their money. Now listen to how the simple truth will shame you. Then the two of us jumped the four of you. And with just a word, we stole your prize from you. Now we have it, and we can show it to you right here in the bar. And Falstaff, you ran away as quickly and as lightfootedly, as a cow from the slaughter, screaming for mercy, as you ran and screamed. What a lowlife you are, to hack up your sword and say it happened in a fight! What outrageous story, what trick, what hiding place can you possibly find to hide you from your open and obvious shame?