Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, and PAGE

  FALSTAFF

  35

  How now! Whose mare’s dead? What’s the matter?

  FANG

  Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.

  FALSTAFF

  Away, varlets!—Draw, Bardolph. Cut me off the villain’s head. Throw the quean in the channel.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Throw me in the channel? I’ll throw thee in the channel.

  40

  Wilt thou, wilt thou, thou bastardly rogue?—Murder, murder!—Ah, thou honeysuckle villain, wilt thou kill God’s officers and the King’s? Ah, thou honeyseed rogue, thou art a honeyseed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller.

  FALSTAFF

  Keep them off, Bardolph.

  FANG

  45

  A rescue, a rescue!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Good people, bring a rescue or two.— (to FALSTAFF) Thou wot, wot thou? Thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou rogue. Do, thou hempseed.

  FALSTAFF

  Away, you scullion, you rampallion, you fustilarian! I’ll

  50

  tickle your catastrophe.

  Enter the Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and his men

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What is the matter? Keep the peace here, ho!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you stand to me.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  How now, Sir John? What, are you brawling here?

  Doth this become your place, your time, and business?

  55

  You should have been well on your way to York.—

  (to FANG) Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang’st thou upon him?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O my most worshipful lord, an ’t please your Grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  For what sum?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  60

  It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home. He hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his. (to FALSTAFF) But I will have some of it out again, or I will ride thee o’ nights like the mare.

  FALSTAFF

  I think I am as like to ride the mare if I have any vantage of

  65

  ground to get up.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  How comes this, Sir John? Fie, what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own?

  FALSTAFF

  70

  (to MISTRESS QUICKLY) What is the gross sum that I owe thee?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin chamber at the round table by a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the

  75

  Prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor, thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher’s wife, come in then and call me Gossip Quickly, coming in

  80

  to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told thee they were ill for a green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone downstairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people, saying that ere long

  85

  they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath. Deny it if thou canst.

  FALSTAFF

  My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath been in

  90

  good case, and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But, for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress against them.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a

  95

  confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration. You have, as it appears to me, practiced upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse and in person.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  100

  Yea, in truth, my lord.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Pray thee, peace.— (to FALSTAFF) Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villany you have done her. The one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.

  FALSTAFF

  105

  My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You call honorable boldness “impudent sauciness.” If a man will make curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my humble duty remembered, I will not be your suitor. I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these

  110

  officers, being upon hasty employment in the King’s affairs.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  You speak as having power to do wrong; but answer in th’ effect of your reputation, and satisfy this poor woman.

  FALSTAFF

  Come hither, hostess.

  FALSTAFF takes MISTRESS QUICKLY aside

  Enter GOWER

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Now, Master Gower, what news?

  GOWER

  115

  The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales

  Are near at hand. The rest the paper tells.

  FALSTAFF

  As I am a gentleman!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Faith, you said so before.

  FALSTAFF

  As I am a gentleman. Come. No more words of it.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  120

  By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn both my plate and the tapestry of my dining chambers.

  FALSTAFF

  Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking. And for thy walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the Prodigal or the German hunting in waterwork is worth a thousand of these

  125

  bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst. Come, an ’twere not for thy humors, there’s not a better wench in England. Go wash thy face, and draw the action. Come, thou must not be in this humor with me. Dost not know me? Come, come, I know thou

  130

  wast set on to this.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles. I’ faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la.

  FALSTAFF

  Let it alone. I’ll make other shift. You’ll be a fool still.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown. I hope

  135

  you’ll come to supper. You’ll pay me all together?

  FALSTAFF

  Will I live? (to BARDOLPH) Go with her, with her. Hook on, hook on.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?

  FALSTAFF

  No more words. Let’s have her.

  Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY, FANG, SNARE, BARDOLPH, and the PAGE

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  140

  I have heard better news.

  FALSTAFF

  What’s the news, my good lord?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Where lay the King last night?

  GOWER

  At Basingstoke, my lord.

  FALSTAFF

  I hope, my lord, all’s well. What is the news, my lord?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  145

  Come all his forces back?

  GOWER

  No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse

  Are marched up to my Lord of Lancaster

  Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.

  FALSTAFF

  Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  150

  You shall have letters of me presently.

  Come. Go along with me, good Master Gower.

  FALSTAFF

  My lord!

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What’s the matter?

  FALSTAFF

  Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?

  GOWER

  155

  I must wait upon my good lord here. I thank you, good Sir John.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go.

  FALSTAFF

  Will you sup with me, Master Gower?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  160

  What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John?

  FALSTAFF

  Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that taught them me.—This is the right fencing grace, my lord: tap for tap, and so part fair.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Now the Lord lighten thee. Thou art a great fool.

  Exeunt

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 1

  Modern Text

  MISTRESS QUICKLY enters with Sheriff FANG. Deputy SNARE follows.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Master Fang, have you filed the lawsuit?

  FANG

  It’s filed.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Where’s your deputy? Is he a strong deputy? Will he rise to the occasion?

  FANG

  Sirrah, where’s Snare?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh my goodness! Master Snare!

  SNARE

  Here, here.

  FANG

  Snare, we’ve got to arrest Sir John Falstaff.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Yes, good Master Snare. I’ve filed the suit against him and everything.

  SNARE

  It could cost some of us our lives: he’ll stab.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh my goodness! Watch out for him: he stabbed me in my own house, and it was nasty. I swear, he doesn’t care what trouble he causes. Once he’s got his weapon out, he’ll thrust it like the devil. He won’t spare man, woman, or child.

  FANG

  If I can get close to him, I won’t worry about his thrusting.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Me neither. I’ll be right next to you.

  FANG

  If I can grab him once, if he just comes within my grasp–

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I’m bankrupt from his never paying. He’s run up an infinitive bill with me. Catch him, Master Fang! Don’t let him get away, Master Snare! He’s always going to Pie Corner—sorry to mention it—to buy a saddle. And every day he gets indited to lunch with Master Smooth the silk seller, at the Leopard’s Head on Lumbert Street. Please bring him to justice. I’ve been entered—I mean, my lawsuit’s been entered at court, and the whole world knows how easy I am—I mean how easy it was for him to rip me off. A hundred marks is a lot for a poor, solitary woman to take. And I’ve taken it, and taken it, and taken it. And I’ve been fobbed off and fobbed off and fobbed off, day in and day out. It’s horrible to even think about. That’s a terrible way to treat people, unless you think that every woman should be made an ass and an animal, and that she should be opened to every jerk’s molestation. Here he comes, with that notorious wine-faced crook, Bardolph. Do me a favor and do me your jobs, Master Fang and Master Snare. Do me! Do me! Do me a favor and do me your jobs!

  FALSTAFF, his PAGE, and BARDOLPH enter.

  FALSTAFF

  What’s going on? Whose horse died? What’s the matter?

  FANG

  Sir John, you’re under arrest for charges brought by Mistress Quickly.

  FALSTAFF

  Get out of here, you crooks! Draw your sword, Bardolph. Cut off this rascal’s head, and throw this whore in the gutter.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Throw me in the gutter? I’ll throw you in the gutter. You will? You will? You bastardly cheat! Murder! Murder! Oh, you honeysuckle criminal! You’re going to kill God’s sheriffs, and the King’s? Oh, you honey-seed creep! You’re a honey-seed, a man-killer, and a woman-killer.

  FALSTAFF

  Keep them off me, Bardolph.

  FANG

  An escape! An escape!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Somebody, bring an escape or two! (to FALSTAFF) You will, will you? You will, will you? Go ahead, go ahead, you scoundrel! You hemp-seed!

  FALSTAFF

  Get off, you serving wench! You ruffian! You fat old hag! I’ll beat you on the backside!

  The Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and his men enter.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What’s the matter? Let’s have some order here!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Good sir, be good to me. I beg you, stand up for me.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well if it isn’t Sir John! Are you making trouble here? Is this appropriate for a man of your position, your age, and your responsibilities? You should be well on your way to York by now. (to FANG) Get off him, man. Why are you holding him?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh, most excellent lord, begging your pardon: I’m a poor Eastcheap widow, and he’s arrested on charges I brought against him.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What sum does he owe you?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  It’s more than some, sir: it’s all, all that I have. He’s eaten me out of house and home. He’s put everything I own into that fat belly of his. (to FALSTAFF) But I’ll get some of it back again, or I’ll ride you all night like a bad dream.

  FALSTAFF

  I think I might just ride you, if I get the chance to mount you.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What is this, Sir John? Damn! How could any decent man put up with this storm of screaming and cursing? Aren’t you ashamed to force a poor widow to take these extreme measures simply to get what’s hers?

  FALSTAFF

  (to MISTRESS QUICKLY) What’s the total I owe you?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  My goodness! If you were an honest man, you’d give yourself to me, as well as the money. You swore to me—over a gold-plated wine goblet, in the Dolphin Room in my tavern, at the round table, next to the fire, on the Wednesday seven weeks after Easter, when the Prince swung at your head for claiming his father was a fake—you swore, while I was cleaning your wounds, to marry me and make me a proper lady and your wife. Can you deny it? Didn’t Mrs. Baconfat, the butcher’s wife, come into the room then and ask to borrow some vinegar, saying that she had some good prawns—and you wanted to eat some, and I told you that it was a bad idea, to eat shrimp when you had a fresh wound—and when she left, didn’t you tell me to stop being friends with low types like her, because before long we’d be married and I’d be a proper lady? And didn’t you kiss me and tell me to lend you thirty shillings? Put your hand on the bible and deny it, if you dare.

  FALSTAFF

  Sir, this is a poor, insane soul. She’s been saying all over town that her oldest son looks just like you. She was once rich, but poverty has driven her crazy. Now, as for these two foolish officers, I would like to press charges against them.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Sir John, Sir John. I know too well how you are accustomed to turning the truth into a big lie. But neither your confident demeanor nor the storm of words that accompanies your insolent disrespect will sway me from making a just consideration. As far as I can see, you’ve taken advantage of this trusting woman, and you’ve made her give you cash and other favors.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Yes, truthfully, sir.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Quiet, please. (to FALSTAFF) Pay her what you owe her, and undo the wrongdoings you’ve done to her. You can do the first with money, and the second with a sincere apology.

  FALSTAFF

  Sir, I will not put up with this snub without a reply. You call my brave, honorable dealings insolent disrespect. Does a man have to stand here, silent and bowing, to be a virtuous man? No, sir. With all due respect, I won’t bow down to you. I say that I want to be set free by these officers, seeing as I have urgent work to do for the King.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  You talk as though you have permission to break the law. But act appropriately to your status: satisfy this poor woman.

  FALSTAFF

  Come here, hostess.

  FALSTAFF takes MISTRESS QUICKLY aside.

  GOWER enters.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Master Gower, what’s going on?

  GOWER

  My lord, the King and Harry Prince of Wales are nearby. This letter will tell you the rest.

  FALSTAFF

  On my honor.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Honestly, that’s what you said before.

  FALSTAFF

  On my honor. Come, let’s not talk about it anymore.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  By heaven above and below, I’ll have to pawn my good china and the tapestries in my dining rooms.

  FALSTAFF

  It’s not such a big deal. Glass is the only good thing to drink out of anyway. And as for the walls, something pretty and comical—or a depiction of the prodigal son; or maybe one of those German hunting scenes, painted on the wall to look like a tapestry—why, those are worth a thousand of those bed curtains and moth-eaten tapestries. Let me borrow just ten pounds, all right? Come on—other than your moodiness, you’re the best wench in England. Go wash your face and withdraw the lawsuit. Come on—don’t be this way with me. Don’t you know me? Come, come, I know somebody put you up to this.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Please, Sir John, let’s call it twenty nobles. I don’t want to have to pawn my china, in God’s name!

  FALSTAFF

  All right, forget it. I’ll figure something else out. You’ll always be a fool.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  All right, I’ll lend it to you, even if I have to pawn my clothes. I hope you’ll have dinner here tonight. You’ll pay me the full amount then?

  FALSTAFF

  Will I live? (to BARDOLPH) Go, stick with her, stick with her. Don’t let her out of your sight.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY