CHIEF JUSTICE

  I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your

  120

  life, to come speak with me.

  FALSTAFF

  As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of this land-service, I did not come.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.

  FALSTAFF

  He that buckles him in my belt cannot live in less.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

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  Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.

  FALSTAFF

  I would it were otherwise. I would my means were greater and my waist slender.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  You have misled the youthful Prince.

  FALSTAFF

  The young Prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the

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  great belly, and he my dog.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound. Your day’s service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s exploit on Gad’s Hill. You may thank th’ unquiet time for your quiet o’erposting that action.

  FALSTAFF

  135

  My lord.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  But since all is well, keep it so. Wake not a sleeping wolf.

  FALSTAFF

  To wake a wolf is as bad as to smell a fox.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.

  FALSTAFF

  A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow. If I did say of wax, my

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  growth would approve the truth.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  There is not a white hair on your face but should have his effect of gravity.

  FALSTAFF

  His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  You follow the young Prince up and down like his ill angel.

  FALSTAFF

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  Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light, but I hope he that looks upon me will take me without weighing. And yet in some respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of so little regard in these costermongers’ times that true valor is turned bear-herd; pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath

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  his quick wit wasted in giving reckonings. All the other gifts appurtenant to man, as the malice of this age shapes them, are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the capacities of us that are young. You do measure the heat of our livers with the bitterness of your galls, and we that are

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  in the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written down old with all the characters of age? Have you not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard, a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice

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  broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single, and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John.

  FALSTAFF

  My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon, with a white head and something a round belly.

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  For my voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To approve my youth further, I will not. The truth is, I am only old in judgment and understanding. And he that will caper with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money, and have at him! For the box of the ear

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  that the Prince gave you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have checked him for it, and the young lion repents. Marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, God send the Prince a better companion.

  FALSTAFF

  175

  God send the companion a better prince. I cannot rid my hands of him.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, the King hath severed you and Prince Harry. I hear you are going with Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.

  FALSTAFF

  180

  Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray, all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that our armies join not in a hot day, for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily. If it be a hot day and I brandish anything but a bottle, I would I

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  might never spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever. But it was always yet the trick of our English nation, if they have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs say I am an old man, you should

  190

  give me rest. I would to God my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were better to be eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to nothing with perpetual motion.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your expedition!

  FALSTAFF

  Will your Lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish

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  me forth?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Not a penny, not a penny. You are too impatient to bear crosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my cousin Westmoreland.

  Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT

  FALSTAFF

  If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no

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  more separate age and covetousness than he can part young limbs and lechery; but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches the other, and so both the degrees prevent my curses.—Boy!

  PAGE

  Sir.

  FALSTAFF

  205

  What money is in my purse?

  PAGE

  Seven groats and two pence.

  FALSTAFF

  I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse. Borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster, this

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  to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the first white hair on my chin. About it. You know where to find me.

  Exit PAGE

  A pox of this gout! Or, a gout of this pox, for the one or the

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  other plays the rogue with my great toe. ’Tis no matter if I do halt. I have the wars for my color, and my pension shall seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of anything. I will turn diseases to commodity.

  Exit

  ACT 1, SCENE 2

  Modern Text

  Sir John FALSTAFF enters with his PAGE, who carries a sword and shield.

  FALSTAFF

  Sirrah, you giant, what did the doctor say about my urine?

  PAGE

  He said that the urine itself was good, healthy urine, but that the man who owned it probably had more diseases than he could tell.

  FALSTAFF

  All kinds of people make it a matter of pride to heckle me. No man—that foolishly assembled lump of clay—could ever invent something quite as funny as I seem to be to other people. I’m not only witty on my own, but I bring out wit in other people. Look at the two of us, walking here: I look like a sow that’s smothered all of her baby pigs, except for you. If the Prince sent you to serve me for any other reason than to irritate me, I’m a fool. You weedy little son of a bitch: you’re so tiny that you should be a decoration on my hat, not a servant at my feet. I’ve never had a servant before who was as tiny as a ring stone. But I won’t set you in a gold or silver ring; I’ll wrap you in rags and send you back to your master, to be used as a jewel—that youth, the Prince your master, whose chin is still lacking a beard. Why, I’ll grow a beard in the palm of my hand before he’ll have one that he can shave off his face. And yet, this doesn’t stop him from claiming that he has a face for royalty. Well, God will give him a beard whenever he chooses to—there’s not a hair out of place yet. It’s a good thing the Prince’s face is a royal, because a barber will never earn a coin from shaving it. And still, the Prince brags that he’s been a full-grown man since before he was born. He can keep that title, for all I care; I have no affection for him now, I can assure him. What did Master Dommelton say about the satin for my cape and baggy trousers?

  PAGE

  He said that you have to give him a better guarantee of payment than just saying Bardolph was good for it. He wouldn’t accept Bardolph’s promise or yours; he felt that neither should be trusted.

  FALSTAFF

  Damn him to hell then, just like Dives in the Bible—the rich glutton who rejected the beggar Lazarus! And may Dommelton burn even hotter! He’s a son-of-a-bitch traitor! A two-faced liar, who smiles and says “Yes sir, that’ll be fine” to my face, and then demands a guarantee of payment! These bastard shopkeepers, with their fashionable short haircuts, and fancy shoes, and their fat key chains on their belts—you make an agreement to put something on credit, and then they throw a “guarantee of payment” at you. I would rather eat rat poison than guarantee my payment. I expected him to send me twenty-two yards of satin, and instead he sends me a “guarantee of payment.” Well, let him guarantee himself a good night’s sleep. After all, his wife’s in somebody else’s bed, so why not? She’s practically shining a spotlight on her adultery, but he’s so clueless he can’t even tell. Where’s Bardolph?

  PAGE

  He went to Smithfield to buy you a horse, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  I bought Bardolph at St. Paul’s Cathedral, and he’s buying me a horse in Smithfield. Now if he could just find me a wife in a whorehouse, I’d be fully stocked with high-quality servants, horses, and wives.

  The Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and his SERVANT enter.

  PAGE

  Sir, here comes the man who put the Prince in jail for hitting him during that argument about Bardolph.

  FALSTAFF

  Hide; I don’t want to talk to him.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Who is that man?

  SERVANT

  Falstaff, if it please you, sir.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  The man who was a suspect in that robbery?

  SERVANT

  That’s the one. But he did good work in the Battle of Shrewsbury, and I hear he’s taking some soldiers to help Lord John of Lancaster.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Where, to York? Tell him to come here.

  SERVANT

  Sir John Falstaff!

  FALSTAFF

  Boy, tell him I’m deaf.

  PAGE

  You have to speak up; my master is deaf.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  I’m sure he is, when anything good’s being said. Go, tap him on the shoulder. I must speak with him.

  SERVANT

  Sir John!

  FALSTAFF

  What? A young troublemaker? A beggar? Isn’t there a war on? Isn’t there work to do? Doesn’t the King need subjects? Don’t the rebels need soldiers? Though it’s shameful to be on any side but the King’s, it’s even more shameful to be an idle beggar than a soldier on the wrong side—even if the rebellion were more despicable than the word “rebellion” already leads me to believe.

  SERVANT

  You’re mistaken, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  Why is that? Did I say you were an honest man? Because, setting aside the fact that I’m knight and a soldier, I’d be nothing but a liar if I said that.

  SERVANT

  Then please, sir, set aside your knighthood and your soldiership and let me tell you that you’re a deliberate liar, if you say I’m anything other than an honest man.

  FALSTAFF

  Should I allow you to say that? Should I set aside something that’s mine by right? If I allow you anything, hang me. If you allow yourself, hang you. You’re running in the wrong direction: get out of here! Go!

  SERVANT

  Sir, my master wants to speak with you.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Sir John Falstaff, I’d like a word with you.

  FALSTAFF

  My good sir! God grant you a good day! It’s great to see you out and about: I’d heard you were sick. I hope your doctor knows you’re out. Though you’re not entirely past your youth, your lordship, you have a touch of age in you, a touch of the passage of time, and I must humbly urge you to take good care of your health.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Sir John, I sent for you to come see me before you left for Shrewsbury.

  FALSTAFF

  If you don’t mind my saying so, I hear the King is back from Wales and it didn’t go so well.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  I’m not talking about the King. You didn’t come when I sent for you.

  FALSTAFF

  And I also hear that the King has fallen into a terrible paralysis.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, God give him a speedy recovery. Please, let me speak with you.

  FALSTAFF

  His paralysis is, as I understand it, a kind of lethargy, if it please you. It’s a sleepiness in the blood, a nasty tingling.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Why are you telling me this? Let it be.

  FALSTAFF

  It comes from heavy sadness; from too much reading, and too much thinking. I read about it in the reference books: it’s a kind of deafness.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  I think you must have that disease as well, because you’re not hearing a word I’m saying.

  FALSTAFF

  Very likely, my lord, very likely. But actually, sir, I have the not-listening disease; I have the not-paying-attention sickness.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  The cure for that illness would be to put you in shackles, and I wouldn’t mind being your doctor.

  FALSTAFF

  I may be as poor as Job, but I’m not as patient. You may be able to throw me in jail because of my poverty, but some people might have slight reservations about that.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  I sent for you to come speak with me. There were charges against you that might have earned you the death penalty.

  FALSTAFF

  I was advised that, since I was working for the army at the time, I shouldn’t go.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  The truth is, Sir John, that you are massively notorious.

  FALSTAFF

  Anybody who wears a belt this big couldn’t be anything less than massive.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Your bank account is thin, and yet you put it to huge waste.

  FALSTAFF

  I wish it were the other way around: that my bank account were huge and my waist were thin.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  You’ve misled the young Prince.

  FALSTAFF

  The young Prince has misled me. I’m the man with the big belly, and he’s the dog who walks in front of me.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, I’d rather not open up a wound that’s just healed. The good work you did at Shrewsbury has made up a little for the bad thing you did at Gad’s Hill. You can thank the rebellion for helping you get away with that terrible deed.

  FALSTAFF

  Really?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  But since things are calm now, let’s keep them that way. We won’t wake a sleeping wolf.

  FALSTAFF

  To wake a wolf is as bad as to smell a fox.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What? You’re like a candle, half burned out.

  FALSTAFF

  Maybe, if I were a big, fat holiday candle made of animal fat. But you’d be better off saying that I’m a wax candle: I keep “waxing” larger and larger.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Your gray beard should be a sign that you’re a man of gravity.

  FALSTAFF

  I’m a man of gravy, gravy, gravy.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  You follow the young Prince everywhere, like a false angel on his shoulder.

  FALSTAFF

  That’s not so, my lord. False angels are light, and anyone can see without having to weigh me that I’m too heavy. But I don’t know; in some ways, you’re right. I’m not for these times. Virtue counts for so little in this commercial world of ours. True courage is worthless; it’s only used by animal trainers in the bear-baiting rings. Intelligence is good for nobody but bartenders, who waste their wits totaling up tavern bills. In these mean-spirited days, man’s best qualities aren’t worth a thing. You older folks don’t value us young people. You measure our fiery passion according to your melancholic bitterness. And I have to tell you, those of us who are highly advanced in our youth, we’re spirited as well as young.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  You’d add your name to the list of the young? You, who have age written all over you? Don’t you have mucus in your eyes? Dry skin? Jaundice? A white beard? An arthritic leg? A growing belly? Isn’t your voice scratchy? Your breath short? Your chin doubled? Your last wit abandoned? Isn’t every part of you devastated by age? And still you call yourself young? Shame on you, Sir John.

  FALSTAFF

  Sir, I was born around three o’clock in the afternoon, with a white head and a bit of a round belly. As for my scratchy voice, I lost it through shouting and singing loud songs. But I won’t try to prove how young I am any longer. I have only one trait of old age, and that is wisdom. If somebody wants to challenge me to a dance contest for a thousand-mark wager, let him hand me the money and off we go. Now, as for the fact that the Prince hit you on the head, he did it like a rude prince and you took it like a sensible gentleman. I reprimanded him for it, and he repents. He’s not wearing the traditional sackcloth and ashes, for sure, but he’s repenting in silk cloth and wine.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  May God send the Prince a better friend!

  FALSTAFF

  May God send the friend a better prince! I can’t get him off my hands!

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, the King has separated you and Prince Harry. I hear you’re going with John of Lancaster to go fight Northumberland and the Archbishop.

  FALSTAFF

  Yes, and thanks for reminding me. I hope that all of you who stay home, safe and sound, will say a prayer that we soldiers don’t end up in some hot battle. For, by the Lord, I’ve only packed two shirts, and I don’t want to sweat too much. If things get hot and I pull out any other weapon besides a bottle, I’ll never drink wine again. I get sent out on every dangerous assignment that comes up. Well, I can’t live forever. That’s the thing about the English: when they have something good, they use it continually. If you’re going to insist that I’m an old man, then let me rest. I wish to God the enemy weren’t as scared of me as they are: I’d rather sit and rust than be worn out by all this work.