WORCESTER

  These Scotsmen that you’ve taken prisoner —

  HOTSPUR

  I’ll keep them all. By God, the King won’t get a single Scot, even if having a Scot would save his soul! I’ll keep them, I swear.

  WORCESTER

  You’re off again and not listening to me. You will get to keep the prisoners —

  HOTSPUR

  Yes, I will; there’s no doubt about it. The King said he would not pay ransom for Mortimer. He forbid me from speaking of Mortimer. But I’ll find him when he’s sleeping, and I’ll shout “Mortimer!” into his ears. No; I’ll get a bird and teach it to say nothing but “Mortimer,” and I’ll give it to the King to anger him forever.

  WORCESTER

  Listen, nephew, please.

  HOTSPUR

  From now on, all other pursuits I’ll cast aside, except for scheming how to aggravate this Bolingbroke and his son, the lowlife Prince of Wales. If it weren’t for the fact that I suspect Henry doesn’t love his son, and that he’d be glad to see misfortune befall him, I’d poison the Prince’s ale.

  WORCESTER

  Goodbye, nephew. I’ll talk to you when you’re in a better mood to listen.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  (to HOTSPUR) You are an impatient and short-tempered fool to start nattering on like a woman, not listening to any voice but your own!

  HOTSPUR

  Listen, I feel like I’m being whipped with sticks and stung by ants when I hear about this vile politician, Bolingbroke. When Richard was alive—what is that place called? Damn, it’s in Gloucestershire; it’s where that crazy duke’s uncle lived, his uncle York. It’s where I first met this lying Bolingbroke, and bowed to him.—Shoot!—It happened when you and Bolingbroke came back from Ravenspurgh.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  At Berkley castle.

  HOTSPUR

  Right. What great courtesy that flattering dog paid me! “The promise of his childhood has come true,” he said. “Gentle Harry Percy,” he called me, and “kind kinsman.” To hell with liars like him! — I’m sorry. Uncle, go on. I’m done.

  WORCESTER

  No, if you’re not done yet, keep going. We’ll wait until you’re ready.

  HOTSPUR

  I’m done. I swear.

  WORCESTER

  Then go back to your Scottish prisoners. Release them at once, without ransom. Make friends with Douglas, and use his influence to gather an army in Scotland. He’ll gladly help you for many reasons, which I’ll write you about soon. (to NORTHUMBERLAND) Now you, sir. While your son is busy in Scotland, you will strike up a close alliance with the Archbishop, that noble, well-beloved churchman.

  HOTSPUR

  He is the Archbishop of York, no?

  WORCESTER

  Yes, and he’s sorely upset about his brother, Lord Scroop, whom Bolingbroke put to death in Bristol. I’m not merely speculating; I’m telling you what I know for a fact has been considered, plotted, and set into motion. They’re only waiting now for the right moment to strike.

  HOTSPUR

  I get it. And it’s good, I bet my life on it!

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  Look, you’ve let your dogs slip off of their leashes before the hunt has even begun.

  HOTSPUR

  There’s no way this excellent plan won’t work. And the armies of Scotland and York will join with Mortimer, right?

  WORCESTER

  Yes, they will.

  HOTSPUR

  I swear, it’s extremely well thought out.

  WORCESTER

  And we’ve got good reasons to hurry and save ourselves by raising an army. No matter how hard we try to look like everything’s fine, the King will always think he owes us for having helped him take the throne, and he’ll worry that we don’t feel we’ve been properly compensated. Until he finds a way to pay us for good—by killing us. You can see that he’s already begun to distance himself from us.

  HOTSPUR

  He has, he has. We’ll get revenge!

  WORCESTER

  Nephew, farewell. Don’t do any more than I tell you to do in the letters I’ll write you. When the time comes, which will be soon, I’ll sneak off to Glendower and Mortimer. I’ll plan it so that you, Douglas and all our armies will arrive together. Then we can face our future with strength instead of the uncertainty we feel now.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  So long, brother. I believe we’ll prevail.

  HOTSPUR

  Good bye, uncle. Oh, I hope it won’t be long until battlefields and collisions and groans are witnesses to our game of war!

  They exit.

  Prisoners taken in battle were supposed to be turned over to the King so that he could collect ransoms from them. Hotspur’s refusal to do this breaks the usual rules and upsets King Henry.

  The following banter about the hostess of the tavern depends on puns that suggest she’s not only running a legitimate business (the bar), but an illegal one as well (a house of prostitution).

  Hybla is a place in Sicily that is famous for its bees and honey.

  Shakespeare’s line had the added suggestion that Hal has slept with the hostess.

  suits = petitions

  In Shakespeare’s time it was believed that eating rabbit caused depression. Moorditch was an open ditch that served as London’s main sewer channel.

  Hal is teasing Falstaff for acting like a teenager, even though he’s an old man.

  Worcester, Northumberland, and Hotspur are all members of the Percy family.

  parmaceti = spermaceti, a medicinal ointment derived from fat taken from a sperm whale’s head

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 1

  Original Text

  Enter a CARRIER with a lantern in his hand

  FIRST CARRIER

  Heigh-ho! An it be not four by the day, I’ll be hanged. Charles’s Wain is over the new chimney, and yet our horse not packed.—What, ostler!

  OSTLER

  (within) Anon, anon.

  FIRST CARRIER

  5

  I prithee, Tom, beat Cut’s saddle. Put a few flocks in the point. Poor jade is wrung in the withers out of all cess.

  Enter another CARRIER

  SECOND CARRIER

  Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog, and that is the next way to give poor jades the bots. This house is turned upside down since Robin ostler died.

  FIRST CARRIER

  10

  Poor fellow never joyed since the price of oats rose. It was the death of him.

  SECOND CARRIER

  I think this be the most villanous house in all London road for fleas. I am stung like a tench.

  FIRST CARRIER

  Like a tench? By the Mass, there is ne’er a king christen

  15

  could be better bit than I have been since the first cock.

  SECOND CARRIER

  Why, they will allow us ne’er a jordan, and then we leak in your chimney, and your chamber-lye breeds fleas like a loach.

  FIRST CARRIER

  What, ostler, come away and be hanged. Come away.

  SECOND CARRIER

  I have a gammon of bacon and two races of ginger to be delivered as far as Charing Cross.

  FIRST CARRIER

  God’s body, the turkeys in my pannier are quite starved.—What, ostler! A plague on thee! Hast thou never an eye in thy head? Canst not hear? An ’twere not as good deed as

  25

  drink to break the pate on thee, I am a very villain. Come, and be hanged. Hast no faith in thee?

  Enter GADSHILL

  GADSHILL

  Good morrow, carriers. What’s o’clock?

  FIRST CARRIER

  I think it be two o’clock.

  GADSHILL

  I prithee, lend me thy lantern to see my gelding in the stable.

  FIRST CARRIER

  30

  Nay, by God, soft. I know a trick worth two of that, i’ faith.

  GADSHILL

  (to SECOND CARRIER) I pray thee, lend me thine.

  SECOND CARRIER

  Ay, when, canst tell? “Lend me thy lantern,” quoth he. Marry, I’ll see thee hanged first.

  GADSHILL

  Sirrah carrier, what time do you mean to come to London?

  SECOND CARRIER

  35

  Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant thee. Come, neighbour Mugs, we’ll call up the gentlemen. They will along with company, for they have great charge.

  Exeunt CARRIERS

  GADSHILL

  What ho, chamberlain!

  CHAMBERLAIN

  (within) At hand, quoth pickpurse.

  GADSHILL

  40

  That’s even as fair as “at hand, quoth the Chamberlain,” for thou variest no more from picking of purses than giving direction doth from laboring: thou layest the plot how.

  Enter CHAMBERLAIN

  CHAMBERLAIN

  Good morrow, Master Gadshill. It holds current that I told you yesternight: there’s a franklin in the Wild of Kent hath

  45

  brought three hundred marks with him in gold. I heard him tell it to one of his company last night at supper—a kind of auditor, one that hath abundance of charge too, God knows what. They are up already and call for eggs and butter. They will away presently.

  GADSHILL

  50

  Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas’ clerks, I’ll give thee this neck.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  No, I’ll none of it. I pray thee keep that for the hangman, for I know thou worshipest Saint Nicholas as truly as a man of falsehood may.

  GADSHILL

  55

  What talkest thou to me of the hangman? If I hang, I’ll make a fat pair of gallows, for if I hang, old Sir John hangs with me, and thou knowest he is no starveling. Tut, there are other Troyans that thou dream’st not of, the which for sport sake are content to do the profession some grace, that

  60

  would, if matters should be looked into, for their own credit sake make all whole. I am joined with no foot-land-rakers, no long-staff sixpenny strikers, none of these mad mustachio purple-hued malt-worms, but with nobility and tranquillity, burgomasters and great oneyers, such as can

  65

  hold in, such as will strike sooner than speak, and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner than pray, and yet, zounds, I lie, for they pray continually to their saint the commonwealth, or rather not pray to her but prey on her, for they ride up and down on her and make her their boots.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  70

  What, the commonwealth their boots? Will she hold out water in foul way?

  GADSHILL

  She will, she will. Justice hath liquored her. We steal as in a castle, cocksure. We have the receipt of fern seed; we walk invisible.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  75

  Nay, by my faith, I think you are more beholding to the night than to fern seed for your walking invisible.

  GADSHILL

  Give me thy hand. Thou shalt have a share in our purchase, as I am a true man.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  Nay, rather let me have it as you are a false thief.

  GADSHILL

  80

  Go to. Homo is a common name to all men. Bid the ostler bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell, you muddy knave.

  Exeunt

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 1

  Modern Text

  FIRST CARRIER enters, holding a lantern.

  FIRST CARRIER

  I’ll be damned if it isn’t 4 A.M. already. The Big Dipper has already risen above the chimney, and our horses aren’t ready yet. Hey, ostler!

  OSTLER

  (offstage) Just a second!

  FIRST CARRIER

  Hey, Tom, give the saddle of my horse, Cut, a few whacks to soften it up, and stuff some wool under it—the old nag’s got some bad bruises on her shoulders.

  SECOND CARRIER enters.

  SECOND CARRIER

  The feed here’s as damp as anything. That’s a fast way for a horse to get parasites. This stable’s upside down since Ostler Robin died.

  FIRST CARRIER

  Poor guy. Once the price of oats went up, he was never happy again. It killed him.

  SECOND CARRIER

  This stable’s got worse fleas than any in London. I’m stung like a tench.

  FIRST CARRIER

  Like a tench? I’m telling you, not even a king could be bitten more than I’ve been bitten since midnight.

  SECOND CARRIER

  They don’t even give us a bathroom. So we pee in the fireplace, and you know that urine breeds fleas like nobody’s business.

  FIRST CARRIER

  Hey, ostler! Come on already, damn you!

  SECOND CARRIER

  I’ve got to deliver a ham and some ginger root all the way to Charing Cross.

  FIRST CARRIER

  God almighty! The turkeys I’m carrying are starving! Hey, Stable-boy! Curse you! Can’t you see? Can’t you hear? If it isn’t a good idea to knock you on the head, I’m a fool. Come on, damn you! Can’t we trust you to do your job?

  GADSHILL enters.

  GADSHILL

  Morning, deliverymen. What time is it?

  FIRST CARRIER

  I think it’s two o’clock.

  GADSHILL

  Let me borrow your lantern so I can check on my horse in the stable.

  FIRST CARRIER

  No way, by God; just hold on a minute. I know a few tricks like that myself, I swear.

  GADSHILL

  (to SECOND CARRIER) Please, let me borrow yours.

  SECOND CARRIER

  Sure, whenever. Whatever you say. “Let me borrow your lantern,” he says? Yeah, right. I’ll see you dead first.

  GADSHILL

  Sirrah, what time do you plan to be in London?

  SECOND CARRIER

  At a reasonable enough time. (to FIRST CARRIER) Come on, Mugs, old friend. Let’s wake up the gentlemen. They want to travel in a group because they’re carrying a lot of valuables.

  Both CARRIERS exit.

  GADSHILL

  Hey, chamberlain!

  CHAMBERLAIN

  (offstage) “I’m there for you,” as the pickpockets say!

  GADSHILL

  That’s as good as saying, “‘I’m there for you,’ said the chamberlain.” You’re only as different from a pickpocket as a supervisor is from a worker; you’re the one who sets the plans.

  The CHAMBERLAIN enters.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  Morning, Mr. Gadshill. What I told you last night is still true. There’s a rich landowner all the way from Kent staying here, and he’s got three hundred gold coins with him. I heard him say so to a man at supper last night. That man’s some kind of tax collector, and he has plenty of money with him, too. They just woke up and they’ve ordered breakfast; they’ll be leaving soon.

  GADSHILL

  Sirrah, if they don’t run into some highway robbers today, you can have my neck.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  I don’t want it; keep it for the hangman. I know you worship the patron saint of highway robbery, as much as a godless man like you worships anything.

  GADSHILL

  Why are you taking to me about the hangman? If I hang, I’ll make half of a fat pair on the gallows, because if I hang, old Sir John will be hanging right with me—and he’s not exactly thin. Please! Our gang has some members you could never guess, and for their own amusement, they’re happy to lend the profession of thievery some respect. If we were ever investigated, they would smooth everything over. I’ve got no wandering highwaymen, no thieves with homemade weapons, no red-faced drunks with crazy mustaches. Only men of calm and noble demeanor for me: magistrates and court officials. Men who can keep a secret; who’d rather smack you than speak, rather speak than drink, and rather drink than pray.—No! That’s a lie! They pray all the time to England, their patron saint. Or rather, they don’t pray to her; they prey on her. They ride her up and down and then make her their boots.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  Make her their boots? Why, will she keep their feet dry from muddy water?

  GADSHILL

  She can, she can. She’s been greased with so many bribes that she’s waterproof. We thieve in complete safety; we’ve got a potion that makes us invisible.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  Oh, I don’t think so. It’s the dark of night that makes you hard to see, not a secret potion.

  GADSHILL

  Let’s shake hands. You’ll get a share of our spoils; I swear on my honor as a true man.

  CHAMBERLAIN

  I’d rather have you swear by your reputation as a dishonest thief.

  GADSHILL

  Whatever. I’m a true man, even if I’m a dishonest thief. Tell the stable-boy to get my horse. Farewell, you fool.

  They exit.

  ACT 2, SCENE 2

  Original Text

  Enter PRINCE HENRY, POINS, BARDOLPH, and PETO

  POINS

  Come, shelter, shelter! I have removed Falstaff’s horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Stand close.

  Exit POINS, BARDOLPH, and PETO exit

  Enter FALSTAFF

  FALSTAFF

  Poins! Poins, and be hanged! Poins!

  PRINCE HENRY

  5

  Peace, you fat-kidneyed rascal. What a brawling dost thou keep!

  FALSTAFF

  Where’s Poins, Hal?

  PRINCE HENRY

  He is walked up to the top of the hill. I’ll go seek him.

  Exit PRINCE HENRY

  FALSTAFF

  I am accursed to rob in that thief’s company. The rascal

  10

  hath removed my horse and tied him I know not where. If I travel but four foot by the square further afoot, I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death for all this, if I ’scape hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn his company hourly any time this two-and-twenty

  15

  years, and yet I am bewitched with the rogue’s company. If the rascal hath not given me medicines to make me love him, I’ll be hanged. It could not be else: I have drunk medicines.—Poins! Hal! A plague upon you both.—Bardolph! Peto!—I’ll starve ere I’ll rob a foot further. An