170

  All? I know not what you call all, but if I fought not with fifty of them I am a bunch of radish. If there were not two-or three-and-fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Pray God you have not murdered some of them.

  FALSTAFF

  175

  Nay, that’s past praying for. I have peppered two of them. Two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward. Here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me.

  PRINCE HENRY

  180

  What, four? Thou saidst but two even now.

  FALSTAFF

  Four, Hal, I told thee four.

  POINS

  Ay, ay, he said four.

  FALSTAFF

  These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more ado, but took all their seven points in my

  185

  target, thus.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Seven? Why there were but four even now.

  FALSTAFF

  In buckram?

  POINS

  Ay, four in buckram suits.

  FALSTAFF

  Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

  PRINCE HENRY

  190

  (aside to POINS) Prithee, let him alone. We shall have more anon.

  FALSTAFF

  Dost thou hear me, Hal?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

  FALSTAFF

  Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram

  195

  that I told thee of—

  PRINCE HENRY

  So, two more already.

  FALSTAFF

  Their points being broken—

  POINS

  Down fell their hose.

  FALSTAFF

  Began to give me ground, but I followed me close, came in

  200

  foot and hand, and with a thought, seven of the eleven I paid.

  PRINCE HENRY

  O monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out of two!

  FALSTAFF

  But as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal green came at my back, and let drive at me, for it was

  205

  so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.

  PRINCE HENRY

  These lies are like their father that begets them, gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou claybrained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson, obscene, greasy tallow-catch—

  FALSTAFF

  210

  What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not the truth the truth?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? Come, tell us your reason. What sayest thou to this?

  POINS

  215

  Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

  FALSTAFF

  What, upon compulsion? Zounds, an I were at the strappado or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion? If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no

  220

  man a reason upon compulsion, I.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker, this huge hill of flesh—

  FALSTAFF

  ’Sblood, you starveling, you elfskin, you dried neat’s

  225

  tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stockfish! O, for breath to utter what is like thee! You tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bowcase, you vile standing tuck—

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again, and when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but

  230

  this.

  POINS

  Mark, Jack.

  PRINCE HENRY

  We two saw you four set on four, and bound them and were masters of their wealth. Mark now how a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you four and, with a

  235

  word, outfaced you from your prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in the house. And, Falstaff, you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still run and roared, as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou to hack thy sword as thou

  240

  hast done, and then say it was in fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?

  POINS

  Come, let’s hear, Jack. What trick hast thou now?

  FALSTAFF

  By the Lord, I knew you as well as he that made you. Why,

  245

  hear you, my masters, was it for me to kill the heir apparent? Should I turn upon the true Prince? Why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules, but beware instinct. The lion will not touch the true Prince. Instinct is a great matter. I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself,

  250

  and thee, during my life—I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true Prince. But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money.—Hostess, clap to the doors.—Watch tonight, pray to-morrow. Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship come to you. What, shall we be merry?

  255

  Shall we have a play extempore?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Content, and the argument shall be thy running away.

  FALSTAFF

  Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me.

  Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O Jesu, my lord the Prince!

  PRINCE HENRY

  How now, my lady the hostess, what sayest thou to me?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  260

  Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak with you. He says he comes from your father.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Give him as much as will make him a royal man and send him back again to my mother.

  FALSTAFF

  What manner of man is he?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  265

  An old man.

  FALSTAFF

  What doth Gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him his answer?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Prithee do, Jack.

  FALSTAFF

  Faith, and I’ll send him packing.

  Exit FALSTAFF

  PRINCE HENRY

  270

  Now, sirs. By ’r lady, you fought fair.—So did you, Peto.—So did you, Bardolph.—You are lions too. You ran away upon instinct. You will not touch the true Prince. No, fie!

  BARDOLPH

  Faith, I ran when I saw others run.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s sword so

  275

  hacked?

  PETO

  Why, he hacked it with his dagger and said he would swear truth out of England but he would make you believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.

  BARDOLPH

  Yea, and to tickle our noses with speargrass to make them

  280

  bleed, and then to beslubber our garments with it, and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year before: I blushed to hear his monstrous devices.

  PRINCE HENRY

  O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast

  285

  blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou ran’st away. What instinct hadst thou for it?

  BARDOLPH

  My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you behold these exhalations?

  PRINCE HENRY

  I do.

  BARDOLPH

  290

  What think you they portend?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Hot livers and cold purses.

  BARDOLPH

  Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.

  PRINCE HENRY

  No, if rightly taken, halter.

  Enter FALSTAFF

  Here comes lean Jack. Here comes bare-bone.—How now,

  295

  my sweet creature of bombast? How long is ’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?

  FALSTAFF

  My own knee? When I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle’s talon in the waist. I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring. A plague of sighing and grief! It

  300

  blows a man up like a bladder. There’s villanous news abroad. Here was Sir John Bracy from your father. You must to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the north, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the bastinado, and made Lucifer cuckold, and swore the devil

  305

  his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook—what a plague call you him?

  POINS

  Owen Glendower.

  FALSTAFF

  Owen, Owen, the same, and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots,

  310

  Douglas, that runs a-horseback up a hill perpendicular—

  PRINCE HENRY

  He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol kills a sparrow flying.

  FALSTAFF

  You have hit it.

  PRINCE HENRY

  So did he never the sparrow.

  FALSTAFF

  315

  Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him. He will not run.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Why, what a rascal art thou then to praise him so for running?

  FALSTAFF

  A-horseback, you cuckoo, but afoot he will not budge a foot.

  PRINCE HENRY

  320

  Yes, Jack, upon instinct.

  FALSTAFF

  I grant you, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more: Worcester is stolen away tonight. Thy father’s beard is turned white with the news. You may buy land now as cheap as stinking

  325

  mackerel.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Why, then, it is like if there come a hot June, and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hobnails, by the hundreds.

  FALSTAFF

  By the Mass, thou sayest true. It is like we shall have good

  330

  trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not thou horrible afeard? Thou being heir apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou not horribly afraid? Doth not thy blood thrill at it?

  PRINCE HENRY

  335

  Not a whit, i’ faith; I lack some of thy instinct.

  FALSTAFF

  Well, thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest to thy father. If thou love me, practice an answer.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Do thou stand for my father and examine me upon the particulars of my life.

  FALSTAFF

  340

  Shall I? Conten. This chair shall be my state, this dagger my scepter, and this cushion my crown.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Thy state is taken for a joined stool, thy golden scepter for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown.

  FALSTAFF

  345

  Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be moved.—Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept, for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambyses’ vein.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, here is my leg.

  FALSTAFF

  350

  And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’ faith!

  FALSTAFF

  Weep not, sweet queen, for trickling tears are vain.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O the father, how he holds his countenance!

  FALSTAFF

  For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful queen,

  355

  For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see.

  FALSTAFF

  Peace, good pint-pot. Peace, good tickle-brain.— (to PRINCE HENRY) Harry, I do not only marvel where thou

  360

  spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied. For though the camomile, the more it is trodden on, the faster it grows, so youth, the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears. That thou art my son I have partly thy mother’s word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly a villanous trick of thine

  365

  eye and a foolish-hanging of thy nether lip that doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me, here lies the point: why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries? A question not to be asked. Shall the sun of England prove

  370

  a thief and take purses? A question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou keepest. For, Harry, now I do not speak to

  375

  thee, in drink but in tears; not in pleasure, but in passion; not in words only, but in woes also. And yet there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What manner of man, an it like your Majesty?

  FALSTAFF

  380

  A goodly portly man, i’ faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage, and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by ’r Lady, inclining to three score; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff. If that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me, for, Harry, I

  385

  see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak it: there is virtue in that Falstaff; him keep with, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?

  PRINCE HENRY

  390

  Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my father.

  FALSTAFF

  Depose me? If thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter’s hare.

  PRINCE HENRY

  395

  Well, here I am set.

  FALSTAFF

  And here I stand. — (to the others) Judge, my masters.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Now, Harry, whence come you?

  FALSTAFF

  My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

  PRINCE HENRY

  The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

  FALSTAFF

  400

  ’Sblood, my lord, they are false.— (to the others) Nay, I’ll tickle you for a young prince, i’ faith.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Swearest thou? Ungracious boy, henceforth ne’er look on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace. There is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat man. A tun of

  405

  man is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humors, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloakbag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that reverend Vice, that gray

  410

  iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly but to carve a capon and eat it? Wherein cunning but in craft? Wherein crafty but in villany? Wherein villanous but in all things? Wherein worthy but in nothing?

  FALSTAFF

  415

  I would your Grace would take me with you. Whom means your Grace?

  PRINCE HENRY

  That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.

  FALSTAFF

  My lord, the man I know.

  PRINCE HENRY

  420

  I know thou dost.

  FALSTAFF

  But to say I know more harm in him than in myself were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more the pity; his white hairs do witness it. But that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and

  425

  sugar be a fault, God help the wicked. If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned. If to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff,

  430

  true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant being, as he is old Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy Harry’s company. Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I do, I will.

  Knocking within. Exeunt BARDOLPH, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and FRANCIS. Enter BARDOLPH, running

  BARDOLPH

  435

  O, my lord, my lord, the Sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the door.

  FALSTAFF

  Out, you rogue.—Play out the play. I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.

  Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O Jesu, my lord, my lord—

  PRINCE HENRY

  440

  Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddlestick. What’s the matter?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  The Sheriff and all the watch are at the door. They are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?

  FALSTAFF

  Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece of gold a

  445

  counterfeit. Thou art essentially made, without seeming so.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And thou a natural coward without instinct.

  FALSTAFF

  I deny your major. If you will deny the Sheriff, so; if not, let him enter. If I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up. I hope I shall as soon be