MISTRESS QUICKLY

  She’s sick of a qualm, she is.

  FALSTAFF

  That’s how all the women in her profession are. As soon as they’re calm—and not in someone’s bed—they get sick.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  You stupid bastard. Is this how you make me feel better?

  FALSTAFF

  You make fat bastards, Mistress Doll.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I make them fat? Gluttony and disease will make men fat; I have nothing to do with it.

  FALSTAFF

  Well, cooks help create gluttony, by making and selling food—the object of gluttony. And you help create diseases, Doll. We catch them from you, Doll, we catch them from you: admit it.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Sure, sweetheart. You catch us by the chains and the jewels, and then you steal them from us.

  FALSTAFF

  “Your brooches, pearls, and gems”—We fight bravely and then come away limping. We retreat from the breach in the wall with our weapons bravely bent. We head off to the doctor, bravely. And then we charge into the loaded chambers again, bravely.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Drop dead, you filthy eel. Drop dead!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I swear, this is how it always is. You two even see each other without fighting. You’re as hot as dry toast, you can’t stand each other’s bad qualities. Good grief! But one of you has to bear the burden, and that’s you, Doll. You’re the weaker sex, the empty vessel.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Can a weak, empty vessel bear the burden of such a huge, full barrel? There’s a whole merchant’s stock of Bordeaux wine in him; you’ve never seen a ship with a fuller cargo hold. Come, Jack, I’ll be friends with you. You’re going off to war, and whether or not I ever see you again—well, who cares.

  The FIRST DRAWER enters.

  FIRST DRAWER

  Sir, Ensign Pistol’s downstairs. He wants to talk with you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Let him drop dead, that hot-tempered jerk! Don’t let him in: he’s got the foulest mouth in England.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  If he’s going to make trouble, don’t let him in. No way; I have my neighbors to think about. I’ll have no troublemakers here. I’ve got my good reputation to watch out for. Shut the doors; no troublemakers are getting in here. I haven’t lived this long to have trouble now. Shut the doors, please.

  FALSTAFF

  Do you hear, hostess?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Please, be quiet a second, Sir John. No troublemakers are coming in here.

  FALSTAFF

  Didn’t you hear? It’s my ensign.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh fiddlesticks, Sir John, I don’t want to hear it. Your Ensign Troublemaker is not coming in here. I talked to Master Tisick, the deputy, the other day. And he said to me—it couldn’t have been longer ago than last Wednesday—“I swear, neighbor Quickly,” he said. (Master Dumbe, the minister, was here at the time.) “Neighbor Quickly,” he said, “only let in people who are well behaved, because,” he said, “your reputation is suffering.” He said that, and I’ll tell you why. “You’re an honest woman, and people think highly of you. So think about who you let in. Don’t let in,” he said, “any troublemakers.” And none are getting in. You’d be lucky if you heard what he said. No way, no troublemakers.

  FALSTAFF

  He’s not a troublemaker, hostess. He’s a harmless cheater; you can pet him like a little puppy. He wouldn’t even start a fight with a guinea-hen, if her feathers stood up in annoyance. Get him up here, drawer.

  FIRST DRAWER exits.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  You call him a cheater? I won’t keep an honest man out of this bar, so I won’t keep a cheater out, either. But I don’t like troublemakers, I swear. I get sick when I hear the word, “troublemaker.” Feel, masters: I’m shaking. Look, I’m telling you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  You are shaking.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I am?—I am! I swear, I’m shaking like a big tree leaf. I can’t stand troublemakers.

  PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and the PAGE enter.

  PISTOL

  Good to see you, Sir John!

  FALSTAFF

  Welcome, Ensign Pistol. Here, Pistol. I charge you with a glass of wine. Now discharge on the hostess.

  PISTOL

  I’ll unload two big bullets on her, Sir John.

  FALSTAFF

  She’s Pistol-proof, sir. You’ll hardly be able to injure her.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I won’t have any proofs or any bullets. I won’t drink any more than I feel like, not for any man.

  PISTOL

  Then here’s to you, Mistress. Dorothy, I’ll charge you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Charge me? Get lost, you sick jerk. What? You broke, rude, scheming, cheating, shirtless fool! Get away from me, you moldy bastard, away! I’m meant for your betters.

  PISTOL

  I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Get away, you pickpocket rascal! You dirty thief, away! I swear on this wine, I’ll stick a knife in your rotten cheeks if you keep abusing me like this. Out, you boozy rascal! You imposter of a solider! Since when are you a soldier, I ask you? With two armor tags on your shoulder? I’m sure!

  PISTOL

  I’ll strangle your neck for that, or I’ll die trying.

  FALSTAFF

  Hold it, Pistol. I don’t want you to go off here. Discharge someplace else, Pistol.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  No, good Captain Pistol. Not here, sweet captain.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Captain? You horrible, damned liar, aren’t you ashamed to be called “captain”? If captains shared my opinions, they’d beat you for taking their rank without earning it. You, a captain? You bastard, for what? For tearing a poor whore’s clothes in a whorehouse? Him, a captain? Let him drop dead, the rogue! He lives off the moldy food you find in brothels. A captain? For God’s sake! Men like him will make the word “captain” as nasty as the word “occupy,” which was a fine word before it got corrupted. Captains had better watch out.

  BARDOLPH

  Please, calm down, good ensign.

  FALSTAFF

  Listen here, Mistress Doll.

  PISTOL

  Not me. I’ll tell you what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her. I’ll get revenge on her.

  PAGE

  Please, calm down!

  PISTOL

  I’ll see her damned first. To the waters of hell, I swear, to the endless deep, with chaos and vile tortures. Hold onto that pole, I say. Down, down, dogs! Down, fates! Here’s my sword!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Captain Pisser, be quiet! It’s late. I beg of you, stop being angry!

  PISTOL

  Now we’re talking! Are we going to let old nags and pampered horses (who can’t manage more than a few miles a day) be compared with kings, and generals, and mythic heroes? No! Damn them to hell, and let the storms rage! Should we fight over nothing?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  My goodness, captain! Those are strong words!

  BARDOLPH

  You should go now, ensign. This is going to get out of control in a minute.

  PISTOL

  Let men die like dogs! Give away kings’ crowns like they’re nothing! Isn’t this a sword we have here?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  My word of honor, captain, there’s no such thing here! For goodness sake! Do you think I’d say she’s not if she were? For God’s sake, be quiet!

  PISTOL

  Then eat and grow fat, my sweet lady! Come, bring me some wine. Si fortuna me tormente, sperato me contento. Are we scared of an attack? No! Let the devil open fire. Give me some wine, and darling, lie there. (he lays his sword down) Is the party over? What about the rest of it, the et ceteras?

  FALSTAFF

  Pistol, I’d be quiet if I were you.

  PISTOL

  Sweet knight, I kiss your fist. Look! It’s so late—we can see the Big Dipper out.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  For God’s sake, throw him down the stairs. I can’t stand such a worthless jerk.

  PISTOL

  Throw him down the stairs? Don’t we know a common prostitute when we see one?

  FALSTAFF

  Toss him down, Bardolph, like a coin on a game board. He does nothing but talk a bunch of nothing, so he’s going to count for nothing here.

  BARDOLPH

  Come on. Get downstairs.

  PISTOL

  What? Is there going to be cutting now? Shall we be soaked in blood? (he grabs his sword) Then let death sing me a lullaby; let him end my melancholy days! Let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds unravel the thread of my life, spun by those three sisters of fate! Come, Atropos, cut off my thread!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  This ought to be good.

  FALSTAFF

  Give me my sword, boy.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Please, Jack, please; don’t fight!

  FALSTAFF

  Get downstairs! (he draws his sword and chases PISTOL)

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  This is going to be some fight! I would sooner close this bar than put up with terrors and fits. It’s murder, I swear! Oh my! Oh my! Put away your naked weapons! Put away your naked weapons!

  PISTOL exits, pursued by BARDOLPH.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Please, Jack, calm down; the jerk’s gone. Oh you son-of-a-bitch, brave little bastard, you!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Did he hurt you in the groin? I thought he got in a good shot at your belly.

  BARDOLPH enters.

  FALSTAFF

  Did you kick him out of here?

  BARDOLPH

  Yup! The jerk’s drunk. You hurt his shoulder.

  FALSTAFF

  That jerk! How dare he challenge me!

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Oh, you sweet little rogue, you! Oh my, you poor monkey, you’re sweating! Come, let me wipe your face. Come on, you fat bastard. Oh, you rogue! I swear, I love you. You’re as brave as Hector of Troy, you’re worth five Agamemnons, and you’re ten times better than the nine wonders of the world! Oh, you villain!

  FALSTAFF

  The no-good jerk! I’ll wrap the rogue in a blanket, the way they punish cowards.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Do it, if you dare. If you do, I’ll toss you between a pair of sheets!

  The musicians enter.

  PAGE

  The music is here, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A no-good, bragging jerk! The fool ran from me like quicksilver.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Truly, and you chased him like a church—slowly. You rotten little fat roasting pig! When will you stop fighting all day and thrusting all night, and start to get your body ready for its final resting place?

  Unseen, PRINCE HENRY and POINS enter, disguised as drawers.

  FALSTAFF

  Quiet, Doll. Don’t talk like a death’s-head. Don’t make me think of my own end.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Sirrah, what’s the Prince like?

  FALSTAFF

  He’s a shallow youngster. He would have made a good pantry servant: he would have been great at trimming the crusts off bread.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  They say Poins is smart.

  FALSTAFF

  Him, smart? Hang him, he’s a baboon! He’s as thick as mustard, and no smarter than a sledgehammer.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Then why does the Prince love him?

  FALSTAFF

  Because their legs are the same size, and he likes to play the game of quoits and eat fatty foods; and he’ll play drinking games, like dropping burning candle ends into his drinks. He plays on the see-saw with the boys, and pulls crazy stunts, and curses nicely. And his boots fit nice and smooth, just like the ones painted on the shoe store’s signs. And he doesn’t cause trouble by spilling secrets. He has all kinds of qualities associated with weak minds and healthy bodies, and that’s why the Prince keeps him around: because the Prince is exactly the same. There’s not a hair’s difference between the two of them.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (to POINS) We should cut this fatso’s ears off.

  POINS

  Let’s beat him in front of his whore.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Look at that old geezer having his head scratched like a parrot.

  POINS

  Isn’t it odd that desire lasts so much longer than the ability to perform?

  FALSTAFF

  Kiss me, Doll.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Saturn and Venus must be aligned this year! What do you think the astrological tables have to say about that?

  POINS

  And look. That fiery-faced Bardolph is whispering sweet nothings to Quickly, his master’s old confidante.

  FALSTAFF

  (to DOLL) You flatter me with your kisses.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I swear, my kisses are heartfelt.

  FALSTAFF

  I’m old. I’m old.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I love you more than I could love any ridiculous young man in the world.

  FALSTAFF

  What fabric do you want a new skirt made out of? I’ll get paid on Thursday, so you’ll get a new hat tomorrow. Let’s have a happy song. It’s getting late; let’s go to bed. You’ll forget me when I’m gone.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I swear, you’ll make me cry if you talk like that. I won’t wear any beautiful clothing till you return. Well, we’ll see what happens.

  FALSTAFF

  Some wine, Francis.

  PRINCE HENRY AND POINS

  Right away, sir!

  PRINCE HENRY and POINS reveal themselves.

  FALSTAFF

  What! A bastard son of the King? And aren’t you Poins, his brother?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Your globe, covered with continents of sin! What kind of life are you leading?

  FALSTAFF

  A better life than you. I’m a gentleman and you’re just a drawer.

  PRINCE HENRY

  That’s right, sir. And I’m going to draw you out of this room by the ears.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh, may God bless you, sir. I swear, welcome to London. God bless that sweet face of yours! Oh Jesus! Have you come from Wales?

  FALSTAFF

  You son of a bitch, you insane block of royalty! (indicating DOLL) I swear on this piece of weak flesh and corrupt blood that you’re welcome here!

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  What? You fat fool! The hell with you!

  POINS

  My lord, if you don’t strike while the iron’s hot, he’ll turn everything into a joke and rob you of your chance for revenge.

  PRINCE HENRY

  You son of a whore, you giant piece of candle wax, you said such horrible things about me just now, in front of this honest, upstanding and well-behaved lady.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  May God bless your good heart! She is all that, I swear.

  FALSTAFF

  Did you hear me?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Yes. And you knew I was there, right? It’s just like when you ran away at Gad’s Hill: you knew I was the one who beat you, and you made up some story just to irritate me.

  FALSTAFF

  No, no, no. Not at all. I had no idea you were there.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Then I’m going to make you confess that you deliberately slandered me. And then I’ll know what to do next.

  FALSTAFF

  No slander, Hal. On my honor, no slander.

  PRINCE HENRY

  No? To malign me, and call me a pantry servant and a bread-trimmer, and I don’t know what else?

  FALSTAFF

  No slander, Hal.

  POINS

  No slander?

  FALSTAFF

  No slander, Ned, in the world, honest Ned, none. I maligned him only to the wicked, so that the wicked wouldn’t fall in love with him. And by doing that, I’ve acted like a good friend and loyal subject, and your father should thank me for it. No slander, Hal, none, Ned. No, truly boys, none.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Now your absolute fear and utter cowardliness has made you wrong this good lady in order to make peace with us. Is she wicked? Is this hostess here wicked? Is your boy here wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose piety burns in his face? Is he wicked?

  POINS

  Answer, you withered old trunk, answer.

  FALSTAFF

  The devil has marked Bardolph as long gone, and his face is Lucifer’s kitchen, where only drunks are served. As for the boy, he may have a good spirit on one shoulder, but the devil on the other is stronger.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And the women?

  FALSTAFF

  One of them is in hell already, where she gets poor souls hot. As for the other, I owe her money. If she’s damned for that, I have no idea.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I’m not, I promise you that.

  FALSTAFF

  No, I think you’re not. I think you’ve been excused for that. But there’s another charge against you. You serve flesh in this place, and that’s against the law. You’re going to hell for that.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Everybody who serves food does that. What’s wrong with a bite or two of meat during Lent?

  PRINCE HENRY

  You, good lady—

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  What is it, gracious sir?

  FALSTAFF

  He may speak to you graciously, but his body feels otherwise.

  Knocking is heard offstage.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Who’s knocking so loudly on the door? Francis, go see.

  PETO enters.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Peto, how are you? What’s going on?

  PETO

  Your father the King is in Westminster. Twenty exhausted messengers have arrived from the north. And, on my way here, I met a dozen captains, hustling and working hard, knocking on the door of every tavern and searching for Sir John Falstaff.

  PRINCE HENRY

  My God, Poins, I feel terrible wasting precious time on this idleness when a huge black storm is brewing, soon to open up on our bare, vulnerable heads. Give me my coat and my sword. Good night, Falstaff.