50

  (to the PAGE) Welcome, my little tiny thief, and welcome indeed too. I’ll drink to Master Bardolph, and to all the cabileros about London.

  DAVY

  I hope to see London once ere I die.

  BARDOLPH

  An I might see you there, Davy!

  SHALLOW

  55

  By the Mass, you’ll crack a quart together, ha, will you not, Master Bardolph?

  BARDOLPH

  Yea, sir, in a pottle-pot.

  SHALLOW

  By God’s liggens, I thank thee. The knave will stick by thee, I can assure thee that. He will not out, he. ’Tis true bred!

  BARDOLPH

  60

  And I’ll stick by him, sir.

  SHALLOW

  Why, there spoke a king. Lack nothing, be merry.

  One knocks at the door within

  Look who’s at door there, ho. Who knocks?

  Exit DAVY

  FALSTAFF

  (to SILENCE) Why, now you have done me right.

  SILENCE

  65

  (sings) Do me right,

  And dub me knight,

  Samingo.

  Is ’t not so?

  FALSTAFF

  ’Tis so.

  SILENCE

  70

  Is ’t so? Why then, say an old man can do somewhat.

  Enter DAVY

  DAVY

  An ’t please your Worship, there’s one Pistol come from the court with news.

  FALSTAFF

  From the court? Let him come in.

  Enter PISTOL

  How now, Pistol?

  PISTOL

  75

  Sir John, God save you.

  FALSTAFF

  What wind blew you hither, Pistol?

  PISTOL

  Not the ill wind which blows no man to good. Sweet knight, thou art now one of the greatest men in this realm.

  SILENCE

  By ’r Lady, I think he be, but Goodman Puff of Barson.

  PISTOL

  80

  Puff?

  Puff in thy teeth, most recreant coward base!—

  Sir John, I am thy Pistol and thy friend,

  And helter-skelter have I rode to thee,

  And tidings do I bring, and lucky joys,

  85

  And golden times, and happy news of price.

  FALSTAFF

  I pray thee now, deliver them like a man of this world.

  PISTOL

  A foutre for the world and worldlings base!

  I speak of Africa and golden joys.

  FALSTAFF

  O base Assyrian knight, what is thy news?

  90

  Let King Cophetua know the truth thereof.

  SILENCE

  (sings) And Robin Hood, Scarlet, and John.

  PISTOL

  Shall dunghill curs confront the Helicons,

  And shall good news be baffled?

  Then, Pistol, lay thy head in Furies’ lap.

  SILENCE

  95

  Honest gentleman, I know not your breeding.

  PISTOL

  Why then, lament therefor.

  SHALLOW

  Give me pardon, sir. If, sir, you come with news from the court, I take it there’s but two ways, either to utter them, or to conceal them. I am, sir, under the King in some

  100

  authority.

  PISTOL

  Under which king, besonian? Speak or die.

  SHALLOW

  Under King Harry.

  PISTOL

  Harry the Fourth, or Fifth?

  SHALLOW

  Harry the Fourth.

  PISTOL

  105

  A foutre for thine office!—

  Sir John, thy tender lambkin now is king.

  Harry the Fifth’s the man. I speak the truth.

  When Pistol lies, do this (he makes an obscene gesture) and fig me, like

  The bragging Spaniard.

  FALSTAFF

  110

  What, is the old king dead?

  PISTOL

  As nail in door. The things I speak are just.

  FALSTAFF

  Away, Bardolph.—Saddle my horse.—Master Robert

  Shallow, choose what office thou wilt in the land,

  ’tis thine. Pistol, I will double-charge thee with dignities.

  BARDOLPH

  115

  O joyful day! I would not take a knighthood for my fortune.

  PISTOL

  What, I do bring good news!

  FALSTAFF

  Carry Master Silence to bed.—Master Shallow, my Lord Shallow, be what thou wilt. I am Fortune’s steward. Get on thy boots. We’ll ride all night.—O sweet Pistol!—Away,

  120

  Bardolph!

  Exit BARDOLPH

  Come, Pistol, utter more to me, and withal devise something to do thyself good. Boot, boot, Master Shallow. I know the young King is sick for me. Let us take any man’s horses. The laws of England are at my commandment.

  125

  Blessed are they that have been my friends, and woe to my Lord Chief Justice!

  PISTOL

  Let vultures vile seize on his lungs also!

  “Where is the life that late I led?” say they.

  Why, here it is. Welcome these pleasant days.

  Exeunt

  ACT 5, SCENE 3

  Modern Text

  FALSTAFF, SHALLOW, SILENCE, DAVY, BARDOLPH, and the PAGE enter.

  SHALLOW

  No, you’re going to see my orchard. We’ll sit in an arbor and eat some of the pippin apples I cross-bred last season, along with some caraway seeds and so on. Come on, Silence. Then we’ll go to bed.

  FALSTAFF

  I swear, you have a good-looking place here, and it’s fancy.

  SHALLOW

  Cheap, cheap, cheap. We’re broke, broke, Sir John. But one thing we do have is good air. Set the table, Davy, set the table. Good job, Davy.

  FALSTAFF

  This Davy does a lot for you. He’s your right-hand man as well as your steward.

  SHALLOW

  A good servant, a very good servant, Sir John. By God, I had too much wine with dinner. A good servant. Now sit down, sit down. Come on, cousin.

  SILENCE

  Ah, Sirrah, he said. We will:

  Do nothing but eat and celebrate,

  (sings) And praise God for this happy year,

  When flesh is cheap but women are costly,

  And lusty men roam here and there,

  So merrily,

  And always so merrily.

  FALSTAFF

  That’s a merry heart! Master Silence, I’ll drink a toast to you in a minute.

  SHALLOW

  Davy, get Master Bardolph some wine.

  DAVY

  Sit, kind sir; I’ll be with you in a second. Very kind sir, please sit. Here’s to you! What we lack in food, we make up for in drink. You must endure it; good intentions are what count.

  DAVY exits.

  SHALLOW

  Enjoy yourself, Master Bardolph, and you, my little soldier, enjoy yourself.

  SILENCE

  (sings) Enjoy, enjoy! My wife has it all,

  Women are shrews, whether they’re short or they’re tall,

  It’s a merry party when men laugh and joke,

  So let’s enjoy ourselves this Shrovetide,

  Enjoy, enjoy!

  FALSTAFF

  I didn’t think Master Silence had this in him.

  SILENCE

  Who, me? I’ve let loose once or twice in my life.

  DAVY enters.

  DAVY

  (to BARDOLPH) Here’s a dish of red apples for you.

  SHALLOW

  Davy!

  DAVY

  Yes, sir! I’ll be with you in a second. (to BARDOLPH) A cup of wine, sir?

  SILENCE

  (sings) A cup of wine that’s fresh and fine,

  And drink to you, darling mine,

  And a happy heart lives long!

  FALSTAFF

  Well said, Master Silence.

  SILENCE

  And we will enjoy ourselves. Now’s the best time of night.

  FALSTAFF

  Here’s to your health and long life, Master Silence.

  SILENCE

  (sings) Fill the cup, and pass it here,

  I’ll drink it to the bottom, even if it’s a mile down.

  SHALLOW

  Welcome, honest Master Bardolph. If you want something and don’t ask for it, that’s your tough luck. (to the PAGE) Welcome, my little tiny thief, welcome indeed. I’ll drink to Master Bardolph, and to all the good sports around London.

  DAVY

  I hope to see London once before I die.

  BARDOLPH

  If I see you there, Davy—

  SHALLOW

  By God, you’ll break open a quart bottle together, ha! Won’t you, Master Bardolph?

  BARDOLPH

  Yessir, in a two-quart glass.

  SHALLOW

  By God’s fingers, I thank you. This rogue will stick with you, I promise you that. He won’t fail, he’s true blue.

  BARDOLPH

  And I’ll stick with him, sir.

  SHALLOW

  Spoken like a king. Take whatever you want: enjoy yourselves!

  Knocking is heard offstage.

  Hey, see who’s at the door there! Who’s knocking?

  DAVY exits.

  FALSTAFF

  (to SILENCE) You’re really keeping up with me!

  SILENCE

  (sings) Keep up with me,

  Then dub me a knight!

  Samingo!

  Right?

  FALSTAFF

  Right.

  SILENCE

  Right? Then you’ve got to admit that an old man can do some things.

  DAVY returns.

  DAVY

  Sir, if I may say so, there’s someone named Pistol here from the royal court. He’s got news.

  FALSTAFF

  From the royal court? Let him in.

  PISTOL enters.

  What’s up, Pistol!

  PISTOL

  God save you, Sir John.

  FALSTAFF

  What wind blew you here, Pistol?

  PISTOL

  Not the evil wind that blows no one toward any good. Sweet knight, you are now one of the hugest men in the country.

  SILENCE

  I swear, I think he is—except for the good fellow Puff, from Barson.

  PISTOL

  Puff? Puff in your face, you degenerate coward! Sir John, I’m your Pistol and your friend, and I rode at full tilt to find you here. I bring you reports, and good luck, and golden times, and happy, valuable news.

  FALSTAFF

  Then please, deliver this news like a human being who lives in this world.

  PISTOL

  Damn this world, and the vile little people who live in it! I’m talking about Africa, and its golden joys.

  FALSTAFF

  Oh, you vulgar Assyrian knight, what is your news? Convey to King Cophetua the story therein.

  SILENCE

  (sings) And Robin Hood, Scarlet, and John.

  PISTOL

  Will junkyard dogs attack the Muses, goddesses of poetry? Will my good news be thwarted this way? Then Pistol, go ahead and plead with the Furies, the goddesses of revenge.

  SILENCE

  Honest gentleman, I don’t know what kind of family you’re from.

  PISTOL

  That’s your loss.

  SHALLOW

  Forgive me saying so, sir, but if you’ve got news from the court, then you have only two choices: you can either tell it or not tell it. I have some authority from the King, you know.

  PISTOL

  From which king, you beggar? Speak, or die.

  SHALLOW

  For King Henry.

  PISTOL

  Henry the Fourth, or Fifth?

  SHALLOW

  Henry the Fourth.

  PISTOL

  Then screw your position! Sir John, your tender little lamb is now the king. Henry the Fifth’s the man, and I speak the truth. When Pistol tells a lie, do this (he makes an obscene gesture) and tell me to go screw myself, like some crazy Spaniard.

  FALSTAFF

  What? Is the old King dead?

  PISTOL

  As a doornail: these things I say are true.

  FALSTAFF

  Get going, Bardolph! Saddle up my horse. Master Robert Shallow, pick whatever job you want in the whole country: it’s yours. Pistol, I’ll pile honors on you.

  BARDOLPH

  Oh happy day! I wouldn’t even trade a knighthood for my new, good fortune.

  PISTOL

  There you go! I brought good news!

  FALSTAFF

  Carry Master Silence to bed. Master Shallow—Lord Shallow—call yourself whatever you want. I’m in charge of all the luck in the world! Get your boots on. We’ll ride through the night. Oh sweet Pistol! Get going, Bardolph!

  BARDOLPH exits.

  Pistol, tell me more, and help me think of something good we can do for you. Boots, boots, Master Shallow! I know the young King is dying to see me. Let’s just take anybody’s horses; I rule the laws of England now! Blessed are those who have been my friends, and watch out, Lord Chief Justice!

  PISTOL

  May vultures eat out his lungs, too! You know the old saying, “What happened to the life I used to lead?” Well, they’re here; welcome to these pleasant days.

  They exit.

  ACT 5, SCENE 4

  Original Text

  Enter BEADLES, dragging in MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  No, thou arrant knave. I would to God that I might die, that I might have thee hanged. Thou hast drawn my shoulder out of joint.

  FIRST BEADLE

  The Constables have delivered her over to me, and she shall

  5

  have whipping cheer enough, I warrant her. There hath been a man or two lately killed about her.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Nut-hook, nut-hook, you lie! Come on, I ’ll tell thee what, thou damned tripe-visaged rascal: an the child I now go with do miscarry, thou wert better thou hadst struck thy

  10

  mother, thou paper-faced villain.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O the Lord, that Sir John were come! I would make this a bloody day to somebody. But I pray God the fruit of her womb might miscarry.

  FIRST BEADLE

  If it do, you shall have a dozen of cushions again; you have

  15

  but eleven now. Come, I charge you both go with me, for the man is dead that you and Pistol beat amongst you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I’ll tell you what, you thin man in a censer, I will have you as soundly swinged for this, you bluebottle rogue, you filthy famished correctioner. If you be not swinged, I’ll

  20

  forswear half-kirtles.

  FIRST BEADLE

  Come, come, you she knight-errant, come.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O God, that right should thus overcome might! Well, of sufferance comes ease.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Come, you rogue, come, bring me to a justice.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  25

  Ay, come, you starved bloodhound.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Goodman Death, Goodman Bones!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Thou atomy, thou!

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Come, you thin thing, come, you rascal.

  FIRST BEADLE

  Very well.

  Exeunt

  ACT 5, SCENE 4

  Modern Text

  BEADLES enter, dragging DOLL TEARSHEET and MISTRESS QUICKLY.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  No, you horrible rogue! I wish to God I were dead, so I could have you hanged. You dislocated my shoulder!

  FIRST BEADLE

  The street cops handed her over to me, and she’ll be whipped through and through, I promise. She’s been involved in a couple of murders.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Pig, Pig! You lie! Come on! I’ll tell you what, you damned flabby-faced moron: if I have a miscarriage now, you’ll wish you’d hit your own mother, you pasty-faced villain!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh God, I wish Sir John would come! He’d make somebody bleed for this. I pray to God that she has a miscarriage!

  FIRST BEADLE

  Well, if she does, you’ll have twelve cushions on your couch again. You have only eleven now, since she’s wearing one of them under her dress. I order both of you to come with me: the man that you two and Pistol beat up is dead.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I’ll tell you what, you stick-figure; I’ll have you beaten soundly for this. You blue-coated rogue, you filthy, starving correctioner! If you aren’t walloped for this, I’ll swear off skirts.

  FIRST BEADLE

  Come on, come on, you little night sinner, come on.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Oh God! I can’t believe that right is overcoming might! Well, challenges build character.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Come on, you bastard, come on. Bring me to a judge.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Yeah, come on, you starved dog.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Master Death! Master Bones!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  You skeleton, you!

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Come on, you thin thing; come on, you lean deer!

  FIRST BEADLE

  Very well.

  They exit.

  ACT 5, SCENE 5

  Original Text

  Enter two GROOMS, strewing rushes

  FIRST GROOM

  More rushes, more rushes.

  SECOND GROOM

  The trumpets have sounded twice.

  FIRST GROOM

  ’Twill be two o’clock ere they come from the coronation. Dispatch, dispatch.

  Exeunt

  Enter FALSTAFF, SHALLOW, PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE

  FALSTAFF

  5

  Stand here by me, Master Robert Shallow. I will make the King do you grace. I will leer upon him as he comes by, and do but mark the countenance that he will give me.

  PISTOL

  God bless thy lungs, good knight!

  FALSTAFF

  Come here, Pistol, stand behind me.— (to SHALLOW) O, if

  10

  I had had time to have made new liveries, I would have bestowed the thousand pound I borrowed of you. But ’tis no matter. This poor show doth better. This doth infer the zeal I had to see him.

  SHALLOW