CHIEF JUSTICE

  Well, stay honest, stay honest. God bless your undertaking.

  FALSTAFF

  Could your lordship lend me a thousand pounds for some equipment I need?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Not a penny, not a penny: you’re too impatient to endure adversity. Farewell; give my regards to my kinsman Westmoreland.

  The CHIEF JUSTICE and his SERVANT exit.

  FALSTAFF

  If I do, hit me with a sledgehammer. Old age and greed go together like youth and lust. Gout afflicts one and syphilis plagues the other, so there’s no point in me cursing either the old or the young: they’re both cursed already. Boy!

  PAGE

  Sir?

  FALSTAFF

  How much money’s in my wallet?

  PAGE

  About seven groats and two pence.

  FALSTAFF

  There no way to cure the illness that’s making my wallet waste away; borrowing makes it live a little longer, but the disease is incurable. Bring this letter to Lord John of Lancaster, this one to the Prince, this one to Westmoreland, and this one to Madame Ursula. I’ve promised to marry her every single week since I got my first gray hair. Get going: you know where I’ll be.

  The PAGE exits.

  Damn this gout! Or damn this syphilis! One of them is really messing up my big toe. Oh well, it doesn’t matter if I limp. I can blame it on the war, and that will help justify my disability payments. A sharp brain can turn any problem to its advantage. I’ll turn my diseases into cash.

  He exits.

  ACT 1, SCENE 3

  Original Text

  Enter the ARCHBISHOP of York, Thomas MOWBRAY the Earl Marshal, Lord HASTINGS, and LORD BARDOLPH

  ARCHBISHOP

  Thus have you heard our cause and known our means,

  And, my most noble friends, I pray you all

  Speak plainly your opinions of our hopes.

  And first, Lord Marshal, what say you to it?

  MOWBRAY

  5

  I well allow the occasion of our arms,

  But gladly would be better satisfied

  How in our means we should advance ourselves

  To look with forehead bold and big enough

  Upon the power and puissance of the King.

  HASTINGS

  10

  Our present musters grow upon the file

  To five-and-twenty thousand men of choice,

  And our supplies live largely in the hope

  Of great Northumberland, whose bosom burns

  With an incensèd fire of injuries.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  15

  The question then, Lord Hastings, standeth thus:

  Whether our present five-and-twenty thousand

  May hold up head without Northumberland.

  HASTINGS

  With him we may.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  Yea, marry, there’s the point.

  But if without him we be thought too feeble,

  20

  My judgment is we should not step too far

  Till we had his assistance by the hand.

  For in a theme so bloody-faced as this,

  Conjecture, expectation, and surmise

  Of aids incertain should not be admitted.

  ARCHBISHOP

  25

  ’Tis very true, Lord Bardolph; for indeed

  It was young Hotspur’s cause at Shrewsbury.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  It was, my lord; who lined himself with hope,

  Eating the air on promise of supply,

  Flatt’ring himself in project of a power

  30

  Much smaller than the smallest of his thoughts,

  And so, with great imagination

  Proper to madmen, led his powers to death

  And, winking, leapt into destruction.

  HASTINGS

  But, by your leave, it never yet did hurt

  35

  To lay down likelihoods and forms of hope.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  Yes, if this present quality of war—

  Indeed the instant action, a cause on foot—

  Lives so in hope, as in an early spring

  We see the appearing buds, which to prove fruit

  40

  Hope gives not so much warrant as despair

  That frosts will bite them. When we mean to build,

  We first survey the plot, then draw the model,

  And when we see the figure of the house,

  Then must we rate the cost of the erection,

  45

  Which if we find outweighs ability,

  What do we then but draw anew the model

  In fewer offices, or at last desist

  To build at all? Much more in this great work,

  Which is almost to pluck a kingdom down

  50

  And set another up, should we survey

  The plot of situation and the model,

  Consent upon a sure foundation,

  Question surveyors, know our own estate,

  How able such a work to undergo,

  55

  To weigh against his opposite. Or else

  We fortify in paper and in figures,

  Using the names of men instead of men,

  Like one that draws the model of a house

  Beyond his power to build it, who, half through,

  60

  Gives o’er and leaves his part-created cost

  A naked subject to the weeping clouds

  And waste for churlish winter’s tyranny.

  HASTINGS

  Grant that our hopes, yet likely of fair birth,

  Should be stillborn and that we now possessed

  65

  The utmost man of expectation,

  I think we are a body strong enough,

  Even as we are, to equal with the King.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  What, is the King but five-and twenty-thousand?

  HASTINGS

  To us no more, nay, not so much, Lord Bardolph,

  70

  For his divisions, as the times do brawl,

  Are in three heads: one power against the French,

  And one against Glendower; perforce a third

  Must take up us. So is the unfirm King

  In three divided, and his coffers sound

  75

  With hollow poverty and emptiness.

  ARCHBISHOP

  That he should draw his several strengths together

  And come against us in full puissance

  Need not be dreaded.

  HASTINGS

  If he should do so,

  He leaves his back unarmed, the French and Welsh

  80

  Baying him at the heels. Never fear that.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  Who is it like should lead his forces hither?

  HASTINGS

  The Duke of Lancaster and Westmoreland;

  Against the Welsh, himself and Harry Monmouth;

  But who is substituted against the French

  85

  I have no certain notice.

  ARCHBISHOP

  Let us on,

  And publish the occasion of our arms.

  The commonwealth is sick of their own choice.

  Their over-greedy love hath surfeited.

  An habitation giddy and unsure

  90

  Hath he that buildeth on the vulgar heart.

  O thou fond many, with what loud applause

  Didst thou beat heaven with blessing Bolingbroke

  Before he was what thou wouldst have him be.

  And being now trimmed in thine own desires,

  95

  Thou, beastly feeder, art so full of him

  That thou provok’st thyself to cast him up.

  So, so, thou common dog, didst thou disgorge

  Thy glutton bosom of the royal Richard,

  And now thou wouldst eat thy dead vomit up

  100

  And howl’st to find it. What trust is in these times?

  They that, when Richard lived, would have him die

  Are now become enamored on his grave.

  Thou, that threw’st dust upon his goodly head

  When through proud London he came sighing on

  105

  After th’ admired heels of Bolingbroke,

  Criest now “O earth, yield us that King again,

  And take thou this!” O thoughts of men accursed!

  Past and to come seems best; things present, worst.

  MOWBRAY

  Shall we go draw our numbers and set on?

  HASTINGS

  110

  We are time’s subjects, and time bids begone.

  Exeunt

  ACT 1, SCENE 3

  Modern Text

  The ARCHBISHOP of York, Thomas MOWBRAY the Earl Marshal, Lord HASTINGS and LORD BARDOLPH enter.

  ARCHBISHOP

  So that’s what we’re fighting for, and that’s the kind of support we have. Now please, my noble friends, tell me frankly if you think we have a chance. First you, Marshal Mowbray. What do you say?

  MOWBRAY

  I absolutely agree with our reasons for fighting. But given our resources, I’d feel better if I knew how we’re going to grow bold and strong enough to defeat this mighty and powerful King.

  HASTINGS

  Our army has grown to twenty-five thousand good men. Our reinforcements are coming with Northumberland, and his heart burns with anger over all he’s lost.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  Then, Lord Hastings, this is the question: can our twenty-five thousand get the job done without Northumberland?

  HASTINGS

  With him, we can.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  Yes, exactly, and that’s the point. If we’re too weak without him, then I don’t think we should advance until we know that his help is guaranteed. In a fight as bloody as this one, we need to be certain about the status of our supporters: we can’t rely on conjecture, hope, and guesswork when aid isn’t guaranteed.

  ARCHBISHOP

  That’s right, Lord Bardolph. That’s what happened to young Hotspur at Shrewsbury.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  That’s true, my lord. Hotspur fortified himself with nothing but hope, and mistook empty words as a true promise of reinforcements. He imagined that a huge army was coming to his aid, but what actually arrived turned out to be even smaller than the smallest of his fantasies. And so, with daydreams that could only belong to a madman, he closed his eyes and leaped into destruction.

  HASTINGS

  But, begging your pardon, there’s no harm in making guesses and hopeful strategies.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  Yes, there is. Presently, our armies are already in motion, but putting our hope in them is as ridiculous as expecting that early spring buds will produce fruit: at that time of year, buds are more likely to be killed by frost than to bloom. When we want to put up a building, first we survey the land, and then we draw up a set of plans. Then we calculate the cost, and if we can’t afford it, we revise the plans with fewer rooms, or we decide not to build at all. In the great task we’re attempting—the taking down of one kingdom, and the building of another—we have even more reason to evaluate the land and the plans. We must be certain that the foundation is sound, that the engineer is skilled. We must know precisely what we can afford, how ready and able we are, and we must consider the opposing arguments.

  Otherwise, it becomes a meaningless exercise: papers and numbers, and names of men rather than real, live men. That’s like drawing up plans for a house you can’t possibly afford, building half of it, and then abandoning the partly-built structure to be ruined by the elements.

  HASTINGS

  Let’s suppose that everything we’re hoping for fails to materialize, and the army we have now is as big as it’s going to get. I still think that, even in this condition, we’re a match for the King.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  Why? Does the King only have twenty-five thousand men?

  HASTINGS

  The King isn’t facing us with any more than that—in fact, he doesn’t even have that many, Lord Bardolph. This is a time of war, and the King’s had to divide his army into three sections. One division is fighting the French; one’s fighting Glendower. That leaves a third of his army to fight against us. The King is weak and divided into three, and the coffers of his treasury echo with the sounds of hollow poverty and emptiness.

  ARCHBISHOP

  There’s no reason to fear that he will pull all three divisions together and confront us with his full strength.

  HASTINGS

  If he did that, he’d be vulnerable at the rear, and the French and the Welsh would be at his heels. He would never let that happen.

  LORD BARDOLPH

  Who’s going to lead his troops against us?

  HASTINGS

  The Duke of Lancaster and Westmoreland. The King and Harry Monmouth will fight against the Welsh. I don’t know for sure who is in charge of the fight against the French.

  ARCHBISHOP

  Let’s continue. We’ll publicly proclaim the reasons we’re fighting. The people are sick of the leadership they themselves supported. They were greedy for it, but now they have overfed. When you build your foundation on the public’s love, you build on shaky and unsure ground. Oh, you foolish masses! You shouted your love for Bolingbroke to the skies, before you knew what he’d turn into. Now that you’re dressed in the things you desired, you monstrous devourer, you’re so full of Bolingbroke that you’re ready to vomit him up. This, you vulgar dog, is just how you emptied your gluttonous stomach of King Richard; and now you want to eat up your dead vomit, and you howl trying to find it. What can you count on in this world? The very people who wanted Richard dead when he was alive are now in love with his corpse. The very people who threw garbage on his noble head when he marched through London in shame behind the admired Bolingbroke are now saying, “Oh Earth, return that King, and take this one!” Curses on men’s thoughts! Only the past and the future appeal to them; whatever they have right now they despise.

  MOWBRAY

  Should we gather our troops and press forward?

  HASTINGS

  Time is our commander, and time proposes we be on our way.

  They exit.

  Lord Bardolph, the rebel, and Bardolph, Falstaffs associate, are two unrelated characters.

  porter = doorman, gatekeeper

  Many critics believe that the “Sir John Umfrevile” in Shakespeare’s text is a textual error, an accidental leftover from an early draft, and that Travers is actually referring to Bardolph.

  page = young servant

  Sirrah = term of address for a person of lower social rank

  Falstaff is mocking the page for being so small.

  Falstaff puns on the fact that a “royal” was a kind of coin, stamped with the king’s face.

  Unemployed men waited at St. Paul’s Cathedral to be hired for short-term jobs. The nearby Smithfield was a livestock market; horses bought there were considered cheap nags.

  In the Bible, Job patiently withstood a series of hardships set on him by God.

  The robbery at Gad’s Hill occurs in Henry IV, Part One.

  smell a fox = be suspicious

  angel = a kind of coin; angels were often trimmed of some of their metal; a defective angel could be distinguished from a proper by weighing it on a scale.

  mark = unit of currency

  groat = coin worth four pence

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 1

  Original Text

  Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, with two officers; FANG with her and SNARE following

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Master Fang, have you entered the action?

  FANG

  It is entered.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Where’s your yeoman? Is ’t a lusty yeoman? Will a’ stand to ’t?

  FANG

  5

  Sirrah! Where’s Snare?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O Lord, ay, good Master Snare.

  SNARE

  Here, here.

  FANG

  Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Yea, good Master Snare, I have entered him and all.

  SNARE

  10

  It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Alas the day, take heed of him. He stabbed me in mine own house, and that most beastly, in good faith. He cares not what mischief he does. If his weapon be out, he will foin like any devil. He will spare neither man, woman, nor child.

  FANG

  15

  If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  No, nor I neither. I’ll be at your elbow.

  FANG

  An I but fist him once, an he come but within my view—

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I am undone by his going. I warrant you, he’s an infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him sure.

  20

  Good Master Snare, let him not ’scape. He comes continuantly to Pie Corner, saving your manhoods, to buy a saddle, and he is indited to dinner to the Lubber’s Head in Lumbert Street, to Master Smooth’s the silkman. I pray you, since my exion is entered, and my case so openly

  25

  known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to bear, and I have borne, and borne, and borne, and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no

  30

  honesty in such dealing, unless a woman should be made an ass and a beast to bear every knave’s wrong. Yonder he comes, and that errant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me your offices.