20

  ’twere not as good a deed as drink to turn true man and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground is threescore and ten miles afoot with me, and the stony-hearted villains know it well enough. A plague upon it when thieves cannot

  25

  be true one to another!

  They whistle.

  Whew!

  Enter PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH

  A plague upon you all! Give me my horse, you rogues. Give me my horse and be hanged!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Peace, you fat guts! Lie down, lay thine ear close to the

  30

  ground, and list if thou canst hear the tread of travelers.

  FALSTAFF

  Have you any levers to lift me up again being down? ’Sblood, I’ll not bear mine own flesh so far afoot again for all the coin in thy father’s Exchequer. What a plague mean you to colt me thus?

  PRINCE HENRY

  35

  Thou liest. Thou art not colted; thou art uncolted.

  FALSTAFF

  I prithee, good Prince Hal, help me to my horse, good king’s son.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Out, you rogue! Shall I be your ostler?

  FALSTAFF

  Hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent garters! If I be

  40

  ta’en, I’ll peach for this. An I have not ballads made on you all and sung to filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison—when a jest is so forward, and afoot too! I hate it.

  Enter GADSHILL

  GADSHILL

  Stand.

  FALSTAFF

  So I do, against my will.

  POINS

  45

  O, ’tis our setter. I know his voice, Bardolph. —What news?

  GADSHILL

  Case you, case you. On with your vizards. There’s money of the King’s coming down the hill. ’Tis going to the King’s Exchequer.

  FALSTAFF

  50

  You lie, you rogue. ’Tis going to the King’s Tavern.

  GADSHILL

  There’s enough to make us all.

  FALSTAFF

  To be hanged.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane. Ned Poins and I will walk lower. If they ’scape from your

  55

  encounter, then they light on us.

  PETO

  How many be there of them?

  GADSHILL

  Some eight or ten.

  FALSTAFF

  Zounds, will they not rob us?

  PRINCE HENRY

  What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?

  FALSTAFF

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  Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather, but yet no coward, Hal.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, we leave that to the proof.

  POINS

  Sirrah Jack, thy horse stands behind the hedge. When thou needest him, there thou shalt find him. Farewell, and stand

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  fast.

  FALSTAFF

  Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hanged.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (aside to POINS) Ned, where are our disguises?

  POINS

  (aside to PRINCE HENRY) Here, hard by. Stand close.

  Exeunt PRINCE HENRY and POINS

  FALSTAFF

  Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I. Every man

  70

  to his business.

  Enter the TRAVELERS

  FIRST TRAVELER

  Come, neighbor, the boy shall lead our horses down the hill. We’ll walk afoot awhile and ease our legs.

  THIEVES

  Stand!

  TRAVELERS

  Jesus bless us!

  FALSTAFF

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  Strike! Down with them! Cut the villains’ throats! Ah, whoreson caterpillars, bacon-fed knaves, they hate us youth. Down with them! Fleece them!

  TRAVELERS

  O, we are undone, both we and ours forever!

  FALSTAFF

  Hang, you gorbellied knaves! Are you undone? No, you fat

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  chuffs. I would your store were here. On, bacons, on! What, you knaves, young men must live. You are grandjurors, are you? We’ll jure you, faith.

  Here they rob them and bind them. Exeunt

  Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS

  PRINCE HENRY

  The thieves have bound the true men. Now could thou and I rob the thieves and go merrily to London, it would be

  85

  argument for a week, laughter for a month, and a good jest forever.

  POINS

  Stand close, I hear them coming.

  PRINCE HENRY and POINS hide. Enter the thieves again

  FALSTAFF

  Come, my masters, let us share, and then to horse before day. An the Prince and Poins be not two arrant cowards,

  90

  there’s no equity stirring. There’s no more valor in that Poins than in a wild duck.

  As they are sharing, PRINCE HENRY and POINS set upon them.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Your money!

  POINS

  Villains!

  They all run away, and FALSTAFF, after a blow or two, runs away too, leaving the booty behind them.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse.

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  The thieves are all scattered, and possessed with fear

  So strongly that they dare not meet each other.

  Each takes his fellow for an officer.

  Away, good Ned. Falstaff sweats to death,

  And lards the lean earth as he walks along.

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  Were ’t not for laughing, I should pity him.

  POINS

  How the fat rogue roared!

  Exeunt

  ACT 2, SCENE 2

  Modern Text

  PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH enter.

  POINS

  Come on, hide, hide! I stole Falstaff’s horse, and he’s rubbed the wrong way; he’s fraying like cheap velvet.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Stay hidden.

  POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH exit.

  FALSTAFF enters.

  FALSTAFF

  Poins! Poins, damn you! Poins!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Quiet, you fat-bellied jerk! What a racket you’re making!

  FALSTAFF

  Where’s Poins, Hal?

  PRINCE HENRY

  He walked up the hill. I’ll go find him.

  PRINCE HENRY exits.

  FALSTAFF

  I got a raw deal, to be out robbing with him. He stole my horse and tied him up someplace. If I have to walk even four feet more, I’ll be totally out of breath. Still, I bet I’ll die a natural death—if I don’t get hanged for killing that jerk, that is. Every hour for the past twenty-two years, I’ve sworn I’d never talk to him again, but I love his company. He must have slipped me a love potion that makes me adore him. Damn, that must be it: I have drunk love potions. Poins! Hal! Drop dead, the both of you! Bardolph! Peto! I’ll die if I have to walk another foot. If turning honest and abandoning these jerks weren’t the best things I could possibly do for myself, then I’m the worst scoundrel that ever lived. Eight yards of rough road is like seventy miles to me, and these hard-hearted crooks know it. It stinks when there’s no honor among thieves.

  They whistle from offstage.

  Whew!

  PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH enter.

  The hell with you all! Give me my horse, you dead-beats. Give me my horse and the hell with you!

  PRINCE HENRY

  Shut up, fatso! Lie down, put your ear to the ground, and listen for the footsteps of travelers.

  FALSTAFF

  Do you have a crane to lift me up again once I’m down? Damn, I wouldn’t walk my fat self this far again for all the money in your father’s treasury. What are you doing horsing around with me like this?

  PRINCE HENRY

  You’re lying. We can’t horse around, because you don’t have a horse.

  FALSTAFF

  Please, my good Hal, help me find my horse, you good king’s son.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Later with that! You want me to be your stable boy?

  FALSTAFF

  Go drop dead in your own heir-apparent pants. If I’m arrested, I’ll rat you out, too. If I don’t get them singing dirty songs in the street about you all, let me be poisoned to death with booze. I hate it when a practical joke gets so out of hand—and with me out of a horse, too!

  GADSHILL enters.

  GADSHILL

  Freeze!

  FALSTAFF

  I am, and I don’t like it.

  POINS

  Oh, that’s the man who planned the whole thing; I recognize his voice, Bardolph.—What’s going on?

  GADSHILL

  Cover your faces, cover your faces. Get your masks on. There’s tax money coming down the hill, on its way to the King’s treasury.

  FALSTAFF

  That’s a lie, you clown. It’s on its way to the king’s bank.

  GADSHILL

  There’s enough to make us all rich.

  FALSTAFF

  Or to get us all hanged.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Listen, you four confront them in the narrow lane. Ned Poins and I will wait further down. If they get away from you, they’ll run right into us.

  PETO

  How many of them are there?

  GADSHILL

  About eight or ten.

  FALSTAFF

  Damn! Won’t they rob us?

  PRINCE HENRY

  What, are you a coward, Sir John Fatstuff?

  FALSTAFF

  Well, I’m certainly not John of Gaunt, your grandfather, but I’m no coward, Hal.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, we’ll see about that.

  POINS

  Jack, sirrah, your horse is there behind the hedge. When you need him, that’s where you’ll find him. So long, and be brave.

  FALSTAFF

  I can’t hit him. I’d be hanged.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (to POINS, so others cannot hear) Ned, where are our disguises?

  POINS

  (to PRINCE HENRY) They’re here, close by. Now hide.

  PRINCE HENRY and POINS exit.

  FALSTAFF

  Now, men, here’s to happy endings. Every man to his station.

  The TRAVELERS enter.

  FIRST TRAVELER

  Come on, friend. The boy will lead our horses down the hill while we walk a bit and stretch our legs.

  THIEVES

  Freeze!

  TRAVELERS

  Jesus bless us!

  FALSTAFF

  Hit them! Down with them! Cut their throats! Yahhhhh! No-good bloodsuckers! Overfed morons! They hate young people like us. Down with them! Rob them blind!

  TRAVELERS

  Oh! We’re done for!

  FALSTAFF

  Damn it, you potbellied morons, are you finished? No, you fat misers. I wish everything you owned were here. Come on, pigs, come on! What, you idiots! Young men have to survive. You’re Grand Jurors, aren’t you? Well here’s some justice for you!

  The thieves rob the travelers and tie them up.

  They all exit.

  PRINCE HENRY and POINS enter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  The thieves have tied up the honest men. If you and I can now rob the robbers and run laughing to London, we would talk about it for a week, laugh about it for a month, and it would be a hilarious story forever.

  POINS

  Get down. I hear them coming.

  PRINCE HENRY and POINS hide. The THIEVES return.

  FALSTAFF

  Come on, boys, let’s divide up the spoils and then ride off before dawn. If the Prince and Poins aren’t cowards, there’s no justice in the universe. Poins is about as brave as a duck.

  As the thieves split the money, PRINCE HENRY and POINS attack them.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (in disguise) Give us your money!

  POINS

  (in disguise) Crooks!

  The thieves all run away. FALSTAFF fights for a moment, then runs away as well, leaving all of the money behind.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Too easy. Now we ride off happily. The thieves have scattered, and they’re so terrified that they don’t even want to run into each other—they’ll each think that the other guy is an officer! Let’s go, Ned. Falstaff is sweating so hard that he’s watering the ground as he walks along. If I weren’t laughing so hard, I’d actually feel sorry for him.

  POINS

  How loud that fat rogue screamed!

  They exit.

  ACT 2, SCENE 3

  Original Text

  Enter HOTSPUR alone, reading a letter

  HOTSPUR

  But, for mine own part, my lord, I could be well contented to be there, in respect of the love I bear your house. He could be contented; why is he not, then? In respect of the love he bears our house—he shows in this he loves his own barn

  5

  better than he loves our house. Let me see some more. The purpose you undertake is dangerous. Why, that’s certain. ’Tis dangerous to take a cold, to sleep, to drink; but I tell you, my lord fool, out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety. The purpose you undertake is dangerous, the friends

  10

  you have named uncertain, the time itself unsorted, and your whole plot too light for the counterpoise of so great an opposition. Say you so, say you so? I say unto you again, you are a shallow, cowardly hind, and you lie. What a lack-brain is this! By the Lord, our plot is a good plot as ever was laid,

  15

  our friends true and constant—a good plot, good friends, and full of expectation; an excellent plot, very good friends. What a frosty-spirited rogue is this! Why, my Lord of York commends the plot and the general course of the action. Zounds, an I were now by this rascal, I could brain him with

  20

  his lady’s fan. Is there not my father, my uncle, and myself? Lord Edmund Mortimer, my Lord of York, and Owen Glendower? Is there not besides the Douglas? Have I not all their letters to meet me in arms by the ninth of the next month, and are they not some of them set forward already?

  25

  What a pagan rascal is this—an infidel! Ha, you shall see now in very sincerity of fear and cold heart, will he to the King and lay open all our proceedings. O, I could divide myself and go to buffets, for moving such a dish of skim milk with so honorable an action! Hang him, let him tell the

  30

  King. We are prepared. I will set forward tonight.

  Enter his lady, LADY PERCY

  How now, Kate? I must leave you within these two hours.

  LADY PERCY

  O my good lord, why are you thus alone?

  For what offense have I this fortnight been

  A banished woman from my Harry’s bed?

  35

  Tell me, sweet lord, what is ’t that takes from thee

  Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?

  Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth

  And start so often when thou sit’st alone?

  Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks

  40

  And given my treasures and my rights of thee

  To thick-eyed musing and curst melancholy?

  In thy faint slumbers I by thee have watched,

  And heard thee murmur tales of iron wars,

  Speak terms of manage to thy bounding steed,

  45

  Cry “Courage! To the field!” And thou hast talk’d

  Of sallies and retires, of trenches, tents,

  Of palisadoes, frontiers, parapets,

  Of basilisks, of cannon, culverin,

  Of prisoners’ ransom and of soldiers slain,

  50

  And all the currents of a heady fight.

  Thy spirit within thee hath been so at war,

  And thus hath so bestirred thee in thy sleep,

  That beads of sweat have stood upon thy brow

  Like bubbles in a late-disturbèd stream,

  55

  And in thy face strange motions have appeared,

  Such as we see when men restrain their breath

  On some great sudden hest. O, what portents are these?

  Some heavy business hath my lord in hand,

  And I must know it, else he loves me not.

  HOTSPUR

  60

  What, ho!

  Enter SERVANT

  Is Gilliams with the packet gone?

  SERVANT

  He is, my lord, an hour ago.

  HOTSPUR

  Hath Butler brought those horses from the sheriff?

  SERVANT

  One horse, my lord, he brought even now.

  HOTSPUR

  What horse? A roan, a crop-ear, is it not?

  SERVANT

  65

  It is, my lord.

  HOTSPUR

  That roan shall be my throne.

  Well, I will back him straight. O, Esperance!

  Bid Butler lead him forth into the park.

  Exit SERVANT

  LADY PERCY

  But hear you, my lord.

  HOTSPUR

  What say’st thou, my lady?

  LADY PERCY

  What is it carries you away?

  HOTSPUR

  Why, my horse,

  70

  My love, my horse.

  LADY PERCY

  Out, you mad-headed ape!

  A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen

  As you are tossed with. In faith,

  I’ll know your business, Harry, that I will.

  I fear my brother Mortimer doth stir

  75

  About his title, and hath sent for you

  To line his enterprise; but if you go—

  HOTSPUR

  —So far afoot, I shall be weary, love.

  LADY PERCY

  Come, come, you paraquito, answer me

  Directly unto this question that I ask.

  80

  In faith, I’ll break thy little finger, Harry,

  An if thou wilt not tell me all things true.

  HOTSPUR

  Away!

  Away, you trifler. Love, I love thee not.

  I care not for thee, Kate. This is no world

  85

  To play with mammets and to tilt with lips.

  We must have bloody noses and cracked crowns,

  And pass them current too.—Gods me, my horse!—

  What say’st thou, Kate? What would’st thou have with me?