PISTOL

  Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen mate! Away, you

  105

  mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

  PISTOL

  I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you

  110

  basket-hilt stale juggler, you. Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!

  PISTOL

  God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.

  FALSTAFF

  No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  115

  No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a captain? You

  120

  slave, for what? For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house? He a captain! Hang him, rogue. He lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God’s light, these villains will make the word as odious as the word “occupy,” which was an excellent good word before it was

  125

  ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to ’t.

  BARDOLPH

  Pray thee go down, good ancient.

  FALSTAFF

  Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

  PISTOL

  Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her. I’ll be revenged of her.

  PAGE

  130

  Pray thee go down.

  PISTOL

  I’ll see her damned first to Pluto’s damnèd lake, by this hand, to th’ infernal deep with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! Down, Fates! Have we not Hiren here?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  135

  Good Captain Peesell, be quiet. ’Tis very late, i’ faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

  PISTOL

  These be good humors indeed. Shall pack-horses

  And hollow pampered jades of Asia, which cannot go but thirty mile a day,

  140

  Compare with Caesars and with cannibals, and Troyant

  Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with King

  Cerberus, and let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

  BARDOLPH

  145

  Begone, good ancient. This will grow to a brawl anon.

  PISTOL

  Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren here?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O’ my word, captain, there’s none such here. What the good-year, do you think I would deny her? For God’s sake,

  150

  be quiet.

  PISTOL

  Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, give ’s some sack. Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento. Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire. Give me some sack, and, sweetheart, lie thou there. (lays down his sword) Come

  155

  we to full points here? And are etceteras nothing?

  FALSTAFF

  Pistol, I would be quiet.

  PISTOL

  Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the seven stars.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs. I cannot endure

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  such a fustian rascal.

  PISTOL

  “Thrust him downstairs”? Know we not Galloway nags?

  FALSTAFF

  Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling. Nay, an he do nothing but speak nothing, he shall be nothing here.

  BARDOLPH

  165

  Come, get you downstairs.

  PISTOL

  What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue? (snatches up his sword) Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days. Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds untwine the Sisters Three. Come, Atropos, I say.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  170

  Here’s goodly stuff toward!

  FALSTAFF

  Give me my rapier, boy.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.

  FALSTAFF

  Get you downstairs. (drawing and driving PISTOL out)

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Here’s a goodly tumult. I’ll forswear keeping house afore

  175

  I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So, murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.

  Exeunt PISTOL pursued by BARDOLPH

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal’s gone. Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  180

  Are you not hurt i’ the groin? Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your belly.

  Enter BARDOLPH

  FALSTAFF

  Have you turned him out o’ doors?

  BARDOLPH

  Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk. You have hurt him, sir, i’ the shoulder.

  FALSTAFF

  185

  A rascal to brave me!

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape, how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, i’ faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and

  190

  ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

  FALSTAFF

  Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Do, an thou darest for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.

  Enter musicians

  PAGE

  The music is come, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  195

  Let them play.—Play, sirs.—Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I’ faith, and thou followed’st him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights and begin to

  200

  patch up thine old body for heaven?

  Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised as drawers

  FALSTAFF

  Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a death’s-head; do not bid me remember mine end.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Sirrah, what humor’s the Prince of?

  FALSTAFF

  A good shallow young fellow, he would have made a good

  205

  pantler; he would a’ chipped bread well.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  They say Poins has a good wit.

  FALSTAFF

  He a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit’s as thick as Tewksbury mustard. There’s no more conceit in him than is in a mallet.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  210

  Why does the Prince love him so then?

  FALSTAFF

  Because their legs are both of a bigness, and he plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon joint stools, and swears with a

  215

  good grace, and wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties he has that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the Prince admits him; for the Prince himself is such another. The

  220

  weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (to POINS) Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?

  POINS

  Let’s beat him before his whore.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like

  225

  a parrot.

  POINS

  Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?

  FALSTAFF

  Kiss me, Doll.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says th’

  230

  almanac to that?

  POINS

  And look whether the fiery trigon, his man, be not lisping to his master’s old tables, his notebook, his counsel keeper.

  FALSTAFF

  (to DOLL) Thou dost give me flattering busses.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

  FALSTAFF

  235

  I am old, I am old.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young boy of them all.

  FALSTAFF

  What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money o’ Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song!

  240

  Come, it grows late. We’ll to bed. Thou ’lt forget me when I am gone.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  By my troth, thou ’lt set me a-weeping an thou sayest so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return. Well, harken a’ th’ end.

  FALSTAFF

  245

  Some sack, Francis.

  PRINCE HENRY AND POINS

  Anon, anon, sir.

  Coming forward

  FALSTAFF

  Ha? A bastard son of the King’s?—And art not thou Poins his brother?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou

  250

  lead?

  FALSTAFF

  A better than thou. I am a gentleman. Thou art a drawer.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O, the Lord preserve thy good Grace! By my troth, welcome to London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of

  255

  thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales?

  FALSTAFF

  Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, (indicating DOLL) by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  How? You fat fool, I scorn you.

  POINS

  260

  My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

  PRINCE HENRY

  You whoreson candle-mine, you how vilely did you speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  265

  God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she is, by my troth.

  FALSTAFF

  Didst thou hear me?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by Gad’s Hill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.

  FALSTAFF

  270

  No, no, no; not so. I did not think thou wast within hearing.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I shall drive you, then, to confess the wilfull abuse, and then I know how to handle you.

  FALSTAFF

  No abuse, Hal, o’ mine honor, no abuse.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Not to dispraise me and call me pantier and bread-chipper

  275

  and I know not what?

  FALSTAFF

  No abuse, Hal.

  POINS

  No abuse?

  FALSTAFF

  No abuse, Ned, i’ th’ world, honest Ned, none. I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love

  280

  with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal.—None, Ned, none. No, faith, boys, none.

  PRINCE HENRY

  See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not

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  make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked, is thine hostess here of the wicked, or is thy boy of the wicked, or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?

  POINS

  Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

  FALSTAFF

  290

  The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about him, but the devil outbids him too.

  PRINCE HENRY

  For the women?

  FALSTAFF

  295

  For one of them, she’s in hell already and burns poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and whether she be damned for that I know not.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  No, I warrant you.

  FALSTAFF

  No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that.

  300

  Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  All vitlars do so. What’s a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent?

  PRINCE HENRY

  305

  You, gentlewoman.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  What says your Grace?

  FALSTAFF

  His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

  Knocking within

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th’ door there, Francis.

  Enter PETO

  PRINCE HENRY

  Peto, how now, what news?

  PETO

  310

  The King your father is at Westminster,

  And there are twenty weak and wearied posts

  Come from the north, and as I came along

  I met and overtook a dozen captains,

  Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns

  315

  And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.

  PRINCE HENRY

  By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame

  So idly to profane the precious time

  When tempest of commotion, like the south

  Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt

  320

  And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads.—

  Give me my sword and cloak.—Falstaff, good night.

  Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH

  FALSTAFF

  Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked.

  Knocking within

  More knocking at the door?

  Enter BARDOLPH

  325

  How now, what’s the matter?

  BARDOLPH

  You must away to court, sir, presently.

  A dozen captains stay at door for you.

  FALSTAFF

  (to the PAGE) Pay the musicians, sirrah.—Farewell, hostess.—Farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how

  330

  men of merit are sought after. The undeserver may sleep when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst—well,

  335

  sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

  FALSTAFF

  Farewell, farewell.

  Exeunt FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, PAGE, and musicians

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine years, come peascod time, but an honester and truer-hearted man—well, fare thee well.

  BARDOLPH

  340

  (within) Mistress Tearsheet!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  What’s the matter?

  BARDOLPH

  (within) Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O, run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come.—She comes blubbered.—Yea! Will you come, Doll?

  Exeunt

  ACT 2, SCENE 4

  Modern Text

  Two DRAWERS enter.

  FRANCIS

  What the hell have you got there? Apple johns? You know Sir John can’t stand apple johns.

  SECOND DRAWER

  Damn, you’re right. One day the Prince put a plate of apple-johns in front of Falstaff and said, “Here are five more Sir Johns.” Then the Prince took off his hat and said, “I’m now going to bid farewell to these six dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered Sir John deeply, but he got over it.

  FRANCIS

  Well then, put the table cloth on and set the dish down. Go see if you can find Sneak’s band of musicians. Mistress Tearsheet wants to hear some music.

  Enter THIRD DRAWER

  THIRD DRAWER

  Hurry! The room they ate in was too hot, and they’ll be here any minute.

  FRANCIS

  Sirrah, the Prince and Poins will be here soon. They’re going to put on a couple of our jackets and aprons. Sir John can’t know it’s them. Bardolph came and told me.

  THIRD DRAWER

  Well, there’s going to be hilarity here! What a great scheme!

  SECOND DRAWER

  I’ll see if I can find Sneak.

  The DRAWERS exit.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET enter.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I swear, sweetheart, you seem to be in a great temporality. Your pulsidge is beating as strongly as you could want, and your color is as red as a rose; truly! But seriously, I do think you’ve drank too much of that sweet wine from the Canary Islands—it’s a mighty powerful drink, and it’ll get into your blood faster than you can say, “What’s this?” How are you feeling now?

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Better than I was before. (she coughs or belches)

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Well said! A healthy heart is worth its weight in gold. Look, here comes Sir John.

  FALSTAFF enters.

  FALSTAFF

  (singing) “When Arthur first in court”—somebody empty the chamber pot! “And was a worthy king”—how are you, Mistress Doll?