PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH exit.

  FALSTAFF

  Now’s the sweetest part of the night, and we have to leave without enjoying it.

  Knocking is heard offstage.

  More knocking!

  BARDOLPH enters.

  What’s going on? What’s the matter?

  BARDOLPH

  You have to go to the royal court immediately, sir. A dozen captains are at the door waiting for you.

  FALSTAFF

  (to the PAGE) Pay the musicians, Sirrah. Goodbye, waitress. Goodbye, Doll. See, wenches, how wanted we valuable men are? The good-for-nothing may sleep when the man of action is needed. Farewell, good wenches. If I’m not sent away immediately, I’ll come see you again before I go.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I can’t speak; my heart is ready to burst. Well, sweet Jack, take care of yourself.

  FALSTAFF

  Farewell, farewell.

  FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH exit.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Well, goodbye. I’ve known you twenty-nine years this June. But a more honest, more good-hearted man—well, fare you well.

  BARDOLPH

  (offstage) Mistress Tearsheet!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  What’s the matter?

  BARDOLPH

  (offstage) Mistress Tearsheet, come to my master.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll. Come.—She’s coming, all crying and blubbering.—Will you come, Doll?

  They exit.

  i.e., “he’s run up a bill as big as infinity.” Mistress Quickly has a tendency to comically mangle her phrases.

  Pie Corner was a market known for cook’s shops, horses, and sex. “Saddle” is a pun on female genitalia.

  indited = invited

  mark = unit of currency

  honeysuckle, honey-seed, hemp-seed = homicidal, homicide

  Mistress Quickly mistakes Fang’s warning as a request for “escapes.”

  shillings = unit of currency

  The Biblical tale of the prodigal son, who wastes his inheritance before contritely returning to his father’s house, was a popular subject for wall decorations.

  noble = unit of currency; twenty nobles = approximately six pounds

  Falstaff is referencing an earlier part of the scene, when the Chief Justice similarly ignored Falstaff.

  small beer = a kind of weak, thin beer

  Possibly, Falstaff has dressed his page in a ridiculous outfit.

  Poins and the page are joking about Bardolph’s face, which is red from drinking.

  crown = kind of coin

  road = slang for “common prostitute”

  The Roman god Jove disguised himself as a white bull to carry away the maiden Europa

  apple johns = a variety of apple, eaten once the fruit is shriveled

  temporality = temper; pulsidge = pulse

  The lyrics are from a popular ballad of the time, “Sir Lancelot du Lake.”

  qualm = nausea, or a fainting spell

  This might be a line from a ballad. “Ouches,” in the original Shakespearean line, meant both “gem, brooch, or buckle” and “sore.” Falstaff jokes that the “ewels” men get from Doll are the sores of a venereal disease.

  Falstaff describes a bout of venereal disease as a military battle.

  In Shakespeare’s line, Mistress Quickly mistakenly uses “rheumatic” for “choleric” (i.e., irritable) and “confirmities” for “infirmities.”

  drawers = those who serve drinks

  Mistress Quickly misunderstands “cheater” as “escheator,” a type of royal treasury officer.

  Falstaff “charges”, or toasts Pistol, and asks him to toast Mistress Quickly in return. A pistol is also “charged,” or loaded, with bullets, and “discharged” when it is fired.

  bullets = testicles

  occupy = slang for “copulate”

  From here until he exits, Pistol’s language is strange and heightened. He continually makes garbled references to classical plays and poems that would have been familiar to Shakespeare’s audience.

  Mistress Quickly mishears the word “Hiren” as a woman’s name.

  “If fortune torments me, hope contents me.” Pistol’s motto is a garbled mix of French, Spanish and Italian.

  et ceteras = slang for “vaginas’”

  In Greek and Roman mythology, the Three Fates spun threads representing the life of each human being; Atropos, the third sister, cut the thread when life was finished.

  Hector of Troy and Agamemnon were great heroes of the Trojan War.

  death’s-head = a skull, used as a reminder of one’s mortality

  Directors must decide if Doll sees Hal and Poins and sets Falstaff up, or if she doesn’t see them and happens to ask these questions innocently

  Possibly, Doll is playing with Falstaff’s hair.

  Saturn was the planet of old age, Venus the planet of love and desire.

  The incident at Gad’s Hill occurs in Act Two of Henry IV, Part One.

  ACT THREE

  SCENE 1

  Original Text

  Enter KING Henry in his nightgown, with a page

  KING

  Go call the Earls of Surrey and of Warwick;

  But, ere they come, bid them o’erread these letters

  And well consider of them. Make good speed.

  Exit page

  How many thousand of my poorest subjects

  5

  Are at this hour asleep! O sleep, O gentle sleep,

  Nature’s soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,

  That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down

  And steep my senses in forgetfulness?

  Why rather, sleep, liest thou in smoky cribs,

  10

  Upon uneasy pallets stretching thee

  And hushed with buzzing night-flies to thy slumber,

  Than in the perfumed chambers of the great,

  Under the canopies of costly state,

  And lull’d with sound of sweetest melody?

  15

  O thou dull god, why liest thou with the vile

  In loathsome beds and leavest the kingly couch

  A watch-case or a common ’larum bell?

  Wilt thou upon the high and giddy mast

  Seal up the shipboy’s eyes, and rock his brains

  20

  In cradle of the rude imperious surge

  And in the visitation of the winds,

  Who take the ruffian billows by the top,

  Curling their monstrous heads and hanging them

  With deafening clamor in the slippery clouds

  25

  That with the hurly death itself awakes?

  Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose

  To the wet sea-boy in an hour so rude,

  And, in the calmest and most stillest night,

  With all appliances and means to boot,

  30

  Deny it to a king? Then, happy low, lie down.

  Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

  Enter WARWICK and SURREY

  WARWICK

  Many good morrows to your Majesty.

  KING

  Is it good morrow, lords?

  WARWICK

  ’Tis one o’clock, and past.

  KING

  35

  Why then, good morrow to you all, my lords.

  Have you read o’er the letter that I sent you?

  WARWICK

  We have, my liege.

  KING

  Then you perceive the body of our kingdom

  How foul it is, what rank diseases grow

  40

  And with what danger near the heart of it.

  WARWICK

  It is but as a body yet distempered,

  Which to his former strength may be restored

  With good advice and little medicine.

  My Lord Northumberland will soon be cooled.

  KING

  45

  O God, that one might read the book of fate

  And see the revolution of the times

  Make mountains level, and the continent,

  Weary of solid firmness, melt itself

  Into the sea, and other times to see

  50

  The beachy girdle of the ocean

  Too wide for Neptune’s hips; how chance’s mocks

  And changes fill the cup of alteration

  With divers liquors! O, if this were seen,

  The happiest youth, viewing his progress through,

  55

  What perils past, what crosses to ensue,

  Would shut the book, and sit him down and die.

  ’Tis not ten years gone

  Since Richard and Northumberland, great friends,

  Did feast together, and in two years after

  60

  Were they at wars. It is but eight years since

  This Percy was the man nearest my soul,

  Who like a brother toiled in my affairs

  And laid his love and life under my foot,

  Yea, for my sake, even to the eyes of Richard

  65

  Gave him defiance. But which of you was by—

  (to WARWICK) You, cousin Nevil, as I may remember—

  When Richard, with his eye brimful of tears,

  Then checked and rated by Northumberland,

  Did speak these words, now proved a prophecy?

  70

  “Northumberland, thou ladder by the which

  My cousin Bolingbroke ascends my throne”—

  Though then, God knows, I had no such intent,

  But that necessity so bowed the state

  That I and greatness were compelled to kiss—

  75

  “The time shall come,” thus did he follow it,

  “The time will come that foul sin, gathering head,

  Shall break into corruption”—so went on,

  Foretelling this same time’s condition

  And the division of our amity.

  WARWICK

  80

  There is a history in all men’s lives

  Figuring the nature of the times deceased,

  The which observed, a man may prophesy,

  With a near aim, of the main chance of things

  As yet not come to life, which in their seeds

  85

  And weak beginnings lie intreasurèd.

  Such things become the hatch and brood of time,

  And by the necessary form of this,

  King Richard might create a perfect guess

  That great Northumberland, then false to him,

  90

  Would of that seed grow to a greater falseness,

  Which should not find a ground to root upon

  Unless on you.

  KING

  Are these things then necessities?

  Then let us meet them like necessities.

  95

  And that same word even now cries out on us.

  They say the Bishop and Northumberland

  Are fifty thousand strong.

  WARWICK

  It cannot be, my lord.

  Rumor doth double, like the voice and echo,

  100

  The numbers of the feared. Please it your Grace

  To go to bed. Upon my soul, my lord,

  The powers that you already have sent forth

  Shall bring this prize in very easily.

  To comfort you the more, I have received

  105

  A certain instance that Glendower is dead.

  Your Majesty hath been this fortnight ill,

  And these unseasoned hours perforce must add

  Unto your sickness.

  KING

  I will take your counsel.

  And were these inward wars once out of hand,

  110

  We would, dear lords, unto the Holy Land.

  Exeunt

  ACT THREE

  SCENE 1

  Modern Text

  KING Henry enters, wearing his nightgown. A page follows.

  KING

  Call the earls of Surrey and Warwick. Tell them to read over these letters before they come, and to think carefully about them. Hurry.

  The page exits.

  Thousands of even my poorest subjects are sleeping right now. Oh sleep! Oh sweet sleep, nature’s gentle healer, what have I done to frighten you? You won’t weigh down my eyelids anymore, or dull my mind to make me forget. Sleep, why do you lie in filthy hovels, stretched out on uncomfortable cots, where insects’ buzzing is the lullaby? Why don’t you lie in the sweet-smelling bedrooms of kings, under opulent canopies, lulled with soft and beautiful music? You drowsy god, why do you lie with the common people in their loathsome beds, leaving the royal bed lonely like a sentry post, or a bell tower?

  Will you even close the eyes of a ship boy, high up on the whirling mast, and rock him gently in a cradle made of rough, tossing seas and howling winds—winds which take the waves and, curling them over, crashes them through the air with such a deafening noise that they wake death itself? Can you, oh unfair sleep, give rest to a drenched little sailor in the midst of such roughness, and yet deny it to a king?

  A king on the calmest, stillest night, with everything available for sleep? Then, you happy commoners, put yourselves to bed. The head that wears the crown sleeps uneasily.

  WARWICK and SURREY enter.

  WARWICK

  Good morning, your highness.

  KING

  Is it morning, lords?

  WARWICK

  It’s after one o’clock.

  KING

  Well, then, good morning to you all, my lords. Have you read the letters I sent you?

  WARWICK

  We have, your highness.

  KING

  Then you can tell how sick the kingdom is. There are serious diseases spreading through its body, very near its heart.

  WARWICK

  The body’s only out of sorts. It can be brought back to full health through good care and some medicine. Northumberland will soon be suppressed.

  KING

  Oh God! If only we could read the book of destiny! We’d see how time changes everything, bringing mountains low and melting the land—which is tired of being solid and firm—into the sea. We’d see how the beach is sometimes too wide for even the tide to conquer. We’d see how blind luck can make mockeries of men, and how change can affect you in countless ways.

  If even the happiest youth could read this book, he’d look at the course of his life—the dangers he’s endured, the challenges that still lie ahead—and he’d shut that book, sit down and die. It was less than ten years ago that Richard and Northumberland loved each other. Then two years later, they were at war. Just eight years ago, Northumberland was the man closest to my heart. Like a brother, he devoted himself to me, dedicating both life and limb to my cause. He even challenged Richard on my behalf. But which of you was there—

  I think it was you, Warwick—when Richard, his eyes brimming with tears because of Northumberland’s rebellion, spoke these words that now seem prophetic: “Northumberland, you are the ladder that Bolingbroke has climbed to get to the throne.” Although, God knows, it wasn’t my intention then to become king. But the country needed it so badly, I was forced to rise up and become great. “The time will come,” Richard continued, “when this terrible sin, growing in size, will break out into corruption.” That’s how he went on. He predicted our current condition, and the collapse of our alliances.

  WARWICK

  There is a chronicle for every man’s life, which shows what happened to him in times now past. If you study that chronicle, you can prophecy what lies ahead with some accuracy. The seeds of things to come are buried in the things that have already happened. These seeds grow, and become the children of time.

  King Richard could look at the pattern of what had gone before and predict perfectly that Northumberland’s betrayal—then still a seed—would someday grow larger, if it could find suitable soil to root in. And you’re the only soil it could have found.

  KING

  Were these things necessary, then? Then we’ll treat them like necessities, even though the very word “necessities” cries out against us. They say the Archbishop and Northumberland have fifty thousand men in their army.

  WARWICK

  That can’t be, my lord. Rumor, like an echo, doubles the size of our enemy’s army. Please, your highness, go to bed. I swear on my soul that the army you’ve already sent out can win this battle easily. And here’s more good news: I’ve heard for sure that Glendower is dead. You’ve been ill for two weeks now, your majesty. Keeping such irregular hours will surely make things worse.

  KING

  I’ll listen to your advice. And once we’ve got this civil war in hand, we will, my friends, march to the Holy Land.

  They exit.

  ACT 3, SCENE 2

  Original Text

  Enter Justice SHALLOW and Justice SILENCE, with MOULDY, SHADOW, WART, FEEBLE, BULLCALF, and a servant or two

  SHALLOW

  Come on, come on, come on. Give me your hand, sir, give me your hand, sir. An early stirrer, by the rood. And how doth my good cousin Silence?

  SILENCE

  Good morrow, good cousin Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  5

  And how doth my cousin your bedfellow? And your fairest daughter and mine, my goddaughter Ellen?

  SILENCE

  Alas, a black ousel, cousin Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  By yea and no, sir. I dare say my cousin William is become a good scholar. He is at Oxford still, is he not?

  SILENCE

  10

  Indeed, sir, to my cost.

  SHALLOW

  He must then to the Inns o’ Court shortly. I was once of Clement’s Inn, where I think they will talk of mad Shallow yet.

  SILENCE

  You were called “Lusty Shallow” then, cousin.

  SHALLOW

  15

  By the Mass, I was called anything, and I would have done anything indeed too, and roundly too. There was I, and little John Doit of Staffordshire, and black George Barnes, and Francis Pickbone, and Will Squele, a Cotswold man. You had not four such swinge-bucklers in all the Inns o’

  20

  Court again. And I may say to you, we knew where the bona robas were and had the best of them all at commandment. Then was Jack Falstaff, now Sir John, a boy, and page to Thomas Mowbray, Duke of Norfolk.