PRINCE HENRY

  Right. They all say they’re related to us, even if they have to trace the family tree all the way back to Japhet, the common ancestor of all Europeans. But back to the letter. (takes the letter and reads) “Sir John Falstaff—knight to the son of the King, nearest to his father, Harry Prince of Wales—sends his greetings.”

  POINS

  Listen to that. It sounds like a contract.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Quiet! (reads) “I will copy the Romans in shortness.”

  POINS

  He must mean shortness of breath, and wheezing.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (reads) “I salute myself, I salute you, and I’m done. Don’t get too close to Poins. He takes such rampant advantage of your kindness that he swears you will marry his sister Nell. Confess your sins when you have the time; and with that, farewell. Yours up and down (which is to say, in whatever way you feel like), I remain Jack Falstaff to my friends, John to my brothers and sisters, and Sir John to all Europe.”

  POINS

  Sir, I’ll soak this letter in wine and shove it down his throat.

  PRINCE HENRY

  That would be making him eat twenty of his words. But are you taking advantage of me like he says, Ned? Must I marry your sister?

  POINS

  It would be her lucky day if you did. But I never said that.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, we’re wasting time, and the angels in heaven are mocking us. (to BARDOLPH) Is your boss here in London?

  BARDOLPH

  Yes, my lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Where’s he eating tonight? Is the old pig eating in the old sty?

  BARDOLPH

  At the old place, my lord. In Eastcheap.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Who’s with him?

  PAGE

  The usual old characters.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Are any women eating with him?

  PAGE

  No women sir. Just old Mistress Quickly and Mistress Doll Tearsheet.

  PRINCE HENRY

  What heathen is that?

  PAGE

  A proper lady, sir, and my master’s relative.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Exactly the kind of relative as the country cows are to the town bull. Ned, should we spy on them as they eat supper?

  POINS

  I’m after you like a shadow, my lord: I’ll follow you.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Sirrah, you boy, and you, Bardolph—don’t tell your master that I’m back in town. (gives them money) This is for your silence.

  BARDOLPH

  I have no tongue to speak with, sir.

  PAGE

  As for my tongue, I’ll manage it.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Farewell to you both; go now.

  BARDOLPH and the PAGE exit.

  This Doll Tearsheet must be some road.

  POINS

  Truly, she’s as well-traveled as the highway to London.

  PRINCE HENRY

  How can we see Falstaff behave like his true self tonight, and yet not be detected ourselves?

  POINS

  We’ll put on leather jackets and aprons and wait upon him as bartenders.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Should a God disguise himself as a bull? That’s quite a degradation. Well, Jove did it. And should a prince disguise himself as an apprentice bartender and transform into something so lowly? Yes, I will: in every undertaking, the ends must match the means. Follow me, Ned.

  They exit.

  ACT 2, SCENE 3

  Original Text

  Enter NORTHUMBERLAND, LADY NORTHUMBERLAND, and LADY PERCY

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  I pray thee, loving wife and gentle daughter,

  Give even way unto my rough affairs.

  Put not you on the visage of the times

  And be, like them, to Percy troublesome.

  LADY NORTHUMBERLAND

  5

  I have given over. I will speak no more.

  Do what you will; your wisdom be your guide.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  Alas, sweet wife, my honor is at pawn,

  And, but my going, nothing can redeem it.

  LADY PERCY

  O yet, for God’s sake, go not to these wars.

  10

  The time was, father, that you broke your word,

  When you were more endeared to it than now,

  When your own Percy, when my heart’s dear Harry,

  Threw many a northward look to see his father

  Bring up his powers; but he did long in vain.

  15

  Who then persuaded you to stay at home?

  There were two honors lost, yours and your son’s.

  For yours, the God of heaven brighten it.

  For his, it stuck upon him as the sun

  In the gray vault of heaven, and by his light

  20

  Did all the chivalry of England move

  To do brave acts. He was indeed the glass

  Wherein the noble youth did dress themselves.

  He had no legs that practiced not his gait;

  And speaking thick, which nature made his blemish,

  25

  Became the accents of the valiant;

  For those that could speak low and tardily

  Would turn their own perfection to abuse

  To seem like him. So that in speech, in gait,

  In diet, in affections of delight,

  30

  In military rules, humors of blood,

  He was the mark and glass, copy and book,

  That fashioned others. And him—O wondrous him!

  O miracle of men!—him did you leave,

  Second to none, unseconded by you,

  35

  To look upon the hideous god of war

  In disadvantage, to abide a field

  Where nothing but the sound of Hotspur’s name

  Did seem defensible. So you left him.

  Never, O never, do his ghost the wrong

  40

  To hold your honor more precise and nice

  With others than with him. Let them alone.

  The Marshal and the Archbishop are strong.

  Had my sweet Harry had but half their numbers,

  Today might I, hanging on Hotspur’s neck,

  45

  Have talked of Monmouth’s grave.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  Beshrew your heart,

  Fair daughter, you do draw my spirits from me

  With new lamenting ancient oversights.

  But I must go and meet with danger there,

  Or it will seek me in another place

  50

  And find me worse provided.

  LADY NORTHUMBERLAND

  Oh, fly to Scotland

  Till that the nobles and the armèd commons

  Have of their puissance made a little taste.

  LADY PERCY

  If they get ground and vantage of the King,

  Then join you with them like a rib of steel

  55

  To make strength stronger; but, for all our loves,

  First let them try themselves. So did your son;

  He was so suffered. So came I a widow,

  And never shall have length of life enough

  To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes

  60

  That it may grow and sprout as high as heaven

  For recordation to my noble husband.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  Come, come, go in with me. ’Tis with my mind

  As with the tide swelled up unto his height,

  That makes a still-stand, running neither way.

  65

  Fain would I go to meet the Archbishop,

  But many thousand reasons hold me back.

  I will resolve for Scotland. There am I

  Till time and vantage crave my company.

  Exeunt

  ACT 2, SCENE 3

  Modern Text

  NORTHUMBERLAND, LADY NORTHUMBERLAND, and LADY PERCY enter.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  Please, my loving wife and sweet daughter-in-law, support me in my difficult tasks. Don’t let the grimness of these days be reflected in your faces; don’t add to Percy’s troubles.

  LADY NORTHUMBERLAND

  I give up; I won’t say any more. Do what you want. Let your wisdom guide you.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  For goodness sake, sweet wife, my honor is at stake. Nothing can redeem it except my going.

  LADY PERCY

  For God’s sake, don’t go to these wars! Father-in-law, you once broke your word when you had better reason to keep it than you do now. Your own son Percy—my heart’s beloved Harry—looked northward again and again, hoping to see his father coming with an army. But he hoped in vain. Who persuaded you to stay home that time? Two honors were lost in that battle: yours, and your son’s. As for yours, I hope God will make it shine again. As for Harry’s honor, it clung to him like the sun in a pale blue sky, and by its light every knight in England was moved to act bravely. He was the mirror in which noble youths dressed themselves. All men copied his way of walking, except those who had no legs.

  And talking loudly and quickly—the one flaw nature had given him—became the speech pattern for all brave men. Those who spoke softly and slowly would corrupt their proper speech, just to seem more like Harry. In speech, bearing, and diet; in inclinations toward pleasure, in military actions, and in moods, he was the target, mirror, example, and rulebook that other men followed. And him—Oh wondrous him! Oh miracle of men!—you left him! The best man in the world, unsupported by you, faced the hideous god of war from a position of weakness. His only defense was the sound of his own name, and that is how you left him.

  Never insult his memory by letting your honor count more with strangers than with him. Leave them alone: Marshal Mowbray and the Archbishop are strong. If my darling Harry had had half their army, I might be hanging on his neck today, talking about Prince Hal’s grave.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  For goodness sake, pretty daughter-in-law. You take me out of myself, reminding me again of these past mistakes. But I must go and face danger there or danger will find me somewhere else, where I will be less prepared.

  LADY NORTHUMBERLAND

  Oh, run to Scotland until these noblemen and their armies have skirmished against the king.

  LADY PERCY

  If they make any headway against the King, then join them, and like a steel rod make their strength even stronger. But in the name of the love you feel for us, let them begin on their own. That’s how your son fought. You allowed him to do that, and that’s how I became a widow. If I spend the rest of my life pouring tears on the plant of remembrance, it will never grow tall enough to pay proper tribute to my extraordinary husband.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  Come. Come. Go inside with me. My thoughts are like the ocean at high tide—neither coming in nor going out, seeming to stand still. I want to go join the Archbishop, but many thousands of reasons are holding me back. I’ll go to Scotland and wait there till events unfold and my help is called for.

  They exit.

  ACT 2, SCENE 4

  Original Text

  Enter two DRAWERS

  FRANCIS

  What the devil hast thou brought there—applejohns?

  Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an applejohn.

  SECOND DRAWER

  Mass, thou sayest true. The Prince once set a dish of applejohns before him and told him there were five more Sir

  5

  Johns and, putting off his hat, said “I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered him to the heart. But he hath forgot that.

  FRANCIS

  Why then, cover, and set them down, and see if thou canst find out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear

  10

  some music.

  Enter THIRD DRAWER

  THIRD DRAWER

  Dispatch: the room where they supped is too hot. They’ll come in straight.

  FRANCIS

  Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir John

  15

  must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.

  THIRD DRAWER

  By the Mass, here will be old utis. It will be an excellent stratagem.

  SECOND DRAWER

  I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.

  FRANCIS and THE DRAWERS exit

  Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  I’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent

  20

  good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la. But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much canaries, and that’s a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say “What’s this?”

  25

  How do you now?

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Better than I was. Hem.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Why, that’s well said. A good heart’s worth gold.

  Lo, here comes Sir John.

  Enter FALSTAFF

  FALSTAFF

  (sings) When Arthur first in court—Empty the jordan. (sings)

  30

  And was a worthy king—How now, Mistress Doll?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

  FALSTAFF

  So is all her sect. An they be once in a calm, they are sick.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  A pox damn you, muddy rascal. Is that all the comfort you give me?

  FALSTAFF

  35

  You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not.

  FALSTAFF

  If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you.

  40

  Grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

  FALSTAFF

  Your broaches, pearls, and ouches—for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely, to venture

  45

  upon the charged chambers bravely—

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two never meet but you fall to some discord. You are both, i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts. You cannot one bear with

  50

  another’s confirmities. What the good-year! One must bear, and that must be you. You are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of Bourdeaux stuff in

  55

  him. You have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. — Come, I’ll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars, and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.

  Enter FIRST DRAWER

  FIRST DRAWER

  Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak with you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  60

  Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith, I must live among my neighbors. I’ll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There

  65

  comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

  FALSTAFF

  Dost thou hear, hostess?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Pray you pacify yourself, Sir John. There comes no swaggerers here.

  FALSTAFF

  70

  Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Tilly-vally, Sir John, ne’er tell me. And your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty t’ other day, and, as he said to me—’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i’ good faith—“Neighbour

  75

  Quickly,” says he—Master Dumb, our minister, was by then—“Neighbour Quickly,” says he, “receive those that are civil, for,” said he, “you are in an ill name.” Now he said so, I can tell whereupon. “For,” says he, “you are an honest woman, and well thought on.

  80

  Therefore take heed what guests you receive. Receive,” says he, “no swaggering companions.” There comes none here. You would bless you to hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers.

  FALSTAFF

  He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater, i’ faith. You may

  85

  stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.—Call him up, drawer.

  Exit FIRST DRAWER

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  “Cheater,” call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love swaggering. By my

  90

  troth, I am the worse when one says “swagger.” Feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET

  So you do, hostess.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.

  Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and the PAGE

  PISTOL

  95

  God save you, Sir John.

  FALSTAFF

  Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack. Do you discharge upon mine hostess.

  PISTOL

  I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

  FALSTAFF

  She is pistol-proof. Sir, you shall not hardly offend her.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY

  100

  Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I’ll drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s pleasure, I.