Do you want Doll Tearsheet to meet you at dinner?

  FALSTAFF

  No more talking. Let’s have her.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY, BARDOLPH, the PAGE, FANG, and SNARE exit.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  I’ve heard better news.

  FALSTAFF

  What’s the news, my lord?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Where did the King spend last night?

  GOWER

  At Basingstoke, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  I hope everything’s okay, sir. What’s the news?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  And his armies have come back?

  GOWER

  No. Fifteen hundred infantrymen and five hundred horsemen are marching to meet Lord Lancaster, to fight against Northumberland and the Archbishop.

  FALSTAFF

  Is the King back from Wales, my noble lord?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  I’ll give you some letters shortly. Come with me, Master Gower.

  FALSTAFF

  Sir!

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What’s the matter?

  FALSTAFF

  Master Gower, would you like to join me for lunch?

  GOWER

  I have to attend to this noble man right here. But thank you, Sir John.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  Sir John, you’ve been loitering here too long. You have to recruit soldiers in the counties you pass through on your way north.

  FALSTAFF

  Will you join me for supper, then, Master Gower?

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  What foolish teacher taught you these manners, Sir John?

  FALSTAFF

  Master Gower, if my manners are inappropriate, I must have indeed been taught by a fool. That’s how the game is played—tit for tat, and game over.

  CHIEF JUSTICE

  God help you! You are a great fool.

  They exit.

  ACT 2, SCENE 2

  Original Text

  Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS

  PRINCE HENRY

  Before God, I am exceeding weary.

  POINS

  Is ’t come to that? I had thought weariness durst not have attached one of so high blood.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Faith, it does me; though it discolors the complexion of my

  5

  greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me to desire small beer?

  POINS

  Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied as to remember so weak a composition.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Belike then my appetite was not princely got, for, by my

  10

  troth, I do now remember the poor creature small beer. But indeed these humble considerations make me out of love with my greatness. What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name, or to know thy face tomorrow, or to take note how many pair of silk stockings thou hast—with these, and

  15

  those that were thy peach-colored ones—or to bear the inventory of thy shirts, as, one for superfluity and another for use. But that the tennis-court keeper knows better than I, for it is a low ebb of linen with thee when thou keepest not racket there, as thou hast not done a great while, because the

  20

  rest of the low countries have made a shift to eat up thy holland; and God knows whether those that bawl out the ruins of thy linen shall inherit His kingdom; but the midwives say the children are not in the fault, whereupon the world increases and kindreds are mightily

  25

  strengthened.

  POINS

  How ill it follows, after you have labored so hard, you should talk so idly! Tell me, how many good young princes would do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?

  POINS

  30

  Yes, faith, and let it be an excellent good thing.

  PRINCE HENRY

  It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding than thine.

  POINS

  Go to. I stand the push of your one thing that you will tell.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Marry, I tell thee it is not meet that I should be sad, now my father is sick—albeit I could tell thee, as to one it pleases me,

  35

  for fault of a better, to call my friend, I could be sad, and sad indeed too.

  POINS

  Very hardly, upon such a subject.

  PRINCE HENRY

  By this hand, thou thinkest me as far in the devil’s book as thou and Falstaff for obduracy and persistency. Let the end

  40

  try the man. But I tell thee, my heart bleeds inwardly that my father is so sick: and keeping such vile company as thou art hath in reason taken from me all ostentation of sorrow.

  POINS

  The reason?

  PRINCE HENRY

  What wouldst thou think of me if I should weep?

  POINS

  45

  I would think thee a most princely hypocrite.

  PRINCE HENRY

  It would be every man’s thought, and thou art a blessed fellow to think as every man thinks. Never a man’s thought in the world keeps the roadway better than thine. Every man would think me an hypocrite indeed. And what accites

  50

  your most worshipful thought to think so?

  POINS

  Why, because you have been so lewd and so much engraffed to Falstaff.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And to thee.

  POINS

  By this light, I am well spoke on. I can hear it with my own

  55

  ears. The worst that they can say of me is that I am a second brother, and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and those two things, I confess, I cannot help. By the Mass, here comes Bardolph.

  Enter BARDOLPH and the PAGE

  PRINCE HENRY

  And the boy that I gave Falstaff. He had him from me

  60

  Christian, and look if the fat villain have not transformed him ape.

  BARDOLPH

  God save your Grace.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And yours, most noble Bardolph.

  POINS

  (to BARDOLPH) Come, you virtuous ass, you bashful fool,

  65

  must you be blushing? Wherefore blush you now? What a maidenly man-at-arms are you become! Is ’t such a matter to get a pottle-pot’s maidenhead?

  PAGE

  He calls me e’en now, my lord, through a red lattice, and I could discern no part of his face from the window. At last I

  70

  spied his eyes, and methought he had made two holes in the ale-wife’s new petticoat and so peeped through.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Has not the boy profited?

  BARDOLPH

  Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away!

  PAGE

  Away, you rascally Althea’s dream, away!

  PRINCE HENRY

  75

  Instruct us, boy. What dream, boy?

  PAGE

  Marry, my lord, Althea dreamt she was delivered of a firebrand, and therefore I call him her dream.

  PRINCE HENRY

  A crown’s worth of good interpretation. There ’tis, boy.

  POINS

  O, that this good blossom could be kept from cankers! Well,

  80

  there is sixpence to preserve thee.

  BARDOLPH

  An you do not make him hanged among you, the gallows shall have wrong.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And how doth thy master, Bardolph?

  BARDOLPH

  Well, my good lord. He heard of your Grace’s coming to

  85

  town. There’s a letter for you.

  POINS

  Delivered with good respect. And how doth the Martlemas your master?

  BARDOLPH

  In bodily health, sir.

  POINS

  Marry, the immortal part needs a physician, but that moves

  90

  not him. Though that be sick, it dies not.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (reads to himself) I do allow this wen to be as familiar with me as my dog, and he holds his place, for look you how be writes. (he hands the letter to POINS)

  POINS

  (reads) John Falstaff, knight. Every man must know that as

  95

  oft as he has occasion to name himself, even like those that are kin to the King, for they never prick their finger but they say, “There’s some of the King’s blood spilt.” “How comes that?” says he that takes upon him not to conceive. The answer is as ready as a borrower’s cap: “I am the King’s poor

  100

  cousin, sir.”

  PRINCE HENRY

  Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch it from Japheth. But to the letter. (takes the letter and reads) Sir John Falstaff, knight, to the son of the King nearest his father, Harry Prince of Wales, greeting.

  POINS

  105

  Why, this is a certificate.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Peace! (reads) I will imitate the honorable Romans in brevity.

  POINS

  He sure means brevity in breath, short-winded.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (reads) I commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I leave thee. Be not too familiar with Poins, for he misuses thy favors

  110

  so much that he swears thou art to marry his sister Nell. Repent at idle times as thou mayest, and so, farewell. Thine by yea and no, which is as much as to say, as thou usest him, Jack Falstaff with my familiars, John with my brothers and sisters, and Sir John with all Europe.

  POINS

  115

  My lord, I’ll steep this letter in sack and make him eat it.

  PRINCE HENRY

  That’s to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you use me thus, Ned? Must I marry your sister?

  POINS

  God send the wench no worse fortune! But I never said so.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, thus we play the fools with the time, and the spirits of

  120

  the wise sit in the clouds and mock us. (to BARDOLPH) Is your master here in London?

  BARDOLPH

  Yea, my lord.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Where sups he? Doth the old boar feed in the old frank?

  BARDOLPH

  At the old place, my lord, in Eastcheap.

  PRINCE HENRY

  125

  What company?

  PAGE

  Ephesians, my lord, of the old church.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Sup any women with him?

  PAGE

  None, my lord, but old Mistress Quickly and Mistress Doll Tearsheet.

  PRINCE HENRY

  130

  What pagan may that be?

  PAGE

  A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kinswoman of my master’s.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Even such kin as the parish heifers are to the town bull.—

  Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper?

  POINS

  135

  I am your shadow, my lord. I’ll follow you.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Sirrah—you, boy—and Bardolph, no word to your master that I am yet come to town. (gives them money) There’s for your silence.

  BARDOLPH

  I have no tongue, sir.

  PAGE

  140

  And for mine, sir, I will govern it.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Fare you well. Go.

  Exeunt BARDOLPH and PAGE

  This Doll Tearsheet should be some road.

  POINS

  I warrant you, as common as the way between Saint Alban’s and London.

  PRINCE HENRY

  145

  How might we see Falstaff bestow himself tonight in his true colors, and not ourselves be seen?

  POINS

  Put on two leathern jerkins and aprons, and wait upon him at his table as drawers.

  PRINCE HENRY

  From a god to a bull: a heavy decension. It was Jove’s case.

  150

  From a prince to a ’prentice: a low transformation that shall be mine, for in everything the purpose must weigh with the folly. Follow me, Ned.

  Exeunt

  ACT 2, SCENE 2

  Modern Text

  PRINCE HENRY and POINS enter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I swear to God, I’m exceedingly tired.

  POINS

  Really? I would have thought that weariness wouldn’t dare afflict someone as highly born as you.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Well, it afflicts me, although saying so dims my nobility somewhat. Does it make me seem coarse and common to say that I’d love a small beer?

  POINS

  A prince shouldn’t be vulgarly inclined toward things like small beer.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Then I suppose don’t have a prince’s appetite, because right now all I can think about is small beer. But it’s true: all these everyday considerations distance me from my own nobility. It’s disgraceful that I should be familiar with a man like you! To know your name, your face, and your wardrobe so intimately that I know that you have two pairs of stockings: the ones you’re wearing now, and those peach-colored ones. I even know how many shirts you have: one to wear, and one extra. But then, the keeper of the tennis courts knows your wardrobe better than I do, for when you’ve run out of clean shirts, you don’t show up to play. And you haven’t played in a while, because the whore houses have eaten all the rest of your money, which you’d otherwise use to buy more shirts. God only knows whether all the crying brats you’ve fathered will make it to heaven. But then, the midwives say that babies don’t bear the sins of the parents. That’s how the population increases, and families are strengthened.

  POINS

  It seems wrong, after all your hard work in battle, that you should be spending your time now in idle chatter. How many other princes would behave like this if their fathers were as sick as yours?

  PRINCE HENRY

  Can I tell you something, Poins?

  POINS

  Sure; and make sure it’s an excellent thing.

  PRINCE HENRY

  It’ll be fine, for people who aren’t any smarter than you are.

  POINS

  Go ahead. I’m can take whatever you have to say.

  PRINCE HENRY

  Here it is, then. It’s not seemly for me to be sad over my father’s illness. But I could tell you—as a person who, for lack of anyone else, I’m pleased to call my friend—that I could be sad. I could be very sad, indeed.

  POINS

  It would be difficult to feel that way over a thing like this.

  PRINCE HENRY

  I swear, you must think that I’m as sinful as you and Falstaff are, and as stubborn and persistent. We’ll see about that. But I’m telling you: my heart is bleeding for my father, and for his illness. But because I’m hanging out with lowlifes like you, I can’t show how sorrowful I am.

  POINS

  Why?

  PRINCE HENRY

  What would you think of me if I started crying?

  POINS

  I would think you’re a royal hypocrite.

  PRINCE HENRY

  That’s what everyone would be thinking. And what’s great about you is that you think just the way everyone else does: nobody sticks to popular opinion quite as well as you. Everyone would think I was a hypocrite, indeed. And, your honor, what makes you think that?

  POINS

  Because you’ve behaved so badly, and because you’re so attached to Falstaff.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And to you.

  POINS

  Honestly, people think highly of me; I hear their praises with my own ears. The worst thing they can say about me is that, as a younger brother, I’ve had no inheritance from my family, and that I’m a good fighter. And I can’t help either of those things. By God, here comes Bardolph.

  BARDOLPH and the PAGE enter.

  PRINCE HENRY

  And the boy who I sent to work for Falstaff. He was a normal boy when I sent him, and now look: the fat bastard’s turned him into an ape.

  BARDOLPH

  God save your grace!

  PRINCE HENRY

  And yours, most noble Bardolph!

  POINS

  (to BARDOLPH) Come on, you principled ass, you timid fool! Why are you blushing? What a womanly solider you are! Is it that big a deal to deflower a two-quart tankard of ale?

  PAGE

  Just now he called to me from behind a red window shade, and I couldn’t tell his face from the curtain! Finally I saw his eyes, and I thought he’d made two holes in a whore’s skirt and peeped through them!

  PRINCE HENRY

  This kid’s learned a lot from Falstaff, hasn’t he?

  BARDOLPH

  Get out of here, you little rabbit! Get out!

  PAGE

  You get out, you rotten Althea’s dream!

  PRINCE HENRY

  What dream, boy? Tell us.

  PAGE

  Sir, Althea dreamed she gave birth to a red-hot iron. That’s why I call him her dream; he’s all red in the face.

  PRINCE HENRY

  That joke’s worth a crown! Here you go, boy.

  POINS

  I wish this wholesome little flower could be kept away from disease. Well, here’s a sixpence for you.

  BARDOLPH

  If between the three of you this boy doesn’t end up hanged, the gallows will be cheated.

  PRINCE HENRY

  How’s your master Falstaff doing, Bardolph?

  BARDOLPH

  Fine, sir. He heard you were coming to town. Here’s a letter for you.

  POINS

  Delivered very respectfully. How is that fattened calf, your boss?

  BARDOLPH

  His body’s healthy, sir.

  POINS

  That’s right, it’s just his immortal soul that needs a doctor. But he doesn’t care. His soul may be sick, but it won’t die.

  PRINCE HENRY

  (reads to himself) I allow this wart to be as familiar with me as my dog, and he holds onto his privileged position. Listen to how he writes. (he hands the letter to POINS)

  POINS

  (reads) “John Falstaff, knight”—he always throws that title around, every chance he gets. It’s like people who are related to the King: every time they get a tiny cut, they say, “Some of the King’s blood has been spilled.” Then someone pretends not to get it, and asks, “How do you mean?” The answer comes faster than a beggar can whip out his cap: “I’m the King’s poor relative.”