SILENCE

  This Sir John, cousin, that comes hither anon about

  25

  soldiers?

  SHALLOW

  The same Sir John, the very same. I see him break Scoggin’s head at the court gate, when he was a crack not thus high; and the very same day did I fight with one Sampson Stockfish, a fruiterer, behind Grey’s Inn. Jesu, Jesu, the

  30

  mad days that I have spent! And to see how many of my old acquaintance are dead.

  SILENCE

  We shall all follow, cousin.

  SHADOW

  Certain, ’tis certain; very sure, very sure. Death, as the Psalmist saith, is certain to all. All shall die. How a good

  35

  yoke of bullocks at Stamford Fair?

  SILENCE

  By my troth, cousin, I was not there.

  SHALLOW

  Death is certain. Is old Dooble of your town living yet?

  SILENCE

  Dead, sir.

  SHALLOW

  Jesu, Jesu, dead! He drew a good bow, and dead? He shot a

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  fine shoot. John o’ Gaunt loved him well, and betted much money on his head. Dead! He would have clapped i’ th’ clout at twelve score, and carried you a forehand shaft a fourteen and fourteen and a half, that it would have done a man’s heart good to see. How a score of ewes now?

  SILENCE

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  Thereafter as they be, a score of good ewes may be worth ten pounds.

  SHALLOW

  And is old Dooble dead?

  SILENCE

  Here come two of Sir John Falstaff’s men, as I think.

  Enter BARDOLPH and one with him

  SHALLOW

  Good morrow, honest gentlemen.

  BARDOLPH

  50

  I beseech you, which is Justice Shallow?

  SHALLOW

  I am Robert Shallow, sir, a poor esquire of this county and one of the King’s justices of the peace. What is your good pleasure with me?

  BARDOLPH

  My captain, sir, commends him to you, my captain, Sir

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  John Falstaff, a tall gentleman, by heaven, and a most gallant leader.

  SHALLOW

  He greets me well, sir. I knew him a good backsword man. How doth the good knight? May I ask how my lady his wife doth?

  BARDOLPH

  60

  Sir, pardon. A soldier is better accommodated than with a wife.

  SHALLOW

  It is well said, in faith, sir, and it is well said indeed too. “Better accommodated.” It is good, yea, indeed, is it. Good phrases are surely, and ever were, very commendable.

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  “Accommodated.” It comes of accommodo. Very good, a good phrase.

  BARDOLPH

  Pardon, sir; I have heard the word—“phrase” call you it? By this day, I know not the phrase, but I will maintain the word with my sword to be a soldierlike word, and a word of

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  exceeding good command, by heaven. “Accommodated,” that is when a man is, as they say, accommodated, or when a man is being whereby he may be thought to be accommodated, which is an excellent thing.

  Enter FALSTAFF

  SHALLOW

  It is very just. Look, here comes good Sir John.—Give me

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  your good hand, give me your Worship’s good hand. By my troth, you like well and bear your years very well. Welcome, good Sir John.

  FALSTAFF

  I am glad to see you well, good Master Robert Shallow.—Master Sure-card, as I think?

  SHALLOW

  80

  No, Sir John. It is my cousin Silence, in commission with me.

  FALSTAFF

  Good Master Silence, it well befits you should be of the peace.

  SILENCE

  Your good Worship is welcome.

  FALSTAFF

  Fie, this is hot weather, gentlemen. Have you provided me

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  here half a dozen sufficient men?

  SHALLOW

  Marry, have we, sir. Will you sit?

  FALSTAFF

  Let me see them, I beseech you.

  SHALLOW

  Where’s the roll? Where’s the roll? Where’s the roll? Let me see, let me see, let me see. So, so, so, so, so. So, so. Yea,

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  marry, sir.—Rafe Mouldy!—Let them appear as I call, let them do so, let them do so. Let me see, where is Mouldy?

  MOULDY

  Here, an it please you.

  SHALLOW

  What think you, Sir John? A good-limbed fellow; young, strong, and of good friends.

  FALSTAFF

  95

  Is thy name Mouldy?

  MOULDY

  Yea, an ’t please you.

  FALSTAFF

  ’Tis the more time thou wert used.

  SHALLOW

  Ha, ha, ha, most excellent, i’ faith! Things that are mouldy lack use. Very singular good, in faith. Well said, Sir John,

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  very well said.

  FALSTAFF

  Prick him.

  MOULDY

  I was pricked well enough before, an you could have let me alone. My old dame will be undone now for one to do her husbandry and her drudgery. You need not to have pricked

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  me. There are other men fitter to go out than I.

  FALSTAFF

  Go to. Peace, Mouldy. You shall go. Mouldy, it is time you were spent.

  MOULDY

  Spent?

  SHALLOW

  Peace, fellow, peace. Stand aside. Know you where you

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  are?—For th’ other, Sir John. Let me see.—Simon Shadow!

  FALSTAFF

  Yea, marry, let me have him to sit under. He’s like to be a cold soldier.

  SHALLOW

  Where’s Shadow?

  SHADOW

  Here, sir.

  FALSTAFF

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  Shadow, whose son art thou?

  SHADOW

  My mother’s son, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  Thy mother’s son! Like enough, and thy father’s shadow. So the son of the female is the shadow of the male. It is often so, indeed, but much of the father’s substance.

  SHALLOW

  120

  Do you like him, Sir John?

  FALSTAFF

  Shadow will serve for summer. Prick him, for we have a number of shadows to fill up the muster book.

  SHALLOW

  Thomas Wart!

  FALSTAFF

  Where’s he?

  WART

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  Here, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  Is thy name Wart?

  WART

  Yea, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  Thou art a very ragged wart.

  SHALLOW

  Shall I prick him down, Sir John?

  FALSTAFF

  130

  It were superfluous, for his apparel is built upon his back, and the whole frame stands upon pins. Prick him no more.

  SHALLOW

  Ha, ha, ha. You can do it, sir, you can do it. I commend you well.—Francis Feeble!

  FEEBLE

  Here, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  135

  What trade art thou, Feeble?

  FEEBLE

  A woman’s tailor, sir.

  SHALLOW

  Shall I prick him, sir?

  FALSTAFF

  You may, but if he had been a man’s tailor, he’d ha’ pricked you.—Wilt thou make as many holes in an enemy’s battle

  140

  as thou hast done in a woman’s petticoat?

  FEEBLE

  I will do my good will, sir. You can have no more.

  FALSTAFF

  Well said, good woman’s tailor, well said, courageous Feeble. Thou wilt be as valiant as the wrathful dove or most magnanimous mouse.—Prick the woman’s tailor well,

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  Master Shallow, deep, Master Shallow.

  FEEBLE

  I would Wart might have gone, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  I would thou wert a man’s tailor, that thou mightst mend him and make him fit to go. I cannot put him to a private soldier that is the leader of so many thousands. Let that

  150

  suffice, most forcible Feeble.

  FEEBLE

  It shall suffice, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  I am bound to thee, reverend Feeble.—Who is next?

  SHALLOW

  Peter Bullcalf o’ th’ green.

  FALSTAFF

  Yea, marry, let’s see Bullcalf.

  BULLCALF

  155

  Here, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  Fore God, a likely fellow. Come, prick me Bullcalf till he roar again.

  BULLCALF

  O Lord, good my lord captain—

  FALSTAFF

  What, dost thou roar before thou art pricked?

  BULLCALF

  160

  O Lord, sir, I am a diseased man.

  FALSTAFF

  What disease hast thou?

  BULLCALF

  A whoreson cold, sir, a cough, sir, which I caught with ringing in the King’s affairs upon his coronation day, sir.

  FALSTAFF

  Come, thou shalt go to the wars in a gown. We will have

  165

  away thy cold, and I will take such order that my friends shall ring for thee.— (to SHALLOW) Is here all?

  SHALLOW

  Here is two more called than your number. You must have but four here, sir, and so I pray you go in with me to dinner.

  FALSTAFF

  Come, I will go drink with you, but I cannot tarry dinner.

  170

  I am glad to see you, by my troth, Master Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  O, Sir John, do you remember since we lay all night in the windmill in Saint George’s Field?

  FALSTAFF

  No more of that, good Master Shallow, no more of that.

  SHALLOW

  Ha, ’twas a merry night. And is Jane Nightwork alive?

  FALSTAFF

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  She lives, Master Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  She never could away with me.

  FALSTAFF

  Never, never; she would always say she could not abide Master Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  By the Mass, I could anger her to th’ heart. She was then a

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  bona roba. Doth she hold her own well?

  FALSTAFF

  Old, old, Master Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  Nay, she must be old. She cannot choose but be old. Certain, she’s old, and had Robin Nightwork by old Nightwork before I came to Clement’s Inn.

  SILENCE

  185

  That’s fifty-five year ago.

  SHALLOW

  Ha, cousin Silence, that thou hadst seen that that this knight and I have seen!—Ha, Sir John, said I well?

  FALSTAFF

  We have heard the chimes at midnight, Master Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  That we have, that we have, that we have. In faith, Sir John,

  190

  we have. Our watchword was “Hem, boys.” Come, let’s to dinner; come, let’s to dinner. Jesus, the days that we have seen! Come, come.

  Exeunt FALSTAFF, SHALLOW, and SILENCE

  BULLCALF

  Good Master Corporate Bardolph, stand my friend, and here’s four Harry ten-shillings in French crowns for you.

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  In very truth, sir, I had as lief be hanged, sir, as go. And yet, for mine own part, sir, I do not care, but rather because I am unwilling, and, for mine own part, have a desire to stay with my friends. Else, sir, I did not care, for mine own part, so much.

  BARDOLPH

  200

  Go to. Stand aside.

  MOULDY

  And, good Master Corporal Captain, for my old dame’s sake, stand my friend. She has nobody to do anything about her when I am gone, and she is old and cannot help herself: You shall have forty, sir.

  BARDOLPH

  205

  Go to. Stand aside.

  FEEBLE

  By my troth, I care not. A man can die but once. We owe God a death. I’ll ne’er bear a base mind. An ’t be my destiny, so; an ’t be not, so. No man’s too good to serve ’s prince, and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year

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  is quit for the next.

  BARDOLPH

  Well said. Th’ art a good fellow.

  FEEBLE

  Faith, I’ll bear no base mind.

  Enter FALSTAFF, SHALLOW, and SILENCE

  FALSTAFF

  Come, sir, which men shall I have?

  SHALLOW

  Four of which you please.

  BARDOLPH

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  Sir, a word with you. (aside to FALSTAFF) I have three pound to free Mouldy and Bullcalf.

  FALSTAFF

  Go to, well.

  SHALLOW

  Come, Sir John, which four will you have?

  FALSTAFF

  Do you choose for me.

  SHALLOW

  220

  Marry, then, Mouldy, Bullcalf, Feeble, and Shadow.

  FALSTAFF

  Mouldy and Bullcalf! For you, Mouldy, stay at home till you are past service.—And for your part, Bullcalf, grow till you come unto it. I will none of you.

  Exeunt MOULDY and BULLCALF

  SHALLOW

  Sir John, Sir John, do not yourself wrong. They are your

  225

  likeliest men, and I would have you served with the best.

  FALSTAFF

  Will you tell me, Master Shallow, how to choose a man? Care I for the limb, the thews, the stature, bulk, and big assemblance of a man? Give me the spirit, Master Shallow. Here’s Wart. You see what a ragged appearance it is. He

  230

  shall charge you and discharge you with the motion of a pewterer’s hammer, come off and on swifter than he that gibbets on the brewer’s bucket. And this same half-faced fellow, Shadow, give me this man. He presents no mark to the enemy. The foeman may with as great aim level at the

  235

  edge of a penknife. And for a retreat, how swiftly will this Feeble the woman’s tailor, run off! O, give me the spare men, and spare me the great ones.—Put me a caliver into Wart’s hand, Bardolph.

  BARDOLPH

  Hold, Wart. Traverse. Thas, thas, thas.

  FALSTAFF

  240

  Come, manage me your caliver: so, very well, go to, very good, exceeding good. O, give me always a little, lean, old, chopped, bald shot. Well said, i’ faith, Wart. Th’ art a good scab. Hold, there’s a tester for thee.

  SHALLOW

  He is not his craft’s master. He doth not do it right. I

  245

  remember at Mile End Green, when I lay at Clement’s Inn—I was then Sir Dagonet in Arthur’s show—there was a little quiver fellow, and he would manage you his piece thus. And he would about and about, and come you in, and come you in. “Rah, tah, tah,” would he say. “Bounce,”

  250

  would he say, and away again would he go, and again would he come. I shall ne’er see such a fellow.

  FALSTAFF

  These fellows will do well, Master Shallow.—God keep you, Master Silence. I will not use many words with you. Fare you well, gentlemen both. I thank you. I must a dozen

  255

  mile to-night.—Bardolph, give the soldiers coats.

  SHALLOW

  Sir John, the Lord bless you. God prosper your affairs. God send us peace. At your return, visit our house. Let our old acquaintance be renewed. Peradventure I will with you to the court.

  FALSTAFF

  260

  Fore God, would you would, Master Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  Go to. I have spoke at a word. God keep you.

  FALSTAFF

  Fare you well, gentle gentlemen.

  Exeunt SHALLOW and SILENCE

  On, Bardolph. Lead the men away.

  Exeunt BARDOLPH and the recruits

  As I return, I will fetch off these justices. I do see the bottom

  265

  of Justice Shallow. Lord, Lord, how subject we old men are to this vice of lying. This same starved justice hath done nothing but prate to me of the wildness of his youth and the feats he hath done about Turnbull Street, and every third word a lie, duer paid to the hearer than the Turk’s tribute.

  270

  I do remember him at Clement’s Inn, like a man made after supper of a cheese paring. When he was naked, he was, for all the world, like a forked radish with a head fantastically carved upon it with a knife. He was so forlorn that his dimensions to any thick sight were invincible. He was the

  275

  very genius of famine, yet lecherous as a monkey, and the whores called him “mandrake.” He came ever in the rearward of the fashion, and sung those tunes to the overscutched huswives that he heard the carmen whistle, and swore they were his fancies or his good-nights.

  280

  And now is this Vice’s dagger become a squire, and talks as familiarly of John o’ Gaunt as if he had been sworn brother to him, and I’ll be sworn he ne’er saw him but once in the tilt-yard, and then he burst his head for crowding among the Marshal’s men. I saw it and told John o’ Gaunt he beat

  285

  his own name, for you might have thrust him and all his apparel into an eel-skin; the case of a treble hautboy was a mansion for him, a court. And now has he land and beefs. Well, I’ll be acquainted with him, if I return, and ’t shall go hard but I’ll make him a philosopher’s two stones to me. If

  290

  the young dace be a bait for the old pike, I see no reason in the law of nature but I may snap at him. Let time shape, and there an end.

  Exit

  ACT 3, SCENE 2

  Modern Text

  Justice SHALLOW and Justice SILENCE enter. They are followed by MOULDY, SHADOW, WART, FEEBLE, BULLCALF, and a servant or two.

  SHALLOW

  Come on, come on, come on, sir. Shake my hand, sir, shake my hand. You’re an early riser, I swear. How are you, cousin Silence?

  SILENCE

  Good morning, cousin Shallow.

  SHALLOW

  And how’s my cousin, your wife? And your prettiest daughter, my fair god-daughter Ellen?

  SILENCE

  I’m afraid she’s got dark hair, cousin Shallow!

  SHALLOW

  By gum, I bet William’s become a real scholar. He’s still at Oxford, right?