I wasn’t ready to let Jax in all the way. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to tell another man about what happened to me. My sister’s tragedy is one thing, but my sexual assault was another. In order to overcome I had to face my fears. What better way than to find someone who made me feel safe again? Jax gave me hope when I thought there wasn’t any left. That had to count for something.

  Chapter 15

  Jax

  Could’ve.

  Should’ve.

  Would’ve.

  That was how my ride back to the ranch felt. Doing the right thing was supposed to feel rewarding, but for me it lacked sparkle.

  Upon arriving home, I was met by my brother in the yard. His arms were crossed and I’d seen his disappointed look a million times. “I came all this way to work things out, and you just leave without a single word.”

  I scratched my head and climbed out of the vehicle. Immediately his demeanor changed when he set eyes on my shorts. “What the fuck are those?”

  “Don’t knock them until you try them. I’m telling ya, they fit my balls like a damn glove. I may never take them off.”

  “I wouldn’t wear those if they were the last article of clothing on the planet. You look ridiculous.”

  “Well I feel amazing. I spent the night with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. We watched movies and stuffed ourselves with greasy food. Dude, I’m in serious trouble with this one.”

  He flipped his arms in the air. “Oh great. You left me to get laid.”

  I put up my finger to halt him. “Actually, we didn’t have sex. In fact, we never kissed. That’s what’s so crazy about it. I had an amazing time without having sex.”

  “She must have shut you down. Chris told me Amber was weird about dating.”

  I walked past my brother and entered the trailer, hoping he’d at least stay outside so I could have a minute to myself. The sound of his feet let me know he was only a step behind. I turned around to address him. “Look, Jake. I appreciate that you’re trying, but this ain’t working. I have a life here, and I don’t want things to change. Go home and be with Reese. Live your life. Maybe eventually I’ll get over the grudge.”

  “I can’t believe you’re still salty over this. It’s been months. You’re the one who got us back together. I’m doing my best here. What more do you want from me, Jax? You’re my brother. I won’t give up.”

  “That’s the thing.” I placed my hand on his shoulder. “What I need is for you to give up. You may not want to, but that’s how it has to be, at least for now. Go home and tell mom and dad whatever you want, but I’m not coming home.”

  I hit a nerve, and to see him so distraught hurt me. I never saw our lives going in this direction. Jake was always the person I was sure would be in my life. Now, after all that happened, I couldn’t look at him without anger.

  “I don’t know what to say,” he choked to get out. “I mean, I wish I could say that it never happened. I wish there was some way to go back and do it all differently.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done, bro. We need this time apart. I need it, because I know if I went home right now I’d hate you more.”

  Jake nodded, but refused to look up at me. I knew he was hurt, because I felt the same exact way. Our bond, which should have stood the test of time, was severed, and I couldn’t seem to grasp how it could ever be mended back together. “I reckon I’ll go home in the morning then.”

  “I appreciate you coming out, Jake. I get why you did it. I just wish I could feel differently about everything.”

  When I walked back to my room I sunk down on the floor and covered my face with my hands. I felt heartless; like I was evil for not being able to see past this rift between us. Jake would never know how much I wished I could walk into the living room and drink a couple brews with him. Had things gone differently, I would have already packed my things and been riding shotgun on the way back to North Carolina. Everything had changed, in the blink of an eye. My ambitions were damaged, and I was left trying to piece together where I belonged, and how the pain would finally stop ripping me to shreds.

  For a while I sat there, going through the motions in my head. I pictured Jake going home to Reese, and even though I knew he’d miss me, she’d make him happy. I wanted that for him. I’d sacrifice my life for my brother, and even though I had regrets, I’d stand by that decision. In all honesty they deserved each other. Reese was never an ideal match for me. After spending one night with Amber I could see that. Reese would have expected me to change. There had to be someone out there in the world that wanted me for the clown I was. I happened to like myself.

  The house was quiet for a while. After a shower, I finally turned on my now charged phone. A text message from an unknown number showed up. I opened it and realized right away who it was from.

  I had a lot of fun with you last night. Thanks for being so great. – A

  Right away my mood changed. She made me feel like a teenager with his first boner.

  I had fun too. Just wait until this weekend. – J

  We should talk before then. I’ll need to warn you about a few things. – A

  Is there a boyfriend waiting at home? – J

  No – A

  A girlfriend? – J

  I snickered at the thought of that.

  Then I got a hair up my ass and decided to call her. My mood had shifted the second I thought of her.

  It rang one time and then the most beautiful voice picked up. “You didn’t have to call.” I could tell she was crying.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m okay,” she sniffled. “It’s just life stuff.”

  “Like your period?”

  “No,” she sort of laughed. “Not that.”

  “I’m a good listener.” I didn’t really know if that was true, but I’d give it a try.

  “That’s just it, Jax. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it. I want to. I just…I don’t think I can.”

  Her sadness made me want to drive over there and pull her into my arms. I’d never felt so protective of someone before. “Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to tell me. We’re friends, right?”

  “I think so.” The uncertainty in her reply made me feel small and unappreciated.

  I took a deep breath and thought of what I could say to make her feel better. “Are you sad because I took your shorts home with me? I’ll be honest, I don’t think I want to give them back.”

  Her giggles were like an instant high. “You can keep them.”

  “Can friends miss each other?”

  “Why?” She was smiling. Her voice changed to a higher pitch.

  “I was just wondering if you missed me yet?”

  “My mom wants me to come home and help her pack up some of my old things, because they want to move. It’s not just my things though. It’s my sisters; the one that died.”

  “Oh shit. I can see how that would be hard.”

  “Jax,” she started bawling so hard that she couldn’t continue.

  “Please don’t cry. I hate hearing you so sad.”

  When she wouldn’t stop, I knew there was only one thing to do. I jumped off my bed, slipped two shoes on my feet, grabbed my keys and flew out the door. “Shh, try to calm down. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

  “No. Jax, you don’t have to come over. This is silly. I’ll calm down.”

  “I’m already in my car and I’m not turning around. We don’t have to talk about it.”

  “Okay,” her sadness beckoned me as if I was her only hope. I knew the superhero complex was probably all in my head, but I yearned to feel needed. Once I hung up to focus on driving, I drove as fast as possible to get to her house. I didn’t even realize what I was wearing, or lack there of, until I hopped out of the car. In a pair of shorts, no shirt, and two fucking different shoes, I skipped steps to reach her apartment.

  My knuckles hit the metal door twice before it opened. Her puffy eyes were so discerning. I couldn’t resist taking her hand and pulling her into my arms. It felt right, and when she didn’t fight me I only held her tighter. While closing the door with my foot, I felt her arms coming up behind me. Even though I could tell she was glad I’d come back, she still hadn’t let up with the tears. Her sobs made me feel horrible, because I honestly didn’t know what to do. I simply stood there, rubbing her back as some kind of reassurance that she didn’t have to go through it alone.

  After a little while she pulled away and wiped off her face. My naked chest was soaked and I had mascara marked where her face had been.

  Amber gave me a once over and smiled through her pain. “What are you wearing? Oh my God, Jax. Your shoes don’t even match.”

  “I was in a hurry. It broke my little black heart to hear you so upset.”

  “You’re crazy. I would have been okay. You don’t have a black heart, Jax. That’s a little dramatic.”

  I reached for her arm and caught her attention. It was obvious that she was distraught. She was shaking profusely and looked like she’d been crying since I left. “I didn’t just come here for you, Amber. Yeah, I rushed out when I heard how sad you are. It was obvious to me because I was experiencing the same bullshit tonight. I told Jake to leave. He agreed to go home without me. It damn near killed me to look him in the eyes and tell him I couldn’t let go. The way I see it, we need each other. I can stand here and say I’m tough, and that nothing bothers me, but to be perfectly honest, I’m fucking falling apart.”

  “I killed my sister,” she whispered.

  Then the room was silent. She bobbed her head up and down a couple times. “I know, I know it’s horrible, and maybe you’ll hate me too, but it’s true. I did it. I’m the reason she’s gone. I’ve relived that day over and over again, and it never gets easier. They’ll never stop blaming me for taking her away. It’s all my fault Jax, and now I have to go help my mother pack up her stuff and pretend that it’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” She shook her head. “I know you don’t need my drama, and I’ll understand if you don’t want to go with me this weekend, but I needed to tell you. I needed to tell someone. It’s eating me up inside. Even Christian doesn’t know about this. I know I’m rambling, and maybe you weren’t even prepared for what I just laid on you, and I’m sorry, but -.” I put my hand over her mouth. She had to slow down so I could comprehend what the fuck I was hearing. Could this be possible? Did she just say she killed her sibling? I had to have heard her wrong. This kind person couldn’t be capable of something so heinous. “I’m sorry, but could you repeat that?”

  Chapter 16

  Amber

  How could I have assumed that I’d be able to explain things easily? I’d held onto this burden for way too long. Even therapy couldn’t help me cope with sharing such a devastating circumstance. Jax looked to me for an explanation, and I suddenly wondered why I’d brought him, of all people, into my lost past.

  While sniffling, I looked up into his eyes; the eyes of a very confused man. He was holding my hands and I refused to pull away. I needed him, more than I’d needed anyone in a long time. I don’t think it was him, per se, but the idea that he showed up when I desperately needed someone.

  Don’t get me wrong. I liked Jax. He awakened a part of me that had been dormant. In some ways he was like a savior. I know how ridiculous that sounds, especially when he joked about everything. I hadn’t known him long, though our connection was undeniable.

  “Amber, did you hear me?”

  My head moved up and down. “Yes. I did.”

  “You don’t have to tell me. We can forget about it if you want.”

  “No. I need to tell you. I want you to know before we see my parents. I won’t let my mother force you to change your mind about me. She thinks I don’t deserve to be happy. She says that my negligence has prevented me from ever being allowed to enjoy my life.”

  “That’s terrible.” He squeezed my hands, reminding me that he was there, waiting patiently to figure this all out.

  I led him over to the sofa and we sat down together. Jax put his arm on the back of the couch. I pulled my legs up under my butt and focused. “Meg and I used to do everything together. We were nine months apart, both planned. Nothing my parents do is by accident. They strive to live by an organized schedule. First college, then marriage. Next they bought a home, and started a family.” I paused for a moment. “Meg was my very best friend. When we got into high school she would follow me around, mostly to hang out with my older classmates. When I got my license our parents bought me a car. Every weekend we’d go out with our friends. We didn’t get into trouble.” I smiled, thinking back to a time when we let the top down on the convertible, allowing our hair to blow in the crisp breeze. It wasn’t warm, but we didn’t care. “Anyway, one particular night we were meeting up with some of my friends at a nearby lake. I’d lied and told my parents that we were going to a church lockdown right down the road from where we lived. Instead we were supposed to be camping with these two guys we both really liked. Other people were going to be there, but you’ve been in high school. I obviously had a one-track mind when it came to a crush.”

  Jax smiled. “Yeah, I’ve been there plenty of times. There’s this old barn people have been going to for years.”

  “Halfway there my sister got on her phone and started taking pictures of us to post on her profile page. She was making funny faces and acting crazy with excitement about our night. The guy she was going there to meet was a senior. He was well known, and an all around good person. I was delighted for her, and a little apprehensive. Meg was a virgin, and she had made plans to rid herself from that title. When I missed my turn I thought I knew the area enough to pull out my phone and find a easier way to get there. I was plugging in the street address when we hit a sharp curve in the road. Meg didn’t see the truck until it was too late. Headlights were the last thing I remember. We didn’t even have time to scream. Everything went silent.” I began to bawl. It was impossible to be able to comprehend how hard it was to talk about the loss of my sister. “I woke up in the hospital three days later with no recollection of how I’d gotten there. I remember being all alone, wondering where my parents were, especially after a nurse told me how long I’d been sleeping. I asked for my mother before realizing that Meg was with me, and we’d been in an accident. I could tell from the look on that woman’s face that something terrible had happened to Meg. She refused to let her gaze fall on me. That’s when I knew my sister was gone. If I’d only been paying attention. If I’d listened to my parents. If we hadn’t snuck to go out to that lake.” My hands came over my face as I lost it in front of Jax. He was steady rubbing my shoulder, trying to be supportive.

  “Amber, it was an accident.”

  “No!” I shook my head, adamant to not let him sweet talk the event that took my sister’s life. “I wasn’t paying attention. I could have prevented it.”

  “You didn’t mean for it to happen, so that qualifies it as an accident.”

  “I can’t think that way. I took her life. If I weren’t her family my parents would have sued for manslaughter. That day, when they finally came to see me, the day I woke up, was the same day that my sister took her last breath. They had been keeping her on a ventilator, but after three nights they declared her brain dead. My father made the final decision, and I don’t think my mother ever forgave him. She knew Meg was gone, but was clinging to some kind of hope.”

  Jax pulled me up against his chest. I felt his strong arms keeping me in that position. His lips kissed my forehead while I sat there losing control. “Shh, she wouldn’t want you to live with this kind of guilt. Turn the situation around. What if Meg were driving. Would you want her to live a solitary life where she constantly tortured herself?”

  I shrugged but didn’t pull away from him. “I don’t know. The doctors said the same thing. I just don’t know. The fact is that she’s gone. It’s why I want to be a psychiatrist. I feel like if I can help people, maybe it will somehow help me pay for my terrible sins. I put myself in danger at my job, because I feel like I don’t deserve to be safe. I seclude myself from my family, because I can’t look at them without feeling like I ruined their lives. That’s why…” I stopped myself before I said too much. I couldn’t tell Jax about being sexually assaulted. I may have jumped a hurdle by finally opening up about Meg, but that door was closed. Thinking about Seth made me think of my baby that I lost. She was just another reminder of how I didn’t deserve to be happy. I would have named her after my sister, had she been born healthy. She would have given my parents hope again that our family could heal. Instead she was ripped from my womb before I was able to know her. It was a tragedy I recalled vividly.

  “Why what?”

  “Nothing.” I kept my head down against his chest. “It doesn’t matter. Now you know why my mother hates me. You know why I don’t want to go home alone.”

  “You don’t have to, Amber. I’m going with you. I’ll do my best to make you smile, even when you feel like you’re so far down you can’t get back up.”

  “I don’t even deserve your friendship,” I admitted.

  “Don’t say that. I’m an asshole. It’s me who doesn’t deserve a friend like you.”

  Did he not know how amazing he was? What other guy would come running just because they heard me upset? Women cry for ridiculous reasons all the time. Surely he’d heard it enough to know we were dramatic about things. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Thanks for trusting me. It means a lot. I don’t know the first thing about being friends with a woman. Usually that comes after the sex part, if it’s good enough to want more.”

  I giggled in between tears. “This is nice, though.”

  “Yeah, it’s nice to feel needed again.”

  I lingered in Jax’s arms for a while without saying anything. Eventually I closed my eyes, feeling safe and comfortable. The next thing I knew I was being carried into my bedroom. He laid me down on the mattress and covered me up, not noticing that I’d woken up. Just as he turned to leave the room I grabbed his hand. Jax twisted back, and faced me in the dim lit room. “You okay?”