After I’d made it through the entrance gates, and found my way down the long dirt lane, I pulled up in front of the large log home belonging to her parents. Facing her dad was going to be a challenge in itself.

  I looked in the rearview mirror at my reflection, trying to psych myself some courage. “You’ve got this, dude. Be honest with them.”

  When I climbed the porch steps and knocked, her mother answered the door. She smiled immediately, giving me a bit of reassurance. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Mitchell. I was hopin’ to see Christian if that’s alright.”

  She frowned. “It would be if she were here. Colt took her to pick up Addy. She was released today.”

  I smiled, even though I felt disappointed. “That’s great news. I’m sure it’ll be nice to have them all home.”

  “Why don’t you come inside? I haven’t seen you in a while, and could use the company.” I stepped inside as she continued to speak. “I’ve got some fresh tea made. Would you like some?”

  “Certainly. That would be great.”

  I followed her into the kitchen and sat down at the small table. She’d been busy cooking up a storm. There were pots of food on each burner, and the aroma was heavenly. “Here you go. I added some lemon, just like you always asked for.”

  I guess there was a time when I was a fixture at the ranch. It was nice having her remember little things. It made me feel as if she didn’t have a problem with my visit. “How’s she doin’, Christian, I mean. How is she?”

  “She’s improving every day. Sometimes it’s still pretty tough on her. She’s in therapy, and seems to be doing well with that. She misses you, Ethan, she doesn’t talk about it much, but I can tell.”

  Right away I felt that guilt-punch again. “Mrs. Mitchell, I-.”

  “Savanna. Mrs. Mitchell is my mother-in-law,” she corrected.

  I smiled and continued on. “I never should have stayed away. I know that. It’s just that I couldn’t be the person she wanted me to be. It was a dumb decision, brought on by years of regret. The truth is I’ve been a coward, hidin’ behind what could have happened, instead of lettin’ it play out. My goals got pushed to the side, leavin’ me to make bad choices, and to push the one person most important away.”

  She turned and leaned on the table, looking me right in the eyes. “Ethan, Colt and I have known you’ve been in love with our daughter for a very long time. If taking a break was what was needed for you to see that, then I’m glad you did it. It’s never too late to tell someone how you feel. Sure, you might not get the expected result, but you’ll feel better that they know. You can’t regret what you’ve never tried.”

  Her kind words were reassuring, right at a moment where I was questioning my intentions. “Yeah, it’s taken me a while to get my act together I suppose.”

  She got back to working at the stove as she continued to converse with me. “You should stay for dinner. We’ve got plenty of food.”

  “It seems like tonight’s a celebration for family. I don’t want to impose, ma’am.”

  “Ethan, you are family.”

  “I don’t know if Chris would see it that way, especially now.”

  “Nonsense. You’re staying. I insist.”

  I wasn’t going to argue with the woman about a meal I knew would blow me away. Her cooking skills were amazing. She could make liver and onions taste like filet mignon.

  We sat there for a time catching up on day to day life. After a while it felt like I hadn’t spent any time away from the family.

  It wasn’t until we heard the vehicle pull up out up front that I started to fret. This wasn’t like seeing her mom’s welcoming smile. It wasn’t like two star-crossed lovers finally finding each other after time apart. I’d walked away from her, abandoning her after I’d promised never to do such a thing. There was a good chance she was going to tell me to go to hell.

  I stood up as the front door opened, watching as Chris’ mother rushed over to welcome her family home. I stood there staring at the strength of one family, who’d been dealt several crappy hands all at once. Their union, and ability to strive together was what I longed to have someday with their daughter. Seeing her again was like looking out that old bus window on the first, autumn day of school and seeing her climbing aboard. Even towards the rear I could see those green eyes glistening. There had never been a time where I felt so drawn to someone before, and even in my adolescent state, I knew I had to know everything about her.

  It would have been nice to see her running into my arms, taking comfort in the fact that I was there for her. She was too caught in up her family to notice me at first, and I didn’t want to take away from their important reunion. After a few moments her father looked up and spotted me in the room. He cleared his throat before greeting me. “Ethan. Where you been hidin’ at, boy?”

  I shrugged, and put on a fake smile until my gaze met Chris’. “Hey.”

  “Hey yourself,” she replied. “What’re you doin’ here?”

  “I was in the neighborhood,” I teased.

  She took a few steps in my direction, never coming close enough for me to pull her into my arms, not that I would have been able to do that with her dad watching us. Something about that man terrified me, despite the fact that we were finally at eye level with each other.

  “Are you stayin’ for dinner?” He asked.

  “If it’s alright with Chris. I mean, your wife invited me already, but I wouldn’t want to make anyone upset by bein’ here.”

  He walked over and put his arm around me, dragging me into the kitchen with him. “Nonsense. This is a day of communion. We’d be glad to have you, ain’t that right, Christian?”

  I turned and noticed that she’d followed us into the room. Her arms were crossed in the front of her chest as she smiled. It wasn’t her happy smile, but more her putting on a nice face to appease her parent’s kind of gesture. I hated that.

  For a few minutes the family talked to Christian, pretty much leaving me there to sip on my fresh glass of sweet tea. I didn’t mind, since I’d missed being around. Every couple of seconds I’d catch Chris looking at me. I couldn’t tell if she was angry or curious. I’d always been so good at reading her, but something had changed, and it bothered me not to be able to put my finger on it.

  Since they wouldn’t notice me missing, I walked out on the porch to get some crisp fresh air. The fall leaves blanketed the ground in a hue of reds, browns, and oranges. It smelled like autumn as I stood there admiring the landscape. A horse neighed in the distance, just as the sound of the porch door creaking open behind me caught my attention. I didn’t have to turn to know it was her. Somehow I could feel her presence so close to me. With my hands on the railing I watched her come to stand beside me. She didn’t speak, but remained silent, as if she was waiting for me. “I missed you, Chris.”

  “You’ve got a terrible way of showin’ it. Did you think it was okay to ignore my calls; to ignore me?” When she turned to look at me her eyes were filled with tears. “I needed you, Ethan, and you weren’t around. Do you have any idea what it was like tryin’ so hard to heal without you?” She shoved me. “Do you?”

  My heart was being ripped to shreds and it was my own damn fault. I deserved this. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry? Are you kiddin’ me? After all this time you come and say you’re sorry. You didn’t just break my heart. You shattered it. When I thought I couldn’t get worse, you drug me down to a level I never knew existed. You were all I had, my last hope at someone I could trust. How dare you come here and think that apologizin’ would fix things. I can’t even look at you. You took my hope away, Ethan. I loved you, and you cast me aside as if I meant nothin’ at all.”

  “Chris, please.” I tried to reach out and touch her, but she batted me away for the second time.

  “Don’t touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again.”

  “You heard my sister.” Noah’s voice caught me off guard. I took a step back seeing him standing at the far end of the porch with his fiancée, Shalan.

  I threw my hands up. “I’m not goin’ to touch her, man.”

  “Did he hurt you, sis?” He asked.

  “Not physically.”

  Noah stepped closer. “I think you should go, Ethan. It’s obvious my sister’s in no mood for visitors.”

  Since I respected this family, I knew I couldn’t make a scene. I had to walk away, even if I was leaving my heart on that porch. Christian didn’t want me near her, and I was not able to handle it.

  Chapter 32

  Christian

  I’d gotten the shock of my life and handled it terribly. The look on his face was something I’d never forget. It was strange to see him so vulnerable. Had I not been so angry with him, things could have turned out differently.

  My parents said nothing when I headed back in the house, and I was pretty certain my brother knew I was a force to be reckoned with.

  During dinner I refused to speak, letting my sister get all the attention. She needed it more than I did. While I silently chewed my food, hoping to disguise my trembling lips, I listened to her telling her struggles to my family. Ignoring my situation wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I’d have to face my demons, no matter how painful they were for me. It was part of moving forward, part of learning how to love myself.

  After I helped clear the table and load the dishwasher, I retreated with everyone else to the living room. It felt nice to be together, but my thoughts weren’t on another happy moment to add to my list. They were focused on Ethan, and how I’d pushed him away for a second time.

  I hated myself.

  The anticipation of seeing him again had gotten the best of me. As much as I wanted to spend the evening reminiscing with everyone, I knew I wasn’t good company. That’s why I excused myself for a late night walk.

  There was only one place I’d head, and it wasn’t far away.

  The barn had always been a refuge for me, even when it wasn’t filled with horses. It was also where I’d lost my virginity. Since I’d pushed Ethan away, it was the one place I could feel close to him.

  In all honesty I just wanted to be alone so I could cry in peace. My hopes were that I’d become exhausted and fall asleep on a bed of hay like I used to when I was distraught and hiding from the world.

  It would have been nice if I were born immune to getting my feelings hurt, of being vulnerable. What was screwed up was that I’d forced Ethan out of my life, after jealousy had showed its ugly face. The severity of losing my friend hadn’t only stunted my recovery, but caused the pain to be so intense that I felt like I’d never heal.

  I was finally beginning to feel better.

  I was making progress with my doctor.

  Then he showed up.

  Now I was a wreck.

  The lantern I’d always used was still in the same place I’d left it the last time. It took me a second to get it lit and secured back on the hook. The loft was a cozy place. On many occasions I’d climb up and read a book from cover to cover. I’d bring stray kittens in and feed them, and sometimes I’d hide when my cousins came to visit. Of all the places on the ranch this was my own personal private spot.

  Just as I’d found a spot to sit down, I began to cry. My pent up anxiety from seeing Ethan had set me back. I knew I had to let it all out, so that in the morning I could figure out a way to get back on track.

  It wasn’t too long after that I heard footsteps beneath me. I stopped sniffling and peered over the ledge. There wasn’t anyone there that I could see, so I backed away and attempted to calm down, just in case someone was listening.

  I heard the footsteps again, this time confidant that there was someone else in the barn with me. That’s the moment when I looked down and saw who it was. He’d known where to look, and I honestly wasn’t surprised that he’d assumed that’s where I’d be. For a few seconds we just stared at one another. This was my opportunity to apologize for being insensitive. It was the time to admit that I’d overreacted; except, I couldn’t move. I had all of the words right there on my tongue, but they wouldn’t come out. Ethan walked over to the steps, but didn’t climb, not yet. “Did you think you could get rid me of me so easily?”

  I refused to stop looking at him, at his dark wavy hair, and those deeply sexy eyes. I’d missed every detail of his face, and the way it felt when his hands were laced with mine. In that moment I knew I wouldn’t let him go away, even if a friendship was all he’d ever offer. “Honestly, no. Somehow I knew you’d be back.”

  “I never left. I got halfway down that lane and pulled over. You see, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I know you think I abandoned you, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.”

  “You’ve been MIA for weeks. You’ve ignored my calls. If that’s not abandonin’ me, then I don’t know what is.”

  “It’s more complicated than that, Chris.”

  I hated that we were beginning to argue already. Here I’d thought I’d lost him again and I was right back to accusing him of things. If I wanted to make amends and have him in my life, one of us was going to have to give. “You’re right.” I was prepared to make that first move. “We both made mistakes. Maybe my life was a little too hard to keep up with. I know it was for me, so I can’t imagine how it felt to watch me goin’ through it.”

  “It wasn’t that. I can assure you. I’d never turn my back on you because of somethin’ terrible.”

  He lurched forward, putting his hand on the ladder leading up to where I stood. With each step he spoke one sentence. “I told you before that I had a secret.” Step. “It’s time I come clean.” Step. In all honesty I figured he’d gotten someone pregnant. I knew he’d had other partners, but expected him to always use precaution.

  Ethan was on that last step, staring directly into my eyes. My chest rising made it apparent that my breathing had increased. As much as I tried to contain my emotions, having him so close to me, in such a special place, left me vulnerable. “So what’s the secret? You’ve got me where you want me. I can’t run away. Spill.”

  He climbed up into the loft with me, backing me up against the far wooden-planked wall, never taking his gaze off of mine. The moment was intense, but all I could think about was feeling his embrace again. I longed for it, as if it were the lost piece of my recovery puzzle. “I think I’ve loved you since that first day you stepped on the school bus.”

  I shook my head. “What? What do you mean?”

  “I’m in love with you, Christian. I have been in love with you every single day for as long as I can remember. God knows I’ve had a shit way of showin’ it, but it’s the truth. I love you, and I get that I don’t deserve it, but I’d like a shot at makin’ this more than just a friendship.”

  I was frozen, completely unable to speak, more or less move an inch. Ethan brought his hand up to my face. I never pulled away from his touch. His warm palms sent a heat wave through my core.

  Hot tears fell from my cheeks as I continued staring hopelessly into his eyes. “All this time. I don’t understand.”

  “I thought that if I waited we’d have a better chance at a real future. I wanted to be certain that I’d never lose you.” He paused and looked away for a second, furrowing his brows and seeming conflicted. “What happened to you broke me, Chris. It tore me up. No matter how hard I tried I knew I’d never be able to take it away. Because of my stupidity you’ll be tormented forever. I don’t know how to live with that, babe. It breaks me.”

  “You love me.” I kept going back to that in my mind. I supposed I’d waited so long to hear it with meaning that it was messing with my ability to comprehend everything else.

  He touched my face again, taking one step closer in my direction. With only inches separating us I could feel the air as he exhaled. In that moment nothing else existed.

  There was no more pain.

  There was no time missed.

  There was no attack.

  It was as if I’d left my body and entered a new one; given a second chance at happiness. I want to feel this rush of invigorating euphoria. I needed to know what it felt like to let myself fall, without being afraid of what I could lose, because I’d already lost too much.

  This was my path to recovery.

  This was my eternal escape.

  This was my salvation; my reason for wanting to overcome my demons.

  Our lips brushed ever so gently and I closed my eyes, allowing myself to get lost without fear. His touch was familiar, and welcomed. My body trembled for all the right reasons, and as his fingers laced in both of mine I knew he’d never leave me again. I could feel his intent as if it were my own. We were in sync, riding a new wave, but this time together as one. This was the moment where I found my happy place. It was the moment where I knew I’d be able to let go of my past and slowly move forward with my future.

  This was everything to me.

  Our kiss was short lived. I had to hear it again; a million more times before it would begin to be too much. “Tell me again.”

  He pulled one hand up, rolling his thumb over my lips. “I love you, way more than a friend. I love you like I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I always have and I always will.”

  Chapter 33

  Ethan

  Her kiss sent pleasure throughout my bones. No longer did I have to hold back. She was mine, like she should have been all along. Realizing how fragile she still was, I went easy, backing away from our kiss after only a few moments. I brushed the hair back behind her ears, never taking my eyes off of hers. “I don’t want to get carried away.”