Sadly I’d still never be able to regret loving their sons. My time with them may have been over, but they’d never be far from my heart. I’d carry all of the good and bad moments with me forever, learning from my mistakes, and accepting what couldn’t be changed.

  I would have liked to thank Amber for being such a sweet person, but when I woke up the next morning she was already gone. I knew why. She was expected to go to breakfast with the family, while the guys headed out for their game. Even though I knew I shouldn’t have, I wanted to be there.

  I thought about calling Jake. Right before everything happened I’d agreed to be with him. I wondered if his fight with Jax and his family could have provoked his feelings to change for me. Something inside told me to leave it alone. I’d caused enough trauma. It was time to let go.

  Football games had never been an interest of mine. Only after I’d started dating the star quarterback was I introduced to the sport. I’d mended cuts, massaged sore muscles, and even dealt with all of the superstitions that Jax swore by.

  Sometimes they went without showers. Others refused to shave. Sometimes they’d wear the same socks without washing them. No matter what crazy idea they got in their heads, the whole team would abide, as if one of them not going along with it would lose them the game.

  As I entered into the large stadium, and found my seat, the environment felt different to me. I wasn’t the girl that was envied for dating the quarterback. I was just Reese Miller, a broken woman, who’d lost her way, and her heart.

  All of my life I’d wanted to help people. I’d strived to be true, and worthy; someone people could trust and count on. I hated the person reflected back in the mirror. I didn’t even know myself any longer.

  While people conversed around me I focused on the field, looking for the jersey numbers of the two men I was there to see. Jax was easy to spot. His number four was the lowest on the team. I studied the players, one by one, looking for Jake, but number sixty-nine wasn’t on the field. Fear hit me when I considered why that could be. My hands began to shake as the worry set in. Had Jax injured him so bad he couldn’t play? Had Jake refused to show up for the game? Was this all my fault too?

  Just as I was about to run around and search for their family, I saw him running out onto the field. After taking a few deep breaths to calm down, I focused on his movements, just to make sure he was okay. That’s when I first noticed how far they were apart. They’d always been side by side for every warm up. They’d joke around and smack asses, while their teammates egged them on. None of that was happening. The twins were clear across the field from each other, and I knew exactly why.

  After the National Anthem played, and the introductions were made, the players took the field. The time on the large play clock started to count down, and I was prepared for a nail biting, highly intense game.

  During the first quarter the opposing team scored once. Jax threw an interception, but it was recovered within the next play, and possession was returned to their team. Pass after pass I watch Jax throw to every player but his brother, who had scored the most touchdowns than any player in twenty years at our school.

  This was personal, and he was going to cost them the game.

  The second quarter was much like the first, although they were able to tie up the score. When time ran out I watched as the players headed to the locker rooms. I don’t know what made him gaze in my direction, but Jake looked up, and I knew he saw me sitting there all-alone, cheering them on. It was only a split second, but he stopped walking and just looked at me. So many emotions rushed over me, even after he’d disappeared underground.

  In the third quarter Jax threw Jake his first pass. He made it thirty yards before being taken down, and when he fell he didn’t get up. He rolled around on the field holding one of his legs. The medical team rushed to him, while the other players took a knee. Jax didn’t walk over to him, not at first. Just when I’d lost hope that he cared, he surprised me. He ran toward his brother, falling down at his side.

  Seeing that love was all I needed. It let me know that there was hope. They still loved each other, no matter what I’d done to them. They were brothers forever.

  I think the people next to me thought I was insane. I sat there silently crying to myself, especially when Jax helped Jake walk off the field. The crowd cheered, but I remained silent, thanking God for showing me a sign.

  Jake returned to the game in the fourth quarter. His leg was wrapped, and his limp let me know he was in pain. He caught a pass in the end zone and they took the lead, giving them the final points to win the game. As soon as the clock ran down I got up from my seat and exited the stadium. I’d seen everything I needed to be able to let go. They’d be okay without me in their life, and I’d have to be okay with that.

  Chapter 32

  Jake

  Jax didn’t speak to me on the way to the stadium. We didn’t get dressed at side-by-side lockers, and there certainly wasn’t the normal banter that existed at every game since we were kids.

  Everything had changed in an instant.

  Our teammates took one look at our banged up faces and knew something was going on. When we refused to be near one another they had their answer.

  I struggled to keep my focus during the game, not that it mattered. Jax didn’t throw one pass to me. I’d been open plenty of times, but he refused to even look in my direction.

  I knew it was his way of punishing me. Scouts were there, and with only one more year to play, doing well would make a huge difference during an NFL draft.

  At halftime I snapped. I was ready to go into that locker room and crush him. This was the game we’d waited our whole lives for. All of the years of hard work had led us here. I refused to let this moment fall apart because of our problem.

  Right before leaving the field I looked up into the stands and saw her sitting there. I’d know her face in any crowd. Reese hadn’t gone home. She’d stayed to support us, and I couldn’t help but feel happy even though I knew being with her was impossible.

  Entering the locker room, I had a different outlook. I wasn’t going to give up on my brother. He could be mad for the rest of his life, but I wouldn’t let him disown me. We needed each other.

  My teammates saw me approaching and moved out of the way. They didn’t want to get between us, especially not after seeing our faces. Jax turned around right as I shoved him into the locker. “Listen to me. This stops here. It’s not about her. This is our game. We’ve waited our whole lives for this opportunity. Put last night aside and let’s win this fucking game.”

  Jax shoved me off of him and threw up his arms. “Okay. I’ll play this game with you, but when it’s over nothing changes. We’re done, Jake. Do you hear me, man? We’re done!”

  His words echoed as we went back onto the field. I half expected him to ignore me for the remaining two quarters. All of a sudden a perfect pass came spinning to me, just like we’d practiced so many times before. I smacked my gloves together, jumped up and felt the leather gripping my hands. I took off down the field, swaying in and out of players trying to block me.

  I never saw him coming. I still don’t know the number of the player that took me down. All I can think of is the amount of pain that shot through my lower leg. I tried to be tough. I told myself I could stand up and play through it. Before I knew what was happening I had medics around me, poking and pressing on the affected area.

  I wondered if my parents were worried. I looked around for Jax but he wasn’t there. I was alone.

  I could feel the tears burning my eyes, so I kept my helmet on to keep anyone from seeing me. Sure, the pain was excruciating, but that wasn’t the reason I was crying. No pain was worse than the thought of not having my brother there.

  Just when I closed my eyes and gave up hope I heard someone duck down at my side. I turned and saw him take off his helmet. Our eyes met and he nodded before talking to me. “Where does it hurt, Jake?”

  “It’s my leg. I tore something man. I can feel it.”

  “You’re going to be okay, bro. Just hang in there.”

  I reached over and touched my brother’s hand. “Jax, just win the fucking game.”

  We were far from making amends, but he couldn’t deny that he cared. The proof was written all over his face.

  He held out his hand. “Get your ass up. I can’t do this without you.”

  Walking off the field with him by my side was the best part of the game. I didn’t care about winning anymore. I didn’t care about impressing the scouts, or even my teammates. All I cared about was having the support of my brother.

  My leg was jacked up. I knew it was my ACL. With extensive work it would heal, but probably never be the same. Like my first relationship, a future in football was over, but at least it ended with a bang.

  My leg got wrapped up tight and I managed to make it on the field one last time. Jax knew I was done. He was aware that this might be the last time I ever played again. His pass to me was perfect. It hit me on my chest as I stood in the end-zone, holding onto it until the whistle blew.

  Winning the championship was epic. We celebrated the whole weekend. It was nice having most of our family there. Enough people were around to keep Jax and I separated. I had a lot I wanted to say to him, but this wasn’t the time.

  My parents never mentioned Reese, and I refused to bring her up and reopen what had already been settled. They’d never approve of us being together, and I couldn’t take the chance of hurting Jax anymore than I already had.

  Upon arriving back at the campus, I packed my things up in our shared room. Jax came in as I was pulling down a pinup of a porn star we’d both fancied. “Do you have to take her too?”

  I stuck the tape back up on the wall. “Don’t be like that, man. I just figured you didn’t want any reminders of me.”

  He flopped down on his bed. “Yeah, well then you should crush every mirror from here to Texas then. I mean, I can’t look in one without seeing your face.”

  I sat down carefully on my bed, trying my best to be comfortable considering my injury, and folded my hands together. “Jax, listen, I’m sorry. How many times do I have to say it?”

  “I’ll let you know when the time comes.”

  “That’s fair, I suppose.”

  We sat there quietly, not knowing what else to say. “I guess I’ll be heading home then.”

  “Was she worth it?” He asked without looking at me. “Was she worth losing this?”

  I rubbed my face with my hands. “I guess not. Obviously she ain’t here, and now we’re…well it sure as shit ain’t the same between us. If I could take it back-.”

  “Don’t, Jake. Don’t say shit like that when you know you don’t mean it.” Jax sat up and faced me. “I know you better than anyone. We’re brothers before anything else. You wouldn’t have slept with Reese if you didn’t love her.”

  I nodded. “You’re right. It doesn’t make a bit of a difference now does it?”

  “No. It doesn’t.”

  I stood up and lifted my bag over my shoulder. “Text me when you’re stopping by the farm. I’ll make sure I stay out of your way.” I walked up to him and placed my hand on his shoulder, like our dad had always done to us. Jax reached up and grabbed my arm, pulling me into an awkward hug. He said nothing, but instead just clung to me. “I know I fucked up, Jax, but you’ll always be my brother. I’d lay down my own life for you, and I know you’d do the same for me.” What I said was powerful, and he may not have been prepared for how it would make him feel. I wasn’t looking for pity. I just needed to be clear where I stood.

  “It’s not going to be the same here without you,” he surprised me.

  “Yeah. I’ll be around. I’ve still got classes every day. Maybe I could stop by and kick your ass on Xbox.”

  Finally he let go and smiled. “Yeah, man, that would be cool.”

  We shook hands and I walked away from my brother, the only person I’d shared my whole life with.

  Despite it being challenging to get around, I found myself climbing the stairs to Reese’s room. I wanted to check on her; to at least know she was okay.

  I got to her door, lifted my hand, and just stood there. I couldn’t bring myself to knock on it. I knew if she opened it up I wouldn’t be able to resist taking her in my arms and falling right back to where we were before.

  This entire struggle was impossible to grasp. I turned and headed out of the building, determined to make things right, even if I had to give up my chance of ever being with her again. I had to choose Jax.

  Chapter 33

  Reese

  It’s been three months since my whole life was turned upside down. In a matter of a week I’d managed to destroy any hopes of ever being happy. I’d settled into a pretty mundane routine of school and working part-time to keep me occupied. I picked a place I knew the twins had never been, just so I wouldn’t have to run into them.

  Avoiding seeing them on campus became easier. I heard Jake dropped his classes and underwent surgery to repair his leg. While I wished I could send him well-wishes, I knew it was better if I stayed away.

  It wasn’t easy burying my heart and trying to stay focused. At night, when I was all alone, thoughts of the brothers consumed me. The night at the hotel haunted my dreams, and I was left in a river of despair.

  My body paid a price as I withered down two pant sizes out of depression. I looked like a hobo walking around in drooping clothing. I stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair. With the exception of showering and brushing my teeth, I did nothing else to stay healthy. Eating wasn’t the same, because I’d shared so many meals with the two of them.

  My grades fell, almost to the point where I was in danger of failing. My focus was off, and I was drowning in a pool of never-ending sadness. For three months I’d wished I could go back and redo all of the things that led me to this very predicament. I didn’t want to live anymore, not with the lingering guilt held high over my head.

  Since I hadn’t done much of anything in a long time, a group of my co-workers were wanting me to go out with them. I was reluctant, but tired of being locked up in a dorm room, dwelling on the emptiness that filled my life. After I’d made sure we were going to a place pretty far from campus, I agreed that one night wouldn’t hurt me.

  Getting dressed up was a task, since nothing fit the way it should. I tried on several outfits before settling into a skirt and a form fitting sweater. My high boots didn’t have a heel, but I felt like they were nice enough to wear out.

  Once I’d finished my hair, and applied some makeup to my dark circled eyes, I stared at my reflection, remembering the happy person I used to be. I wanted my life back so bad, but knew that going out to a bar wasn’t going to change anything. I was still pathetic.

  I guess I could have gone home and started over with the help of my family. Disappointing them was the utmost despicable thing possible. I knew that if I stepped foot in their house I’d feel even worse.

  Determined to make the most of the night, I met my new friends and we set out for a night on the town. After eating, we did a few shots, and honestly I felt great. I was out on the dance floor, feeling carefree. My smile was apparent, up until I saw someone in the corner of the bar, making out with a tall blonde.

  At first I wasn’t sure who it was. I mean, from a distant it was difficult to tell them apart. One action let me know it was Jax. He pulled away from the girl’s lips to rub his nose over hers. I had to admit that for a split second I felt offended. I thought it was just something he’d done with me. Obviously it was some kind of trademark.

  Feeling annoyed, I turned my attention back to my friends, hoping that he’d soon leave with his conquest without even noticing me. A little later the place was crowded with people. I’d done a few more shots, and stopped worrying all about Jax and his friend.

  It took one trip to the bathroom to change that. Before I walked toward the restroom, I looked around to make sure I didn’t see him anywhere. When I got inside I leaned over the sink to check out my eyeliner. That’s when I heard commotion coming from inside a stall. Four feet were noticeable as I turned around. The shoes, that I’d bought him for Christmas, allowed me to know exactly who was behind the closed doors. I quickly used the bathroom in the next stall, trying not to listen to them getting all hot and heavy.

  Jax being with someone else didn’t bother me like I thought it would. I was glad he’d moved on, because it meant that he wasn’t as miserable as I was. While doing my best to hurry out of there, I heard the door open and saw him coming out first, buckling his pants back up.

  Our eyes met, and there was nothing I could say to make it any easier. “Hi Jax.”

  “Reese.” I watched his jaw clenching. “How’d you get in here?” His words were slurred, and the lids of his eyes were heavy, like he was struggling to keep them open. I knew he was drunk, and I wanted to get away from him as fast as humanly possible.

  While his date was still doing something in the stall, I tried to walk by him, so I could get the hell out of there. “Enjoy your night.”

  “I always do,” he said as I exited the room.

  I must admit that it was impossible to not feel something being so close to him again, although it wasn’t attraction or even pain. The last time we’d seen each other he’d thrown me into a wall when I tried to break he and his brother up from fighting. Yes, I was the reason for it, but he knew he’d hurt me and he just kept pounding on Jake. Jake wouldn’t have done that. No matter how much that would have hurt him, he would have kept me out of harm’s way.

  He was always too rough for me, even in bed. I liked kinky, but his extremes were selfish and sometimes left me sore and confused. Just thinking about it made me want another drink. I headed up the bar to order something stiff when I heard a commotion coming from the back of the establishment. Jax and some guy even bigger than him were up in each other’s faces. The blonde he’d been in the corner and later the bathroom with was standing behind the other guy. Then it dawned on me that she hadn’t been there with Jax.