At five o’clock in the morning I was hit in the face with a pillow. Jax stood over me, letting a wad of spit dangle down until it almost touched my face. I swiftly brought my leg up and kicked him away from me. He laughed and wiped off his face. “I couldn’t help it, dude. You slept through the alarm. You should’ve seen your face.” He continued laughing as I shoved him farther away from me. “Screw you.”

  “Hurry up and get your shit together. We need to bounce.”

  I shook my head but got up anyway, knowing it was important to be prompt to practice. It also gave me some time to figure out what I was going to say if Jax brought up the cabin.

  Thankfully we met some of our teammates in the hallway. Jax was already wired, banging on every door until we reached the stairs. We’d made it down the first flight before he started talking about what his plans were for after practice, which included some alone time with Reese. I stayed out of it, focusing on getting to practice to take all my frustrations out on the field.

  In the locker room I started putting on my gear when I noticed I had a message on my cell phone. I looked around to make sure nobody was looking when I opened it.

  I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about last night. About you. - R

  I deleted the message and shoved my phone back in the locker. After practice I was going to have to talk to her, even though I had no idea what I wanted to say.

  Chapter 15

  Reese

  I spent the whole night balled up on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably. It made it worse when Jake refused to talk to me. I’d tried to pretend that nothing was wrong when I was with Jax, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it for long. I’d cried so much that my eyes were almost swollen shut. I kept taking a damp rag and letting it sit to try and alleviate some of it. Each time I felt like I was making progress I’d break down again.

  I thought about calling some of my girlfriends, but couldn’t admit what I’d done. Then I decided that there was one place I could go to feel safe. As soon as I was showered and dressed I walked eight blocks to the Catholic Church. I felt terrible for how long it had been since I’d gone to mass. My parents had been so adamant about me taking catechism, hoping I’d keep my faith as I grew older. Even though my beliefs hadn’t changed, my priorities had. Now I was about to admit to the priest that I’d failed God.

  I played with my cross as I waited inside the small boxed confessional. I stared at the woodwork, focusing on what I’d come to do. I knew if I dwelled on my sins I’d run out before doing what I’d set out to do.

  The little window slid to the side and I heard someone clearing their voice.

  This priest got right to it, unlike the one from home, who greeted everyone the same way each time. “Good morning. What brings you here on this glorious day?”

  “Bless me father for I have sinned. It’s been two years since my last confession. I’ve tried to lead a righteous path, but I’m afraid that love has led me down an evil road. I think I’m in love with two men, and I’ve fornicated with both. Please forgive me, father. Please provide me with absolution.”

  “Two years is a long time my dear. I’m afraid love leads many down dangerous paths. It’s the strongest thing that humans experience. Are these two men Christian?”

  “Yes, but they aren’t Catholic. That’s not even the worst part, father. They’re brothers. The men I have feelings for are twin brothers.”

  For a split second I expected him to gasp or tell me I was damned to Hell. When he said nothing for quite some time I felt like I was suffocating in the small box. Swiftly I got up and exited the church. I couldn’t ask for forgiveness when I wasn’t even sure what I was prepared to do. I couldn’t repent for something I was still committing. Absolution wouldn’t come until I faced my own self. Hail Mary’s weren’t going to help me decide what I wanted.

  I didn’t head back to my dorm room right away. Instead I walked around the campus, thinking to myself. I could hear the drill whistles in the distance and knew the guys were still practicing. In a couple hours Jake would be heading to class; one we shared. He’d expect to see me there. The problem was that I’d spent all night going over everything in my head. Over and over I played out scenarios of how it could be resolved. There was only one solution to all of this, and that was taking me out of the equation. I had to break it off with Jax, and steer clear of both of them.

  I waited out in the hall when class started. While hiding behind a group of peers, Jake entered class and found his seat. I didn’t mean to be creepy but I kept looking to see if he was checking the door for me to enter.

  Class started and I refused to go inside. Instead, I headed back to the dorm room to cry some more. Not even fifteen minutes later my phone began to ring. It couldn’t be Jax, because he knew I had class. Reluctantly I peered down at the screen and saw it was a message from Jake.

  Where are you?- J

  Why do you care? – R

  You know I do. Where are you? – J

  In my room. –R

  Why? – J

  You know why. – R

  I couldn’t talk last night. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was trying to do the right thing. – J

  I’m so messed up. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do. – R

  It took him a couple minutes to reply. Honestly I figured he was ignoring me on purpose to avoid the topic.

  You have to be strong. Please don’t hurt Jax. – J

  What about you? – R

  I don’t care about me. It doesn’t matter. You’re with my brother. He’ll be good to you. Don’t ruin it. I won’t ever tell. I’d never hurt you like that. – J

  But I care about you. I wish I was dead. You could go back to the way things were, and I’d be just a memory. You’re better off without me anyway. – R

  My emotions were all over the place. Even though I knew I didn’t have the guts to end my life and live in purgatory forever, I was determined to make sure I didn’t ruin their relationship.

  I turned off my phone and buried my head in a pillow, where I screamed as loud as I could. It was impossible to fathom how I’d gotten to this degree of depression, yet I couldn’t find a light to follow to get out of it.

  A knock on the door scared me. I ignored it first, until I heard him saying my name. I unfastened the lock and cracked it. There he was, standing with worried eyes. He frowned when he saw me, pushed open the door and closed it behind him. I backed up to give him space as he approached. “You didn’t have to come here, Jake.”

  “Yes I did. You talked about wanting to end your life.”

  “I’d never do that. I’m just upset.” I turned away and tried to fight back another bout of tears. “You should go.”

  I felt his hands on my shoulders. He pulled me backward until my body hit his chest. Then his arms wrapped firmly around my stomach. “You’re making this so hard for me to stay away.” I let my fingers trail over his hands. Immediately I felt better being held by him. Jake brought his mouth up to my ear. His hot breath gave me chills as he spoke. “I didn’t sleep either. I kept thinking about you. I even dreamed about you.”

  I turned around and looked him in the eyes. He reached up and touched where they were swollen. “You’ve got to stop crying. It’s not healthy.”

  “I don’t know what else to do. I can’t talk to Jax. You wouldn’t talk to me. I felt alone.”

  “I couldn’t talk about it last night. I was pissed off at my dad trying to pry, and I just wanted to calm down. Besides, Jax was asleep in the bed next to mine. What if I fell asleep and he read one of your messages? How would that look?”

  “You don’t get it. It may be easy for you to turn off your feelings, but it’s not for me. I don’t want to go back to the way it was. I hated you for treating me so mean. It hurts.” Even talking about it was making me sad.

  “I can’t be the shoulder you cry on, Reese.”

  “Why not? Why can’t we be friends?”

  He looked away and furrowed his brow. “Because I’m in love with you. I can’t give you advice on your relationship without it ripping my heart out. I can’t go to Sunday dinners and not wish it was me up in that hay loft. Don’t you get how much harder this is now? I’ve held you in my arms. I’ve tasted you. We made love together. You’re all I think about. I’m not capable of turning it off. I don’t even want to.”

  I backed away from him and sat down on my mattress. He was right. It wasn’t fair to expect him to suffer. “I’m sorry.”

  Jake sat down beside me and put his hand on my leg. It was just a friendly touch, but immediately gave me chills. “Don’t be sorry. Just be strong. You’re going to get through this. You’re a strong and beautiful woman, who’s lucky enough to have so many people admire her. I know you can make it out of this and be happy. Nothing has to change. As far as everyone knows you and I don’t get along. You can go about your life as if the cabin never happened.”

  “I don’t want that. I can’t forget something like that.”

  “You have to. We both do.” Jake knelt down in front of me. He placed his hands on my knees and looked up to make sure I was paying attention. “I know I can’t be with you. I’ve known for a long time now. What we shared I’ll never forget for as long as I’m breathing, but I can’t dwell on what’s never going to happen. For the record I’m glad I told you. I’m glad you know, because it was tearing me up inside. I let down my walls at the cabin, and had the most beautiful experience with you. That’s why I know I have to keep my distance. I can’t trust myself when I’m near you.”

  I nodded sadly. I knew too well how he felt. “Right now I feel like I’m drowning in my own pool of pain, and if I don’t keep swimming I’ll never make it to the surface.” I leaned forward and let our foreheads touch. Jake didn’t pull away, not even when I closed my eyes.

  “I should probably go. I wouldn’t want anyone catching me in your room.” I heard what he said, but he still hadn’t budged from his position. My eyes opened and I noticed he was staring right at me.

  “What if I don’t want you to leave?” My lips began to tremble as I desperately attempted to ask him for one more thing. “Stay with me, Jake. Just hold me for a little while. I’ll never ask for anything else. Please don’t go. When you’re here with me it doesn’t hurt so bad.” It was the truth. Maybe it was because we’d gotten into this mess together, but I’d like to think it was much more.

  I backed up on the bed and held out my hand. Jake placed his on top and climbed on the mattress with me. When he was comfortable on his back, I rolled half of my body over his and rested my head. He reached up and held my hand that was flat against where his heart sat. “I hate that I caused this.”

  “You didn’t,” I argued. “I was as much a part of what happened.”

  “Yeah, but I should have stopped it. I knew it would come to this.”

  I started thinking about Jax, and how I was going to be around him when my heart ached for Jake. He may not have been able to read me as good as Jake, but he’d know there was something wrong. I couldn’t even come up with a believable story in my head as to why I’d be so distraught. “I’m going to break up with Jax. I know you don’t want me to, but it’s something I have to do. I also think you should start dating someone. It will hurt at first, but I know you could be happy if you tried. Maybe you can find someone that will be good for Jax.” I was really bawling, making it hard for Jake to understand what I was saying. “He’ll struggle for a little while over the breakup, but he’ll have you to help him. I just want you both to be happy.”

  “I’m not interested in finding someone else, Reese. If I can’t have you then I’ll focus on football and school. I’ll get my degree and work hard.”

  “There you go again, reminding me why I know I picked the wrong brother.”

  “Don’t say stuff like that.”

  “It’s true. If it wasn’t, then why am I here with you right now? Why do you make me feel safer than anyone has before? Why can’t I get you out of my mind? It’s like you’re everywhere. I can’t get you out of my thoughts. You consume every part of me. I keep trying to fight it; to fight myself, but I know it’s there. It’s just waiting to be expressed physically and emotionally. I’ve questioned my reasoning. I’ve played it all out in my head. I know it won’t work, but I can’t stop wanting you. I need you, not like the other night. I need your love. I want it. It’s all that I want.”

  Chapter 16

  Jake

  “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s true,” she cried. “I got carried away with Jax for a long time. He makes me happy. He buys me things and takes me out. He treats me good, and respects that I’m different, but that’s just it. We’re too different. My love for him is physical. In all the months we’ve been together he should know me inside and out, yet he doesn’t. He doesn’t even care what my favorite music is, or the fact that I want to be a psychiatrist. He doesn’t value my opinion, not at all. Jax is about Jax and I’m just along for the ride. Maybe I don’t want to be someone’s sidekick. Maybe I want to feel equal in a relationship.”

  “You’re just looking for reasons to justify this. Talk to Jax. He’ll change for you. He already has.”

  “For how long? A month? A week? How long until he goes back to his old ways? Better yet, how long until he gets bored of me and finds someone else to spend his time with. Don’t tell me it won’t happen. He looks at other girls all the time when we’re together. I’m not an idiot.”

  “I like to look at women. It’s a man thing.”

  She wasn’t going for my bullshit. “Yeah right. The first time we were in the library together this group of girls came in. It was obvious that you’d been with one of them. She kept leaning over trying to get your attention. The one thing I noticed was that you never looked in her direction, not once. Why is that, Jake?”

  She had me there. I remembered that day. The chick’s name was Carla and she had huge tits. I’d hooked up with her a couple times, but she was nothing but an easy lay. Reese was sitting across from me that particular time, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. “You know why.”

  “You see, ever since our time at the cabin I’ve been thinking about all the occasions when we were alone. It’s my fault for never noticing, but the signs were always there. Remember when I got into that fight with Jax about the movie we were going to see? I started crying in the theater and ran into the restroom. It wasn’t Jax who was waiting for me outside. It was you. He’d already bought the tickets to that stupid movie he wanted to see. Then the next day he brought me flowers to say he was sorry.”

  The flowers had been my idea, and I’d picked them up for him to give to her. I knew she was angry, and didn’t want to see her sad. “Okay. You got me, but it still doesn’t matter.”

  Reese climbed off of me and locked her door so no one could walk in. “Tell me this, Jake, because it’s something I can’t seem to grasp. If I love Jax so much then why does my heart keep drawing me back to you? How is it that every breath I take I think about the way you make me feel?”

  “Don’t do this, Reese. You’re playing with fire.”

  “I can’t help it. I want you. I want you to touch me like you did at the cabin. I need you to help me make this pain go away; the ache that I constantly have for resolution. You don’t admit it, and maybe I don’t either, but this thing between us isn’t going away. Its power continues to consume my every thought. I’m tired of the fight. Please, just make it all go away.”

  I was in a deep pile of shit, with nothing but a rock hard cock and a woman begging me to be with her; a woman I loved to the brink of life. How could I deny what I wanted more than anything? “Take off your clothes.” It was a direct order. I didn’t need to sugar coat it. She knew I’d take care of her every desire. I’d memorized every inch of skin on her body for that purpose. This woman was meant to be mine. I couldn’t continue denying what was happening right in front of us. The more I fought to do the right thing, the less ability I held to stay away.

  I watched as she shimmied out of her pants, taking her underwear with them. The bra was the last article of clothing to go, and I couldn’t for the life of me, look away. Her sensual body beckoned to be tended to. I stretched my arm out and touched her hot, naked skin. She stepped closer, climbing on top of me with little effort. I didn’t push her away, or tell her to stop. My strength to fight this was gone. A fire ignited in my pants when her hand cupped my groin. She slid down and licked my jeans over where my dick was already growing. She was seducing me, and I was letting her. Once again I was hers to have. I’d given in, because denying her was like not being able to breathe. The idea of never touching her left the air too thick to inhale. I needed her like grass needed water. She was my everything and this was our moment. Like the first time, everything else around us disappeared. It was as if the world stopped spinning when we were together. I felt complete, needed, wanted, and above all, desired. She was my temptress, and I was in awe of her. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to bring her satisfaction. I craved her kiss, her touch, and more than anything, her heart.

  In only a few seconds she had my pants unzipped. Her hand slid gradually inside of the opening, finding my stiff cock waiting. As much as I wanted to watch her lips devouring it, I needed to taste her sweet kiss. I longed to feel her tongue playing against mine. Reese came up and looked right in my eyes as she planted a wet, adoring kiss on me. Her tongue danced with mine, just like I anticipated it would. When that wasn’t enough to fulfill my craving, I picked her up until she was sitting on my face. I could smell her arousal as I narrowed in on her exposed pussy. The second my tongue made contact with her soft pie I lost myself in it, lapping her up like a hungry beast. She leaned forward and clung to the headboard for support. I went wild, using my nose and whiskers to make sure every crevice was tended to. Her body bucked on top of my face, but I couldn’t stop. I was determined to lick her dry, for the sole purpose of getting her soaked all over again. “I can’t get enough of you,” I said against her thigh when I paused from my task.