Chapter 35

  Christian

  When the next Thursday rolled around I couldn’t wait to tell my doctor how Ethan was back in my life. While he was at school, getting his work done before Thanksgiving break, I strolled into her office feeling like I could conquer the world.

  I think she knew before I even sat down that something was different with me. I watched her give me a once over. “I can already tell you’ve made progress since our last meet.”

  I crossed my legs and prepared to shock her. “Well, Ethan came back in my life this week, and he’s in love with me. All this time he said he’s loved me. I still can hardly believe it myself, but he’s been over to the house every day after school, and he spent the whole past weekend with me.”

  She jotted something down like usual. “I see. How does it make you feel to have him back in your life?”

  “I feel whole again. It’s like I know I’m goin’ to be okay, because I have my best friend by my side.”

  “What about intimacy?”

  Immediately I felt uncomfortable. “What about it?”

  “You’ve had a sexual relationship with Ethan for years, so naturally one would expect that to start back up. Have you attempted to be intimate with Ethan since he’s been back?”

  I looked down, as if she’d detected my conflicts right away. “We mess around and kiss all the time. He’s gentle with me. I know he’ll wait as long as it takes me.”

  “How do you feel when you’re with him?”

  “Obviously happy.”

  “No. How do you feel when things start to become intense? Do you withdraw or does he?”

  I twiddled my fingers. “I suppose it’s me. Sometimes he tells me to slow down. Ethan’s good like that.”

  “Are you frightened by the idea of being with a man again?”

  “Should I be?”

  She looked up from her desk and dropped her pen down. I watched as her hands folded together. “I can’t answer that for you, Christian. Every patient manages trauma differently. I’ve had some patients that were victims who took years to overcome their complexities. Others prevail quite easily, going back to the life they had before they suffered their experience.”

  “Is it possible that my love for Ethan is so strong that I’m able to move on so soon?”

  “What do you think?” Sometimes I hated how shrinks turned things around. Why couldn’t they say what they meant, instead of making us solve some crazy mind game? “I think that when I’m alone with Ethan I want to take things to the next level, because it’s always been special. It’s a happy place for me. When I’m with Ethan, I don’t think about that night. Does that sound weird?”

  “I think you won’t know until you try. It sounds like Ethan’s willing to be patient if you need him to. Why don’t you discuss it more with him. I know sometimes spontaneity is enjoyable. I’d make your first encounter a planned one. Set a date and work your way to it. If it doesn’t work out then we’ll know what we have to focus on.”

  For the next hour I told the doctor my concerns. My fear was that I’d get halfway done with the deed and freak out. Perhaps I’d watched too many movies where girls acted that way. When I was alone I did think about that night, but I also thought about all of the other women who had it so much worse than me. Seth wasn’t a stranger. Even though I hated the mere mention of his name, I was making progress with being able to move past it.

  When I left her office I felt better. It wasn’t like Ethan would walk away if I wanted him to go slow. I was fully aware that the final piece of being able to move forward would depend on this act. As much as I feared it, a part of me looked ahead to the new and improved relationship that I finally had with my best friend. Knowing he loved me had only given me the strength I required to pull it off. I was going to overcome this obstacle, because out of the evilness that besieged me, I knew I could see the light.

  Since I had plans to meet Ethan back at the ranch, I didn’t waste time heading home. My eagerness to be with him wasn’t just to overcome obstacles. Every ounce of me wanted to be close to him, because even though I had issues with intimacy, I still felt the safest in his arms.

  It wasn’t surprising to find my cousins arriving. My stomach knotted up at the mere thought of approaching them with my doctor’s suggestions. The last thing I needed was to hear them ridicule me to pieces.

  With a steady focus I walked toward them, fearing whatever was to come out of their smart mouths. Jax spotted me first, just as he helped a female step out from the back seat. “Chris, you’re just in time to meet my girl. This is Reese.” I looked at the brunette, petite girl, with light colored eyes that may or may not have been gray, and smiled, even though I wondered what she was doing with my crazy cousin.

  Then, before I could greet her, he cut in between us and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t for the life of me reciprocate. This was something that had never occurred before. I mean, my mom probably had pictures of when we were kids, but this wasn’t like that. “Are you ill?” I teased.

  “I heard what happened, Chris,” he whispered in my ear. “I know you’ve got a brother, but if you need me to kick some ass I’d be glad to.”

  I pulled away, wondering how I was supposed to react. “Thanks, but I’m just tryin’ to move forward.”

  “I can tell. You look great.”

  His girlfriend interrupted the compliment. “When you said she was pretty you didn’t do her justice. Girl, you are gorgeous!”

  I was taken aback by her statement. My cheeks immediately became flustered. “Thanks, but you’re too nice. Jax would never say that about me.”

  She looked back at him, and then toward me again. “No, really. He talks about you and your sister Addison all the time. You’re stunning. I’m surprised you don’t model. With your figure you could go places.”

  All of the sudden I felt modest. My arms hugged my sweater across my chest, and I searched for what to say next.

  Jax put his arm around me at the same time his brother Jake approached us. He too leaned down and hugged me. “How’re you doin’?”

  I shrugged. “Did my mom put you up to this?”

  “What?” Jake looked confused. “No. We talked about what happened to you on the way here. All fun aside, you’re our cousin. Neither of us wants to see you hurt.”

  Reese walked over to the car and began pulling out her bags. I made sure I spoke so she couldn’t hear me. “I thought you guys hated me.”

  They both laughed, as if my comment was preposterous.

  “Seriously, you’ve made fun of me for as long as I could remember. Don’t be nice to me just because of what I’ve been through. I’m stronger than you think.”

  Jake nudged his twin brother. “Look cuz, just because we pick on you doesn’t mean what we say is true. If we weren’t related we’d totally hit it,” he teased.

  Feeling disgusted, I smacked him on the arm. “You’re sick.”

  He swatted me away. “I was only sayin’ you were doable. Calm down. You know it ain’t like that. All jokes aside, you’re smokin’ hot. Our friends have been givin’ us shit about hookin’ them up for years.”

  I could feel the burning developing in my eyes. This wasn’t just some kind of confirmation for me. This was life changing. My whole life I’d felt out of place. It was as if I couldn’t let myself see what apparently everyone else did. This wasn’t like hearing my boyfriend, or even my parents telling me I was pretty. It was like asking the most critical skeptics. Not that I’d ever base my life on anything they said, the twin’s honest response had left me speechless. I was literally stunned that this was taking place.

  When I saw Reese moving toward us I decided to accept their compliments before I could feel embarrassed. “Thanks guys.”

  Jax quickly reached over and started messing up my hair. “No problem, nerd.”

  Jake laughed. “Yeah, don’t go tellin’ anyone we said you were pretty. We wouldn’t want the family thinkin’ we went soft.”

  I rolled my eyes, but nodded anyway. I didn’t care if I was the only person who ever knew what they’d said to me. It was unforgettable.

  I watched them gather the rest of their belongings and walk inside of my parent’s house. At that same time Ethan’s vehicle pulled down the lane. In that moment I felt more beautiful than I could ever remember feeling. It was then that I knew I’d be able to give myself to my boyfriend, both inside and out I knew I wasn’t a waste of space.

  Chapter 36

  Ethan

  Something was different about her. Even though I couldn’t put my finger on it, I knew it had something to do with her cousins. She’d always been sort of uncomfortable when they came around. Now, all of a sudden, she was full of smiles as they walked away.

  After obtaining the bouquet of fall colored flowers I’d picked up on the way, I climbed out of the car to greet my lady. I still couldn’t get over how nice it felt to address her as mine. Her gaze filled me with warmth, as if to remind me that we were both finally where we knew we needed to be.

  I wrapped my arms around her, and although it was nothing new, everything felt changed; so surreal. “I missed you,” she said as she whispered against my face.

  “Me too. How was your appointment?” I asked as I separated us enough to look into those green eyes.

  “It was good.”

  I paid close attention to her cousins disappearing into the house. “How about them? Did they give you any shit?” I’d been around the family enough to know how things went. Her cousins were bullies at times. They didn’t mean any harm, but she always took it so personal. Had I been in her shoes I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard to understand her methods of reasoning.

  “Actually,” she looked down at the ground and I watched her face turn to a shy grimace. “They said I’m beautiful.”

  I could tell she was touched by their term of endearment. My hand lifted and coursed over her cheek. “You are.”

  Chris shrugged and looked away, as if she couldn’t handle the compliment. “It’s hard to believe sometimes. I’ve never looked in the mirror and saw myself that way. It’s intense.”

  “I’ve always seen the beauty, both inside and out. Don’t you understand that? You’re the most beautiful, true, innocent, lovin’, honest person I know. Darlin’, you’re nothin’ but a treasure.”

  She began to giggle and shove me away. “Stop it. That’s just weird comin’ from you.”

  I tossed up my hands. “What? It’s the truth.”

  “You’re just tryin’ to get in my pants.” I watched as she continued shaking her head at my comment.

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m not goin’ to lie. It wouldn’t kill me to make love to you over and over until to the sun came up over the horizon, but that ain’t why I said it. I feel all of those things for you; I see them when I look at you.”

  She stopped moving and just stared at me. It was impossible to stand so close and not reach out to touch her. Our hands laced together and with little effort I pulled her close to me. Her warm breath let me know she was near enough to kiss. I didn’t dawdle when it came to something so necessary. In that moment it was just us.

  Our embrace was short-lived when we heard whistling, knowing it was coming from either of her cousins. She squeezed both of my hands as she spoke. “I want you to make love to me tonight, Ethan.”

  “You know we can’t,” I replied quickly. “You’re not ready.”

  “I am. The doctor says I’ll know it and I do.”

  I refused to believe that she was. “I don’t expect anything.”

  She pulled me closer so anyone lurking wouldn’t be able to hear. “You were my first for everything that matters. You showed me what it was like to feel completely loved when we are together. You’re my safe place, Ethan. Bein’ with you doesn’t make me feel nervous. It makes me feel alive again.”

  I reached forward and kissed the top of her head, holding my lips there for a long amount of time. “I will never hurt you.”

  “I know,” she whispered. Then, as if she wasn’t taking no for an answer, she continued. “Tonight. We’re goin’ to make love until the sun meets with the horizon. We’ll take our time, and when it’s all over I’ll have that last piece of myself back. I don’t just want this, Ethan. I need it. I need you. I need you to love me more than you ever have before. I need you to remind me that our love is stronger than anything that comes in our way.” All of a sudden I felt her trembling and noticed she was crying. It wasn’t a cry like she was in pain. It was more along the lines of being so determined that emotions were pouring out of her. I stroked her face and wiped away the residue.

  “Okay, babe. You don’t have to beg. I’ll make love to you. I’ll give you my all with little effort, because lovin’ you is easy, it’s natural. My only concern will be you, and if you tell me to stop I -.”

  “I won’t.” Chris shook her head. “I might need to pause, but I won’t ask you to stop. Every inch of my body wants to be with you again. I know I won’t want you to stop.”

  “But if you do…I will. I’ll wait as long as it takes. Since I’m keepin’ you around forever, there’s no rush.”

  “I’d rather not waste anymore time,” she said with an ornery snicker.

  “Then I guess it’s settled. Tonight I’ll make love to you, and not because you asked me to, but more along of the lines of bein’ that close to you somehow completes me.”

  “Keep talkin’ like that and we won’t make it to dinner.” With the vibes she was sending I was half-tempted to escort her somewhere private and get started. The last thing I wanted to do was hold in my excitement around her family. “I’m just teasin’,” I assured her. It was important to keep it together.

  “No you’re not! Don’t forget how well I know you, Ethan.”

  We kissed one more time after I pulled her close with a little jerk. She squealed and gave me a shocked look as she pulled away. “Yeah, maybe you do. All the more reason to take you to our special spot and get started.”

  She pushed away full of smiles. While biting down on her lip she continued to step backwards. “When you’re sittin’ at the table near my father just imagine what you’re goin’ to do with me later. I might even give him a head’s up that we won’t be stickin’ around for dessert.” Chris took off running. Her laughter echoed off of the surrounding trees.

  I stood there watching her go into the house, the whole time trying to rid myself of the image of being horny around her family. If they weren’t on high alert before we came out as a couple, they certainly were now. I imagined death by salad fork and almost cringed. Instead of eating, I was going to be clenching my silverware, hoping I didn’t have to use it for self-defense.

  A couple hours later I sat there amongst her whole family with the idea of being intimate still lingering in my mind. I did my best to avoid eye contact, with not only Chris, but her father and brother. I only answered when addressed, and realized that they probably knew I was being ridiculously weird. It didn’t matter. As long as I could sit there at the table, and not think about how good it was going to feel to make love to my girl again, I’d be fine.

  Unfortunately my girlfriend had other ideas. Her warm hand reached under the table as she carried on in a conversation with her brother. I forced my legs together to prevent a sudden growth beneath my meal.

  While she continued taunting me, Chris would purposely include me in the conversation, expecting me to answer straight-faced. She was doing all of this on purpose and I couldn’t do anything to rectify the situation. It was quite obvious that I wouldn’t be able to get up and walk out of the room. The closer her fingers got to my crotch the more apparent it became. I started thinking long-term; how many extra minutes it would take me to calm down enough to be able to stand up.

  For a moment I peered over and saw the fire in her eyes. Her cheerful mood lifted some of my anxiety, although it wasn’t enough to shake my fear of being forever known as the guy who got up from the Mitchell family table with a woody. Finally I came to the conclusion that I’d have to take matters into my own hands. As gently and not obvious as it could be, I removed her hand from my pants and gave her a look. She shot one back, but didn’t attempt to torture me again.

  When everyone retreated to the living room for dessert I picked a chair that I could sit in by myself. It was vital that I have a good relationship with her family, since I knew I’d someday be a member.

  Just when we all started talking about football, Chris came in with some kind of cake. It was covered in icing, and she was purposely taking her finger to draw up some and lick it off, all the while watching me react. I slowly gulped down the lump forming in my throat as I turned to ignore her innuendos. Of course, it wasn’t fast enough to defer wandering eyes. “Hey Ethan, you alright over there?” Noah asked. “You look like you’re about to bust a nut.”

  As shocking as his remark came out, I watched as the room filled with laughing bodies.

  “Whatever!” I spat out and crossed my legs. Directly in view was my girlfriend, steady eying me up. She was never going to hear the end of it if I made it out of the house alive. “Pick on someone else, Noah. You ain’t gettin’ me in trouble.”

  “I’ll let it go, if you tell me when you started bangin’ my sister. You see, you never asked us for permission. We don’t take that kind of action lightly.”

  Chris stood up and started marching toward me. “Shut up, Noah. You should have asked him that question a long time ago.”

  I was petrified to look in the direction of her father, especially when she came to sit on my lap. A part of me wanted to run out before they located the hunting rifles.

  “He’s just messin’ with ya, Ethan,” her father explained. “You have our blessin’, you know that.”

  I nodded. “Thanks, sir. I appreciate that.”

  “Boy, quit your worryin’. I think we all knew you two would end up together,” Noah teased.

  Chris wrapped her arms around my neck. Her smile was comforting until she leaned up and whispered in my ear. “Let’s get out of here.”