“Don’t go.”

  “I’m not. I’m just going to crash on the couch. If you need me call me.”

  He attempted to walk away, but I wouldn’t release my hold on him. “Please don’t go.”

  “I told you, I’ll be in the other room.”

  “Jax, I don’t want you to sleep in the other room. I want you to stay in here with me. Please, will you hold me?”

  He didn’t hesitate climbing in beside me under the covers. I felt his arms pulling me close, and the heat of his bare chest when I was all the way in his hold. “I finally got you in bed,” he teased.

  “Don’t be poking me with that weapon of yours. I’m liable to scream.”

  He chuckled and it vibrated off his body to mine. “I have little control over the Jaxinator. I’m just warning you now.”

  “The Jaxinator? You’ve got to be kidding me.” I hurt to laugh. My heart was pounding in my head, and felt like at any moment I could vomit. “I don’t even want to know.”

  “It’s not everyday that I’m asked to sleep next to the sexiest woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

  The compliment filled me with warmth. It wasn’t just being told I was attractive. Jax made me feel beautiful. He respected my wishes, which in turn allowed me to appreciate him so much more. This man was going to be the death of me, because every minute I spent with him was making me fall for him harder. My only hope was that he would get out before I ruined his life too. Though I appreciated his friendship, I knew I didn’t deserve it. He needed someone who could give him everything, and I was just a broken mess. There’s no way I could ever allow myself to feel hopeless about someone.

  I needed to be punished, and so I knew I’d spend the rest of my life alone. It was the sad truth to my fate.

  Chapter 17

  Jax

  I didn’t know how it was happening, or even why, but I couldn’t stay away from her, especially now. Her desperate need for support was only giving me more reason to reach out and offer. I didn’t have to look for reasons to be around her when they were piling up without effort. My only regret was not knowing if this new friendship could ever be more.

  As we lay there in each other’s arms, I tried to recall a time when I felt so content being with someone of the opposite sex without knowing I’d be rewarded sexually. I’d been shallow, and selfish my entire life. Now I’d met someone who not only challenged me, but was forcing me to be a better person.

  If that wasn’t enough reason to be crazy about her, our emotional pull was hard to ignore. I didn’t care if we stayed in this position all night. The fact that we were together in the first place was enough for me.

  It boggled my mind. For so long I’d lived in the moment, for myself only. Sure, I’d cared about Reese, but she always gave in when I wanted something. Amber made everything a challenge. She was hard work, and apparently enough to allow me to see that there was so much more to a relationship than something physical.

  Throughout the night she would spontaneously wake me up crying. At one point she apologized and said her time of the month was coming and she knew she was being over-emotional. I didn’t care. Any reason to hold her this way was perfect for me. She could be on the rag three hundred and sixty-five days out of the year and I’d be content with being at her side.

  That’s when I really knew I had it bad. Her beauty had pulled me in, but everything else was begging for me to stay. This type of connection was new. It scared me in some ways, because while I wanted to seem tough and in control, I didn’t know the first thing about what was really going on. I wasn’t even sure if I knew how to have an emotional relationship with a woman.

  I woke up the next day and left for work, after placing a small note next to her bed.

  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t stand there looking at her sleeping for a few moments. She captivated me. Her essence put off pheromones that kept drawing me in closer, hoping to somehow penetrate the defense that was preventing her from seeing what was happening between us. I only wished I knew a way to make her realize without being blatantly obvious about it, and ruining every chance I might or might not have.

  Since I was late for work on the ranch I had to hear a bunch of shit from Noah, who in turn used Shalan’s pregnancy as an excuse to rip me a new ass. He wanted to know where I’d been, and I couldn’t bring myself to admit it out loud. I feared that if he heard the truth from my mouth he wouldn’t let it go. Since I didn’t know where we stood, I couldn’t exactly explain what was going on between us. All I did know was that in a few days I’d be spending a whole weekend with her. Even if I was only pretending to be her boyfriend in front of her parents, I knew it gave me a chance to maybe show her that we could be so much more if she only let it happen.

  All day long I thought about her, to the point where I almost cut my arm off twice. Noah had been chopping down branches, and while I stared out into the distance imagining her silky body, the chainsaw slipped and almost hit my skin. It was so close that it touched the hairs on my arms.

  After that I tried my hardest to stay focused.

  By lunchtime I decided to head to my place and get something to eat. On the table, where I’d be sure to see, was a note from my brother. I’d recognize his chicken scratch anywhere.

  I tossed the message down and walked to the refrigerator to get a beer. After checking every part of it twice, I realized I was out. Feeling defeated, I called Amber, hoping that her voice would cheer me up.

  When she answered I heard the sound of loud music playing and realized she was at work. For some reason that bugged me. It was her job and she was good at it, but I was overwhelmed with terrible thoughts.

  “Jax, are you there?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t know you had to work today.” We hadn’t talked about it, because I was too busy trying to console her.

  She sounded like she didn’t like the place. It wasn’t my business to enquire about it, even if the image of a bunch of perverts watching her was burning a hole in my brain. I could only hope they weren’t paying for private dances in the back booth. The idea made my blood boil.

  “You never asked. Is something wrong, Jax?” Maybe she wouldn’t even tell me. Maybe she didn’t want a boyfriend because her job had certain perks she couldn’t reveal.

  What was wrong with me? I was freaking out and imagining things that weren’t real.

  I knew I was being ridiculous, and the only way to get myself out of it was to turn it into something else. “No. All’s good with the world.”

  “I can’t talk right now. I’m about to go on. Will you call me back later? I get off at ten.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just talk to you tomorrow or something.” I don’t know what made me say it. Amber was asking me to call her later and I was treating her like I didn’t give a damn. She needed my support. What was wrong with me?

  “Okay,” she replied. “Are you mad at me for something? I got your letter this morning. It was really sweet. I do hope you call Jax. I don’t know what got into me last night, but I do appreciate you being there.”

  “I’m just trying to be a friend.” Who obviously wants way more than that word allows. I just couldn’t tell her that.

  “Please call me later. I have to go.”

  When the call ended I felt pissed off, at myself and the situation. I knew why. I just hated having to admit that’s what it was. Did I really have it that bad for this girl that I was being overprotective? Was I jealous that other guys were looking at her body when she’d asked me not to come by the club anymore?

  Yes, I was.

  I wanted Amber for myself.

  There was just one thing standing in the way, and she was adamant about keeping things on a friend level. I didn’t know how long I could play the friend card before I exploded in a giant blue ball of cum. She was giving me vibes, but retracting them when I got close. It felt as if it were never-ending.

  I spent the rest of the day working in silence. Noah was off at a doctor’s appointment with Shalan, since she was ready to pop. In the months that I’d been living at the ranch I’d tried to steer clear of the newly weds and all of their marital bliss. To be honest it made me feel uneasy. I remember when Noah was the biggest player. Now he was so fucking happy that it spilled from his pores.

  After work I went back to an empty trailer. Remnants of my brother were still around, reminding me how terrible I’d been to him. For the most part it was to get him out of my hair. I didn’t hate him. I just didn’t like him very much, and it was all because I was jealous.

  I was jealous of what they had together. I was jealous that he’d gotten the girl. Now I was jealous because other men were looking at the woman that I wanted to start a relationship with. It was all making my head spin.

  Shortly after I ate a microwave meal, I fell asleep on the couch, waking up well after midnight. On my phone were two missed calls and a text message from Amber. I contemplated waiting until morning to call her, but wondered if she was having a bad night and needed to talk to me about it.

  I sent her a text to let her know that I was sorry for missing her calls, hoping it would be enough to still have some miniscule chance of winning her over.

  Fell asleep after dinner. Is everything okay? I’m sorry. - J

  I didn’t expect Amber to reply. She was probably exhausted from the past couple days and needed to get some well-deserved rest. Plus, she still had to pack and mentally prepare for seeing her parents. I didn’t know much about them, but was finding it hard myself to sympathize with how they’d blamed Amber. We’re human. We all make mistakes. I knew if she could bring her sister back she would have. It was apparent that Meg’s death destroyed a part of her. I only wish there was something I could do to help her see that it wasn’t her fault. She needed to stop blaming herself for something she couldn’t change.

  When I thought about that my mind went right to my brother.

  Everyone makes mistakes.

  You can’t change the past.

  Maybe it was time I took my own advice and figured out a way to get past it all. Perhaps if I could show Amber that it was possible, it would give her enough hope to want to do it herself.

  Chapter 18

  Amber

  I couldn’t understand why Jax had been so short with me, but that was the least of my worries. During my dance I recognized a regular who’d given me a hard time in the past. His name was Chevy. He was in his fifties and drove a truck for a living. He’d been told to leave the premises the last time he’d been in, but that was before the owner’s wife had taken over. She hadn’t recognized him, and since I was already dancing on the stage with my clothes off, I couldn’t exactly make a big deal out of it.

  My hopes were to finish my dance and leave out the back door, instead of sticking around for extra tips. All I wanted to do was get out of there so I wouldn’t have to deal with his nonsense. I couldn’t have suspected that he would sneak to the back lot and wait for me to come outside.

  In a short flash of a second I spotted him. Before I could spin around and unlock the door to go back inside he was standing before me. His beard had grown since I saw him last, but I was one hundred percent sure it was him. “Chevy, right?” I tried to act kind, hoping it would earn me some time to plan an escape. It wasn’t that I feared he’d hurt me. It was more like he made me feel uncomfortable. The last time we’d been close he’d told me he was in love with me, and when he said it I got chills all over my body. Not the good kind either. He gave me the creeps.

  “You remembered me, baby?”

  I scooted away from him. “I do. It’s good to see you,” I lied. “I was just about to head home.”

  “I’m only here for the night. Why don’t you stay for a while?”

  “I have plans already. My boyfriend is coming over.” I had to admit that it felt good to say that and think of Jax. He was the closest I had to anything.

  “I figured you’d have gone off and found yourself a man to keep you company at night. Someone that looks like you doesn’t stay single for long. He’s a lucky man.”

  “Yeah,” I smiled. “I think so.”

  Chevy walked me to my car, but didn’t let me get in. He put his hand on the doorframe to prevent me from opening it. “How about a hug for an old friend?”

  Now this made me very uncomfortable. I was alone, in a dark parking lot. If that wasn’t enough to make me worry, I’d been sexually assaulted in the past and always assumed the worst. “I’m all sweaty. Maybe next time.”

  For a moment he stood there staring at me. I stuck my hand in my purse and tried to feel around for my pepper spray just in case I’d need to use it. All of a sudden he pushed off the vehicle and backed away. “I reckon I’ll just go on back inside then.”

  “See you next time then.” It took me about two seconds to climb in my car and lock the doors. As soon as I started the engine I pulled out of the parking lot. I knew it wasn’t that cold, but I still should have warmed the vehicle up before driving, except I wasn’t taking a chance on someone shady like that guy. I’d learned my lesson a long time ago, so I refused to make that same mistake again. The wall was put up for a reason.

  During the drive home I kept looking in my rearview mirror, making sure I wasn’t being followed. I was nervous and a bit frightened, like he’d somehow be standing there waiting for me.

  Since my mailbox was located in the parking lot, I stopped to retrieve it. While I sat in the warm vehicle I sorted through the envelopes of bills and junk, stopping at one that alarmed me. It was from the correctional facility that Seth had been assigned to.

  Quickly I opened it up, fearing what I knew it already stated. Seth was getting out nine months early. Since I’d been one of the people to make sure he was locked up, I knew he’d come after me. He’d threatened it during the hearing. If anything he’d want revenge. He was sneaky and would try to hurt me by ruining my reputation, or harming me in some way. I pictured him cutting my brake lines so I drove my car right off a cliff and fell to my death.

  I broke down right there in my vehicle, only steps away from my own front door. Nothing could stop the tears from falling, not when my life could be in danger.

  After reading the note a few more times I crumbled it up and tossed it out the window, feeling like I needed to rid myself of the remnants as if it were a bad omen.

  The text to Chris was short and to the point.

  Did you get a letter from the state today? – A

  She wrote back immediately.

  No, why? – C

  I just got a letter saying Seth is getting out early. How is this even possible? I’m going a little crazy. I feel like he’s going to come after me. – A

  I can’t believe this is happening. He should have been locked up for way longer. Don’t worry about it. He won’t come near you. He’s been kicked out of school, and I heard his parents moved to another county. – C

  Do you think it’s a mistake? Could it be some error in paperwork?– A

  Maybe. We can call in the morning. Don’t get upset about it. Lock your doors if you’re scared. I know it’s hard. – C

  I read her message three times. It was easy for Christian to say everything would be fine. She was living on a ranch with security gates and huge cowboys to defend her wherever she turned. I wasn’t that lucky.

  I didn’t even realize the direction I was taking until I was halfway down the road. I was searching for refuge; a place where I knew I’d be protected. There was only one I could think of, and if he turned me away I didn’t know what I’d do. This wasn’t about a friendship. I needed Jax because somehow or another I felt like he was the only person I could trust to do the job. In the past few days he’d been constantly on my mind, way more than a friend should. I’d seen him everyday, yet felt like it had been forever. Once I made it through the gate by being buzzed in, I drove my car down the dirt lane until I came to his dark trailer.

  Since he hadn’t answered texts from earlier that I’d sent, I wasn’t sure if there was something bothering him, not that it was going to stop me. Even as I climbed out of my car I looked around to see if anyone was following me. It was a habit that I shouldn’t have taken lightly. Three steps separated me from knocking on his kitchen door. I hadn’t noticed I was still in stilettos until I attempted it. One of my heels got stuck between the wooden slats and I fell to my knees, twisting my ankle. I had to pull my shoe off to remove it from the crack. While I clung to my injury I wailed in excruciating pain. The kitchen light came on and I saw Jax peering out the door with his hands against the glass. An outside bulb illuminated at the same time the door opened. “What the hell are you doing on the ground outside of my house after midnight?”

  I was rocking back and forth, trying to hold in another scream. “My ankle. It got stuck.”

  “Jesus Christ.” He came walking out to assess the damage. “Can you move?”

  “It’s just my ankle. My heel went right into the crack. It hurts so bad, Jax.”

  “Do you think it’s broken?” When he reached to touch it I cringed. “Okay, let’s get you inside so we can put some ice on it, unless you want me to take you to the hospital?”

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to leave the ranch, but I couldn’t tell him the reason why. There were some things he didn’t need to worry about. Just being around him made me feel safer.

  Jax lifted me up easily and carried me inside. Once he’d sat me down on the couch with my feet elevated on the coffee table, he rushed into the kitchen to get me an ice pack. Instead he came back with a frozen bag of lima beans. “Here. These work better. They conform to the shape of the injury.”

  I tried to smile through the throbbing aches. “Thanks I think.”

  While Jax squatted down in front of my sore ankle, I watched him caring for me. This was what I’d driven all this way for. “So, are you going to tell me why I just found you lying at the bottom of my porch steps in the middle of the night?”