I shrugged, unable to think of a good enough reason to use other than the truth. “There was this creepy guy at work and it freaked me out. I should go.” I stood up and tried to walk, only to fall down over top of him. Jax started laughing, while I felt completely embarrassed.

  “If you wanted to ride me all you have to do is ask. You don’t have to go to extremes like this.”

  We were face to face, with me sitting on his lap. I patted him on the chest. “You’re not funny. I feel so stupid.”

  “You came here to kiss me, didn’t you?” His snarky attitude made me smile. Granted we were sitting close enough to do it easily.

  “No.”

  He leaned forward, closer by the minute. “So if I did this you’d pull away?”

  I couldn’t move. His nose nuzzled with mine, and all I could do was close my eyes and prepare for it to happen.

  Then I felt it; his tender lips coursed over mine, teasing me to get a reaction. I was ready to let him place tender affections over my awaiting skin, but he stopped once again, like he had to be sure this was what I wanted.

  It had been so long since I kissed a man, and even longer since I felt something when it happened. I couldn’t deny this, or the way that Jax made me feel when we were alone. A week ago I would have been petrified to be in this situation. I never would have imagined that someone like him would come into my life and make me question my abstinence.

  “Tell me to stop, Amber,” he whispered against my lips. “Tell me you only want to be my friend. Please. Don’t just sit there with those eyes saying nothing.”

  “I’m afraid.”

  “What are you afraid of?” When he spoke I could feel his lips barely grazing mine.

  “Ask me something else. Ask me anything else.” My breathing was becoming heavy and something was awakening between my legs. Sensations that I hadn’t felt in forever were coming back, seemingly stronger than before.

  “I want to kiss you so fucking bad, but I feel like you’re stalling, and I don’t get why. You keep giving me mixed signals, and now you’re showing up in the middle of the night on my doorstep. I get that some guy creeped you out, and I’m cool if that’s what really happened, but I’ve got a feeling it’s something else.”

  Finally I was able to get a sentence out. “I do want to kiss you, Jax, but there’s something you need to know first.” I couldn’t keep this up any longer. He needed to know. I couldn’t string him along anymore. He deserved to know why I couldn’t stand to be touched. It was time to open the door and let my demons out.

  “And when I tell you, there’s a chance that you might not want to kiss me anymore. You might think I’m hideous, or that I’m too damaged. I just want you to know that I won’t be mad if you change your mind. However, I would really like it if you’d still be my friend. I don’t have many, and you make me feel safe. I ran to you tonight because I knew I wouldn’t have to be afraid.”

  Jax grabbed my hands and rubbed his thumbs over them. “I won’t change my mind.”

  They were the last words I heard before revealing the truth to Jax, and as I opened my mouth to speak I looked down at him embracing me and got the courage to continue.

  Chapter 19

  Jax

  It was obvious that she was tortured by something in her past; something other than her sister’s death. What I couldn’t figure out was why she thought I’d be repulsed by her. What would make her think that I could possibly change my mind about wanting to follow the connection we had?

  Then she said it, and when she did I felt a sickening jolt to the pit of my stomach; one that would consume me to a point where I felt the need to physically hurt someone.

  She took her time explaining, I presume to make it easier to get it all out at once. It was good that the story was long. It gave me a chance to take it all in and comprehend exactly what she’d been through. Even then I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  “When I came here to go to college I didn’t know anybody. Needless to say I was in a bad place. Meg was gone, and all I wanted to do was get away from my family. I made friends the first couple days, one of which was a guy. He had a girlfriend, so I didn’t even consider it being anything more. This guy was great. He showed me around campus, and introduced me to fellow classmates. He was popular. He played on the football team and was part of a fraternity. To be honest, after the first couple of weeks I was in awe of him. He had it all; money, popularity, class, and above all an entourage of friends. Since nobody knew what had happened to me before I started school, I threw myself into the cliché of college life. I went to parties and acted crazy every chance I got. One night, after a long day of binge drinking, I stayed to help my guy friend clean up. I’d like to say that he came onto me, but it’s possible it was all me. Things got hot and heavy pretty quickly after that, and once I had a taste I wanted more, even if I had to sneak around with him for it to be able to happen.”

  She got more relaxed in a seated position to rest her ankle. “What started out as little secret meetings ended up being a very serious affair. I’d fallen in love with him, unfortunately, leaving me vulnerable to every lie that came out of his mouth. He promised me we’d be together, and gave me a million stupid ass reasons why he had to wait to break up with his girlfriend. Looking back, I knew I was stupid. I should have been aware that it was all bullshit. I mean, what guy wouldn’t want pussy on the side when the person was ready and willing? He’d make me wait for him, just long enough where I had to have him. The sex became ravenous, and it was necessary for him to be in control all of the time. It wasn’t like in the beginning, where he took his time and pretended to be so caring. Being that I was so naïve, I’d put myself into a situation I couldn’t get out of. All of my friends were his friends first. I knew that none of them would take my side if I tried to bring them into our secret relationship.”

  It sounded like something me or my brother used to do, though we never allowed ourselves to commit to anything serious, until Reese came along. “Damn. I guess he never broke up with her then? Did he break your heart?” I was trying to be sympathetic. If this was all about some sappy romance then I wanted to at least pretend to care. I didn’t want her to think I was a total dick, but hearing about her being with someone else wasn’t how I saw this conversation going.

  “Not exactly. Actually,” she corrected herself. “It wasn’t like that at all. Yeah, I was in love with him. Everything he did made me crazy, but I was tired of sneaking around. He’d take me to this one place that he called our special spot. I met him there as much as I could, even if it was only for a couple of hours. I became obsessed with the idea of being his, and nothing else mattered, not even my education. After a while my friends started to figure things out. They were cool about it, none of them really getting along with his real girlfriend. As the months passed the broken promises became more frequent. He’d make an elaborate story up as to why he had to stall and I’d believe him. Then one day I snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was as if I’d woken up from a coma and seen the light for the first time. I knew he was a piece of shit that I needed to get away from, but it was easier said than done. He would show up an emotional wreck, begging me to stay in his life. I caved for a while. My willpower was weak and it was impossible to imagine being all alone again. When the bad outweighed the good, I fell into his scheme every time. Hook, line and sinker, I was right back in the same scenario.”

  “Love makes us blind to what’s going on. It’s like it prevents us from seeing the truth. I never imagined my brother could have fallen in love with Reese, because I was too infatuated with the idea that everything was so perfect.”

  “Yeah. It’s tough, but eventually I’d hit rock bottom. I pushed myself away from him, so much that I avoided him at all costs. One night he called and told me he’d broken up with his girlfriend. I’d waited so long to hear that news, so you can imagine how I was torn to see if it was true. I agreed to meet him in our secret place.” She started to tear up, recalling the events I suppose.

  “Was he lying?”

  She shook her head, seeming to need a few moments to be able to continue. I was really beginning to worry about where this was going. “Jax, I was at a point where I didn’t want him. My heart was broken, and I was working so hard to put it back together. My sister was dead from my hand, and now the only guy I’d let into my heart was a two-timing pig. I needed reprieve, so I rejected him. I pushed him away and told him I couldn’t be with him. He was drunk, and lying his ass off. In fact, I’m sure he’d just been with his girlfriend, or was meeting her afterwards.”

  “Good for you. It must have been tough.”

  She let out a fake air-filled laugh. “He didn’t take no for an answer.”

  “What do you mean? He kept trying to get back with you?”

  “No. He forced me to.” The room was silent until she started bawling. Since she’d lost me somewhere between a secret fuck-buddy and whatever else had happened, I looked to her to reiterate. “Jax, he assaulted me, in an abandoned house on campus. He was drunk off his ass when it happened. He held me down and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get free. He left me there injured and shredded apart, with no care in the world.”

  “What? Wait. You can’t. This…Amber, you’re saying you were…raped?”

  She nodded and scrunched up her face because she couldn’t hide from the pain.

  “Jesus Christ. Is that how you became friends with my cousin? Did you meet her in a group or something?”

  She peered down at her hands, unwilling to look in my direction. “No. I wish that were the case. It would make the rest of my story much easier to explain to you. This is where you’ll decide that you hate me.” She paused and gazed away from me again. I lifted her chin and forced her to look me in the eyes.

  “We may not have known each other for long, but I can promise you that I won’t hate you.” How could I hate her for being a victim? Was she crazy?

  “The next morning he didn’t even remember being with me, so naturally the attack didn’t exist in his eyes. I couldn’t tell our friends, because he’d just deny it, so I tried to bury it. I told my friends I was dating other guys, and even made up this seven date rule about having sex with people I dated. The truth was that I was out looking for jobs because I knew I couldn’t be around any of them until I figured out how to free myself from him.” Amber sniffled and closed her eyes. It was obvious this was terrible for her to talk about. “Five weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Since we hadn’t been together for a few weeks before the last encounter, it was obvious when I’d conceived. I tried to justify getting an abortion, but I felt like my sister was somehow giving me something to help me through the toughest time in my life. I felt like in some ways I could make up for her loss. It sounds horribly convoluted, but you can imagine how my ability to rationalize was off. There I was taking courses on how to help people cope, yet I was falling apart at the seams.”

  “So what happened? Obviously there’s no baby. Did you give it up for adoption?”

  She shook her head. “No. I lost the baby.” I watched her fall apart in front of me, and all I could do was pull her in close to me and hold her.

  “God, I can’t imagine what that was like for you.”

  She started speaking while still in my hold. “On top of everything going on I knew I needed to get my own place. This was the last straw. Hell or high water I had to move. I couldn’t be around everyone when they were worshipping the ground my attacker walked on. I took a job at a strip club in order to manage school and everything else. Telling my parents wasn’t an option and I couldn’t bear to disappoint them any more than I already had. The first time I stood on that stage I thought I was going to pass out. I’d never been modest, but after being attacked it made it impossible to do. I ended up taking a bunch of shots beforehand. I’m pretty sure it was the worst performance in the history of erotic dancers, but then the money started pouring in. After that first night, which I made eight hundred bucks, I realized how easy it would be to become someone else on stage. I changed my stage name to Charisma and let the money lead the way. It got easier as I went, and I learned to block out the idea of being naked in front of so many creepy men, no offense.”

  I chuckled, but only from her last comment. The first part was unbelievably hard to listen to. “I guess I was pretty creepy. I just couldn’t get over how beautiful you are. I swear, I’m not just saying this, but you’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

  She smiled as I wiped off her tears. “I appreciate you saying that. I work hard to stay in shape, because I know that my body is the reason I have a nice apartment and money of my own, though I have to admit, I’m getting tired of it. It was only supposed to be temporary. I just need it to last until school is over. Tonight freaked me out. This guy cornered me at my car. I felt like I was in danger.”

  “So you came here?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, but that’s not the only reason. It’s the rest of what happened to me that’s going to get you upset. I never told anyone about the baby, or the fact that I’d lost her. I didn’t go to meetings until months had gone by. Every night I’d drink or party until the pain was numb. Eventually I convinced myself that I wasn’t raped. I told myself that he was drunk and it was an accident. I could be in the same room with him and be cordial, because he didn’t remember any part of it. Then I began to think it was all my imagination. Maybe I was asking for it. How else could I stand on a stage and take my clothes off? I met your cousin when she moved into my old room. She seemed so nice, and innocent. I saw her hanging out with Seth, but didn’t think anything of it.” She looked down and that’s when it hit me. She’d said the name of the guy that had raped my cousin.

  “Wait. Seth, like the same Seth…”

  She interrupted. “Yes. He was who attacked me. He was who I thought I was in love with. He’s who raped Christian in the same damn house that he’d attacked me in. I didn’t know about it until a week or so later, and that’s when I knew it wasn’t a mistake. I felt so terrible about what was happening to her that I went back there and tried to end my life. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I’d killed one person and endangered another out of stupidity. She didn’t deserve that, but maybe I did, for all the bad I’d done to everyone else. I thought the world wouldn’t miss me if I was gone. I knew my parents wouldn’t.”

  Amber moved her body away from me and curled up into ball. I’d never seen a person so messed up before, and honestly I was freaking out until she started speaking again. “Ethan found me that night. He got me to the hospital and saved my life. Ever since that day I’ve done everything in my power to make up for all the wrong I’ve done. I volunteer at support groups. I serve as a sponsor to other victims. I testified in court so Christian wouldn’t have to. You see Jax, I don’t deserve to meet someone and be happy. All I bring is pain. I’m cursed. And I don’t know why I ran straight to you. I’ve done so well being alone up until you walked into my life. As much as I try to fight what is happening and keep it on the friend level, I can’t help what happens every single time you pop into my head. I’m a fucking cesspool of confusion right now.”

  If she only knew the person I saw when I looked at her. Amber wasn’t weak, she was strong and determined. Sure, she’d made mistakes, but if Christian could forgive her, so could I. “You can’t blame yourself for everything that happens. It’s not healthy. Shit happens that we have no control over.”

  Amber stood up and hobbled toward the kitchen. “I’m sorry Jax. I should just go. I shouldn’t have told you about what happened to me, but I can’t keep letting you think I was sending you mixed signals. If things were different I’d love for you to kiss me. I just can’t see myself being open to the idea of being hurt again.”

  I chased after her, catching Amber before she made it past the kitchen table. “Don’t go.” I hated saying this out loud. “Look, I get why you’re scared, but we all have demons. I told you before that I’d be your friend if that’s what you wanted, but I’m also open to taking my time. This may come as a surprise to you, but I’m not very good at doing anything at a gradual pace. This is a big deal for me if I’m saying I’m willing to try this with you. Now you can walk out that door and remain my friend. Hell, you can even stay the night and keep things platonic between us, or you can turn around and look me in the eyes and see that I’d never hurt you the way that asshole did. I may be a jock, who plays football, and has a bad record of getting around, but I’ll be honest about it. I never once cheated on my girlfriend. I was good to her. With that being said I never expected for you to come into my life. You were like a fucking angel showing up to guide me to a different path. Okay, that sounds pretty gay, but you get the drift of it. I’m just a guy, who likes a girl. We both have baggage, and it’s pretty fucked up. That doesn’t mean we can’t start over.” I was pulling things out of my ass to try to get her to stay. I didn’t know what else to do. “Come on. It’s too late to drive home. Stay the night with me, Amber. Let me at least hold you. I’ll keep the boogie man away.”

  Her makeup had run down her cheeks, and from crying, her eyes were a bright blue. Through her tears she attempted to smile. “I’m so scared, Jax. You’re on the rebound, and I’m a basket case.”

  As much as it killed me to say it, I offered her the best scenario I could think of. “Then that kiss will just have to wait a little longer, until I can prove that I’m everything you need me to be.”

  Chapter 20

  Amber

  How could I turn Jax’s offer down to stay when I knew it was the only place I wanted to be? It took me two seconds to drop my purse on the table and hobble toward him. “I guess I’m staying, but only on one condition.”