“I never said you were.” He didn’t have to. He obviously expected to sleep with me and when it happened he knew he could come back for more.

  The sound of a car that desperately needed a new muffler pulled into the parking lot. I felt comforted knowing that Ethan had arrived to save me from myself.

  I turned to walk in the direction of his car and felt Seth tug me back toward him. In an instant I was slamming against his hard chest. I tried to fight him but he pushed his lips against mine. His eyes were closed making me feel like it was personal. When I finally freed myself from his hold he seemed more content. “I always get what I want. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  I backed away. “I’m sorry. I wish things were different. Goodnight, Seth.”

  “Chris, wait. Don’t walk away from me.”

  I ignored him and headed toward the car, not wanting to look back and see the man that I was ashamed of sleeping with.

  Chapter 9

  Christian

  “What the hell were you doing with that scrub?” It was the first question Ethan asked when I climbed into the passenger seat.

  “Don’t start with me, Ethan. I’m not in the mood.”

  “Dude, I watched him kiss you. Why am I here if you were clearly on a date?”

  “I said I don’t want to talk about it. Please. It’s been a terrible day.” I covered my face with my hands while we pulled out of the parking lot. “Sorry. I’m not tryin’ to start a fight.”

  “How long have you been seein’ that jackass?”

  It wasn’t Ethan’s fault that I was in this predicament, but I wasn’t about to give him all of the details. Some things were better left unsaid. “I’m not seein’ him. Are you goin’ to give me the third degree? I’d just as soon walk if you are.”

  “Whoa. Defensive much? Who crawled up your ass today?”

  “Addy’s fucked up on drugs. It’s bad. My parents are sendin’ her to rehab. Dinner was horrible, and now Noah’s postponin’ the weddin’ again. Everything’s a mess, and on top of that I may have just ruined my chances of ever bein’ friends with my new roommates.”

  “How so?” He asked.

  “It’s a long story. Besides, we agreed not to talk about people we get involved with.”

  “So you’re involved?” He beat his hand to the beat of the song that was playing as he spoke. With his eyes focused on the road he waited for my response.

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s never happenin’ again.”

  “You screwed Seth didn’t you? You’re such a hussy!” He teased.

  I smacked him on the arm. “Shut up. You have no room to talk. How many girls have you banged in the past two years?” For a while it used to hurt me severely to think about him being with other people. I’d learned to live with the jealousy because it was the only way our friendship would survive. It was also another reminder of how much he’d always meant to me.

  “That’s beside the point. I’m a guy. You’re a sweet woman of innocence. You can’t let a guy like Seth deflower you.”

  “Oh my God, stop! Deflower? Did you just say that? We both know who deflowered me, and it wasn’t Seth.”

  He patted me on the leg. “It was my pleasure by the way. Your cherry will always be mine.”

  “You’re so sick.”

  “You love me. Stop bitchin’.”

  We pulled up in front of my house, and I looked down at my knees. “I don’t even feel like talkin’ to any of them.”

  Ethan turned away from the curb and began driving again. He reached over and took my hand, the same one I’d had down Seth’s pants. As he clenched it I felt horrible. “You can spend the night with me, but no funny stuff, and you better not try somethin’, because I ain’t into sloppy seconds.”

  “I wouldn’t even -.”

  “I might, because it’s you, so make sure you don’t let me. Tonight I’m your best friend with no benefits.”

  I laughed and looked out the window. “You’re hopeless.”

  “There’s hope for me out there somewhere. I just haven’t found it yet.” He paused for a second. “Oh, just to warn ya, I’ve got company, but I’ll kick her ass out as soon as we get there.”

  “Who is it this week?” I had to ask. Ethan may not have been a jock, albeit his good qualities were obvious to other women. His dark blonde hair was longer, almost always hanging out of the John Deere hat he wore. His parents were also farmers, giving us a common connection both academically and with our family life. Ethan was on a scholarship, but he didn’t have to work hard. His intelligence was hidden by his witty sense of humor. Though apparent in his GPA, he was always a fun person to be around. It was another reason why he never had trouble getting laid. Ethan was the whole package, and I’d never regret him being my first. “I don’t have to come over and ruin your night.”

  “Yes you do.”

  I rolled my eyes. Even if I started an argument with him, he’d still insist that I stay over. In this case I needed him. He was my rock; the one person who could make all of my frustrations disappear.

  It took him less than two minutes to send his new conquest on her way. She didn’t exit without giving me looks of disapproval, not that I cared. Everyone on campus saw the two of us together. It was no secret that we were friends. If they wanted to imply we were a couple I wasn’t going to correct them. To them Ethan was just another college guy looking for play, but to me he was so much more. Our friendship meant everything to me, and his support was my lifeline.

  Once we were in his apartment with the door shut, he pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. “Sorry you had a bad day.”

  “Is it okay to hate myself?”

  “It’s not okay, and I’ll tell you why.” He sat us down on his bed before continuing. “You’re smart, and somewhat sexy, probably a little more than somewhat, but whose judgin’?”

  I shoved him down flat on the bed, immediately feeling a rush of anxiousness. He must have seen how I responded and sat back up abruptly. “Be nice to me.”

  “I’m always nice to you, Chris. I only pick on you because I love ya.”

  We said those words a lot, but they weren’t romantic. Our friendship was special, and we loved each other as friends, so I reminded myself on a daily basis. It was hard after being in real love with the guy. I wished things were different. Even after sleeping with Seth my heart would always defer to Ethan. He knew me like no other could, and for that I’d forever care about him.

  When Ethan got up and held out his hand I was a little confused. “We just got here.”

  “I’m gettin’ a shower. Come with me.”

  I gave him the stink eye. “No way. I’m not goin’ to divulge details, but I can’t get a shower with you. I refuse to be that girl.”

  “Jesus, Chris, I ain’t askin’ you to put out. Share some water with me. Save the environment one gallon at a time. I’ve seen you naked, and you’ve seen what God graced me with. Stop bein’ a prude. You need my attention, and I need a shower.”

  I slowly got up and followed him into the bathroom. Even though I knew we weren’t going to do anything, it was still hard for me to imagine that I’d be naked in front of two different men in a matter of only a few hours.

  From the moment the water hit my body I felt a rush of relief. Ethan kept his distance shampooing his hair, while I stood there hoping the water would wash away all of the bad. With my eyes closed I got startled when two warm hands touched my shoulders. He pulled me close, running the bar of soap over my neck. Instead of letting him continue, I placed my head against his chest and started to bawl. “Don’t cry, Chris. You’re safe.”

  “I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. It’s so easy for you to make friends. All I wanted was attention. I wanted to know what it felt liked to be wanted.”

  He backed away and lifted my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “I tell you I want you all the time.”

  “That’s not what I mean. You and I are… I don’t even know what you’d call it. This was different. He was interested, really interested in spendin’ time with me. I thought I had a chance. I believed that my life was goin’ to change. He’d introduce to me his friends, and I’d finally be able to walk across that damn campus with a smile on my face because I’d know people.”

  “You didn’t? Please tell me you didn’t screw that douche for popularity?”

  He knew me so well. I looked down feeling utterly disgusted in myself. “It doesn’t even matter.”

  My chin was being lifted again, and I knew I had to look him in the eye and face the consequences. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you see how special you already are?”

  I pulled out of his hold and leaned against the shower wall. My knees were too weak to stand up on my own. Admitting that I’d stooped to a whole new level in order to be accepted was harsh. “I didn’t just let him in my room and drop my panties, if that’s what you think.”

  He leaned against the opposite side and crossed his arms. For a second I thought about how comfortable we were with each other, and how neither of us was staring at our obvious exposed body parts. “I’d hope not, since you made me wait for years to get some.”

  “That’s different! Besides, I’d hardly call it years. After our first kiss it was pretty fast.” I snapped. “Don’t compare the two.”

  “Why? Because if your time with me was more special you might as well start prayin’ for forgiveness for your lies.”

  “It was,” I whispered as another bout of emotions washed over me. Ethan was giving me shit and I didn’t understand why. He’d slept with other girls, and been the one to make it clear we were only friends. “Why are you bein’ like this? You had a girl here tonight, but that’s okay?”

  He let out an air-filled laugh. “Forget it, Christian.”

  Hearing him say my whole name gave me butterflies. He never said that unless it was important. When Ethan began walking out of the shower I caught his arm. “Please don’t be mad at me. You’re all I have.”

  His brows remained furrowed, and I could have sworn that he was hurt, even though I knew he’d tell me if he was. “I’ll sleep on the couch, you can have the bed.” It was the only words out of his mouth as he exited the bathroom, leaving me vulnerable and alone.

  I’d often wondered what made women break in movies and sink down to the shower floor, but as my butt hit the cold tile I finally understood their pain. Even though I could say that Seth was handsome, interesting, and someone I’d totally date, I’d made a terrible mistake, not once but twice.

  Ethan left me to suffer in my own pool of misery, not coming in to check on me like I expected him to. It was obvious he was angry at me for my choices, but couldn’t see how it was any different from how he made me feel when he was with one of his easy lays. I was just as human as him, and obviously nowhere near perfect. We all had skeletons in our closet, and if that was the only terrible mistake I made in my life it wasn’t that horrible anyway.

  I took my time finishing up in the shower. Between my sobs and the fact that even my safe place wasn’t enough, I thought about going back to my house. Sure, there’d be questions and whispers behind my back, but it had to be better than looking in Ethan’s eyes and seeing nothing. It was another cold reminder of how much that love I had for him still existed, even though I promised it wouldn’t. The truth was that being best friends with him was one-sided. I longed for more, but knew it would never happen, so settling was the only answer, no matter how undignified it was to live with.

  Chapter 10

  Christian

  His bed smelled of him, even though he wasn’t in it. I curled my body, hugging my knees while my sniffles finally settled. Ethan was just in the next room, albeit I didn’t dare seek him out. Whether he was pissed or just plain disappointed, I couldn’t face him. The best thing for me was punishing myself until regret was all that remained.

  According to the blinking clock an hour had passed. The room was quieter than I remembered it ever being, making me feel alone. At least if I’d gone home I could hear the whispers. This was agonizing.

  Out of nowhere I heard my phone vibrating. Since the room was so quiet I jumped up to get it before it annoyed Ethan. The number was Seth’s and my stomach dropped as I hit the ignore button and turned off the device. It wasn’t the phone calls that were going to drive me mad as much as seeing him in class. I couldn’t look him in the eye after what we’d done. I’d given him head in a movie theater for Christ sakes. If that wasn’t the lowest point in my life I don’t know what was.

  As much as I would have liked to be strong and face that I’d made the decisions that had led me down this path, I simply couldn’t shake the ill feeling they gave me. After climbing back into the bed I struggled with my emotions once more. Even though I attempted to hide my sniffles, it was obvious that if Ethan was awake he could hear me. Despite the fact that I was covered and completely warm, my body trembled. I hated my life. No matter how hard I tried I’d always be the woman that was awkward. My desperate attempt for recognition was a complete failure. I’d never be popular, or the woman that men lined up in front of for a chance to date. My aspirations of being someone else were fading away, leaving me lower than I’d ever been before. Even my own best friend hated being around me.

  Knowing that I’d never be able to sleep, I climbed out of the comfortable bed and gathered my things. It was a long walk but I’d make it just fine. At this point it wouldn’t even be a loss if I didn’t. Sure, my parents would miss me, and Ethan would probably shed a tear, but he’d easily replace me. Hell, he probably only kept me around because he felt sorry for my struggles. It was embarrassing knowing that I’d poured my heart out to him and he hadn’t returned the feelings. I should have known back then that our friendship was doomed.

  Ethan would wake up and wonder where I’d gone, so I chose to leave him a note.

  I went home to sulk in my own misery. Sorry I bothered you with my problems and ruined your night. It’s obvious that I’ve somehow destroyed this friendship. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for falling for you and ruining everything we had. If I could take it back I would, because I couldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. I won’t call you to save me anymore. I’ll figure it out on my own. I knew college would tear us apart. You’re too great to stick around with a nobody like me. Thanks for everything, but I can’t keep pretending I’m happy. It’s best if I focus on school and nothing else for a while.

  Love- Chris

  I’d made it to the front door before stalling to catch my breath. My feelings for Ethan had suddenly overwhelmed me. My heart ached imagining him not being a part of my life. I knew he didn’t love me the way I loved him, but was I willing to sever everything because of that?

  I had to.

  I couldn’t keep doing all of this myself. My schoolwork would come first, and I’d stay focused on that until graduation. Once I was out of college I could start my life over somewhere else. Until then I was going to pretend that my heart was intact, and that I hadn’t just lost my very best friend.

  Ethan

  After all this time she still didn’t get it.

  Christian Mitchell wasn’t just any girl.

  She was THE girl.

  I’d known it from the moment she walked into my life so many years ago. Her mouth full of braces, and a big red pimple at the tip of her nose was my first impression, but I’d seen beauty.

  We were paired as chemistry partners. Her voice was like an angel, and those green eyes captivated my soul. I suppose I could have told her how I felt. I could have asked her out, knowing she felt the same way, but I knew better. This girl was too special to get lost in some adolescent romance. Statistics told me it wouldn’t last, and I knew I’d be the one to mess up.

  There was only one way to keep her in my life forever; one way I knew I’d never lose her.

  I think for a long time I assumed that she’d always stick with me until I got my shit together. In some perverted way I hoped she’d remain single so I didn’t have to watch her fall for someone else. I knew she loved me, it was never a big secret since we discussed pretty much everything. I just always selfishly thought she’d wait for me.

  I may have screwed around, sleeping with chicks that were willing, but they’d never hold a candle to her. They’d never be able to fill the place that I knew would always be hers.

  I’d called her the night before because I was tired of waiting. Thinking she was finally coming out of her shell to get to know her new roommates, I didn’t give her a hard time about it. I never could have imagined that she’d go out and be with another guy, especially Seth. I didn’t think she’d find him interesting, especially enough to allow him into her bed.

  I joked it off as much as I could, while inside I felt like I was being stabbed by a thousand daggers. Saving her from the bad date gave me empowerment, but it was short-lived. I should have known from that first moment that something was different. If anyone could read her it was me. All of the signs were there. I should have known she’d fucked him. It was just too hard to accept.

  This woman that I’d put on a pedestal had betrayed my heart and she didn’t even know it. I’m not going to lie when I say it took everything in me not to come clean. The damage was done though. She’d slept with another man, and although I had my own skeletons, I couldn’t look at her the same way anymore. My perfect girl had been tainted. How was I to look at her and not feel destroyed inside? How was I supposed to look myself in the mirror and know that I could have prevented this from happening?

  While in the shower I tried to be understanding. The brutal truth was that I needed her to be close to me. In other words, I needed to reclaim her in some caveman kind of way. Christian wasn’t like the other girls I slept with. She’d been my first for a reason. She and I shared something that other people couldn’t understand. We’d always been outcasts in school because we were smart. It was a shame that our intelligence had been the reason for failed relationships with our peers. High school is a hard place for a nerd to fit in.