My body lurched forward until my arms were around his crouched body. “I’m so sorry, Rusty.” I could feel hot tears building in my own eyes. I pictured this healthy little girl smiling, and then her being gone. The agony that he must have gone through every single day since then had to take a toll on him. “I can’t imagine what you must have felt that day.”

  “I just don’t understand why. I was a good father. I protected her, and made sure she wasn’t ever scared. To this day it haunts me when I think about the way she looked in that hospital bed. It was like she knew I couldn’t save her. I’ve never felt someone’s fear before that day. I’ve never felt pain until that moment she took her last breath.”

  My cheeks were wet as I continued to try to fight my own emotions. Being pregnant didn’t make it any easier. Then I realized why he’d brought me here. I knew exactly what he was trying to force me to see, and any ill feelings I had for the man were suddenly gone. “She knew you were there with her, Rusty. That has to count for somethin’.”

  “This is the first time I’ve been here. I couldn’t come before, because it only makes it all play out in my head again. I hate myself for wanting to forget her. I just don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel the constant ache that I have for her.”

  I pulled him closer and let the grown man cry. “I get it, Rusty.”

  He moved back and looked up at me. His eyes were so glossed over I wondered if he could actually see me as he spoke. “Do you? Can you understand how life is precious?”

  “Of course. Look, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. That’s why I didn’t go directly inside.” He was questioning my ability to be compassionate. I had to stay calm to be able to comfort him without getting defensive.

  “You don’t know how lucky you are. A child is a beautiful blessing. When you think your life is over, you’ll have that one person that’s going to love you unconditionally. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t give to have just more day with her. I’m begging you, Isabella, please don’t give up that chance at happiness. Even if it’s only for a little amount of time, being a parent is the most wonderful gift.”

  A rush of painful emotions hit me all at once. The fact that I’d even considered making that appointment said a lot about my faith in my family, and myself.

  Then Rusty moved to the side. There wasn’t just one name on the headstone.

  He looked from me to the gravestone and I watched his body sag. “My wife couldn’t take the loss of our daughter. She couldn’t handle any of it. On the day that our daughter passed away she fainted. The doctor gave her some pills to relax, so we’d be able to make arrangements and such. When we arrived at the funeral home she used the ladies room and never came back out. She took the whole bottle, and sat on the cold floor with a picture of our daughter in her hands.”

  I covered my mouth with my hands. “Oh no.”

  He cried harder as he attempted to finish. “She just wanted to be with our daughter again. She couldn’t live without her.”

  What was I supposed to say to him? I didn’t know where to begin. He’d brought me our here to save a life, while drudging up the memories of something that no person should ever have to endure. “I am so so sorry.” It was all I could come up with. While fighting my own tears I sat there watching him break down over the loss of his family. I wondered how many nights he’d sat awake wondering what could have been if they’d both lived. I thought about him being alone in that old trailer, and how he’d preferred to bottle up all of that pain for so long.

  It made me feel like the devil. I’d flaunted my perfect life in front of him, while he desperately tried to communicate. He’d been so kind to me, while living with a secret that ripped him apart.

  A wave of regret hit me, causing me to get up and leave him sitting there alone. I couldn’t handle it any longer. It was as if I’d known them and watched it all fall apart. I was living through his memories of them, experiencing what he went through firsthand. It was all too much to bear.

  One thing was for certain as I watched him from afar. I was going to keep my baby, and treasure every single moment of that child’s life, because it was a blessing. My family was going to have to help me, and they wouldn’t be happy about it, but I didn’t care.

  Chapter 12

  Rusty

  When I started driving, I hadn’t considered what it would be like for me. I couldn’t have known that I’d break

  down in front of her like that. Even when I was losing control of my emotions, I could feel her responding in a way that she’d never done before.

  For the first time she trusted me. All it took was for me to bear my soul to her.

  She needed to know, though. She needed to know how precious life was, so that any inclination of wanting an abortion would be gone forever.

  After I’d broken down and told her about my family, she gave me some time to be alone. It was difficult for me to be there, knowing that beneath me in the ground were the two people that I’d loved more than life itself.

  I wished that I could hate my wife for taking her own life, but understood why she felt it necessary to do so. Living every single day, waking up and knowing they were gone, was my own personal hell. For so long I’d been alone, never wanting to get close to anyone, in fear of losing them. I’d made peace with living in seclusion, because it gave me a sense of security.

  Then I saw her one day from afar. She was feeding one of the horses an apple, while I stood in the stables watching. Even before I peered into those familiar green eyes, I was attracted to something else. She had this contagious smile, and when she was all by herself, she’d hold her head up high, as if nothing could bring her down.

  Things had changed since that first day she’d caught my eye. Isabella had gone through a lot, and it had taken a toll on the way she carried herself.

  I don’t know why I thought taking her to my family’s gravesite would somehow bring her to change her mind. I suppose that for a little while I lost my ability to rationalize with what I was doing. The moment I saw her so torn up in front of that clinic I knew that nothing was going to stop me until I had my point across.

  The problem with my theory was that there were going to be after effects. Isabella knew my secret, and it was only a matter of time before the whole Mitchell family found out. Then I’d be faced with a decision. I could face the life that I’d left behind, or move on to another place where my past wouldn’t come back to haunt me.

  For the time being, my focus had to stay on Isabella. She wouldn’t admit that she needed me, but I knew otherwise.

  When I finally gained enough courage to move, I noticed that she was standing against my truck. I walked slowly, trying to think of something to say the lighten the mood. In my sudden situation I knew that nothing was going to work. It was a good thing that she took the lead. “Hey. How about we get somethin’ to eat. My treat.”

  In that moment I knew that this whole ordeal had turned the tables on who was the vulnerable one. Isabella felt sorry for me, and she was willing to be nice to make it easier to cope.

  At any rate, I wanted to be around her as much as possible. “Sure. That sounds nice.”

  My old hometown remained the same as the day I’d left it. I drove on the outskirts, avoiding passing by where I used to live with my wife and child. I’d already suffered enough for one day. To make sure that I didn’t see anyone I knew, I took her to an old truck stop that served breakfast twenty-four hours. I could tell that she was fine with it when she started talking about one that she’d been to a long time ago with her parents.

  By the time the waitress came to our table I’d heard all about their road trip that they took one summer. It was nice hearing her talk about details in her life. Had it been one day earlier I would have only gotten a wave. Somehow confessing my tragedy had changed the way she acted around me.

  “I’m sorry again for today. I had no right to put you through that. I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t find it comforting that you saw me lose it like that.”

  She reached cross the table and touched my hand. “It’s okay. I totally understand.”

  I could have played the hand that I’d been dealt with two ways.

  I could take advantage of the situation and manipulate her into liking me, or I could face the facts and understand that she was doing this out of pity. Either way it was a loss for my ego. No matter how I tried to spin it I knew she didn’t like me, and that she’d never be interested. If I wanted this girl’s attention, I was going to have to get it some other way.

  “This town is pretty nice. I would have never pegged you for living in Indiana.”

  I took a sip of soda and laughed at the way she was looking at me. It was strange to have her trying to read me.

  “This was where my wife’s family is from. I lived in Maryland up until I was fifteen. We moved to Indiana when my father sold his company. I met Simone in college.”

  She cut me off before I could continue telling her my story. “Wait. Did you just say you went to college?”

  “Yeah. I went to college.” “And you’re workin’ on a ranch, shovelin’ shit for a livin’?” I chuckled and messed around with the glass, trying to avoid

  answering. When I looked up she gave me this look like she wasn’t going to let up until I told her everything. “I left that life behind me a long time ago, Iz.”

  She put her head down and sighed. “I don’t blame you. I don’t know what I would have done if I were in your shoes, Rusty. I feel like this whole day is my fault.”

  “It’s not. I think it’s something I needed to do for myself.” “Does my cousin know about any of this?” I didn’t want to be considered a liar, but I certainly couldn’t

  make up enough excuses to justify keeping my past from my employer. If anyone should have known what I’d been through it was him. “He doesn’t know anything, and I’d really appreciate it if he didn’t find out. Some things are left buried, especially when they pertain my sanity.”

  “I get it. I can’t blame you. My family can be nosey. You’re lucky Noah isn’t like his daddy. He’s more withdrawn. I think as long as you keep doin’ a good job he’ll never ask.”

  “What about your secret,” I quickly changed the subject. “When do you plan on telling him, and the rest of your family?”

  She shrugged, and I watched her face scrunch up. “I don’t know. I suppose that I could tell Shalan, or maybe my grandmother, but everyone else won’t support me. I think it would be best if I just waited until after my first trimester was over. That way they can’t try to talk me out of it. If I’m really goin’ to go through with this pregnancy than I have a lot of things I need to figure out. I’m not ready to deal with their added stress. This is too big of a change to have to adapt to.”

  I folded my hands and leaned forward. “I’m going to let you in on a secret about becoming a parent. No matter how much you try to prepare, you’re never really ready. You’re going to be a great mother. The moment you hold him or her in your arms for the first time you’ll know what I’m talking about. It really is the most beautiful moment of my life.”

  Right away I thought about the worst moment of my life. I still wasn’t sure which hurt the worse; losing Simone, or Sydney. I’d never want to compare one to the other, but it was literally an unforgettable prolonged pain. To deal with their losses at the same time was horrendous. I went through the motions, with no real life coming out of me. For the most part I was dead inside. How anyone expected me to pick up those pieces and move forward was beyond my reasoning. They obviously had no idea what it was like to wake up one day and be without air. They couldn’t fathom what it felt like to look around my house and see only reminders of them everywhere.

  I had to leave it all behind, because I couldn’t handle it any longer. It was either leave that life or put a bullet in my skull.

  “Do you have a picture of them?” Her question sent immediate chills to my spine. Opening my wallet had become a chore, because I knew their faces were always inside. Reluctant, I pulled it open and pushed it across the table.

  Her eyes increased in size when she saw in the pictures what I’d been seeing every time I looked at her. The resemblance was so similar, and there was no denying it.

  “Oh my God. We could be sisters.”

  I played with my hands, contemplating the notion of talking about it further. “Yeah. You can imagine what it was like for me to see you from afar on that first day. I was a bit freaked out.”

  “I bet. They’re both very beautiful.” She started to laugh. “Is that conceited?”

  I actually found humor in her question, enough to break a smile myself. “No. Even though you resemble each other, you’re very different. Simone was a wonderful mother. In fact, there was nothing she wouldn’t do for our daughter, but she was quiet, and somewhat shy. She liked the idea of the three of us living in a secluded cabin, where we didn’t have to associate with society.”

  “That sounds like a beautiful life.”

  I paused. It would have been beautiful, and I would have tried my best to give it to her, had she not taken her life. “I reckon it would have been, had she stuck around.”

  “I’m sorry again for what you’ve had to endure. There’s no real words I can say to you that will put a dent in the pain you’ve suffered.” She looked down at the table, just when the waitress brought us our food.

  For a couple minutes we both got started eating. I supposed I could have left the conversation alone, and forgotten about the way it was getting to me again, but opening up to someone after so long, especially with Isabella, made me feel alive. It reminded me that I was still living and breathing.

  “It’s been hard for me, Iz. Can I call you that now?” I waited for her response.

  “Sure. I’m gettin’ used to it.”

  “Anyway, it’s been trying at times. For the first few months I completely shut down. My parents did their best, but it was a lost cause. I stopped working, and eventually lost the house. I let it go into foreclosure; lost everything because I couldn’t cope. Once I had to move back into their house they did everything they could to get me out of my coma-like state.”

  She took a bite of food and spoke at the same time. Some would have been offended by her table mannerism, but I found it cute how comfortable she instantly felt being around me. “How did you get better? What made you up and leave?”

  “I heard my parents fighting. They were discussing how I’d ruined my life. I know they didn’t mean it to be offensive, but I took it the worst way possible. In the middle of the night I packed a bag and left. For a while I just drove around, doing odd and end jobs to stay afloat. Then my bank account ran dry, and I knew that I could either be homeless or find something more permanent. I’ve always loved horses, and spent my summers working with a trainer, so I knew enough to make an impression on your cousin. He gave me a week to show him progress, and after I did he offered me the position. I never looked back after that, and even though they’re still on my mind almost every second of the day, I was able to start living again, well the best I could of course.” I looked down at my food and shook my head from side to side. “I can’t believe that I’m telling you all of this.”

  “It’s okay. Really. I’m glad you’re able to talk about it. That’s got to be progress. Don’t you think?” I shouldn’t have looked into her eyes. The moment I did I felt all kinds of confused. She must have sensed it too. “I have to ask you somethin’, Rusty, and I don’t want you to take offense to it.”

  “Ask away.” I already knew the question. I could see it in her body language. I’d watched her enough to know when she was nervous, scared, or confused.

  “It’s obvious that you have some kind of attraction to me. At times it’s been a little creepy, but I get it now. I guess I’m just wonderin’ if you feel the way you do because I look so much like her? I wouldn’t blame you if it was true. I’d probably feel that way if I was in your shoes. It’s like gettin’ a second chance in some ways.”

  I couldn’t look at her when I answered. It wasn’t just a personal question she was asking. My answer could affect our friendship in the future. I had to be careful with my choice of words. “At first it was. I’m not going to lie. One look at you and I did feel like I was getting a second chance with Simone. It was short lived though. I mean, I knew you were someone else. Then I saw you screaming at your cousin and knew for sure that you were nothing like her. It only took me being around you a couple more times to realize that my attraction to you went beyond the resemblance. I wanted to know that indecisive woman that spoke her mind, and yet always seemed confused. I wanted to be there when you were down, and do whatever it took to make you smile. Being around you helps me want to live again.” I put up my hands so she wouldn’t get freaked out, or try to cut me off. “I get that you’re not into me that way. I know I’m ten years older than you, and that your family would send me packing if I tried to pursue anything more than a friendship, but I also know that I’d be lying if I tried to deny it.”

  Isabella put her fork down on the table and placed her hands flat on either side of her plate. “I would have thought that gettin’ knocked up by another man would change your opinion of me.”

  “You’re in love with the guy. Why would that change the way I feel?”

  “I was in love with him. There’s a huge difference. As far as he goes, I hope his dick falls off. He doesn’t deserve to be happy, not after the shit he pulled on me.”

  I started to laugh. She smiled and cocked her head to the side. “What’s so funny?” she asked.