“Please leave, Jax. I mean it. We’re through. I hope one day you’ll forgive me and we can be friends. I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

  Tears rolled down his cheeks. I couldn’t stand it. Without his permission I sat back down beside him and reached my arm around his body. “I can’t believe this shit.”

  “I wish things were different. I tried to be a good girlfriend. I really did.”

  He turned and faced me. His expression had changed to be very serious. “You’re the best girlfriend, Reese. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Please don’t do this. We can work out our kinks. I’ll spend more time with you. I’ll stop playing video games. I’ll even get Jake to stop being a dick when you’re around.”

  Bringing up his name only made this worse. “This has nothing to do with Jake,” I lied.

  “You said you loved me,” he repeated.

  “I know. I do. It’s just not the way you need me to, not anymore.”

  “How did this happen? We were so happy.”

  “You were happy. I was just settling. Jax think about it. You like to party and have fun out with friends. I enjoy staying in my room and reading a good book. You spend half of your life on a football field. Until we started dating I’d never watched a single game. I changed so much for you that I lost part of myself. I can’t pretend to be happy. I’d rather be miserable than be someone I’m not.”

  “What about this weekend? I need you there, Reese. You’re my lucky charm. I need you to be there with me.”

  I didn’t know how that would work, but I at least owed it to him to stay supportive. It was only one game. “I’ll be there. I wouldn’t let you down. I still want to be a part of your life.”

  “I love you so much, baby. Maybe you’ll change your mind. I’ll-.”

  “Jax, please. Let’s just take it day by day.”

  He stood up unexpectedly. “I need to get out of here.”

  I followed him to my door. “Are you going to be okay?”

  “I just need to get out of here,” he repeated again. Since I’d never seen Jax emotional I had no idea what to expect. “Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah,” he waved his hand around. “Whatever you want.”

  I was sorry, immensely sorry, for breaking not just his heart, but Jake’s as well. As soon as Jax left the room sulking I raced to call Jake. He had to know that what he saw was a mistake. I never wanted to hurt him. He needed to know that I’d do anything to be with him.

  “Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something.” I heard shuffling after the weird way he’d answered. “Why don’t you go over there and kiss your friends. I’ll be right with you.”

  “Jake.” Was I hearing him right? Was he really in the middle of THAT?

  “Make it quick. I’ve got three chicks across from me making out. Dude, get your ass back here and enjoy this with me.” Oh my god, he thought I was his brother. He was actually inviting him to join them.

  What a pig!

  “This isn’t Jax, you asshole!”

  “Asshole? Fuck you!” I deserved this type of treatment, but not the girls on top of it.

  I couldn’t let him hang up without explaining. Getting his attention was the only way for that to happen. “No fuck you! How could you?”

  “How could I? How could you? You ruined me. You fucking ruined my life. What kind of person comes between two brothers like that? I thought you loved me. You’re nothing but a fucking liar.”

  Why was he saying this to me? Did he think that I’d lied about everything? I gave him all of me. I sacrificed everything. “Oh I’m a liar. You told me to sleep with him.”

  “I didn’t tell you to fuck him on my bed. I heard you, Reese. You told him you loved him, ON MY BED. You spread your legs wide open and let him have his way, and you liked it. Did I even cross your mind? Did you think of me at all while he was fucking the shit out of you, or are you that evil that you didn’t even care?”

  I fell to the floor and started sobbing. I could barely hear what he was saying because of my own emotions.

  “Jake, please. That’s not what happened.”

  “Listen to me, Reese, because I’m not going to repeat myself again. Stay the fuck away from me. We’re done. D.O.N.E. Done!”

  I didn’t have a chance to respond. He’d already hung up and let me know that there was never going to be an ‘us’. I’d broken Jax’s heart for nothing. Sure, it wasn’t right to stay with him, but I didn’t have to crush him the way I had. I’d done it all for Jake and he no longer wanted me.

  My heart wasn’t just broken from loving one man. I was traumatized from losing them both within a matter of minutes. I couldn’t conceive that in such little time everything I loved was gone.

  In all honesty I didn’t know what to do. As much as I wanted to run to their room I had nothing to say. Jake was acting out because I’d hurt him. I deserved that, all of it.

  I kept bawling, and as the time passed it got worse. I imagined what Jake was thinking when he walked in on me and his brother. I kept seeing his face in my mind and it made me cringe. He didn’t deserve to see that, and I was a fool for thinking I could do it without emotions.

  Like the crack of a whip, I’d tortured each brother without knowing it. They’d never be the same, especially Jake. He’d never trust another woman, or want to put his beautiful heart on the line. He’d never know how much I loved him, or what I was willing to do to make him all mine.

  I’d sold my soul, and committed actions I’d never be proud of. My innocence was gone, and with it went the tattered pieces of my heart. The saddest part about it all was that I never knew love could be so powerful until Jake showed me. Our connection was undeniable. The obstacles we faced were manageable. I thought we could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope that we could share a future together.

  I may have ended things with Jax, but Jake had broken up with me, and I was consumed with agonizing regret. Nothing could help me through this, because I didn’t even want to be helped. I didn’t deserve it.

  Chapter 26

  Jake

  How does one fall out of love with someone? Is that even possible? Is the burden of it all worth the risks? As I watched my brother’s anguish and felt my own, I couldn’t image how anyone would want to feel this kind of hurt.

  Unlike the way I expressed my emotions, Jax held his in until he broke. He’d get quiet and then start throwing things around the room. The worst feeling of all was knowing I had a part in his demise.

  We’d didn’t leave our room, or talk about the three girls we could have screwed. After telling me that Reese had broke up with him, I honestly didn’t know what to say. If she loved him so much than why would she go and do that?

  What bothered me more was how she was trying to argue with me about what I saw. Could I have been mistaken?

  I shook off the thought, knowing that it would only blow up in my face again. I had to stop this, because I honestly couldn’t take anymore. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

  We didn’t keep a large stock of liquor in our room, so once my buzz wore off I laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Thoughts of her filled my mind again. The hardest part was imagining the pain she was going through herself. I hated caring, yet couldn’t stop myself from doing it. All of this pain had been my fault. I’d brought this on all of us. My love was a curse.

  Practice the next morning was unimaginably difficult. I struggled to make basic catches, and everyone could tell Jax wasn’t himself. Our own teammates took him down with sacks more in a couple hours than he’d had in his whole time playing quarterback.

  When it was over the coach pulled us into his office. He demanded to know what our problem was, and how we were going to fix it. I did the talking, telling him that we had a family matter to tend to overnight and we were just tired from being up. We both apologized and headed to the showers, feeling like death had won us over.

  Upon arriving back at our dorm, we started packing for our away game. Jax’s new replacement phone had arrived, but he hadn’t even opened the box. When we had our stuff together, he wrapped up his video game system neatly, almost like he was saying goodbye to it. The whole thing was weird and I didn’t even want to ask what was going on there.

  “Should I call her,” Jax asked.

  I leaned forward on my bed and threw up my hands. “Who knows?”

  “She said she’d call me. Has she called your phone?”

  “No.” I wasn’t certain if that irritated me or not. I could be hard to deal with, and the things I’d said to her were pretty harsh. If she was strong enough she’d hate me forever. “It would help if you turned the new phone on, dip shit.”

  “Look, I’m trying not to be such a pussy, but it’s hard. I feel like a have a vagina. Is this what your period feels like? Am I menstruating?”

  “You’re pathetic! Turn on the damn phone and just call her. I’m sure she’ll be nice.”

  “You didn’t hear her last night. She cut me with an invisible knife. She shoved the dagger in and twisted the hell out of it.”

  His description made me snicker. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make fun of you, but I can picture it happening.”

  “Yeah, ain’t that some shit?”

  “Jax, just call her.”

  I watched him open the delivery box and get the phone activated. He dialed her number and took a deep breath before lifting it up to his ear.

  Maybe I should have got up and left the room to give him some privacy. I think I needed to know she was okay too. I had a class late in the afternoon, but was debating on skipping it. I couldn’t see her without feeling something I was hell-bent on getting past.

  “Hey, Reese. It’s me.”

  He put it on speaker and looked down at the phone like she was going to come through it. “Hi. I was just thinking about you. Are you okay?”

  I tried hard to not feel a bit jealous. She was worried about my brother, but not me. Had she thought about me? Was I even important to her?

  “I’m shitty. I’m not even going to bullshit you. I want you back, baby. I hate this.”

  “Jax, we talked about this last night.” She sniffled before continuing. “This isn’t easy for me. I hate hurting you.”

  “Yeah, well you’ve got a terrible way of showing you care.”

  “Can I call you back later? I’m headed to class.”

  “I guess. I’ll just be sitting here, alone, in my bed.” He was sulking to get her to feel bad. It was so obvious it was comical.

  “Did your brother ever calm down? Did your plan to get him laid work?”

  Her question sat me straight up in my bed. She wanted to know about me. Why would she do that AND break up with Jax if she didn’t care? Had I made a huge mistake?

  “I guess he’s okay. The girls were gone when I got back to the room. I guess he’s impotent.” He smiled for the first time and looked in my direction. I just shook my head, giving him silent kudos for making a joke. “You can ask him all about it in class.”

  “No thanks. He hates me now for sure.”

  “Reese, I love you. I know you said you don’t feel that way, but it won’t change for me.”

  “I’ll always care about you, Jax. You’re so special to me. I really mean that.”

  When they hung up Jax seemed in better spirits. Aside from worrying about him I was struggling with whether or not I wanted to go to class.

  In the end I was curious. I needed to see her; to make sure she was okay.

  I only had minutes to make it across the campus. When I entered the room the lecture had already started. The sound of the door shutting caught everyone’s attention, and that’s when I saw her. In this class she sat in front of me. I took my seat noticing she didn’t turn back around.

  Several minutes passed by without a single head turn. It was driving me crazy. As angry as I still was I had to speak with her.

  I started passing her letters, and was shocked when she replied.

  I was lucky she was writing me back at all. A part of me wanted to reach forward and touch her. As much as I wanted to hate her, my heart wouldn’t let me. Being in her presence was leaving me vulnerable. It’s how I knew I wasn’t over her at all.

  She took a while to respond, and as she passed the note back she picked up her stuff and left the room. It only took me a second to look and see what she’d wrote, but I think it was going to take a lot longer to accept what it meant.

  I hauled ass out of the classroom only to come into an empty hallway. She wasn’t anywhere. After checking the restroom, and even another janitor’s closet, I ran outside, finally seeing her running in the distance.

  Reese may have been smaller than me in size, but I’d been running since my legs started working together. There was no way she’d be able to get that far before I caught up. By the time she’d made it into the library I was right behind her. She knew I was there, but refused to look at me, so I continued following her, until she couldn’t go any further. I had her cornered.

  Then she turned around, and I knew why she’d kept running. I’d never seen her look so bad. It was almost as if someone had punched her in both eyes. They were swollen and dark underneath. It was obvious she hadn’t slept, but instead spent the whole night crying. My question was if she was crying for Jax or something else.

  I tried to reach for her, but she pulled away. “Don’t.”

  “Jesus, Reese.”

  She turned back around as she spoke. “I don’t need your pity, Jake. This is hard enough without hearing your two-cents.”

  “I didn’t know.”

  She whipped around and looked right at me. “Know what? That I loved you? That I wanted you? That I was only with Jax because you told me to be? Or that I wouldn’t be able to forgive you if you screwed those girls?”

  “This isn’t all my fault. I saw you with Jax. I know you too well for you to deny that there was something between the two of you. I heard what you said.”

  “He tells me to say it.” She shoved me back. “It’s how he cums. Is that what you want to hear, Jake? You want the truth, right? I said it because he asked me to and I fucked him because YOU asked me to.”

  When we both realized we were raising our voices I knew we couldn’t be caught having this discussion. I grabbed her arm and lead her into a room filled with copy machines. Then I closed the door behind us for more privacy.

  Her hands flew up before I could get closer to her. “Please don’t. Just don’t. I can’t do this anymore. It hurts me too much. You hurt me, I hurt Jax, it’s a vicious circle. I can’t take it anymore. You were right last night. We’re done, Jake. Not even love can save what we never had in the first place.”

  Reese left me standing there in total shock, while she walked out of the room. I couldn’t chase after her this time, because I couldn’t move at all. I was stunned, unable to comprehend how everything had gotten so out of hand.

  It was real this time; the breakup, and everything that came with it. I could feel her letting go of what we had when she dismissed me. Love couldn’t fix us, not now, not anymore. Too much damage had been done.

  The fucked up part of it all was that I knew she’d still be in a semi-normal relationship with my brother had she not gotten involved with me. I was able to accept the blame, but couldn’t get over the hurt it brought.

  If I hadn’t been so jealous, if I’d just given her a chance, if I never kissed her, if I hadn’t fallen for her, maybe we could have been friends. Anything would have been better than nothing at all.

  During my walk back to my dorm room I was left with so many regrets, all of which I’d initiated. I had no one to blame for my miserable life, but myself. Reese was heartbroken, and I couldn’t imagine how long it would take her to be able to pass by me without feeling some kind of hate. The torture continued when I walked in and saw my brother taking down pictures of them.

  “What are you doing back so soon?”

  “Class was lame.”

  “Did you see her there?”

  “I didn’t notice. She doesn’t sit near me,” I lied.

  “Maybe I should send her flowers.”

  “Jax, just leave it alone. Maybe she’ll change her mind.”

  “She was right.” He shook his head and smirked.

  “About what?” I opened a soda and sat down beside him, looking down at a couple of the pictures he’d thrown in the wastebasket.

  “She said we were too different. I think I was so blinded by how I felt that I’d never given it a thought. Hell, she wasn’t even my type. I couldn’t get her to dye her hair blonde if life depended on it. I should have seen that as a sign from the beginning. She’s more your type. Right now I kind of wish I was the one to hit her with that ball. Maybe you’d be sitting here acting like a pussy instead of me.” I knew he didn’t mean that how it came out. Jax was accepting what he couldn’t change. He was hurting, and saying whatever helped him feel better.

  I put my arm around my brother. “You always have me, even if you do grow a vagina.”

  “You’re so gay.” He pushed me off of him. “Seriously, dude. I’m starting to worry. Last night you kicked three chicks out of our room. What the fuck? I’m single. The least you could have done was kept them around for me to drown my sorrows in.”

  How was I supposed to explain that they’d been scared off by my temper while I fought with Reese, and what kind of boyfriend thinks about banging someone else the moment he gets dumped? “I wasn’t in the mood. Amber’s meeting me at the game. I need to save my energy.”

  “She better be hot, dude. If that bitch looks like a man, I’m pulling down her pants to check for a dick.”

  I pulled out my phone and scrolled down to her picture message, then watched my brother’s jaw drop when he saw it. “No fucking way, you lucky son-of-a-bitch.”

  “Don’t talk about mom that way. I might have to kick your ass for that.”

  One playful punch turned into a thirty minute wrestling match on the floor. When it was all said and done we sat there in a pretzel formation, both refusing to give up. Jax farting did me in. I had to release my hold and concede.