“It’s okay. I’d tell you if I needed to stop.”

  “I’ve thought about you so much. It’s killin’ me to want you this bad.”

  I could tell she needed a second to comprehend what I was implying. I’d never force her into a decision that could be damaging to her recovery, so I had to be patient and let her decide where this reunion was going to go.

  “I want you too, Ethan. It’s just…I’m a little apprehensive. I know that I’m physically able to be with you, but mentally I’m scared it’s too soon.”

  “I get it. Just know that these hands,” I held them up to show her. “Were meant to touch you. My arms were meant to hold you, and I know for a fact that my heart was meant to love you.”

  Trying not to look disappointed in what wouldn’t come next, I leaned in and kissed her again. As it began to progress into something deeper; something more intense, we both stopped. “Maybe I should go.” I began backing away while holding one of her hands. I couldn’t get carried away.

  She pulled me back. “When you talk like that it makes me crazy. Don’t go. Stay here with me, like we used to. I want to wake up in your arms, so I know this ain’t just a dream.”

  Kissing her forehead was comforting. “It’s not a dream. You have my heart, Chris. You always have. I’m surprised you didn’t notice, especially after everything that happened. Couldn’t you tell how jealous I was? Couldn’t you see that it killed me to see you with someone else?”

  When I said it I worried that speaking about her time with Seth was going to set us back, but she smiled, reassuring me that I hadn’t screwed up our moment. “You were actin’ weird, that’s for sure, but I believed you were always tellin’ me the truth. I think I wanted you to love me so badly that I couldn’t accept you actually might.”

  “I should have told you the truth a long time ago.”

  “You’re here now. My doctor says that I need to stop dwellin’ on what I can’t change. If everything led us to this very moment then I’m not goin’ to complain anymore. This is all I’ve ever wanted.”

  “Me too.”

  She pushed me to the side and made her way over to the ladder. “Wait here. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

  “Where’re you goin’?”

  A half-smile formed in the corner of her lips. “You’ll see in a few minutes. Don’t you dare leave.”

  “I won’t!” I promised.

  I watched her walk out of the barn, all the while with a huge smile on my face. I’d made a ton of mistakes. My immaturity could have cost me everything, but somehow I’d found my way back to my girl.

  I knew I’d have to tell her about Amber, but for now I wanted our time together to be special. This place was sacred to us. I’d never ruin it with painful conversations about the past.

  It took her a little more than ten minutes, not that I was counting. While she was gone I sat down on a bale of Timothy hay and took in the ambience of the loft. I recalled an array of lit candles, and the two of us tangled up together in one sleeping bag. Our first time wasn’t like other teenagers experiences. We took our time, exploring every inch of one another, with patience and compassion. I didn’t believe it back then, but our love was already so powerful. She owned me, utterly and completely. My constant battle to accept that had cost me dearly, finally proving without a doubt that everything I was experiencing was the proof I required.

  I peered down watching her approach the ladder with both of her hands full. She lifted up a large duffle-bag, and stuck another one over her back as she began to climb. With a giant smile covering her face she starting unzipping each bag, revealing her intentions for the rest of our evening.

  “Please tell me your parents don’t know I’m here.”

  “My parents helped me pack all this stuff. Stop worryin’, Ethan. We’re adults. They’d rather know than not. Although, my dad did leave you a note in the lower, left pocket of that bag.” She pointed to the bigger bag. “He may have mentioned the removal of your lower appendages, but he’s probably kiddin’.” She giggled.

  I squirmed as I unfolded the letter and began to read it out loud.

  “Ethan,

  It’s a difficult time for a father to accept that his daughter is a grown woman. I’ve watched her struggle throughout life, but she’s always had one constant.

  It’s you.

  Thank you for lovin’ my daughter. I’d appreciate it if you respected her, and promise that you’ll always be her best friend.

  If you don’t, just know I’ll find ya.

  Colt Mitchell,

  Your someday-father-in-law”

  Christian was already laughing. I shrugged and folded up the note, sticking it in my back pocket. “I reckon I better do as he says.”

  “Probably.”

  “So what’s in the bags?”

  “Flameless candles, some snacks, a container of tea, two pillows, and two sleepin’ bags,” she explained.

  “Are you certain that your dad ain’t goin’ to come out here with his rifle?” I just needed verification on that before I agreed to spend the night with the guy’s daughter.

  “My father and brother know we’re out here together. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”

  “I won’t be closin’ my eyes all night, that’s for sure.”

  “That’s just silly. They want me to be happy, Ethan, even if it means bein’ a little more lenient when it comes to you.” She slapped me lightly, laughing again. I’d forgotten how good it felt to make her smile. “Besides, I’m pretty sure they know I’m takin’ things slow.”

  “Come here,” I ordered.

  She nudged forward so I could pull her into my arms. “I’ll do whatever it takes, Chris.”

  She took me by the hand and pulled us down on one of the sleeping bags. I knew I had to be gentle with her, even though the urge to take her was very apparent. Our kisses were slow-paced. I savored them, like it was the first time. Her body shook beneath mine, reminding me of her fragile state. When I pulled away to give her a moment to gather herself, she seemed disappointed. “What’s wrong.”

  “Nothin’,” I answered. “I thought you might need a second.”

  She haplessly stared at me for a second. “I know you’d never hurt me. Bein’ with you is natural. It’s always been easy.”

  I pecked her before responding. “I will love on you all night long. I’ll hold you, and kiss you in every place imaginable, but I won’t do that. I can’t. Not yet. We’re goin’ to go slow, because we’ve got plenty of time.”

  “Ethan, if I don’t give you what you want, are you goin’ to go out and get it somewhere else?”

  “Hell no! That’s somethin’ you’ll never have to worry about. You’re the only woman I want.”

  She smiled shyly. “Okay.”

  “Good. Now let’s get back to that kissin’.”

  As much as I wished this night could be more, I appreciated bein’ able to stay with her. I needed this just as much as she did.

  A little while later I lay still with Christian wrapped in my arms. We’d climbed into an oversized sleeping bag and zippered up to keep warm on this particularly chilly night. Even though the barn kept out the wind, it had no insulation to provide us with any type of comfort.

  She slept so peacefully next to me. Her warm body nestled up against mine allowed me to be content. We didn’t need intercourse to take us to another level. We’d been sleeping together for years. There wasn’t an inch of her that I didn’t know. I would wait to have her again, because I knew it would be well worth it.

  While she rested peacefully, I thought about what was to come, where we would live, and how our lives would intertwine. Chris knew my plans to keep my roots grounded on a farm. She’d accepted that I never wanted to live in a busy city. I wouldn’t have to worry about taking her away from her dreams, because we’d shared the same one for as long as I could remember.

  While the crickets sang, and the moonlight sky moved about the horizon, I finally closed my eyes. Even if her father or brother came to kill me I’d die a satisfied man. God had given her to me, and I knew I’d never take that for granted again.

  I couldn’t wait to wake up to her beautiful smile, every single day until I took my last breath. That’s how life was supposed to be; simple and kind. We’d want for nothing as long as we had each other.

  Chapter 34

  Christian

  The sound of the rooster woke me up from a deep sleep. I realized right away that I was zippered in a blanket with Ethan. He opened his eyes noticing I was struggling to free myself. “You okay?”

  “I’m about to pee my pants,” I admitted.

  He chuckled and helped free me. An immediate chill overwhelmed me, causing me to cover my chest with my arms.

  “Holy hell it’s freezin’,” he complained

  “Let’s go inside. I’m sure my dad’s already up,” I suggested.

  “I don’t know, Chris. Maybe I should head home for a bit.”

  “Get up and come inside with me. I promise you’ll survive.”

  When I started to march away he caught my arm, pulling me back against his chest. “Hold up. I think we should properly say good mornin’ before we go anywhere.” His lips found mine, and I closed my eyes, savoring the gesture.

  “This feels right,” I admitted.

  “Yeah, it sure does.”

  I led Ethan inside of my parent’s house, spotting my dad as soon as we walked through the door. “Good mornin’,” he announced.

  “Sir,” Ethan replied.

  “It’s chilly out there. I thought you might end up inside last night.”

  “I didn’t notice,” I admitted proudly.

  Ethan was very quiet, acting as if he was about to piss off my dad. I was getting a kick out of it, so I grabbed his hand and began to pull him up the stairs. “Where are we goin’?” He whispered.

  “To brush our teeth. Mom keeps extra toothbrushes for when family comes, in case they forget. There’s a container under the sink in the hall bathroom. Help yourself. I’m just goin’ to change my clothes and brush my hair.”

  “Alright then.” He entered the bathroom, leaving me to walk to my room. My sister opened her door looking like she was still asleep. “Hey, Chris. You just gettin’ in?”

  “Yeah,” I said proudly. “We slept in the barn.”

  “I heard. Listen, I’m real sorry about what happened to you back at school. I feel like I should’ve been there for you and it hurts that I couldn’t. I messed up so bad. Dad and mom look at me like they don’t know what to do next. Noah’s not speakin’ to me because the wedding got postponed again. I feel like I can’t win. Anyway, I just want you to know that I’d trade places with you if I could. I envy your life, sis. You’re beautiful, intelligent, and you have Ethan, who’s crazy about you. I hope one day I can have that.”

  I hugged my sister. “All that matters is that you’re home. I need you now. I need you to be well. We all do.”

  “I don’t want to be that person anymore, Chris. I swear I don’t.”

  “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Addy. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the best place for us is here with our family. We can get through everything with their help. I promise.”

  I didn’t like seeing my sister cry. I’d never known what it was like to be addicted to drugs. I wouldn’t understand the trials of withdrawals and the difficulties of bein’ around people after havin’ done so much wrong.

  Despite the fact that we were different, we both needed the same kind of support. I’d be there for my sister, and she’d do the same for me. Together we could get through this.

  Ethan met me in the hallway, but refused to come into my room when I changed. It was cute how worried he was about my father. Last night, before I’d come back out to the barn I’d given it to my dad straight.

  He’d learned about Ethan sticking around, and how we’d made up. I think once he’d heard that he took a second to contain his concerns. With my mother’s assistance I was able to convince him that I was old enough to make my own decisions, and out of everything I’d ever done in my life, Ethan was always something I’d been serious about.

  I think in some ways my current struggles helped him to be more lenient. In all honesty I never thought I’d see the day when he allowed any man to spend the night, even if we weren’t under his roof.

  Ethan’s actions only reminded me how much he knew my family. He acted as if he was walking around on eggshells, and it was extremely amusing.

  Once I’d changed my clothes and freshened up, I found my family, including my boyfriend, in the kitchen. My mom had prepared a large breakfast, and for the first time in a long time, she seemed happy.

  My father kept pinching her butt when she walked by, winking when one of us would catch him. I placed my hand on Ethan’s leg once I’d sat down. He gave me this worried look, as if I was putting him in a lion’s den. I wanted to laugh, but respected his desire to stay in my dad’s good graces.

  The five of us sat at our little kitchen table enjoying a meal together. I can’t even describe what it felt like to look around and see everyone in a good mood.

  “This is nice,” I admitted.

  “It is,” my mom agreed.

  “We need to do this more often,” my father suggested. “Now let’s bow our heads and thank God for all he’s given us.”

  “Can I do it, dad?” We all looked up to see Addy waiting for an answer.

  My father got the biggest grimace on his face. It brought tears to my eyes as I watched him reacting to her request. “Go on, darlin’.”

  While listening to my sister’s prayer, I silently thanked God for everything he’d given me. Mostly I thanked him for my second chance with Ethan, because somehow I knew his love would help me to heal.

  Later that morning Ethan and I walked hand in hand out to the old willow tree, where most of us kids always liked to retreat to. The bright sky was shining through gaps in the trees, lighting the path to the clearing. Birds sang all around us, and it was the perfect definition of peaceful.

  “It’s nice bein’ here with you, babe,” Ethan said as we continued on. “It makes me want to get done with school and come home. With what I’ve learned, I think I can increase our agriculture growth by fifty percent. Do you know what somethin’ like that could mean for my parent’s farm?”

  “As a matter of fact, I do.”

  He chuckled and pulled me closer. “Yeah, I guess you do.”

  “I’ve been thinkin’ about school as well. I’ve made my mind up about goin’ back. It’s probably a good idea if I put my last year on hold for a while. It’s just that even if I transferred, I’d have to leave home again. Right now this is the only place where I feel safe. My sister’s here and she needs me. I suppose there are a lot of reasons.”

  “So if I were to take a plot of land from my parents and build a nice size house, would you consider movin’ a couple miles down the road, with me? It will be a while, so I don’t need an answer this minute.” His question was more than a dream come true for me. It meant forever.

  “Yes.” There was no hesitation in my answer. “I would love to.”

  We stopped walking and had another moment where we stared at one another. He took both of my hands and leaned forward to press his lips over mine. “I love you, Chris.”

  “It makes me smile when you say that.”

  “There’s somethin’ I think you should know. I meant to tell you about it last night, but we got a little lost in translation.”

  “What is it?” I stepped back. “Is it bad?”

  “You weren’t the only person that got attacked, babe.”

  I began to worry, not about me, but whoever had been a victim. “How do you know that?”

  “It’s a long damn story, but let’s just say I met someone who happened to be in a bad way. She told me about bein’ attacked, gettin’ pregnant, and losin’ her child.”

  I thought I’d feel like I wasn’t alone. I assumed that if someone else ever stepped forward I’d be able to connect with them. All I felt for this person was sympathy.

  I sank down to the ground listening as he told me who it was, and what had happened to her, before I even came into the picture. As he finished, he took my hand and kissed it. “I didn’t tell you this to upset you. I’m tellin’ you because I feel like maybe you could help each other. Amber’s not like the other girls, Chris. She’s got a soul, and she needs a friend. She tried to take her own life because of this asshole. Together maybe you’ll have enough to take him down.”

  Amber, the one girl I’d felt the most connected to.

  I wondered why she’d hadn’t told me the truth, not that it mattered now. There was nothing anyone could do to change the past.

  “If she wanted to press charges she could have a long time ago. You’re right. I would like to talk to her, because I think we could help each other, but I’m not interested in doin’ anything else. I want to put this all in the past, especially since I have a reason to work toward a future. Can you understand that?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I get it.”

  “I have faith that he’ll get what’s comin’ to him. In the meantime I’m not goin’ to let his actions hold me back. Everyday I’m makin’ progress, and now I’ve got goals I want to achieve.”

  “Do you want to tell me about them?” He asked.

  “How about I show you?” I pulled him along until we reached the old willow tree. Once we fell down underneath it, we immediately embraced in a deep kiss. Slowly, to make sure I was ready for what I was about to do, I let my hand slip down in his pants. It wasn’t surprising what I felt inside, but it was how my body naturally reacted to being in this situation with the man I’d always loved.

  They say that time heals all wounds. I’d like to think that saying is true. I definitely wasn’t healed, not all the way. I had a long journey before I could claim that victory. For now I was prepared to gradually make progress with intimacy again, one kiss at a time.