I had to get up and walk away.

  I knew she’d been with the guy, but this was a kick to the balls. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d have a visual of her doing something like that to another man.

  After heading out to my balcony I looked at the horizon, praying it would distract my mind from the permanent image I couldn’t shake. She’d been so into it, making it impossible for me to comprehend how on that same day she’d claimed to be raped by this guy.

  Chris and I had talked about oral sex. I liked giving it to her, and I’d been doing it for a long time. She was never willing, but promised to save it for me. We had this pact that we’d experience all of our firsts together, that way we would never regret it. I couldn’t fathom that she’d give this guy something that should have been mine. It didn’t only disturb me, it ripped me apart. In the twenty seconds it took to watch the video, I’d felt like everything I’d ever wanted for my future had been flushed down the drain. She may as well have ripped out my heart with her bare hands.

  It didn’t matter that this guy hadn’t a clue what we were to each other. People could assume what they wanted, not that I ever cared when it came to Christian. If they wanted to think we were a couple I didn’t correct them. I knew one day we would be. It had been planned out perfectly for years.

  In just a few days my aspirations were suddenly beginning to change. The woman inside, that had my heart for so long, had betrayed the sanctity of our friendship. She’d destroyed me.

  I knew why she hadn’t told me, but it hurt more knowing she carried that secret. Did she think about blowing that guy while she was around me? What did he have that I didn’t?

  I couldn’t rationalize with myself over it. Something had to give.

  When I heard the sliding door opening I didn’t turn around to greet her. I couldn’t look into those green eyes and feel anything but betrayal. I’d thought I was the one hurting her all this time, but had the girl I’d always known to be so pure changed without me noticing? She was determined to do whatever it took to come out of her shell. Had she danced with the devil on her own will, only to regret it enough to act out this terrible scenario? I hated doubting her, but there was some truth in that video. He wasn’t forcing her to perform. As the image repeated in my mind I finally turned around.

  “It’s cold out here. Why are you standin’ around without a jacket?” She asked as she wrapped her arm into mine. I closed my eyes and looked in another direction. As much as I wanted a reason to be close to her, I couldn’t stand her touch.

  “Are you goin’ to be alright if I have to run out for a bit?”

  She pulled away, seemingly shocked at my question. “I thought you didn’t want to let me out of your sight?”

  “I forgot I made plans I can’t break.”

  “Yeah, I guess. I’ll keep the doors locked and try to get some rest.” She was unaffected by my question, leading me to believe that this really could be some kind of act.

  I needed to get out of there; to think about what my mind was telling me. I couldn’t doubt her, not after the way I felt about her. This was the woman I loved. Was I really considering that she could be lying to me? Had she betrayed my trust so much that I couldn’t believe her?

  “Okay.” Where I’d normally kiss the top of her head I turned and walked away. Maybe she’d assume something was wrong. At this point I didn’t even care. Watching those lips around another man’s dick had me messed up. I had to release my anger, my hurt, and everything else I didn’t want to be feeling.

  I knew I’d hate myself for doing it, but I picked up my phone and dialed the number anyway. There was only one thing that could take my mind off of what she’d done to me. She answered on the second ring, and the sound of her voice was already helping my mood.

  “Hey, I tried to call you last night.” Star wasn’t just on my jock tonight, she’d been clear that she’d drop everything if I’d give her the time of day. She saw me as her meal ticket out of this town, thinking that my intelligence would get me far in life. She saw dollar signs. Little did she know that my place was back at home. Sure, I’d like to have an engineering degree, but it wasn’t where my heart was.

  “Sorry. I was helpin’ a friend. What are you doin’ now?”

  “Why? Do you want to come over?”

  “I’m already on the way.”

  “I don’t have anything to eat. If you’re hungry you might want to grab something out.”

  “I’m hungry for something else. Be naked. I’ll see you in five minutes.”

  Determined to wash my mind of Christian, I planned to bury myself in someone else. It was the wrong choice, but the only way. She’d hurt me, forcing me to seek reprieve. I’d have to address the problem, but until I was able to do that, I had to get some release.

  Chapter 23

  Christian

  I didn’t get why all of a sudden he was leaving me alone. Out of nowhere he’d recalled something that was more important than being my shoulder to cry on. I waited until I heard the front door shut before walking inside. The first thing I noticed was that he’d left his laptop, meaning this wasn’t about school. Whatever my dear friend was doing had nothing to do with catching up on assignments.

  I sat down as his computer and started researching sites about rape victims. It helped to read the stories and relate to each experience. In some ways it was more support than anyone I knew could have given me. The women, and even men, lost themselves because of vicious acts done to them. They knew what I was going through, having the knowledge of it happening to them. We all had a common goal of recovering, and no matter how many stories I read they all ended the same.

  The victims wanted justice.

  I closed my eyes and thought about Seth. I imagined how wonderful he’d been the night we first met, and how good of a time we’d had playing drinking games and retreating back to my room. I recalled all of his innuendos, which creeped me out. He was so gentle that first time, making sure he satisfied me first. How could one day have changed him so much? It was like he’d become a monster. Had me walking away from him, rejecting him, caused Seth so much rage that he’d found it necessary to rip me apart, leaving me like some piece of trash?

  I tried to shake off my scenarios, but nothing would work. I felt abandoned by Ethan, and he hadn’t even provided me with an explanation. What bothered me the most was that he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. It was his brand, yet why in my most emotional state had he done that?

  After going into a crying fit I closed out my internet box, leaving only his email left open. When I saw the name of the last sender my heart jumped. It didn’t take me but a second to click on it and see what it was about.

  I think after the first sentence my mouth hung open. He’d taken everything and turned it around on me, making me seem like a liar. I got up and ran to the bathroom vomiting out the little amount of food I’d consumed. While I lingered there on the bathroom floor I cried out for God to help me through this, because without Ethan I’d have no one else I could trust. Sure, my parents were wonderful, but they only saw one way out of all this, and I wasn’t ready to let that be my only option.

  Feeling discontent, I dialed Ethan’s number, prepared to do whatever it took to plead my case. Yes, I’d gone against our stupid little pact that we’d made years ago, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t been with a slew of women. He knew how I felt about him and went about flaunting his perversions to me every chance he got. He’s lucky I stuck around and tolerated it, because many other women in my situation would have wised up and moved on.

  After it rang several times his voicemail picked up. I knew for a fact that he never listened to his messages, so I hung up and redialed the number. I continued repeating those steps until he finally answered the call, out of breath. “What?”

  “I know why you left, Ethan. I saw the video and I can explain. I swear I can. Please just hear me out before you make any assumptions.”

  “Like what, Chris? Like assuming that you weren’t really attacked at all? I can’t stop seein’ you with your lips wrapping around his -.”

  “Stop it! Please don’t even talk about it.”

  “Why? It looked like you were pretty into it. It’s why I’m havin’ trouble believin’ that a few hours later you were raped. Tell me how that works. Do you agree to give oral, but not ass?”

  His words hurt me. “Why is it such a big deal to you? We made that pact years ago. It’s not like you want to be with me anyway. You’ve done nothin’ but tell me we’re just friends.”

  “Don’t you dare change the subject.” He wanted explanations that I wasn’t willing to think about. I had no excuse for why I did that to Seth. I also couldn’t explain how in just a little amount of time I’d changed my mind about him completely. The man that picked me up and took me to that abandoned house wasn’t the same person I’d been intimate with. He was intoxicated, and had become violent.

  “Well, don’t you dare walk out on me when I need you the most.”

  “I’m hangin’ up now. Maybe I need some time to unwind before I come home. It’s best that I calm down so I won’t say somethin’ I could regret later. Right now I feel like I can’t trust you, and to be honest, it fuckin’ hurts. I always thought that pact meant somethin’. It was put into place for a reason.”

  All of a sudden I heard a female talking to him in the background. “Who’s that?”

  “She’s a friend, which is more than I can say for you at the moment.” It stabbed me right through my heart. Never in my life had I ever felt so broken. This was the man I loved, and I’d pushed him into another woman’s arms. If my life wasn’t over before, it certainly was now.

  “Ethan, please don’t hang up. I need you.”

  The line went dead, and I was left to suffer the consequences of yet another poor decision. Ethan was so angry with me, and I wasn’t used to that. He’d always been my rock. The idea of him not trusting me was almost as serious as everything else I was going through.

  My crying fit was short-lived. A knock on the door startled me, sending me to peek out the tiny peep hole. Seeing my parents standing on the opposite side of the door made me nauseous. There was no way out of this. I had to go with them, and seek assistance, because my best friend wanted nothing to do with me.

  When I opened the door I didn’t speak. There were no words I could say to make this any less awkward. I’d run away like a child, and now I’d been caught. “Where’s Ethan?”

  “He had to run out.” As much as I wanted him by my side, I couldn’t tell my father where he’d really gone. My parents always assumed that he was it for me. In my eyes they were right, even when Ethan only wanted to be my friend.

  “Get your things. We’re goin’ home.” My dad ordered.

  “I don’t have much, dad. My roommates destroyed it the other day when this all came out. Nobody believes me.” I watched my dad clenching his jaw. It was obvious that he was pissed at this new information. He picked up his phone and was immediately connected to the nine-one-one operator. “Yeah, I need an officer to come to a residence so that my daughter can retrieve some personal items.”

  He waited for a moment and then gave the address to the house I’d been living at for a short time. My mother hugged me, probably seeing that I was ready to jump out of a window and call it the end.

  Five minutes later we were heading to the house, and with the little amount of talking my dad did in the car I knew he was about to go off the deep end.

  Once we pulled up at the residence I was ordered to stay in the vehicle. My parents walked up to the arriving officer and they all went inside together. A few minutes later I spotted Becca walking outside on the front porch. I tried to duck down on the backseat to prevent her from spotting me, but it was too late. I saw her heading in my direction and she looked pissed.

  She knocked on the window. “You had to get your parents involved? Bitch, you barked up the wrong tree. You’re lucky I don’t bust in there and beat your ass. Why don’t you get out and face me?”

  “I’m not afraid of you, Becca.”

  She opened her arms wide. “Come on, slut.”

  “I’m not a slut!” I yelled from the other side of the glass.

  “You’re just a liar. We’ve all seen the video. He showed everyone. You blew him in the movie theater, in public. There’s no way he raped you. He said he rejected you, and you got pissed.”

  “He’s lyin’! I swear it. He took me to that abandoned house and forced himself on me. I begged him to stop.”

  She shooed my comment away. “Just get your shit and leave us all alone. I should have known you were nothin’ but trouble.”

  Before I could say anything another officer pulled up. He walked inside of the house, coming back out with my parents, who had their hands full of my belongings. I sat quietly in the car, stewing on Becca’s threats. She didn’t have to threaten me to leave campus, because it was the last place I ever wanted to visit again. Without the support from Ethan I was left to go through this alone. My parents would do as much as they could, but they’d never understand what it felt like to be lost.

  Right before they climbed into the vehicle I heard Becca getting loud. She was up in my mother’s face, pointing at me. “She’s trouble. You ought to lock her up and throw away the key. That girl tried to take down my friend.” She pulled out her phone, and before I could react I saw my mom’s eyes widening. She covered her mouth with her hand and froze. “You still think she’s the victim?” Becca asked.

  I jumped from my seat, running over toward them, but my dad stopped me. “I don’t know what this is about, but we’re leavin’ right now!”

  I didn’t fight as he led me back to the car. There was no use. The damage was irrefutable. My mother couldn’t look at me as she joined us, and I knew why. She’d just seen my lips around my rapist’s cock.

  I buried my head between my knees and cried the whole way home, feeling like there was no way they’d ever believe my version of the story again. I knew they’d protect me, but seeing their disappointment would literally kill me. Death had to feel better than this fate. As I considered that option I knew I’d given up hope.

  The time of me wanting to fit in; to be popular and loved, was over. I didn’t deserve this result however it was exactly what I’d been left with. I was nothing, a loner who’d lost her faith in everything positive. Though I knew I didn’t deserve it, I’d been labeled as an outcast; who’d live out the rest of my days in solitude, because I’d rather be alone than face what else the world had in store for me.

  Chapter 24

  Ethan

  Star knew what I wanted from the moment I hung up from my call. She’d unlocked her door anticipating my visit, and as I approached it, I knew she’d be able to settle me down, at least for the time being.

  There was just one problem with that plan.

  I wasn’t hoping to stop stressing about an exam, or something mundane in life that annoyed me. I was trying to forget about Christian; the woman I’d purposely pushed away because our timing was off. I’d been a fool to think that statistics should factor into my feelings for her. What kind of idiot prolongs being with someone because there’s a chance that it might last longer?

  I did.

  Yes, it was true that I was angry with her. A part of me wanted to ream her out for what she’d done. There was another part of me that remembered the events of the past week. Knowing her like I did, it was impossible to assume she’d been lying. Christian may have been highly intelligent, but she was a terrible actor, and horrible at lying, especially to me. I didn’t know every single detail of what led to her attack, but it had happened. I’d witnessed her break down right in front of me. I’d seen her react to being back at that abandoned house. I watched her fall apart during the group session. It wasn’t something she could fake. Her actions were heartfelt, painful to watch in fact. There was no way in hell she could make that up.

  Star pulled me inside of her apartment and I immediately regretted being there. Her naked body pressed against me while her lips found mine. I closed my eyes and tried to respond to her initiation, but it was impossible. I’d abandoned my best friend, and it was crucial that I go back there and console her.

  My mind went into a whirl as Star reached down my pants, gently caressing my limp dick. Within seconds I’d become hard, needing a release I knew I wasn’t going to get if I went home.

  She tugged down my jeans, eagerly taking my cock between her lips. My head fell back while I persuaded myself to go along with it. The pact had been broken. Her doing this was now allowed, and I wasn’t about to stop her, besides, it felt better than I could have imagined. She hungrily lapped up my cock, savoring it in her mouth while sucking vigorously. In no time at all I was ready to explode down her throat. She’d satisfy me like she always did, which in turn made me come back for more.

  Just as I was about to finish I heard my phone ringing. I ignored it, hoping to find closure with my current predicament, but it just kept blowing up. Finally I pushed Star off of me and answered, annoyed. “What?”

  “I know why you left, Ethan. I saw the video and I can explain. I swear I can. Please just hear me out before you make any assumptions.” The last thing I wanted to talk about at the moment was her giving someone else head. It bothered me so much that I felt the need to get a few things off my chest.

  “Like what, Chris? Like assuming that you weren’t really attacked at all? I can’t stop seein’ you with your lips wrapping around his -.” She didn’t let me finish. I saw Star backing up, wiping off her mouth. I knew the moment was over, even as I stood fully erect.

  “Stop it! Please don’t even talk about it.” It was funny how disgusted she sounded, when all I wanted to do was kill the fucker, and gouge out my own eyes.

  “Why? It looked like you were pretty into it. It’s why I’m havin’ trouble believin’ that a few hours later you were raped. Tell me how that works. Do you agree to give oral, but not ass?” I regretted saying it, more than she’d ever know, but I was destroyed by those actions, so much that I was lashing out.