The bottom line was that I knew I couldn’t move forward until I left the past behind. In order to do that I had to face it. With Isabella by my side I was going to do it, because her love was my reason for wanting to live again in the first place.

  Chapter 32

  Rusty

  Isabella took off on Friday so we could get an early start on our drive to Indiana. The last time we’d taken this journey

  it had been for a different reason. She says she never would have went through with an abortion, but I’d like to think that I made sure of it. It was also the first time that we’d made love.

  Passing by the hotel that it happened in brought back all of the memories of that night. She turned to look at me, full of smiles. “I know what you’re thinkin’, Rusty.”

  I nodded. “You’re damn right I’m thinking it.” I was trying to keep my mind off of what was about to happen when I pulled up at my old house that I shared with my wife and daughter. “The moment I went between those legs you knew you wanted more.”

  She giggled and pulled her legs up on the seat. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

  I ran one hand over her smooth skin. “I don’t have to. You know it’s the truth. Do I need to remind you what you sound like when my tongue hits that little clit of yours?”

  It was turning me on talking about it. When I looked over she was blushing. A sudden jolt from my dick reminded me how great it was to wake up naked next to her each morning. “Behave, or I’ll pull this truck over and take you right in the back of it, pregnant belly and all.”

  She crossed her arms. “Stop it. You wouldn’t do that.”

  I pulled over the vehicle, just to be funny. Her arm started flailing as she began freaking out.

  “Rusty, stop. Oh my god, I am not gettin’ naked out in public. Have you seen my body?”

  I looked her up and down, while still chuckling to myself. “Yeah. I see it everyday. Your ass has really filled out by the way. When you bend over I feel like getting some of that every time.”

  She lightly slapped my arm. “Cut it out. You’re not funny, mister. Get back to drivin’. My legs hurt, and I’ve got to pee.”

  “You really know how to kill the mood, babe.”

  She took her fingernails and ran them over my jeans, right between my legs. “Don’t worry. I know how to start it back up again.”

  It was a shame that we’d started pulling on the road to my old house. I tensed up immediately, realizing that in a matter of minutes I wouldn’t be smiling. It took everything in me to squeeze her hand and pretend to smile.

  She knew what was wrong when I put the truck in park and looked at the white house with the wrap around front porch. I remember painting the shutters blue, and almost falling off the ladder on the last one. In the living room windows hung the curtains that Simone had sewn herself. I took a few deep breaths and stared at the steering wheel.

  Isabella put her hand on my back. “You okay?” “I’m not sure yet.” “I’m sorry for askin’ you to do this, Rusty. Do you want to

  go home?” I turned to face her. “I do, but I need to do this, for you and

  for our future. We can’t move forward until we deal with the past.”

  She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Just remember that you’re not alone. I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

  We stepped out of the truck and I carried our bags up to the front porch. Isabella stood by my side as I opened the door. It was so difficult walking in and recognizing the smell of being home. I focused on the hardwood flooring, instead of the furniture and pictures that I knew were hanging. “Mom. It’s me.”

  She looked the same as she did the day I left. Wearing an apron, she stepped out of the kitchen opening and approached us. Her arms opened and I leaned down to hug her, and felt a rush of warmth hitting my eyes. The tears were easy to choke back and hide, especially considering what happened next. “My son. I missed you so much. You look so healthy.”

  I heard my mother gasp, and pulled away frantically to figure out what was wrong. I followed her eyes to see what had her so worked up. Then I saw what she saw.

  Isabella. Except that’s not who she saw at all. My mother stared at her like she was seeing a ghost. I hadn’t

  even noticed the transformation until this very moment. In her pregnancy she’d gained weight in her face, making her almost a twin to my deceased wife, Simone.

  If there were ever a time when I didn’t want them compared to each other it was now. I put my arm around my girlfriend and pulled her close to me, knowing that she was fully aware of what was going on. She looked to me with worried eyes. “Mom, this is Isabella Mitchell. Isabella, this is my mom, Janice Tillman.”

  My mother didn’t move. “Nice to meet you.”

  Iz, smiled, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything. As the seconds passed without a single sound, I knew I was going to have to separate them to be able to calm my mother. “The bathroom is right down the hall on the left. The light is on a dimmer so make sure you turn it to the right for brightness.”

  I watched her walk away before speaking to my mother. “I know what you’re going to say.”

  “Son, is this some kind of sick joke?”

  “Mom,” I had to calm her down before Isabella came back into the room. “Please, it’s not at all what you think.”

  “The similarities are uncanny.”

  I brought her over to the couch and sat her down, noticing that on the end table was a picture of me with my girls. Sydney looked to be around two, and I immediately felt the room start to spin. I sat down in the seat beside her and took a few short breaths. “Listen to me. You can’t say stuff like that in front of her.”

  She shook her head and looked up at me. “I thought you were better, son. I thought you’d finally been able to move on, but it’s clear that you haven’t. Why else would you pick a woman that looks just like the wife you lost?”

  It was too late for me to hush my mom. I turned my head to see my girlfriend standing behind the couch with a hurt look on her face.

  I stood up and rushed toward her, ignoring the fact that we’d just walked in the door. She didn’t argue as I pulled her along up the stairs. She stopped me halfway and stared at a picture that hung on the wall. It was Simone when she was pregnant. She was holding her stomach and looking down at it.

  Isabella put her hand over her mouth. “Oh my god. This can’t be happenin’.”

  “Come on. Just don’t look.” I tried to get her to budge, but she just stood there looking at the rest of them. Feeling defeated, I sat down on the top step and gave up. This had all been a terrible idea, and the fact that I hadn’t considered this outcome was exactly why I had no business coming here at all. “Please, Iz. Let’s just get a hotel room instead.”

  She shook her head and pointed down the stairs, while she spoke in a low voice. “Your own mother can’t even look at me, Rusty. How am I supposed to feel?”

  “I don’t know.” I really didn’t know what to say. “I never should have let you talk me into coming here,” I whispered.

  “How was I supposed to know that my mother would have a whole house as a shrine to them? You think this is easy for me? This is the reason I left this life. I couldn’t stand to be here and see all of this.”

  “Look at me and tell me that I’m not a constant reminder of her.” She pointed to my wife’s picture.

  “You’re not. I swear. You may resemble each other, but to me you’re different. You know that. We’ve talked about this, babe.” I was trying my hardest to settle her down.

  “Babe? Don’t you dare babe me. That’s probably what you called her, isn’t it?”

  I put my head down. Nothing I did was right, and I was making it worse as it all played out.

  “Iz, I love you. We’re having a baby. This has nothing to do with my wife. She’s dead and she’s never coming back. The life I have with you, our life, it’s perfect. Don’t let this change your mind. You only look so much like her right now because you’re pregnant.”

  “So you’re admittin’ it? Every mornin’ you wake up next to me and it’s like bein’ with her again, right?” She started walking back down the stairs. I ran after her, desperate to get her out of the house and away from my confused mother. When she turned the corner and stood in front of mother, I stopped dead in my tracks. “Mrs. Tillman, I’m real sorry that I’ve given you such a shock. I can assure you that the thought never crossed my mind. If it’s alright with you I’m just goin’ to go to the hotel and call it a night. I’ll let you catch up with your son for a while alone.”

  She was leaving me?

  “Iz, please hold up,” I said as she headed for the front door. She never turned around until she’d reached the truck. Her hands were shaking, and there were tears running down her cheeks. She could hardly get out the words in between her sobs.

  “This was what I’ve been afraid of this whole time. I asked you so many times why you were with me, Rusty. You assured me that it wasn’t because we looked alike. You even told me that it wasn’t much at all. Those pictures inside of that house don’t lie. I felt like I was looking at myself in another life.” She opened the truck door more and started to climb in it. I grabbed her shirt preventing her from moving and she jerked out of my reach. “Don’t touch me right now. I’m so humiliated. You brought me all the way here to be treated like a replacement. How could you do this to me?”

  “I swear to god that this isn’t what you think. I want to be with you because I love you. This isn’t about Simone, or the fact that you have the same color hair and eyes. I don’t love you for your looks, Iz. I love you for what’s inside.”

  “My baby? Is that it? You want a kid so bad that you picked the first one available?”

  “No! God no! Why would you even say that?” I was shaking, losing control of myself as my foot continued to drive into my mouth with each comment. “Please don’t go.”

  “This truck belongs to the ranch, so I have every right to take it home. You obviously need to work things out with your family, and I need to get out of here. I can’t go inside of that house anymore. There’s even a picture in the bathroom, Rusty. How fuckin’ creepy is that?”

  In my defense they were pictures of us in the bathtub. At the time I’d fought with Simone about hanging them, stating that they were inappropriate. “Please don’t leave me. I need you.”

  “You need to leave me alone. I’ve got to get away from you. I need to think.”

  “About what?” I worried.

  “About everything. This is messin’ with my head. All of this is just crazy. That woman looked at me like I was a ghost. Are you goin’ to deny that?”

  “Please, just promise me that you won’t leave. I love you so much. I came here for you, for us. I swear that’s all this is. All that’s left of my girls is what’s in that cemetery we went to the first time we came here. I know that. You aren’t some shrine to me. I promise.” I grabbed her hand, clinging to hope that she’d reassure me. “Can I have a kiss goodbye? Will you at least call me when you get to the hotel?”

  She leaned forward, but did not initiate the kiss, nor did she comment on calling me.

  After I ran in and grabbed her bag, I watched as she pulled away in the truck. For some reason I had this sick feeling that something terrible was about to happen.

  Chapter 33

  Isabella

  I couldn’t take another minute in that house. Everywhere I looked were reminders of his dead wife, not to

  mention it was as if we were long lost sisters. The resemblance wasn’t just something his mother had noticed, I too was caught off guard by how uncanny it was. By the time I’d made it inside of that bathroom all I wanted to do was figure out a way to escape. I couldn’t handle seeing that woman looking at me as if she’d seen a ghost.

  Now, I could tell the difference in overreacting, and being in shock. That woman was in complete and utter shock. I knew without a doubt that being in her presence wasn’t healthy for either of us.

  Whether Rusty knew what was happening, or even if he didn’t, he hadn’t warned me just how much of his family remained in that house. I had no idea what I was walking into. Leaving was my only option.

  I know I was supposed to go straight to the hotel, and call him once I was settled, but I was too angry; to angry with him, and with myself. I’d been so naive to think that we could build a future when neither of us was over our past. I’d made one compulsive decision after another, and was left heartbroken and absolutely distraught.

  Rusty called my phone until I finally answered.

  “I can’t talk to you right now, Rusty. I honestly don’t even know what to say.”

  “Just come pick me up. I don’t want to be here without you.”

  “That’s too bad. I left the state hours ago.” I really hadn’t I’d been driving around in circles until I came to the cemetery that he’d taken me to. Little did he know I was probably less than a mile away.

  “You what?” I knew he was going to freak out. “Iz, I know you’re upset, but that’s no reason to go home. We need to work this out.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? How could you not warn me about your mother?”

  “Iz, I haven’t been home in over two years. How was I to know she’d go to such extremes? Just tell me where you are. I’m sure my bike is here in the garage, since pretty much my whole house is exactly the way I left it. You know, you’re not the only one here that’s creeped out. You think I want to come here and see all of Sydney’s things still sitting in her room exactly how she left them? Do you honestly think that is easy for me? Or how about the fact that my mother took me on a tour of my own house, down to the details of how Simone used to organize our junk drawer?”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but suddenly understood it from his angle. This wasn’t just difficult for me. It was killing him. “This wasn’t what I had in mind when I asked you to make amends.”

  “I know, babe. Trust me, I know. I think I’d forgotten just how crazy my mother could be. Listen, my dad is still sleeping, and it would mean a lot to me if you would just tell me where you are. I’ll come to you. Please, Iz. I need you.”

  Sensing the desperation in his voice, I sighed and decided that we were better together, instead of apart. “I’m at the cemetery. Don’t ask how I ended up here, but that’s where I am.”

  “Give me a few minutes. I’ll be there. Please don’t go anywhere.”

  “I won’t.”

  I think I was crying even before I hung up. While I sat down on the stone bench in front of the girl’s graves, I thought about the love they had for each other, and wondered if I’d ever be able to have that kind of love from Rusty. All I knew was that I was totally in love with him, and insanely jealous. The worst part was that I knew I’d never be able to compete with them. Rusty would always love them, and I would never want him not to. It was a problem that I was going to have to learn to live with if I wanted to be happy in my life.

  This trip hadn’t just opened my eyes to my feelings and issues with Rusty; it had made me once again think about Tate. I wanted to do the right thing, and not have to go through the hurdles that my parents did with me. It was as if I could either have Rusty, or tell Tate. Rusty wasn’t exactly giving me that ultimatum, but I knew him enough to know he wouldn’t do well with sharing. This to him was a second chance at having a family. It only made sense that he’d want us to always be together, and not have to deal with visitation.

  I think if my biological father would have been a normal human being I’d have a different opinion. I feel like he’d never had a right to know me. Because of that experience, I was more okay with the idea of never telling Tate.

  While fighting with myself about my own matters of the heart, Rusty rolled up on a bicycle. He had this old ball cap on backwards, and appeared to look half his age. I wanted to giggle, but it wasn’t the time and place. Before he was close enough to hear, I looked down at the two side by side graves. “If you’re out there somewhere watchin’, please help me make the right decision. I love this man, more than I ever thought I could.”

  Rusty walked up and put his hands in his pockets. He looked down at the headstones, seemingly wanting me to speak first.

  “I’m sorry for runnin’ out on you. I know I overreacted, I just couldn’t take another second in that house.”

  “Yeah, I get it. She didn’t mean to freak you out. I think I probably should have warned her.”

  I didn’t want to talk about his mother. “Did you get to see your dad at all?”

  He shrugged. “Mom wants us to come back for dinner. Before you say no, she’s assured me that she’ll be on her best behavior. I’ve let her know we won’t be staying the night either way. You may not believe this, but I don’t want to be there with that stuff, and it’s not because it brings up old feelings. Iz, don’t you get it? What I feel for you is nothing like I felt for them. It’s new, and it’s different. They may have been my life for a long time, but you’re my future. I don’t want you to try to replace them, but it’s not a competition either.”

  I ran my hands over my face as I spoke. “What if I can’t get past that though? It’s selfish and you may hate me for it, but what if I’m not okay with you lovin’ someone else. Even though I know she’s gone, it’s still difficult for me.”

  He looked away and the finally back at me. “Look, I didn’t agree to come here to fight with you. I’m trying so hard to be the man you want me to be. Can you please stop making it so hard? Have I not proved to you time and again that I love you?”

  “Yes, but it’s not enough for me.” “Well then we’ve reached a conundrum,” he noted. I stood up and pointed to the two markers. “For the last