Dreamin’ of makin’ love in the rain.

  Learnin’ how to make my Gram’s apple pie.

  Swimmin’ with my cousin’s at their pond.

  Watchin’ my brother lovin’ all over his fiancée.

  Hearin’ that my sister is comin’ home from rehab.

  Watchin’ those romance channels where you cry because it’s so beautiful.

  Going to church and hearin’ my momma sing her heart out.

  Daydreamin’ about a life where Ethan and I are married and happy.”

  “Things I don’t like:

  Seein’ my mother cry.

  Not hearing from my best friend for weeks.”

  I put my head down when I finished, knowing she was going to ask a ton of questions that I may or may not be ready for.

  “I would like to discuss Ethan. Would that be okay?”

  I shrugged. “I guess. There’s really nothin’ to tell. I don’t even think we’re friends anymore.” It hurt to admit that, especially after being friends for so long.

  “You care deeply for this man, yet you say he hasn’t contacted you. What happened?”

  I twiddled my fingers, focusing on them moving as I spoke, as if it shut my emotions off. “We had a fight.”

  “What did you fight about?”

  This was already getting annoying. We weren’t talking. End of story.

  “In high school we made this pact. It’s probably stupid, but we promised to share every single first with each other. Ethan was my first kiss. He was the first person that I had sex with. You get the idea. Anyway, when I went out with Seth we messed around in a movie theater. He recorded me givin’ him oral and sent it to Ethan. I didn’t think it mattered. He’d been sleepin’ with other girls since we entered college, and clearly didn’t have any intentions of bein’ with me as a couple. He’d made that blatantly clear.”

  “He said he didn’t want to be with you?”

  “Actually, he said that it would ruin our friendship and I meant too much for that to happen.”

  “And you don’t believe him?” I was beginning to feel uncomfortable talking about Ethan. My heart ached for the empty spot where he’d always been. This was torture.

  “Can we talk about somethin’ else?”

  She paused and then jotted something down in her folder. “Tell me about your first sexual experience.”

  “It’s too hard.”

  “Close your eyes and put yourself back in time. Remember being happy and carefree.”

  I did as she ordered. “It was my parent’s anniversary, and they like to go to this cabin in the mountains, so me and my sister were home alone. My family was only a short walk from the house, so we were never really alone, per se. Anyway, Ethan and I had it all planned out. He drove his dad’s old pickup truck into one of the barns, so my brother wouldn’t suspect anything. I’d spent the day decorating the hay loft with candles. Don’t worry. I used the flameless kind. I laid out blankets and brought some pillows from the house so we’d be comfortable. Despite the fact that it was our first time, I wasn’t nervous. We’d made out so many times, fondling, and exploring each other. I was ready to lose my virginity. I felt like it was going to make me a real woman.”

  While I paused to prepare for the rest of the story I looked up to see her making more notes. “How did you feel when Ethan said you couldn’t be a couple?”

  “Devastated.”

  “Was the pain much like being assaulted?”

  I hated her question. “What’s that supposed to mean? Are you implyin’ that they are equal?”

  “No. I’m trying to grasp the emotional pull that your love for Ethan has on you. Could you try to answer?”

  “Ethan means everything to me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe without him. When I was assaulted he pushed until I confessed what happened, and he promised he wouldn’t leave my side. I get why he’s upset, but I feel destroyed. My attack was ugly, and I wished it never happened, but my love for Ethan is beautiful. I could never regret that.”

  “Finish your story about your first time.”

  After talking about my love for him, it was hard to close my eyes and replay that moment in time that was so perfect. “The ambience was romantic, and Ethan took his time. He kissed me until I stopped shakin’, and then made sure I was ready for every single step. I felt loved, respected, and above all consumed with confidence.”

  “How would you describe your time with Seth?”

  I swallow the immediate lump in my throat. “Drunken, stupid, a big mistake. I was desperate, and vulnerable.”

  “Christian, you’re very young, and with that it means that you’ve yet to experience so much. I’m not saying that you need to go out and find partners. I’m saying that with age comes experience. It always helps with acceptance.”

  “I’m tryin’ to understand that. I still wake up every mornin’ hopin’ I won’t think of my mistakes.”

  “We’re human. We make mistakes. It’s how we repent our faults that make us indifferent. I want you to go home and share your happy list with one family member. I also want you to include the two sad items. Learning to express your feelings is very important in your situation. Having a good line of communication at home will not only improve your trust with others, but also them with you.”

  It made sense. My parents were always trying to know my business. They’d be over the moon if I shared something so dear to my heart, especially about Ethan. Besides, I knew I was going to have to come clean about him if I ever wanted to be able to accept that he might not want to be my friend again. As much as it hurt to think about, I knew this was my only life, and I had to be thankful for having a second chance at finding myself. “I think I’ve always been afraid that they looked at me like I was different from my siblings. They’re so outgoin’, and easy to get along with. I always liked school, and playing by myself. My mom says she was like me, but I’ve seen her make friends easily. All she has to do is smile and they’re like magnets. I don’t have that gift. Maybe I have an invisible sign on my forehead that says I’m awkward.”

  “You’re too self-conscious. You’re worried about what others think of you, instead of what you think of yourself. Remember we talked about loving yourself?”

  “Yes.”

  “When you look in the mirror what do you see?”

  This was the stupidest question. Obviously I saw myself.

  She reiterated her question when I didn’t reply. “What kind of person do you see when you look in the mirror?”

  “We’ve already gone over this question.”

  “It’s important to answer again.”

  “I see a lonely girl who longs to be loved.”

  “Hmm, and what if I asked you to describe the woman you want to see in the mirror?”

  This one was easy. I’d thought about this every single time I’d looked at my own reflection only to feel let down at what was really there. “I see beauty, strength, and happiness. I see a woman who isn’t afraid to go after what she wants. I see a woman who conquers all struggles, leavin’ no rock unturned. I see confidence. She’d have poise. She’d be skilled as a ninja so no one could ever hurt her physically.”

  “Let’s back up a second. As much as I would like to see you become a ninja, for self defense, of course, I think it’s best that we focus on one obstacle at a time. Perhaps our main focus should be on that confidence. Tell me what you don’t like about your appearance.”

  I kept my gaze low, trying not to see her looking at me, making me more uncomfortable with the question. “I don’t feel beautiful.”

  “So if I told you that you were a beautiful, stunning lady you wouldn’t believe me?”

  “I’d feel flattered, but question your judgment.”

  She tapped that pen to the paper again, causing me to look up. When I did I saw that she was staring at me. “When did you start to feel as if you were unbeautiful?”

  I tossed my hands in the air. “I don’t know. Maybe it was when my cousins started teasin’ me.”

  “I know for a fact that you come from a very large family. It says in my notes that you have a large amount of cousins. Perhaps they were only teasing you because they knew it got to you.”

  “Who knows? The damage is done. If they wanted me to feel ugly they’ve succeeded.”

  “I want you to do something else for me when you go home. I’d like for you to call those cousins and ask them if you’re beautiful.”

  “I’d say you’re crazy.”

  “Please enlighten me here. This is my job to find the source so that I’m able to help you heal. Part of that is finding where this all stems from. Once we can determine that, you’ll begin to feel differently about yourself. That’s when we’ll have made the most progress.”

  Even though I knew I’d follow through, because I was desperate for closure, I felt sickened by what she was asking me to do. I loathed my twin cousins, Jake and Jax. They’d picked on me my whole life. If I called and asked them a question so ridiculous I’d be a laughing stock.

  With a new list of to-dos I left the office and headed home. I was eager to sit down with my parents and share my list. I think it was beneficial that they knew I trusted them. Calling my cousins was going to be a battle in itself.

  Chapter 30

  Christian

  My mom was eager to get my sister home. I think she secretly hoped that both of us girls would live with her forever. Even if we built a house on the family property, I don’t know if we’d be close enough in her eyes.

  Being my dad had gotten the call to pick my sister, Addy, up from the hospital, he’d volunteered to drive out there to do it. It only took me a second to ask if I could ride along.

  We gotten about five miles from the house before either of us said anything. I broke the ice knowing I had to share my feelings with my dad. We were alone, and of all the people on the planet his approval was most important. “Daddy,” I called him that when I wanted to be on his good side. Even in my twenties, he still got a kick out of it.

  “Yes, darlin’?”

  “I need to talk to you about somethin’.”

  He reached over and grabbed my hand. I could feel how rough his skin was from years of hard work. He’d made sure we never hurt for anything, and for that I’d be forever grateful. “The doc says I need to tell you and mom about my feelin’s. I was hopin’ we could discuss them while we drive.”

  “I’m all ears.”

  I pulled the list out of my purse. “She thinks I need to tell you ten things that make me happy, and only two that make me sad.

  Things that make me happy:

  Pancakes in the mornin’.

  Lyin’ under a willow tree and listenin’ to nature.

  Dreamin’ of makin’ love in the rain.

  Learnin’ how to make my Gram’s apple pie.

  Swimmin’ at the North Carolina pond.

  Watchin’ Noah lovin’ all over his fiancée.

  Hearin’ that Addy is comin’ home from rehab.

  Watchin’ those romance channels where you cry because it’s so beautiful.

  Going to church and hearin’ momma sing her heart out.

  Daydreamin’ about a life where Ethan and I are married and happy.”

  “Things I don’t like:

  Seein’ momma cry.

  Not hearing from my best friend for weeks.”

  My father was quiet, probably because I’d just given him a lot to ponder on. I watched as his face creased. “Darlin’, I’ve always told you how special you were. Your mom and I knew from the time you were born. We’d struggled for so long to get pregnant and just knowin’ that a miracle had happened healed a broken part of your mom. Watchin’ her hold you brought tears to my eyes, because she finally had that piece of the puzzle she thought was out of reach. Now you’ve grown into this young woman, who’s not only brilliant, but also beautiful. I’m so proud of you. I’m proud to call you my daughter; to know that out of all the people I’ve ever known, you hold the purest heart. Now I’m not talkin’ about your virginity, so don’t get uncomfortable. Besides, I’ve known all about your little riffs with Ethan in the barn. If you’re plannin’ on makin’ a love nest it’s best that you hide the evidence when you’re done.”

  I felt so embarrassed. I tried to pinpoint when I’d forgotten something. Had it been after our first time? The thought made me queasy. “Sorry.”

  “It’s a part of growin’ up. That bein’ said your mom did have to keep me from sayin’ somethin’ to that boy. He’s a good kid, but I wasn’t sure if he was the right match for my special girl.” He reached over and touched my chin.

  I moved away feeling embarrassed. “Daddy, stop it. This conversation is just weird now.”

  “Christian, you’re a woman. Remember that I loved your mother at your age. You remind me of her. . She was always timid, gettin’ into trouble because she wouldn’t speak up for herself. It was the main reason I fell so hard for her. I felt a pull to take care of her and then it all fell into place. Now we’ve got you three kids, and I’m includin’ your older brother, because we all know that even though he’s not her biological son, she’d never love him any less than you two girls. She’s a Godsend, and he couldn’t have asked for a better mother.”

  “I know.” When my brother was three social services had brought him to the ranch. My father didn’t even know he existed, and my mom had just had a miscarriage. Instead of feeling like it was an omen for failure, she took Noah in her arms and never looked back. Their bond was unbreakable, and many times it made us all forget that she wasn’t his birth mother. Since we still shared our father’s blood, there was no trading him in for a sister. Besides, I enjoyed knowing he always had my back. “We have a fantastic family.”

  “We need to thank God for that, Chris.”

  “I know.” Sadly, I hadn’t thanked God enough lately. It was selfish of me, and I didn’t like admitting that I’d somehow lost a little bit of faith from my experience, especially since I’d been taught that he only gives us what he knows we can handle.

  “Do you mind me askin’ what happened with Ethan?”

  I looked out the window, hoping I wouldn’t lose it in front of my father. “I guess you could say that I loved him and he didn’t love me back.”

  “Hogwash!” He immediately spat. “That boy’s been crazy about you for years.”

  “Dad, we’re just friends. Well, we were. It’s all changed now.”

  “I don’t believe that. If you want somethin’ you’ve got to work for it, you’ve got to fight. It’s the chase that makes it better.”

  “Talkin’ like this is uncomfortable,” I admitted.

  “That list you made is beautiful. It warms my heart that you see things other people your age can’t yet grasp. What makes me sad is seein’ you unhappy. You deserve the world at your fingertips. Now I know we didn’t get justice for what happened to you, but God’s got a plan. I believe that, because I’ve seen miracles happen.”

  All of a sudden I felt extremely emotional. I leaned over and let my head fall against my dad’s strong shoulder. I don’t know if it was the image of my mother going through her cancer treatments, or the fact that the past couple months had been hell for me. Sure, I was going out to bars and hanging with people my age, but that life wasn’t for me. All I knew was that I was blessed to have the support that I did. “I love you, daddy.”

  He kissed the top of head, immediately reminding me of Ethan. “I love you too, darlin’. You’re my sweet girl, you always have been, and you always will be. Don’t you ever forget that.”

  For the rest of the ride I laughed and cried with my dad. We hadn’t been alone for a long time, and I appreciated the way he was so caring when he needed to be. Even though I’d watched him and my brother having it out, this soft side of him proved that he was the best dad in the world. Besides, my brother sometimes needed a good kick in the ass.

  I hadn’t seen my sister since she’d gone to rehab. I remember her looking so fragile, with eyes glossed over. The girl that was walking toward us had put on at least ten pounds. Her hair was styled, and she was smiling. Though she still looked tired, I could tell she was thrilled to see us both standing there. We hugged her at the same time, and that’s where my emotions went awry. We never bonded like this, yet both of us needed each other more than we’d care to admit. “I’m sorry for what happened to you,” she whispered in my ear.

  “Same here,” I said back.

  My dad let us stand there embracing for quite some time. I could tell from his grimace that he appreciated the way we were behaving. He had tears in his eyes, which was a rarity.

  He put his hand on my shoulder. “Let’s get you both home. Mom’s been cookin’ all day.”

  “I can’t wait to eat something with taste,” Addy said as we began walking toward the exit.

  In that moment I wasn’t thinking about myself, my failures, and what I hadn’t yet overcome. I was grateful for my beautiful family and content knowing that above anything else, they were what I needed the most right now.

  I’d been looking everywhere for a best friend, feeling like nobody would ever understand, yet my sister, who was only one year apart from me in age, was right beside me, needing the same kind of companionship. It was a true revelation.

  My love life was going to have to wait, because it was time for me to accept what I couldn’t change, and look forward to the person I was meant to be.

  Chapter 31

  Ethan

  I couldn’t wait to tell her the news. I was both excited and worried. She was going to be so angry with me. Still, I felt like I had good reason to stay away. My timing may have sucked, but I needed to figure some things out for myself. Mostly I needed to come to terms that there were things in life I’d never be able to change. I couldn’t look at my friend and see someone fragile. I needed to be able to know for sure that without her strength she wouldn’t have come so far.

  Pulling up at the ranch made me a bit leery. There was a chance that Chris had told her father to make sure I never stepped foot near her again, though I don’t think she’d still be leaving me messages if she felt that way. Still, my guilt over not being there stressed me. How was I ever going to make up for betraying her friendship? How was I going to look her in the eyes, knowing I’d loved her for so long, and tell her that my decisions had been the reason for everything that happened to her? I should have made better choices, and not relied on damn scientific results about relationship odds. How incredibly selfish I’d been to assume she’d wait around for me to wise up?