“If you’re not pregnant, than what is it, because I’m not leavin’ this room until you tell me the God damn truth. We’ve been friends for too long. Of all the people in this world you know you can trust me. I know I’ve hurt you in the past, and for that I’m sorry, but I’d never let you go through this kind of pain on my watch. It’s my job to protect you. I promised your father I would. Tell me now. Tell me what in the hell happened in the past twenty-four hours. Are you upset because of me? Did I do something to cause this?”

  She finally shook her head. “No. It’s not you.” There was a long pause, and I wondered if she was even going to divulge anything else. “It’s Seth.”

  “Did he say something to hurt your feelin’s? Did he call you a whore, because if he did…”

  “He raped me.” The words came out so sudden, yet I froze in place, unable to grasp the meaning of them. It was as if time stood still to give me a moment to take it all in.

  In that exact moment I’d lost all sense of hope. This wasn’t something I could fix. She was broken, and there was nothing I could do to take the pain away.

  Chapter 16

  Christian

  My words vibrated off my lips, but I wasn’t in control of them coming out of my mouth. Something else was forcing me to confess my tragedy to Ethan. One look in his eyes told me everything I’d feared. He’d never look at me the same again, because I was damaged. If I’d listened to him more often none of this would have happened. I knew he blamed me. Why else would he be speechless?

  “Chris,” my name was spoken so smoothly.

  “Like I said before. You can’t help me. There’s nothin’ anyone can do to help me.”

  “You’ve got to call the police.”

  “Why?” I questioned. “What good will it do? I slept with him twice right before this happened. People saw us together. We went to the movies. No one will believe that I changed my mind.”

  “They have rape kits. There’s plenty of people that know you wouldn’t lie.”

  This was unbearable; seeing the pain washing over him as he desperately searched for a way to console me. I understood that he meant well, but after my talk with Becca had gone terribly wrong I knew that making a formal report would deem more difficult. This was where Ethan wasn’t going to understand. He wouldn’t get that I’d rather bury this secret than have the whole world knowing my business. He couldn’t understand that I wouldn’t be able to handle the ridicule that I’d receive from everyone if this came out.

  I’d had long enough time to debate on what I wanted to do. Becca had helped me make that decision with her response. I knew that if I couldn’t even convince her, than I didn’t have a chance at winning the respect of the rest of my peers, not when Seth was such a popular person on campus.

  “I don’t expect you to find a resolution for me. What’s done can’t be erased.” My body began to shake, and when I looked up into Ethan’s eyes all I saw was pain.

  They were glossed over, so much that I swore tears were about to fall. The only time I’d ever seen Ethan cry was when his grandfather passed away suddenly. He’d had a heart attack at the state fair in front of hundreds of town’s people. We’d been at the mall when he got the news, and was able to keep it together until we reached his truck in the parking lot. It was there that I watched my tough friend break.

  While thinking about that moment I hadn’t noticed Ethan reaching his hand out to touch mine. Even though it startled me, his warm embrace was much needed, although it wasn’t going to go any further. “I can’t make the decisions for you, Chris, but I sure as hell know I can find that son-of-a-bitch and beat the shit out of him.”

  I pulled my hand away and put both up to my face. “It won’t help. It won’t make me forget what happened.”

  “I get that you don’t want to tell anyone, but can you at least tell me why? Why can’t we call your parents? Why can’t we call the police? You can’t hide out in your room for the rest of your life. This guy needs to pay for what he’s done, and the longer you wait the harder it’s goin’ to get.”

  Turning in his direction was a mistake. I was overcome with guilt. “What if it’s my fault? What if I led him on? We weren’t strangers, Ethan. I already told you this. Whatever you’re tryin’ to do it’s not goin’ to help. Besides, I’m pretty sure that goin’ to the authorities will somehow make me lose my scholarship, which in turn would destroy my parents.”

  “Listen to yourself. Do you really think they care about college when your life was in danger? You’re obviously not thinkin’ clearly.”

  “You know what? Just go. I don’t need someone sittin’ here tellin’ me what I should and shouldn’t do. I’m the one that got raped. I’m the one who was held down while that retched piece of shit had his way with me over and over again.”

  He turned away. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what? Talk about it? Isn’t that why you’re here; to force me to go over every single detail again, makin’ me have to relive it so I won’t be able to even contemplate havin’ closure?”

  “I would never want you to hurt. You know that.” He reached for my face, watching as I suddenly jerked away before he was able to touch me. “This never should have happened. If I’d just agreed to be with you before, you never would have gone out with him in the first place. You think it’s your fault, but it’s not. It’s mine.”

  I couldn’t hear this; not because I didn’t want to, because that would be a lie. I couldn’t let him take the blame. One thing I’d never want was for him to have been with me out of pity. I got that he didn’t have the same feelings for me as I had for him. As far as I was concerned it was water under the bridge compared to what I was going through. That’s why I knew him being around was probably a bad idea. Ethan was grasping at straws, looking for some kind of resolution to heal me. “We both know that’s not the truth.”

  “I love you, Chris.”

  I couldn’t believe it. In all of the times that I needed his friendship, my stomach knotted when he’d said those three words. I knew we were best friends and he loved me in a special way, but right now it wasn’t enough. He was my only friend, and he could either sit here or let me figure things out, or go home and let me do it alone. Feelings or lack thereof weren’t going to save me. I honestly didn’t even know what would. “I need you to go.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t want company. It’s nothin’ against you. I just need to be alone right now. I need to handle this on my own.”

  “If you don’t go to the police I will. I’m sorry, but I can’t sit around knowin’ what that fucker did to you, and you better hope I don’t see him, because I’m liable to kill him.”

  I turned and looked at the one man I trusted with my life. I peered into his eyes, pleading with myself to be gentle as I possibly could without ruining what we shared together. “Ethan, as much as I appreciate that you’re tryin’ to help, I need you to back off. I don’t want to call the police, and honestly I don’t know if I ever will. This is my life, not yours. It’s my decision.”

  “It’s the wrong decision,” he argued. I could tell he wasn’t going to let up about it. Ethan was adamant about retribution. I could tell he wanted Seth to go down for what he’d done no matter if it happened legally or not. My fear was that he’d go after him, putting his own future in jeopardy. I wasn’t willing to allow him to put himself out there like that.

  “It’s my decision,” I reiterated.

  I knew he was pissed, but as he stood up I knew he would abide with my request. If I knew anything about my friend it was that he’d do anything I asked him. “You’re makin’ a mistake if you do nothin’.”

  “It’s my mistake to make. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see that this has to stay buried?”

  Before opening the door to leave he turned around and faced me. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Chris. I won’t back down.”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to.”

  “If you need anything call me. I can be here in five minutes. Keep your door locked, and monitor your calls. I’ll stop by in the mornin’.”

  I watched him walk out, leaving me all alone in my room. Crying wasn’t the answer to my problems, but I found some kind of release every time I did it. After putting my spare set of sheets on my bed I climbed in and covered up, burying my head in my pillow so nobody would hear me. I refused to go out of my room until I knew my roommates were all asleep. Knowing Becca, she’d probably already told the girls what I’d suggested happened between me and Seth. I was certain they’d have the same opinions of me, and soon I’d be asked to leave the house.

  The longer I thought about it the more I was okay with that happening. Far be it from me to live with three women that thought I was a trouble-making liar.

  I couldn’t be sure about anything except the fact that telling others what happened would only cause me more pain. Had Ethan not pushed my buttons I would have kept it from him too.

  After twenty-four hours I was sure about one thing. What happened to me was getting buried, and somehow, someway I’d figured out how to get past it.

  I had to, because I wouldn’t be able to wake up every day and know I’d been violated in the worst way possible. What happened to me was vial and disgusting. There was no perpetual end to what it was going to do to me emotionally. I’d read stories, and seen documentaries on assaulted women. I knew the battle for salvation hadn’t yet begun for me. In fact, I couldn’t even see a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now there was no tunnel in view.

  Chapter 17

  Ethan

  Did she really think I’d walk out the door and forget all about what was going on? If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was in denial, but I knew that wasn’t the case. Chris was in a bad way, but it was fear that was preventing her from taking this to the authorities.

  She was afraid of losing her new fake friends.

  She was also afraid of losing her chance at being accepted by our peers.

  It was stupid, tremendously ridiculous that her priorities were so out of whack that she’d put her own health at risk. Just because she’d been with Seth before didn’t mean he couldn’t have hurt her much worse than he had. He could have killed her, leaving her body where it wouldn’t be found. I cringed at the thought of never seeing her again, and that’s why I knew I wasn’t going to stop pushing, even if she shut me out for a little while. Her future was worth the risk. I’d rather that woman hate me forever and have some sense of security in her life, rather than living with the fear of it happening again.

  It took a good part of the day to settle down, and even when I felt like I could be around people it was obvious that I wasn’t good company. This chick Mariah that I’d been seeing stopped by for a quick fuck between her classes. As much as I needed release, my mind was in other places, making it impossible to stay focused. Each time she kissed me I not only thought about Christian, which was normal, but I also thought about her kissing Seth. The mere image caused me to force the easy lay to leave my room.

  It was pathetic that Chris being assaulted had finally broke me. It had caused me to realize that my plan had been shit. Procrastinating my feelings for her was the worst mistake I’d ever made. There was no denying that I’d always assumed we’d end up together. For the first time since recognizing how strong my feelings were, I feared that it was no longer going to happen, and I didn’t know how to cope.

  After several hours of sitting alone in my room, drinking and researching survivors of rape I had a better understanding of everything she was going through. Despite the fact that every case was different, I knew Chris better than anyone, which also allowed me to read her actions.

  Right now she was in denial. She knew what had happened, but was determined to act like it never did, because it gave her a false sense of security. She also thought that if nobody knew about it, she didn’t have to dwell on what she couldn’t change. Chris wouldn’t have to worry about what people were saying behind her back.

  Pretending was not the answer though. I knew it was only a matter of time before she literally lost it, succumbing to the fact that some things in life can’t be resolved on their own.

  I shot her a text message after I couldn’t hold out any longer. It took a long time for her to respond, but I was able to convince her to get out of the house. I picked her up a short while later with hopes to get something in her stomach. When Chris was upset she’d forget to eat, which wasn’t healthy in her current condition.

  I could tell she was uncomfortable in her own skin when she came outside with a huge sweater wrapped around her body. She hugged it close to her chest, only letting go to open the car door and climb in.

  When I reached over to greet her like I normally did with a kiss on her cheek she lurched away, and widened her eyes as if I’d just violated her. It offended me, but I immediately understood. “Sorry. It’s a habit.”

  “I know. I’m not mad.”

  “Do you know where you want to eat?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.

  “Actually, can we stop somewhere first?”

  I agreed, and followed the directions she gave me until we pulled up at the dilapidated home. From the street view I could see where caution tape had been removed from the door. It blew with the wind, catching my attention as Chris climbed out of the vehicle. “This is where it happened.”

  I turned off the ignition and ran after her, praying she wouldn’t make it up the first step before I caught her. “Chris, wait!” I hurried, grabbing her by the arm at the last second. She jerked herself out of my hold.

  “It needs to be done. I have to do this, Ethan. You can either come with me or wait outside.”

  While I watched her speaking it was apparent that she was already a nervous wreck. Her lips trembled and her hands were shaking profusely. Her eyes, always so green, were filled with tears that were ready to drop down her cheeks at any second.

  “Don’t go in there. You don’t have to cope this way. I read all about it.”

  Out of nowhere she shoved me. “You don’t know how I feel. Don’t try to put yourself in my position, Ethan. You don’t want this.”

  “I may not want it, but I’ll be damned if I sit back and watch you inflict more pain on yourself.”

  She pointed toward the house, gritting her teeth as she spoke to me. “I’m goin’ inside. You can either come with me, or stay outside. Either way I’d appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself.”

  She and I liked to disagree. On usual terms it would lead us to sleeping together. As much as I was trying to be supportive, I couldn’t condone her decisions. “You’re being a stupid bitch!”

  She stormed inside of the old home, leaving me standing there alone. It took me a few seconds to calm down enough to face her again. When I had I journeyed toward the condemned property, praying that when I found her in the house, she wasn’t worse off.

  My worst fears were revealed when I stepped inside of a large living room. At the far end was a mattress on the floor. Chris stood over it, peering down speechless. I approached her, reaching my hand out touching her shoulder. She jumped, turning around with frightened eyes. “Sorry, I wanted you to know I was in here.” I paused and looked back down at the bed. “This is the dumbest idea you’ve ever had. Please can we go now?”

  Her body stiffened. “I can’t.”

  It took everything in me not to pick her ass up and carry her out of the decrepit building. Instead of causing a huge scene, I leaped in front of her, standing on the mattress, and turning to face her. She looked so distraught, so weak.

  “This is where he did it.”

  I reached for her chin, pulling it up until she was looking me in the eyes. “It’s over, Chris. There’s no need to rehash it. Let me take you out of here.”

  She shook her head, never allowing her gaze to linger from mine. “I left your place, and I was so mad at myself. All I wanted to do was get home. I was bein’ so careful, hidin’ behind things when cars would drive past. I knew the risks of bein’ out alone in the middle of the night.”

  “One of those cars was mine. I looked everywhere for you.”

  “I know,” she said sadly.

  “I was ashamed of the letter I’d written. It wasn’t what I wanted. It was what I felt needed to happen.”

  “Forget about it. I knew you’d come around. You can’t get rid of me that easy,” I reassured her.

  “It doesn’t matter. Everything’s changed now.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, but she cut me off.

  “He must have seen me duckin’ behind that car. I tried to hide, but there he was, tellin’ me it wasn’t safe to walk the rest of the way. As mad as I was at what happened earlier at the movies, I knew I’d get home quicker. From the moment I got into the car I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I should have jumped out.”

  She finally looked down at our feet. It made me feel awful. “This ain’t your fault, Chris. None of it.”

  “Why did I agree to follow him inside this place? I should have known from the outside that it was shady? I should have known what would happen!” She began to weep, so hard that I had to catch her when her knees gave way. I could hear the pain in her sobs, and felt as if the world was crashing down around us. Her pain radiated through me, and all I wished was that I could somehow make it all go away.

  “Tell me what to do, babe. Tell me how to help you?”

  “Why?” She cried out. “Why did he do it? How could he hold me and get off on hurtin’ me? How could he think that I’d be okay about it? He took everything from me, Ethan. He took everything,” she repeated.

  I held all of her weight as she broke down even more pleading with me over things I had no way of answering. The sheer emotions that weakened my ability to respond were heart wrenching. I pulled her close to my chest, allowing her to let it out. She needed to know I wasn’t going anywhere.

  Suddenly she backed away, spinning around so that I couldn’t see her face. “I just want it to go away. I can’t stop thinkin’ about him bein’ inside of me. I can feel the pain every time I close my eyes. He violated me so many times. He took me like I was rag doll. He said I wanted it.” While she sobbed, covering her face with her hands, I walked up behind her, pulling her arms down to thread our fingers together. When she didn’t pull away I kissed the top of her head. “Why would I want to be violated? I told him to stop. I begged him to stop hurtin’ me. Why didn’t he? Why didn’t he stop hurtin’ me?”